Wife lacks sex drive, I want it all

[samohtmg]

My wife and I sex drive could not be more divergent. The most consistent sex we ever had was back when we were in college. Since the marriage, sex has been on and off and a sticking point in our relationship. Now we are in the latter half of our 30's with two children. My wife initiates sex maybe 3 times a year. Maybe. For a couple of years I swear she hadn't initiated at all. She may have, although in those years it was after I was pissed off for not having had sex for a long time. I don't think that really counts. Pity sex that seems like. I have read a lot about this so let me run through the checklist.

 

Number one: Communicate better. This has worked in the past. But the solution doesn't last long. It's a lot like chronic dieting. You know where you lose a few pounds watching what you eat and exercising but then you fall right back into the old habits.

 

Number two: Is she depressed? Yeah a little bit. She is seeing a therapist. How is her history prior to me? Not great but now about 23 years removed from past abuse. Went to the therapist with her once. We talked about strategies for keeping our house clean. Therapist asked me how things were. I said "normal, I guess." No discussion with therapist about lack of sex. Not my therapist and I don't know if my wife has even discussed anything about sex with her yet.

 

Number three: What about me? Also a little bit of abuse in my past (non-familial).

 

Number four: You have kids. You are perpetually exhausted. She needs a break from everything and sex doesn't fit in. (Oh we both work full time as well). Even if we have 6 hours alone and nothing to do there is most likely no sex. (This was all different when she wanted to get pregnant. That was when she pursued and used idle time to have sex. As soon as she got pregnant that ended abruptly). See sex should happen at night. At night she watches some cop program or is too tired. Thus there is no sex.

 

Number five: Does she have problems orgasming? No we are very frank about this. Sometimes she doesn't and that is fine with her. She never fakes it. She will tell me if the intensity is very good, good or not great. I do my best and offer to keep trying if need be and listen to her wishes.

 

Number six: Does she feel poorly about her body image. If she does it has nothing to do with me. I am still attracted to her and she can tell that. This flips the issue as well. I am the one that feels rejected. She is doing the rejecting. Me I have lost quite a bit of weight over the years and I work out a lot. My body is in pretty darn good shape right now.

 

Meanwhile, there is me. Life's short. I want to experience life. I want to experience having sex on webcam while mutually watching another couple. I am intrigued by the idea of same room sex with a couple- not swapping. I wish there was a sex club near by where we both could go and watch. Laughable I know. Despite being relatively attractive I fell for my wife when I was still young. My sexual experiences are extremely narrow throughout my life. Pretty much all of it includes this failed sexual relationship with my wife.

 

Just cheat already? Thought about it. Never done it. I understand why people do it. Would not even expect my wife to get mad. Why would she care? She doesn't want to do it. If I liked to ski and I tried for years to get my wife to ski and she never liked skiing. Do I just stop skiing. Why wouldn't I skii with other people? Why would my wife care. I guess It is a trust issue. So I will tell her I am going skiing. I won't deceive her. Perhaps that is the answer. Sometimes I wish she would cheat but then I get angry thnking about that. After all if I was asking her to play tennis for years and we did it sporadically and she told me she didn't like it- if she then secretly goes out and plays tennis with someone else how the hell am I supposed to feel?

 

My wife's biggest problems: stress at work, house too messy for her. I can't do anything about here stress at work. I guess if I become a master maid I might get laid more. That is it. I'll stop working out as a hobby and devote my life to a clean house. There is nothing a man wants more than to be rewarded with sex for doing the dishes and washing the clothes and vacuuming.

 

How have I dealt with this for this long? I masturbate a lot. It is not the same. It can help you last for a couple of weeks to maybe six weeks. At 4 weeks of no actual sex I start to feel uber rejected and sad and a little angry. That is how it works. We might have sex 2 or 3 times in a given week and then there is a dry spell from anywhere between 2 to 8 weeks. more likely it falls around six weeks. Sometimes those six weeks are broken up by "pity sex"

 

Where are we at now?

 

Sex about 6 weeks ago. I think we had it 3 times that week. Then about 3 to 4 weeks of no sex. Then 15 minutes of sixty nining ending with both orgasming. A week after that I was flat out rejected. That is not stiing well with me. I am starting to feel more like a friend husband rather than romantic one. I think I should treat her as a close roommate and friend where we share the duty of bringing up children. Sex, not really on the table anymore.

 

I don't know why I am even posting this. Am I looking for advice, venting? I don't know.

 

You can't talk about this stuff with anyone. Could I say what I have said here to a good friend. It's just not done.

 

Fire away!

[Kenyth]

Very common scenario. There's also very little to be done besides seeing a counselor and compromising. You can't make someone want to do something they don't want to do. If there's nothing dysfunctional driving the behavior, then you'll be at an impasse. Go to counseling together and see what happens.

 

I'll warn you. Counseling doesn't usually change a damn thing in the short term, but it does help with understanding. If both people work and build from the understanding gained, then a long term solution may start emerging.

[Kenyth]

BTW, keep any sexual desires involving other people in fantasy land, where they belong. If she's never expressed an interest in that sort of thing, and she's got a lower libido, it's unlikely she'll develop any desire to do so. It will only serve to undrmine your current relationship if you try.

[stillafool]

Wow, that's terrible. I guess women sometimes feel they are being pulled in several different directions for other peoples needs. People at work want something from you, (work), you come home the house needs her attention (more work), the kids need her attention (more work), everyone is hungry, needs her cook (more work), dishes need cleaning (more work), now it is evening and your husband needs sex. You know which category this falls under (more work) - sorry. That's how women start to view sex when it seems the above goes around and around daily. Sometimes neediness can extinguish one's sex drive.

[HeyThere]

I am starting to feel more like a friend husband rather than romantic one.

 

This is a big issue and needs to be communicated until she gets it.

 

 

 

 

I want to experience having sex on webcam while mutually watching another couple. I am intrigued by the idea of same room sex with a couple- not swapping. I wish there was a sex club near by where we both could go and watch. Laughable I know.

 

Forget about going to the moon when she’s not interested in ‘regular’ sex. Sex sounds like a chore for her, with to many thoughts hindering her sexuality in her head.

 

 

My wife's biggest problems: stress at work, house too messy for her.

 

Her biggest problem is in her head.

 

Good reading on this subject is “Mating in Captivity.” It will clarify many of the topics you brought up and challenge many basic beliefs.

[mem11363]

Do you plan to stay with her after the last child leaves the house? If not, have you told her that?

 

 

 

 

My wife and I sex drive could not be more divergent. The most consistent sex we ever had was back when we were in college. Since the marriage, sex has been on and off and a sticking point in our relationship. Now we are in the latter half of our 30's with two children. My wife initiates sex maybe 3 times a year. Maybe. For a couple of years I swear she hadn't initiated at all. She may have, although in those years it was after I was pissed off for not having had sex for a long time. I don't think that really counts. Pity sex that seems like. I have read a lot about this so let me run through the checklist.

 

Number one: Communicate better. This has worked in the past. But the solution doesn't last long. It's a lot like chronic dieting. You know where you lose a few pounds watching what you eat and exercising but then you fall right back into the old habits.

 

Number two: Is she depressed? Yeah a little bit. She is seeing a therapist. How is her history prior to me? Not great but now about 23 years removed from past abuse. Went to the therapist with her once. We talked about strategies for keeping our house clean. Therapist asked me how things were. I said "normal, I guess." No discussion with therapist about lack of sex. Not my therapist and I don't know if my wife has even discussed anything about sex with her yet.

 

Number three: What about me? Also a little bit of abuse in my past (non-familial).

 

Number four: You have kids. You are perpetually exhausted. She needs a break from everything and sex doesn't fit in. (Oh we both work full time as well). Even if we have 6 hours alone and nothing to do there is most likely no sex. (This was all different when she wanted to get pregnant. That was when she pursued and used idle time to have sex. As soon as she got pregnant that ended abruptly). See sex should happen at night. At night she watches some cop program or is too tired. Thus there is no sex.

 

Number five: Does she have problems orgasming? No we are very frank about this. Sometimes she doesn't and that is fine with her. She never fakes it. She will tell me if the intensity is very good, good or not great. I do my best and offer to keep trying if need be and listen to her wishes.

 

Number six: Does she feel poorly about her body image. If she does it has nothing to do with me. I am still attracted to her and she can tell that. This flips the issue as well. I am the one that feels rejected. She is doing the rejecting. Me I have lost quite a bit of weight over the years and I work out a lot. My body is in pretty darn good shape right now.

 

Meanwhile, there is me. Life's short. I want to experience life. I want to experience having sex on webcam while mutually watching another couple. I am intrigued by the idea of same room sex with a couple- not swapping. I wish there was a sex club near by where we both could go and watch. Laughable I know. Despite being relatively attractive I fell for my wife when I was still young. My sexual experiences are extremely narrow throughout my life. Pretty much all of it includes this failed sexual relationship with my wife.

 

Just cheat already? Thought about it. Never done it. I understand why people do it. Would not even expect my wife to get mad. Why would she care? She doesn't want to do it. If I liked to ski and I tried for years to get my wife to ski and she never liked skiing. Do I just stop skiing. Why wouldn't I skii with other people? Why would my wife care. I guess It is a trust issue. So I will tell her I am going skiing. I won't deceive her. Perhaps that is the answer. Sometimes I wish she would cheat but then I get angry thnking about that. After all if I was asking her to play tennis for years and we did it sporadically and she told me she didn't like it- if she then secretly goes out and plays tennis with someone else how the hell am I supposed to feel?

 

My wife's biggest problems: stress at work, house too messy for her. I can't do anything about here stress at work. I guess if I become a master maid I might get laid more. That is it. I'll stop working out as a hobby and devote my life to a clean house. There is nothing a man wants more than to be rewarded with sex for doing the dishes and washing the clothes and vacuuming.

 

How have I dealt with this for this long? I masturbate a lot. It is not the same. It can help you last for a couple of weeks to maybe six weeks. At 4 weeks of no actual sex I start to feel uber rejected and sad and a little angry. That is how it works. We might have sex 2 or 3 times in a given week and then there is a dry spell from anywhere between 2 to 8 weeks. more likely it falls around six weeks. Sometimes those six weeks are broken up by "pity sex"

 

Where are we at now?

 

Sex about 6 weeks ago. I think we had it 3 times that week. Then about 3 to 4 weeks of no sex. Then 15 minutes of sixty nining ending with both orgasming. A week after that I was flat out rejected. That is not stiing well with me. I am starting to feel more like a friend husband rather than romantic one. I think I should treat her as a close roommate and friend where we share the duty of bringing up children. Sex, not really on the table anymore.

 

I don't know why I am even posting this. Am I looking for advice, venting? I don't know.

 

You can't talk about this stuff with anyone. Could I say what I have said here to a good friend. It's just not done.

 

Fire away!

[tnttim]

I hear this all the time, the problem is always the same.

 

Go into your bathroom and look at that thing above the sink, it's shiny, and holds the answer to your problem.

 

You need a little alpha male training and I bet you can turn things aroung with your W. Come on man she's in her prime right now and you can't score, and you blame her.

 

First stop all anti seductive behavior, right now. That means sex doesn't matter to you as much as it did before, you can take it or leave it. Stop getting mad when she doesn't intiate sex, who wants to have sex when you are pressured into it. Expect it less and you'll get it more ironically. Here's a great thing you can do to immediately help your situation: do something where you would expect sex afterwards, like a massage, and then don't have sex with her. This will help show that you are not too concerned about sex but still care for her. It will also make her wonder why you didn't mount her like a dog right after. She will start to think, and thinking is good.

 

Turn her on, if you are jumping up to get candles and a Barry White CD then you are missing what women really get turned by. They are turned on by men that are hard to turn on. they like men that are hard to have sex with. They like men that other women want to have sex with. They want the build up, the tension, the pressure just like us. Women want to moved emotionally into sex, they want a series of feelings to happen. A well trained man can do that to any women, and some have probably unknowingly done that to your wife.

 

Pay attention to what happens before, during and after sex. She will be giving you a wealth of knowledge but you have to pay attention. If she gets sad or withdrawn afterward then she has problems she is associating with sex, and that's not good. Make her feel good after sex, every time, every single time. She will then equate sex with good feelings afterwards, and it will help future attempts.

 

Also try to remember the days when she did intiate sex, what happened, what emotions did she go through that day. Then you try to mimic those emotions and see if she gets turned on, then you have her sexual trigger. Once you have that you will know what emotions she equates sex with. So now instead of getting mad, or masturbating, you can turn her on and get the real thing.

 

If you are not currently attractive to other females then I bet you are not too attractive to your wife. Be more social when you 2 go out, talk to some women. You will be shocked how a flirty waitress can get you a ton of sex points with your wife. She will act mad at first, but just tell her she doesn;t compare to you honey.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Where are we at now?

Sex about 6 weeks ago. I think we had it 3 times that week. Then about 3 to 4 weeks of no sex. Then 15 minutes of sixty nining ending with both orgasming. A week after that I was flat out rejected. That is not stiing well with me. I am starting to feel more like a friend husband rather than romantic one. I think I should treat her as a close roommate and friend where we share the duty of bringing up children. Sex, not really on the table anymore.

I don't know why I am even posting this. Am I looking for advice, venting? I don't know.

You can't talk about this stuff with anyone. Could I say what I have said here to a good friend. It's just not done.

Fire away!

 

Here is the first thing I would try. BE AGGRESSIVE!!! I would romantically and almost forcefully push for sex in a consistent manner. I would not get all butt hurt about pity sex for the moment.

 

I've been in your situation before... and I just think after a while women start to see you as a roommate and not a husband. You have to aggressively remind them. That means quickly getting over rejections and trying again... sometimes the same day!

[Tommy's Girl]

I keep reading about these men with wives who don't like sex! Sometimes I feel like the only woman out there that has a stronger sex drive than my husband! He agrees! I've always been like that. I've been married 10 years and I still can't get enough. For me, sex isn't one of things that gets the lowest priority when life's problems and stress hit. It's on the top of my priority list to help me be closer to my husband when we are dealing with life. It's as close as I can get to him. I can shut out the world when I'm with him. He's the opposite. When he's stressed or worried, he can't think about sex. I'm a type B and he's a type A personality. He natually stresses more than me. I think some people just love sex. That's me. In a marriage, there's give and take. I'm glad my husband will "entertain me" sometimes even when I'm sure he doesn't feel like it. I'm not obsessed with my kids. I love them, but I adore my husband. I'd drop anything for his body in a second!

[dazzle22]

A lot of the others have given some great thoughts I think. I have to say your wife sounds like the exact kind of woman, that growing up I definitely wanted to be the OPPOSITE of, and became the OPPOSITE of.

 

These women are all fired up to get married, then they wear their husbands out trying to get pregnant. Then the kids come and they morph into MOMMY. Then they complain their work is never done, the house is too messy. Well guess what? KIDS=MESS. Kids also mean fatigue, and never ending responsibility. These women WANTED this, so "woman up" and DEAL with it. And don't neglect your husband. That being said, they would never smarten up with a pep talk like this, even though it is the God's truth.

 

My advice would be acknowledging what seems to be her sticking points - messy house, always tired. Tell her you want her to feel less burdened and get a housekeeper that comes frequently and does a lot of stuff, like laundry, etc, even grocery shop and errands. Perhaps you could also hire some teenagers to do some errands, more babysitting.

 

If she still does not warm up to you after making this effort, then I would tell her that you are not happy in an essentially "roommate marriage", and basically, does she want it to change or does she want you to leave her???? That those are the two options, but not just "more of the same". Good luck.

[waiting4marriage]

This is exactly why I am terrified of getting married.

[dazzle22]

This is exactly why I am terrified of getting married.

 

 

This is why you have to date someone for a fairly long time to see what they really all about, listen very carefully to what they say in unguarded moments (as most people give themselves away if you watch closely enough), and look carefully at their family of origin to see how her mother is..

 

If a woman ever says her "biological clock is ticking" that to me would be a huge warning sign that she just wants a sperm donor. It's not a CLOCK, it is a BOMB...

[Mme. Chaucer]

I hear this all the time, the problem is always the same.

 

Go into your bathroom and look at that thing above the sink, it's shiny, and holds the answer to your problem.

 

You need a little alpha male training and I bet you can turn things aroung with your W. Come on man she's in her prime right now and you can't score, and you blame her.

 

First stop all anti seductive behavior, right now. That means sex doesn't matter to you as much as it did before, you can take it or leave it. Stop getting mad when she doesn't intiate sex, who wants to have sex when you are pressured into it. Expect it less and you'll get it more ironically. Here's a great thing you can do to immediately help your situation: do something where you would expect sex afterwards, like a massage, and then don't have sex with her. This will help show that you are not too concerned about sex but still care for her. It will also make her wonder why you didn't mount her like a dog right after. She will start to think, and thinking is good.

 

Turn her on, if you are jumping up to get candles and a Barry White CD then you are missing what women really get turned by. They are turned on by men that are hard to turn on. they like men that are hard to have sex with. They like men that other women want to have sex with. They want the build up, the tension, the pressure just like us. Women want to moved emotionally into sex, they want a series of feelings to happen. A well trained man can do that to any women, and some have probably unknowingly done that to your wife.

 

Pay attention to what happens before, during and after sex. She will be giving you a wealth of knowledge but you have to pay attention. If she gets sad or withdrawn afterward then she has problems she is associating with sex, and that's not good. Make her feel good after sex, every time, every single time. She will then equate sex with good feelings afterwards, and it will help future attempts.

 

Also try to remember the days when she did intiate sex, what happened, what emotions did she go through that day. Then you try to mimic those emotions and see if she gets turned on, then you have her sexual trigger. Once you have that you will know what emotions she equates sex with. So now instead of getting mad, or masturbating, you can turn her on and get the real thing.

 

If you are not currently attractive to other females then I bet you are not too attractive to your wife. Be more social when you 2 go out, talk to some women. You will be shocked how a flirty waitress can get you a ton of sex points with your wife. She will act mad at first, but just tell her she doesn;t compare to you honey.

 

You're pretty smart!

[tnttim]

Here is the first thing I would try. BE AGGRESSIVE!!! I would romantically and almost forcefully push for sex in a consistent manner. I would not get all butt hurt about pity sex for the moment.

 

I've been in your situation before... and I just think after a while women start to see you as a roommate and not a husband. You have to aggressively remind them. That means quickly getting over rejections and trying again... sometimes the same day!

 

What does a child do when they want something really bad?

 

He's not a child

[You Go Girl]

My first marriage lasted 20 years. I understand how women can disconnect with their sexual side. I went through that for several years in that marriage.

First off--don't be agressive. What a quick way to get her to refuse you. You try to push or force the issue--she's going to be very angry. You don't OWN her body.

Secondly, don't get all pissy about not getting it on a regular basis. If she thinks that she is some kind of sex receptacle--you're going to be rejected.

The basis for wanting to be with her MUST be that you want to feel closer to her.

That can happen with conversation, massages, more conversation, caring about her day, caring about her feelings.

The second that you put your sexual drive above her feelings--YOU WILL be rejected.

In otherwords, it's not all about you and your sex drive. IT being HER LIFE.

 

Many women when married a long time have the same old same old guy thing going--but they don't realize it. The last thing you want to do is nag about the whole thing, because she will distance herself from you, and then when she least expects it--somebody else will wake her sex drive from the dead and that guy will end up getting what you want.

 

She wants to know what is most important to you. SEX is NEVER more important than the intimacy that precedes it. Nagging, being bitchy, etc., over not getting sex REVEALS ONE THING--that it's all about your desire for sex, not your desire for closeness, intimacy,and harmony with her.

LIfe ain't about your penis, plain and simple.

 

Now completely forget about the having sex with others in the room. Gross.

Stop watching so much porn, or whatever is turning you onto those ideas.

You want to get more sex from your wife? Pay attention to me. Or disregard my post, and watch yourself become more frustrated day by day, year by year.

[tnttim]

we agree gogirl. did you read my post above btw.

[You Go Girl]

we agree gogirl. did you read my post above btw.

 

Just read it.

Checked back today to see if I'd get support or told off by the OP.

 

You do get it tnttim, all except the reverse-psychology make yourself attractive to other females bit.

Don't think I'd fall for that, lol

[RobM]

Yes, please listen to You Go Girl and do all those wonderful things for her and you'll probably get sex once, maybe twice then it will be back to normal.

 

It's just so much bs excuses, if you only did this, if you only did that... of course when we do those things it only works once because it's something different. It's just another way for the woman to say it's our fault, it's not their fault, oh, I would be much more interested if you only did ...... ya right.

 

With only a few details your post could have been my life and yes I tried all those things and guess what, didn't change a thing so I gave up and used porn and took care of myself and was much happier and 20 years later our schedule are about the same now because I mostly care less about sex that she does.

 

Call me jaded but the only thing that ever worked was wanting sex less than she did.

 

And she did decide she didn't like skiing anymore so I switched to a snowboard and go with my buddies now.

[wien7777]

My dear, I feel for you. I understand your situation is common and although you wrote out the issue from basically your perspective, there is not just one person to blame. You seem reasonable and rational enough, but don't forget to keep that in mind.

I wish I could give you some valid advice, but truthfully, I don't understand your wife/women in this predicament either. So (I'm sorry), but as this has puzzled me for a while now, I'm going to take this opportunity to rant:

Note: I'm not an nymphomaniac and I don't have a ridiculously high sex drive. It's just common sense to respond to at least the physical needs of your partner (if you're good to each other otherwise), and you should always aim for about 3-4 times per week. ..No, it can't possibly get boring.

 

The way I see it is.. if you love your significant other, it's natural that you should always want to please them; that you would be comfortable and willing to initiate things with them regularly, and that you would put forth a bit of effort to maintain a sense of intimacy in a marriage (especially if you have been married long). Having children obviously complicates matters, yes, but that shouldn't discourage either partner. They sleep at night, and who is to say you can't make time in the morning/afternoon, or any time you have together? You just need to genuinely love the other person and have a good imagination.

 

As for other priorities- house work/chores, etc.. this just doesn't seem like a legitimate reason to me. Obviously you can't live in a pigsty and you can't be in bed 24-7, but as long as your house is in a reasonable state, the needs of your partner should come before something as banal as (eg) "Are the dishes clean?"

Work stress is more understandable, but still- if your partner isn't the cause of this stress, if they have no involvement in it (like you don't have in your wife's), you should make the effort not to let that negatively interfere with your private life. A partner should always be comforting and supporting if the other has such an issue, but "bringing one's work home" in that sense is counterproductive and unfair to both parties.

 

Essentially, all I'm trying to say it exceedingly simple: You're in a relationship/marriage; you've found a person you truly love and someone who counteracts all of the bollocks that tends to be life and the world- someone who is on your team. Show them how you love them regularly - relieve tension, connect again, make each other feel good and happy.

 

Edit: Yes, I'm a woman and yes, I am young but the above just seems like basic common sense/human nature to me, and I don't foresee how that could change over time.

[WalkInThePark]

My dear, I feel for you. I understand your situation is common and although you wrote out the issue from basically your perspective, there is not just one person to blame. You seem reasonable and rational enough, but don't forget to keep that in mind.

I wish I could give you some valid advice, but truthfully, I don't understand your wife/women in this predicament either. So (I'm sorry), but as this has puzzled me for a while now, I'm going to take this opportunity to rant:

Note: I'm not an nymphomaniac and I don't have a ridiculously high sex drive. It's just common sense to respond to at least the physical needs of your partner (if you're good to each other otherwise), and you should always aim for about 3-4 times per week. ..No, it can't possibly get boring.

 

The way I see it is.. if you love your significant other, it's natural that you should always want to please them; that you would be comfortable and willing to initiate things with them regularly, and that you would put forth a bit of effort to maintain a sense of intimacy in a marriage (especially if you have been married long). Having children obviously complicates matters, yes, but that shouldn't discourage either partner. They sleep at night, and who is to say you can't make time in the morning/afternoon, or any time you have together? You just need to genuinely love the other person and have a good imagination.

 

As for other priorities- house work/chores, etc.. this just doesn't seem like a legitimate reason to me. Obviously you can't live in a pigsty and you can't be in bed 24-7, but as long as your house is in a reasonable state, the needs of your partner should come before something as banal as (eg) "Are the dishes clean?"

Work stress is more understandable, but still- if your partner isn't the cause of this stress, if they have no involvement in it (like you don't have in your wife's), you should make the effort not to let that negatively interfere with your private life. A partner should always be comforting and supporting if the other has such an issue, but "bringing one's work home" in that sense is counterproductive and unfair to both parties.

 

Essentially, all I'm trying to say it exceedingly simple: You're in a relationship/marriage; you've found a person you truly love and someone who counteracts all of the bollocks that tends to be life and the world- someone who is on your team. Show them how you love them regularly - relieve tension, connect again, make each other feel good and happy.

 

Edit: Yes, I'm a woman and yes, I am young but the above just seems like basic common sense/human nature to me, and I don't foresee how that could change over time.

 

Very good post and exactly the way I see things. Should it really be so complicated? I don't think so.

But I have the impression that some men prefer to be married with a difficult woman who withholds sex and intimacy, that they rather stay with some depressed unhappy woman,...

There are plenty of single women who are beautiful and dynamic and are low maintenance (in the sense that they have their own income, manage their own finances, take care of themselves) and yet these men stay in a marriage where there is more frustration than anything else.

[WalkInThePark]

The basis for wanting to be with her MUST be that you want to feel closer to her.

 

Please, what about some basic LUST? I find it very flattering when my partner wants sex with me because he feels bloody horny.

[giotto]

There are plenty of single women who are beautiful and dynamic and are low maintenance (in the sense that they have their own income, manage their own finances, take care of themselves) and yet these men stay in a marriage where there is more frustration than anything else.

 

you know the answer, WITP... because most men would have children by then and they'd rather put up with a depressed, unhappy woman than leave them... because they love their children more than they love themselves... and no, these men are not saints or heroes, they carry on because they have a high sense of duty towards their family... shame the wives don't see that too...

[Els]

If you're both working full time, how much do you contribute with the children and the housework, OP? Is that ever an issue? How much free time do you and her have on weekdays/weekends on average?

[WalkInThePark]

you know the answer, WITP... because most men would have children by then and they'd rather put up with a depressed, unhappy woman than leave them... because they love their children more than they love themselves... and no, these men are not saints or heroes, they carry on because they have a high sense of duty towards their family... shame the wives don't see that too...

 

Giotto, I know... This is also the case for my xMM. He loves his children and would do everything to make them happy and to avoid making them unhappy. D would turn their world upside, especially since his W is so uncapable: depressed, does not work, not a good housekeeper, not a good cook. If he would D her, she would sink in an even worse depression which would be negative for the kids.

They have a disabled child who will require care for the rest of her life. His W can't deal with that child. During the week she is in an institution, in the weekends it's rather xMM than his W who takes care of her.

I don't believe this woman. Does not work, has a husband who makes a lof of money and also helps with the kids and the household, has 2 kids of 10 and 14 to take care of during the week (so no babies anymore). But she is stressed out!!!

[You Go Girl]

Yes, please listen to You Go Girl and do all those wonderful things for her and you'll probably get sex once, maybe twice then it will be back to normal.

 

It's just so much bs excuses, if you only did this, if you only did that... of course when we do those things it only works once because it's something different. It's just another way for the woman to say it's our fault, it's not their fault, oh, I would be much more interested if you only did ...... ya right.

 

With only a few details your post could have been my life and yes I tried all those things and guess what, didn't change a thing so I gave up and used porn and took care of myself and was much happier and 20 years later our schedule are about the same now because I mostly care less about sex that she does.

 

Call me jaded but the only thing that ever worked was wanting sex less than she did.

 

And she did decide she didn't like skiing anymore so I switched to a snowboard and go with my buddies now.

 

Well first off, I'm NOT your wife, so don't pick your battle with the wrong person, or transfer your anger to me.

I'm honestly trying to help.

"it's so much bs excuses" Excuses are not part of your vocabulary when you are trying to connect with another person, because it is something you either to together, or fail to do TOGETHER. It is your attitude partly, that has caused your wife to distance herself from you. She feels your anger and resentment. This is not appealing to her, in fact it's a huge turn-off.

If you selfishly blow up angrily over her lack of interest, she remembers that. Then perhaps you are sweet for awhile, doing things that do work, but later, if she doesn't respond as you wish, you revert back to being an angry person. Then she thinks, rightly so, that your good attitude was only to get her to react in a certain way. A ploy, a ruse.

A wolf in sheeps clothing, so to speak. The REAL YOU is the one who feels entitlement, and is angry.

That sense of entitlement needs to take a hike. The REAL You needs to become the giving, loving, caring person who can take sex or leave it, knowing that the respect and way you treat her is more important than sex as a goal.

Your goal needs to be a loving relationship first.

 

As to the person who responded to me with what about simple lust? Well sure, I agree, but if this woman doesn't feel lust, and she obviously doesn't feel much of it, then her husband needs to try to find a way to awaken that lust. Granted, I never said that would be easy to do. Some women (and even some men--I know a couple) are tuned out of lust. The most common scenario for women is those that tune in so greatly with becoming a mom. It wasn't their goal to forget about their lusty side--but it happened as they refocused all their thoughts, too many of their thoughts on being a terrific parent.

I have known friend's husbands who were pressured by their wives for more sex, using the same failure tactics as some men--talking to them in a condescending voice, being demanding, speaking selfishly, bringing this lack of sex up with friends around in order to try to humiliate and embarass them, etc.

As for harboring resentment because her desire is lower than yours, well there is no more reason to do that then if she harbored resentment against you because yours appears greater than hers. Doesnt' make sense to you if she did that, does it?