Oceana Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Hello everyone, First of all thank you so much for reading this. I have friends and family members I have discussed my situation with, but I am hoping to get views from outside individuals on whether or not this seems suspicious. To start off, I had never ever had a boyfriend before. I am 24 years old. I am a big time gamer, and met a man about 5 months ago on a community type setting on my Playstation 3 called "PlaystationHome." We hit it off immediately. There is an age gap of 11 and 1/2 years, he being the senior obviously. He has had much more experience than I, having been married and having three children in said marriage. He is NOT divorced. He and his ex are separated and he has told me they will never get back together again. I have met the woman in the flesh and I don't feel a threat from her in the least. This man and I met for the first time at the first of the year, and since then we have been together in the flesh on two other occasions. The most recent was this past weekend when I went and stayed with him and his children at his apartment. He has trusted in me many things about his life. He told me that he once cheated on his ex for a period of five months with a woman, and that he was deeply in love with this other woman. This happened about a year ago. He also tells me he is deeply in love with me and has never loved anyone like he does me. In the beginning I had my concerns about his ex, and about this woman he cheated on her with. He assured me there was nothing there for either of them anymore. Still, this is my first relationship and I am so afraid to lose him, it makes me think things that I probably should not. Anyway, on the online world of PlaystationHome, he has started to talk to and hang out with one particular woman very, very often. He, she, and I all played a game called littleBIGplanet together one night. Things were going great, I thought. Then at the end of the game he announced he was going to go to bed, so I fell in and said that I would as well. I quit the game, he did not. He proceeded to continue to hang out with her for around 20 minutes in a private space. Now, this wouldn't be such a huge deal to me - but he has made very BIG deals before whenever I have not done what I have said I am going to do, or when I would hang out with any male friends rather than him. So, I became frustrated because he didn't tell me what was going on and he made it sound like it was bedtime. Granted, I know I over-reacted some. I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong, and I know that I over-reacted in this case. I said some accusatory things to him and went to bed angry. We got past that point in time, but he started to hang out with this woman far more often. I would even say it goes as far as he spends more time with her instead of me. He never would ask me to join the two of them together so we could all hang out, and every time I asked if I could he would bring up the time I blew up. I told him I don't think it is right to continue denying me for that one instance, but still he refuses to allow me to get to know this woman he has grown so close to over the months. Then, he and I were going to have a night just to us to play games and just chill out together. We were playing littleBIGplanet, and this woman starts to send invites wanting him to come and join with her instead. He told me that he told her he was with me and it would be rude to leave me, yet she still continue to try to get him to come and play with her instead of me, HIS GIRLFRIEND. I told him I would be happy to allow her to come and join with us, and he agreed to it. So, we tried to get her in on our game. For some reason, it would not work. We could not get her in, and so he decided to go to her and they would try to get me in on a game with them. I asked him what he would do if it would not work, and he told me that he would come back to me so we could continue playing. So, he left with her. I tried to join. I could not. I tried many times, at least 20, and it failed every time. Then, he started a game with her and told me, "She will be going to bed after this game." Of course, I was hurt. He had told me he would come back to me immediately if I could not join, but he went to her and played with her instead. I was extremely upset and crying and got off of the game. He continued to play until the game was finished with her, and then he came and was asking me what was wrong. I explained to him, but he did not see why it would hurt me. After that incident, I added her as a friend. I wanted to try to get to know her and be friends with her so I CAN trust her intentions. She accepted my request and I have tried on numerous occasions to be friendly to her. I have not ONCE been rude or snippy in any way. I am warm and kind. But all of her responses are extremely short in nature, or she will only send a couple of messages before brushing me off. Was I wrong to do this? I told him I did it, and at first he didn't seem to have a problem. Since then, he has continued hanging out with her constantly and never invites me to come and hang out with the two of them. I have told him it would help me to trust her intentions more if I could see how she acts around him. I just find it extremely odd that she always needs to spend time with my boyfriend and tries to take him from me when she knows he and I are together. She completely freaks out and sends him 6-7 messages if he doesn't respond to hers immediately. Supposedly, she has a fiance. However, I see her online with my man into the late hours of the night sometimes. Sometimes as late as 3 a.m. her time. Why would she spend so much time with another man when she has a fiance? I went and stayed with him and met his children for the first time this past weekend. I was so nervous to meet his children, but I immediately adored them. They are great kids! There are three, ages 9, 10, and 12. I got to know them pretty well over the weekend. My boyfriend even left me with them to watch over them while he was at work one of the days, and trusted me to see them off to school one morning. From his boys, I found out that they never get to play littleBIGplanet with their dad anymore. They used to play together quite often. But ever since he has met this woman, any time they ask him he tells them no. I saw how it was. The boys would often times be in their room playing games in there while he and I hung out in the living room or in his room. I even found out the game was actually bought and is owned by the oldest of the boys. And he rarely gets to play it because his dad plays it so often with this woman. It bothers me a great deal, because the boys mean a great deal to me now. My boyfriend got on his PS3 twice during the whole time I was there. Once was in the early morning hours. I heard his PS3 turning off when I woke up and started moving around the room. I, of course, was suspicious that he only turned it off because he knew I was awake. The other time we were getting ready to watch a movie and he went and opened up his messages while I was standing there, but closed them immediately, without reading them. The night I came home, he dropped me off to get a ride half way. We live about 3 hours apart. As we said our goodbyes I asked him if we could talk when I got home because it would be hard to be away from him that first night. His reply? "I dunno I have a lot of messages to catch up on." I replied, "I am more important than messages." And he said we would talk when we were both at home. He made it home before I did, and was on his PS3 immediately messaging. I got home about an hour later, and he was with this woman already. I tried inviting him to come and chat with me like he said he would, and he told me he was catching up with her instead. Again I was hurt. I only just left him, and he was messaging with her already instead of wanting to be with me the first night we had to be apart. He learned that I felt bad and called me on his cell phone, and continued to type to her and talk to me on the phone at the same time. We argued about it for a bit, and he said to me he couldn't understand why I couldn't let him have some time with his friend since we had spent the past few days together. Was I wrong in thinking that our first night apart he might want to be with me online? Was I wrong to think he might have been sad that I was gone too? On Sunday night I told him I would give him space. He hung out with her until midnight and then came to me. I didn't bring her up once, but suddenly he brought her up and was upset with me for adding her as a friend. I explained to him that I want to get to know her so I can trust her intentions and that I am his girlfriend and have the right to get to know any woman he spends so much time with that isn't me. Am I wrong? Last night we discussed it for hours. I spoke in a very calm tone of voice and told him all of the reasons why I suspect she has something for him and why I need to hang out with the two of them to see how they act around one another. He was very defensive about it and would not tell me he would allow us all to hang out together. Towards the end of the conversation, he blew up and said, "Fine, you want it so effin bad, have it. G-damn. But if you nit-pick and find little things she does and you blow up about it there are going to be effin issues." I was not happy with that reaction, and now I'm feeling badly for pushing to hang out with the two of them. But am I not right that as his girlfriend I should be allowed to meet and know any woman he spends SO much time with? I feel like I have that right. I have been completely open and willing to have him meet all of my friends, male or female. I have only met a few of his. If you made it through all of this, THANK YOU, sincerely. I don't know what to do. I love this man very much and I don't want to lose him, and I need to know if I am being too suspicious or if my suspicions could be valid. Also, on top of all of this - I was browsing the pictures he has on his PS3 one of the days I was there, and I happened across two pictures he saved on March 17th of the woman he cheated on his ex with. One of them was a picture of her sleeping peacefully in a bed. I was VERY hurt by this discovery. I asked him why he saved the pictures and he said that he didn't know. He told me it was the most peaceful he had ever seen her look. I asked if he still had feelings for her, and he said that he didn't know. However, when we talked about it a few days later, he said that he did not have any feelings for her at all. Still, why would he save pictures of her? I asked him to delete them and he said he would, but I have no way of knowing for sure. Thank you again for reading this long mess of emotions. I truly appreciate any help anyone can offer!! Sincerely, Oceana
Bejita463 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I will be honest, I only got about halfway through because it was a bit to soap-opera for me. However, that was plenty far enough. No person in their right mind would not be suspicious of that behavior. He's doing the same thing with her that he was doing with you. I often try to play devil's advocate when I know where the responses are going to swing, but I don't really know how to do that here. Not without outright ignoring a lot of shadiness.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 If this is your first relationship I would warn you to end it now. This guy has WAAAAAYYYY too much emotional baggage for someone in their first relationship. He is definetly treating you second-rate and when you confront him about it he shuts you down. MAJOR RED FLAG. End it or suffer.
Author Oceana Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Thank you both for your replies and for taking time to read (even if it was only half, haha, don't blame ya!). He has, reluctantly, agreed to allow me to hang out with the two of them. Could I wait and see how that goes before I make my final decision? And what about the fact that he left me with his children and trusted me enough to watch over them for him? And why would he introduce me to his children? He sends such mixed signals. He is very affectionate to me in the flesh. He holds my hand a lot, in public... I just don't understand it. Also, ever since this all began, he has stopped writing comments about me in his comment box on the Playstation AND on Facebook. When I've confronted him about that, he just says, "I don't want everyone knowing what is going on in my life." Bleh. Thank you again.
Silver_star Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I dont think ur going to listen to me, but please dump him. Pleassse. He is NOT the right guy.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I'm sorry but there are SOOOOO many red flags in your story. HE LEFT YOU WITH HIS KIDS after meeting you on the internet and knowing you for 3 mos? He is STILL married? he is using his childs game system to whore around with other gamers? :lmao::lmao::lmao: I'm sorry if I sound rude but are you for real with all of this? If so..I'm sorry you need to run.......FAST!
dreamingoftigers Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 At this stage of the game there should be NO MIXED MESSAGES!! A guy that really feels what he claims to feel would not risk alienating a girl he loves, especially if he is introducing you to his children. He does not respect you or your feelings. So hard when it is your first relationship to spot these things.
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 He will probably dump you once the other women gamer becomes the sure thing. If she has a fiance, she is not a sure bet yet and you are (for sex). He is treating you like you are an annoying pest rather than a girlfriend he is supposed to be falling in love with. This looks so bad that it's completly irrelevant if he lets you play the game with them. You don't need to see how he acts around her in cyberspace. You already KNOW that he is making her a priority over you, that should be enough to end this.
love2dance Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I'm sorry that you are going through this. This guy is just playing with you. You are a free babysitter and a booty call. He is probably doing the same thing to the other girl as he is doing to you. He is probably calling her his girlfriend and telling her that you are just a "friend". Please drop him and try to find a guy who treats you well..
Woman In Blue Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 What's a 35 year old man doing playing games online anyway? Talk about immature. He's got a history of lying and cheating, and obviously suffers from some sort of arrested development if he's wasting his time playing online games and hitting on women while doing it every night. I can't imagine anything lamer than that. So, your boyfriend gave you the "privilege" of watching his kids during his scheduled visitation over the weekend so he could go to work? LOL. That wasn't a privilege - you saved him probably $50 that he'd be paying the local babysitter. Don't be too flattered that he saddled you with his kids so he didn't have to spend a thin dime on childcare for the weekend. He's a complete ASS for trusting someone he met over the internet to watch his kids, but then again, he's a selfish jerk constantly looking to please HIMSELF anyway, so I'm not surprised. You are WAY too naive and this isn't going to end well. Bet the farm on that. I'm not even going to touch on Romeo already setting up his newest victim online. He's just so utterly pathetic. May I assume that his newest victim is also much younger than he is? Loser. With all due respect, you're 24 years old and have never had a boyfriend before. Your insecurity and childishness are clearly showing - when you're older and wiser you'll learn better how to choose your battles more wisely. Then again, when you're older, you'll also be able to tell a player from a sincere, decent man. Right now, you're not able to see what alot of us are clearly able to see, just by your posts alone. Anyway, alot of people have pictures of past spouses/girlfriends and you need to learn to accept that instead of whining and nagging that you want those pictures deleted. That's just too childish for words and will get you nowhere REAL fast. Learn the art of acceptance and the fact that people DID have pasts before they met us. In this guy's case, however, asking him to delete pictures of a past girlfriend is the LEAST of your problems. You need to delete HIM. Seriously.
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