Angel Pie Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 My bf and I have been living together for almost 2 years. Communication has not been our strong point. I will try and explain to him that I would like our relationship to be better. He will immediatley get mad and shut down, name call, insult me, tell me that he wants to break up. Silence will happen for a few days and then he starts showing that he sorry, never by saying it, but always by doing something nice like cooking me dinners or buying stuff, helping me without me asking. Then he will start to cuddle, and hes done with the couch and back sleeping in our bed. Its an exhausting pattern. Yesterday he admitted to a small lie. He also informed that he will continue to lie anytime he fears I will get mad. I told him that I only want honesty from here on. He got very mad and the pattern started. He wants to break up, he hates me, wants this to be over...only this time was worse. He starts packing his clothes and pilling them up and tells me hes leaving in a week. I start crying because this puts me in a very bad financial state. He says he doesnt care about me, that Im here to ruin his life and he doesnt feel bad about doing that to me. Im hysterical, I just couldnt control the tears and anger. It hurt so bad, he then taunts me by saying as if we agreed to this "do you want this candle set?" After this war is over. He lays on the couch, depressed, and asks "why do people do this?" "what is the meaning of all of this?" He rambles on a bit but Im too upset to speak. Later the only thing I can ask is if he really is leaving in a week. He sounds like hes given up on life and says "Its whatever you want, Im screwed if I leave and im screwed if I stay" I tell him that he can leave if he wants as its his life and happiness but I need to know as I have to situate myself. He then says I know hes never leaving. I ask one last time as Im losing my patients with these nonsense answers. He replies with " no, im not leaving, im not a woman" I get up and leave. Im at work now. Im nervous to go home. Im scared everything will be packed and its really over. Im scared he may have moved out while im at work. If hes there I dont know how to conduct myself...
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 You two, if you want to try to salvage this relationship, need to have some outside help. As a couple and as individuals, I suspect there is some deeper issues here then just lack of healthy communication skills, therapy should seriously be pursued. If he is not interested you need to start figuring out how to move on. Good luck
goatee Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 if you work, you're not in a bad financial state. Listen, you can either be in a relationship where you trust each other, or a relationship where one partner guilt trips the other to get what he/she wants. If he hasn't left you he's also scared of leaving. So call his bluff, if he leaves and you can't handle it go crawling back to him assured you're stuck like this. You're a girl with a pussy and boobs, trust me it's not hard to find another guy lol. Stop being a slave to stupid **** and grow some balls.
StrugglingS Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Stop being a slave to stupid **** and grow some balls. I'll be brutally honest, your partner sounds like an idiot - I'm in complete agreement with goatee - sounds like you could do with finding someone that can treat you a bit better! You shouldn't stick with someone just because of financial constraints, that's really not a good enough reason to be together. If you two genuinely want to be together then you should be seeking some kind of counselling, but if not, I really think you should look at going your separate ways, I'm afraid.
djentleman Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 My bf and I have been living together for almost 2 years. Communication has not been our strong point. I will try and explain to him that I would like our relationship to be better. He will immediatley get mad and shut down, name call, insult me, tell me that he wants to break up. Silence will happen for a few days and then he starts showing that he sorry, never by saying it, but always by doing something nice like cooking me dinners or buying stuff, helping me without me asking. Then he will start to cuddle, and hes done with the couch and back sleeping in our bed. Its an exhausting pattern. This sounds a lot like the way I reacted to those harmless confrontations. I wasn't quick to fly off the handle and insult and name call, but I'll plead guilty to having done it at least half the time (period). I'm not defending myself, but there were times when I was provoked, but it was my fault for failing at passive-aggressive, verbal communication, to rationalize and calmly talk like a mature adult. I let myself become a very, very, VERY poor communicator. My body language was all wrong too... I'd slouch or lay lifelessly, as though I didn't want to hear it. There is no wonder why she had her fill with me — it took her to leave me to understand these things. And, I really feel that over time, unless your man has an epiphany, he won't change until he shts on your 9th life. He may think he has 10, but more than likely, he'll be distraught little baby once you've had your fill and can no longer take it... I was. At that point, putting up with this kind of act and/or form of abuse (to the seriousness of the relationship) will surely no longer be worth it, and struggling to make it on your own financially will certainly seem manageable.
Ilovecake Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Angel pie you pretty much described my last serious relationship. You are living with an abusive, passive aggressive, emotional terrorist. The longer you let him verbally and emotionally terrorize you the worst it will get. Because you put up with it he has absolutely no consequences as a reason to change. Not only is your boyfriend abusive but he wants you to do the actual dirty work of ending the relationship. He's going to be a jerk until you pull the plug. That way he can walk away a guiltless coward, saying he was the good guy trying to work on it but you gave up on the relationship. My ex didn't call me names but would completely shut down whenever I was mad or would want to calmly talk about something that had to do with our relationship. The few times he got mad at me for something, he didn't even tell me he was mad, he just moved out. Never once did 'I'm sorry' come out of his mouth. He moved out twice without a word and I took him back both times. The third time I moved as well and now he's torturing someone else.
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