Gruesome Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 (edited) So this is my first post. Basically, I'm doing this here - because my group of friends is so intertwined with each other, and drama free... Just need some advice on what to do in this situation. Alright, So my absolute best friend,Chad was going to get married to Meagen - another great friend of mine... they dated for around 6 years, I've known them both for more than 10 years. So 2 years ago, they break up due to Chad cheating on Meg. Chad is now in a committed relationship, Meg is not. Meg and I have always had a thing for each other - since middle school. She is beautiful, easy to talk to, and loves me. We've never had anything happen between us, other than a few drunk kisses - but you can just feel the sexual tension between us. When hanging out together in public/bars/clubs she likes to stay with me - even if we are in a large group of our mutual friends. She doesn't like to hear anything about my relationships, and she really hasn't had a relationship since Chad. She gets jealous when I buy other girls drinks or dance with them. I honestly get the feeling that she is holding out for me, but I'm not sure what to do in this situation, as Chad has made it clear that none of his friends are to try to hook up with Meagen. It's really driving me crazy, as I talk to her pretty much constantly - and think about her all the time. I would love to date her. She is marriage material. Basically how I am dealing with this now, is to just avoid hanging out with her outside of large groups. I've talked to her about how I feel, and she said that she has wanted to be with me since I met her (about 6 months before her and Chad got togehter), but I was in a relationship then... I'm single now, so is she... Chad is in a serious relationship - but I still know that he would definitely not approve. Sorry for the novel, but this is bothering me to the point of not being able to think about anything else. What should I do? Edited March 30, 2010 by Gruesome
homersheineken Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Why does your "friend" Chad care? It's been a couple of years and he's moved on to a new relationship. Why isn't she allowed to date who she wants? Chad has some insecurities. I wouldn't let him run my life's decisions. You can expect to lose him as a friend.
silic0ntoad Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 First, your best friend cheated. So he's a dbag and deserves what he gets. Second, is your loyalty to someone really that selfish? What would I do? I'd tell Chad. I'd say look, I know you don't want anyone dating Meagan, but I feel some type of way about her. I am asking for your blessing to pursue this to whatever end. If he says ok, then you're good. If he says no, then you need to ask yourself is his friendship worth more to you then the potential of a relationship with someone you already have feelings for? And then, is the potential that this relationship may not even coalesce worth the risk of losing Chad as a best friend?
boogieboy Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 You have to date Meg and be prepared to take the loss of your friendship with Chad. Youre going to anyway, so you might as well be prepared to write Chad off.
Author Gruesome Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Gotcha. I've hinted to Chad I might be interested in Meagen in the past, and he has not taken it well. His reasoning that none of his friends can date her is that he was "engaged to her, and dated her for 6 years, and that I could never understand what happened between them" I see that he has insecurities, but I just don't understand why he has them. He had no problems with me hooking her up with one of my friends that he didn't know, I would think that it being ME, his best friend, he would prefer me to date her, than some other random douche. He has told me on a few drunken occasions that he still has feelings for her, and that in cheating on her it "ruined his life".
homersheineken Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 He has told me on a few drunken occasions that he still has feelings for her, and that in cheating on her it "ruined his life". And there's your answer. He's a selfish jerk who thinks only of his happiness, not the best friend he's c**kblocking nor the fiance he cheated on. Even if you don't date this girl, he's not someone I'd want to depend on or be close to.
DustySaltus Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Tough situation here. Be prepared to lose a friend. Yeah he's selfish but there's definetly a code amongst men that needs to be observed. I'm not saying he's a good dude because I don't think he is. I just think that this whole thing has the potential to spin out of control considering the close knit group of friends you have. All men make mistakes and he obviously regrets what he did. She wasn't having it though and moved on. Now he may be in a new relationship but he wasn't ENGAGED to them like he was with her. I mean there are so many fish in the sea, do you really need to hit this close to home? Being someone that was engaged to someone myself in the past I would have a problem with this and I went through a very nasty breakup. Unless you feel that she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with I suggest you move on.
Author Gruesome Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 (edited) Tough situation here. Be prepared to lose a friend. Yeah he's selfish but there's definetly a code amongst men that needs to be observed. I'm not saying he's a good dude because I don't think he is. I just think that this whole thing has the potential to spin out of control considering the close knit group of friends you have. All men make mistakes and he obviously regrets what he did. She wasn't having it though and moved on. Now he may be in a new relationship but he wasn't ENGAGED to them like he was with her. I mean there are so many fish in the sea, do you really need to hit this close to home? Being someone that was engaged to someone myself in the past I would have a problem with this and I went through a very nasty breakup. Unless you feel that she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with I suggest you move on. The man code is really what's getting me. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I don't see how I can continue hanging out with Meg without anything happening between us. In my brain it's like I need to either stop being friends with him and date her, or stop being friends with her and continue having him as a friend. I think I might try to date her without him knowing for a while, just to see how things go. When hanging out with her in closed quarters she is usually all over me - she has to be close to me whenever we are together. I don't know, a few times I was sure we were going to have sex, and the only reason it didn't happen was due to my willpower. I can't keep denying her forever though. I don't see myself having a healthy relationship with anyone else until I can figure out how to deal with this. I guess I'm just going to go for it, and deal with the repercussions. **** it. Maybe when he sees that we have a happy and healthy relationship he'll change his mind and be happy for us. I don't think he really knows the extent that I see her and talk to her. Edited March 30, 2010 by Gruesome
homersheineken Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 There's a statute of limitation on this 'man code'. The fact that he ended it by cheating even shortens the period. A 'friend' wouldn't block you from being happy.
phineas Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Don't do it behind his back. It's a D-Bag move. It really depends on your friends. If you & chad have a falling out because you & his ex hooked up are they going to be happy for the both of you & tell chad to man up because he had his chance & blew it? Or tell you "not cool" & never talk to you again?
Author Gruesome Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Don't do it behind his back. It's a D-Bag move. It really depends on your friends. If you & chad have a falling out because you & his ex hooked up are they going to be happy for the both of you & tell chad to man up because he had his chance & blew it? Or tell you "not cool" & never talk to you again? Gotcha, I'm going to talk to him tonight. Ha, not looking forward to it. Honestly I'm thinking being with her would be worth it, even if he did drop me. The rest of my friends probably would not drop me, but be happy for me... as they keep trying to hook me up with girls, but I'm just not interested.
homersheineken Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Gotcha, I'm going to talk to him tonight. Ha, not looking forward to it. Honestly I'm thinking being with her would be worth it, even if he did drop me. The rest of my friends probably would not drop me, but be happy for me... as they keep trying to hook me up with girls, but I'm just not interested. If you're worried about the other friends, def talk to him first and make sure the others know about it. If they know you're being upfront and a man about it, if they're real friends they won't take sides.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Be completely honest, that's all you can do. Tell him that you think you love her and really want to date her. He has to get over it, she's his EX and he cheated on her..Years ago. He needs to let go and move on and not care who she dates, in the group of friends. If he is a true long lasting friend, he'll want to see you happy, reguardless of who you date, even her. Seems he's bitter and wants her to suffer, not be happy either.
Author Gruesome Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Just talked to him about this on the phone. He said he could tell by the way she looks at me we had something going on. He said he doesn't have a problem with ME dating her, as long as I take care of her. Previously when I talked with him he thought I was just looking to hook up with her. He still has feelings for her, He wants her to be happy though. So it looks like I'll have a girlfriend here pretty soon. Thanks for the advice everyone. Much appreciated. Might stick around.
txsilkysmoothe Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I think you should also consider these two possibilities - 1. Chad and Meagan re-unite. Are you going to want to hang around that? Obviously, he is hoping for another chance with her. 2. Meagan finds another man while you are busy following the "man code." Ask Chad if you can date Meagan in front of his new girlfriend.
SomewhatExperienced Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I agree with what most people above have said. The fact he cheated on her, it was two years ago and he's now in a serious relationship should definitely cut you some slack on the man code. I do think that you HAVE to tell him your intentions first. I wouldn't ask for permission though. be honest and explain to him how you feel about her and why you the "man code" shouldn't apply here and that you're going to date her. As one poster said, ask for his blessing, and if he still won't bend, date her anyway. He'll likely forgive you when he sees that you're happy with her.
JustLooking123 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Ask Chad if you can date Meagan in front of his new girlfriend. :laugh: Be prepared to lose one of them...sad but true. That said, maybe Chad will come to his senses and realize he's being selfish and immature. If he loved her so much, he shouldn't have cheated on her; he doesn't own her or have any kind of permanent claim on her. When you talk to Chad, make sure he understands how much you care about her, and that you aren't just jumping into some casual dating thing.
phineas Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 am I missing something? Do Chad & Megan hang out at the same time with the group? It doesn't seem that way because she is always talking to him & he made out with her. Hard to do that with her ex around. I really don't see a problem.
Author Gruesome Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 am I missing something? Do Chad & Megan hang out at the same time with the group? It doesn't seem that way because she is always talking to him & he made out with her. Hard to do that with her ex around. I really don't see a problem. We all hang out together pretty frequently. Like last night all of us went to the movies. I did talk to Chad last night, in depth, about what my intentions were - and basically told him I was asking for his blessing, and if he didn't give it to me - I was going to move forward regardless. He said as long as I didn't break her heart he didn't have a problem with me dating her.
ADF Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Not only is Chad in a serious relationship with someone else, but he sabotaged his earlier relationship with Meagan by cheating. He has pretty much forfeited any claims to her. Go ahead and ask Meagan out. If Chad objects, tell him he needs to grow the heck up.
DustySaltus Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Not only is Chad in a serious relationship with someone else, but he sabotaged his earlier relationship with Meagan by cheating. He has pretty much forfeited any claims to her. Go ahead and ask Meagan out. If Chad objects, tell him he needs to grow the heck up. There's no doubt that Chad screwed up in the past. Maybe he has grown up and realized his mistakes. Meagan didn't want anything to do with him though and she's now happy with Gruesome. There has to be some underlying resentment brewing there that will manifest itself down the line (maybe in the next drunk encounter), it just wouldn't be natural.
cooldudeinberlin Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 well, being that I think there are unlimited opportunities out there in the world, etc. etc. I firmly would never get with any woman that had been with any of my friends... out of respect... but that's just me, I do not judge others by that same code. 1.) what right does your friend have to be setting ultimatums and demands on what Meg does with her life or any of his friends? That sounds really f*cking wacko... stalkerish... almost obsessed. However, since he is a long term friend of yours, I would consider talking things out with him if you really do have interest in her. 2.) You dont really seem to know if Meg reciprocates your feelings... I get the feeling in your post that you are assuming. Regardless of sexual tension, etc. Many guys misread situations all the time... 3.) Now last is the first thing you should do... establish to yourself if you really have interest in Meg other than just being a friend... remember, there is a strong possibility the friendship thing will end if things end with you guys, its not like some fling that you can still remain friends with years and years... next.. find out from her if that is really the case... then lastly, not that you need or obligated to, but be a gentleman with dignity and care about your friend's feelings and talk to him about it. he might give you his blessing.
Author Gruesome Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 well, being that I think there are unlimited opportunities out there in the world, etc. etc. I firmly would never get with any woman that had been with any of my friends... out of respect... but that's just me, I do not judge others by that same code. 1.) what right does your friend have to be setting ultimatums and demands on what Meg does with her life or any of his friends? That sounds really f*cking wacko... stalkerish... almost obsessed. However, since he is a long term friend of yours, I would consider talking things out with him if you really do have interest in her. 2.) You dont really seem to know if Meg reciprocates your feelings... I get the feeling in your post that you are assuming. Regardless of sexual tension, etc. Many guys misread situations all the time... 3.) Now last is the first thing you should do... establish to yourself if you really have interest in Meg other than just being a friend... remember, there is a strong possibility the friendship thing will end if things end with you guys, its not like some fling that you can still remain friends with years and years... next.. find out from her if that is really the case... then lastly, not that you need or obligated to, but be a gentleman with dignity and care about your friend's feelings and talk to him about it. he might give you his blessing. Thanks for the advice! First off, I am absolutely certain Meg feels the same way for me - otherwise I wouldn't even have considered talking to Chad about it. Second, I talked to Chad last night - and he did give me his blessing with specific instructions not to "**** things up". He admitted to still having feelings for her, but he says that he will feel better knowing that she is with ME, and not some other random guy. He knows I will take care of her. Third, Meagen came by my house this morning - and We are now official. We're going to take things slowly starting out, because we both want to make it work. It doesn't get much better, having a girlfriend who I already know everything about and vice versa. I'm pretty stoked to see how this plays out.
McGrupp Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 wtf kinda name is "chad" anyway... meaghan sounds hot and DTF. i say here, you lose him for this sweet piece of arse...
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