I need a reality check.

[dh2cali]

Background info:

We have 3 children ages 4, 2 and 8 months.

 

A usual day for me is:

 

1. Wake up at around 7am

2. Let the dogs out to do their thing and refresh their bowls

3. If the kids are up, change diapers and get some breakfast going

4. Quickly get ready

5. Pickup after the dogs and head out the door (I try to do it daily, though usually a day or two goes by)

6. Get to work at 8am

7. Get home at 6pm (work about 4 miles from home)

8. Hugs and quick chat with the kids, ask my wife how her day was

9. Make dinner

10. Get everyone to the table by about 6:30-7:00pm (wife doesn’t always eat at the table)

11. Maybe watch a short kids show, boardgame or playdough with the kids if dinner was done fast enough

12. Get the girls changed into pajamas and ideally the baby as well.

13. Story time (sometimes me, sometimes their TAG readers, just depends on what they want)

14. Bed time drinks for the older two

15. Kids’ lights out by 8pm, with the door ajar and the hallway light on

16. Get the baby from mama and put him down

17. Put away yesterday’s dishes

18. Do today’s dishes by hand until they’re done,

19. Wipe down the counters

20. Done by 8:30-9pm

21. Veg a bit and get the wife things as she requests (make her some tea, get her phone, maker her a snack, whatever)

22. If applicable do that particular day’s must do chore (ie. put out the trash cans, move the cars for street sweeping.

23. Head to bed around 10-11pm

24. Get up to bring my wife the baby 2-3 times a night for nursing

25. Get up to put the baby back down 2-3 times a night after nursing and usually one diaper change in there somewhere

26. Get up usually only once a night to soothe the 2y/o

27. Rinse, recycle, repeat until the weekend for errands and family fun.

 

My wife is a stay at home mom, so her usual day is herding 2 rambunctious kittens plus the 30lb weight attached to her hip and trying to keep the house neat, while beating back the laundry beast. This doesn’t count play dates and all the other little things that go into a typical day. Though with laundry I do help a bit as well, because we usually end up with a mountain of clean clothes that needs to be folded and put away, so at her request I assist on the weekends.

 

She checks out the moment I get home at 6pm to jump on the computer and watch her shows, but usually has to feed the baby to sleep between 7:30 and 8pm.

 

The issue:

Anyway, we had a bit of fight yesterday, because she told me that I needed to do my share around the house so I had to pickup the main room before I came to bed. Mind you there were probably only 2-3 minutes (at most) worth of toys and fallen things to straighten up, but I was incensed.

 

I didn’t appreciate being (effectively) told I don’t much around the house or that she felt she could tell me what to do as if I were some kind of servant (whether or not that’s how she meant it, this is how it came across to me).

 

I told her in a less than civil way to basically stuff it.

 

She splayed out in the middle of the bed and told me to take the couch (and to be honest, I was terribly jazzed about sharing a bed with her at that point anyway) so I headed out to the main room.

 

15-30 minutes later she comes out (I’m assuming here) looking to smooth things over and leads in with: “I’m sorry you’re upset, but” at which point I cut her off, told her to save it, because it came across as totally invalidating my reason for being upset. I was mad that her day ends at 6pm and mine ends somewhere between 8 and 9, yet I’m not pulling my weight around the house and therefore I HAD to perform additional work to be allowed to sleep in my own bed.

 

It didn’t go much better this morning, though I didn’t really have time for a discussion/debate.

 

Is it wrong for me to feel that while yes her day is tough, that she (like me) shouldn’t check out until the kids are in bed? It would have been much easier to just pickup the room, but I feel like this is just going to keep happening and I’m going to be continue to be irritated by her checking out at 6 and justifying it by saying I don’t do anything around the house and I need to pull my weight. I don’t demand she get a job and pull her weight financially. I didn’t tell her to become a stay at home mom, it was what she decided and we worked together to make sure we could afford it. I tell her if she’s tired of being a stay at home mom we can figure out a way to afford putting the kids in school/care while she works or goes back to school for a master’s or whatever.

 

Am I off base for being pissed off? Am I missing something obvious? I just need a reality check.

Edited March 30, 2010 by dh2cali

[blind_otter]

When my ex and I were still together we had similar issues, though he did much less than you. I was the SAHM and I did all the cooking, I had dinner ready for him when he got home and I either packed his lunch or brought him something hot that I had just cooked. I also did ALL the nighttime parenting, because I felt this was my responsibility as I got to stay at home and had an opportunity to nap during the day if I needed to. I also did all of the cleaning.

 

BUT - that being said, we had a rule that my ex got 40 minutes to himself to decompress after work, and I usually tried to get free time in the evening a little bit, because I got none during the day and was usually up all night with our son.

 

Anyways, I have heard it is a good rule of thumb to institue at "decompression policy" where you get to do something just for yourself for 40-45 minutes right after you get home from work. You will probably feel much more refreshed, and it's not too terribly much to ask...

[Bill13]

I would have to say you are probably doing 95% more than what i was involved with as far as raising the kids. Yes she was a stay at home mom too. by mutual agreement, and had no expectations of me having to have 2 full time jobs (work and raising a kid). I don't think you have any reason for being pissed off.

Since you are in the arguement phase of things, why not print off what you wrote hand it to her and let her read it, perhaps if she reads it in black and white, she might have a better understanding of where you are coming from, rather than just some quick comment about why you are pissed in general with not too many details.

I would welcome a detailed extensive list of what an issue is when it comes to an arguement or issue rather that just some quick statement. If you have all the issues in front of you it could lead to a detailed discussion with some actual results.

 

But maybe thats just me.

[Kenyth]

You guys just need to talk about the reality of your situations. You guys have equal work during the day while you are apart. When you get home, the remaining part of the day should be a 50/50 split.

 

Sometimes, when both parents are overworked, one will get the false impression that the other is having a party during the day. For husbands, they may think the SAHM is watching TV and eating bon-bons all day while they're working. The SAHM may feel that the breadwinner is drinking coffee, chatting with friends, and surfing the web all day long. Both views are pretty much wrong. This is why it is important to be careful about how much responsibility one takes on with child rearing. It can easily get overwhelming for both parents.

 

At this point, you guys just need to talk it out, invest in as many time saving household appliances as you can afford, and hang in there until the kids get a bit more independant. It will probably be almost two years before I think you'll get a significant break, so you need to pace yourself.

[troggleputty]

I would definitely advise you to invest in a keylogger (secret monitoring software which you can install on your wife's computer to track what she is doing without her knowing about it).

 

The red flag is that as soon as you get home she hops onto the computer. Who is she talking to and what is she doing?

 

You need to find out.

 

The second red flag is her disdainful treatment of you. She may be checking out of the marriage, and you need to nip that in the bud.

 

Someone might be giving her "ideas." It could be a female friend...it could be a male friend.

 

You need to find out, and she'll never tell you voluntarily.

[whichwayisup]

When my ex and I were still together we had similar issues, though he did much less than you. I was the SAHM and I did all the cooking, I had dinner ready for him when he got home and I either packed his lunch or brought him something hot that I had just cooked. I also did ALL the nighttime parenting, because I felt this was my responsibility as I got to stay at home and had an opportunity to nap during the day if I needed to. I also did all of the cleaning.

 

BUT - that being said, we had a rule that my ex got 40 minutes to himself to decompress after work, and I usually tried to get free time in the evening a little bit, because I got none during the day and was usually up all night with our son.

 

Anyways, I have heard it is a good rule of thumb to institue at "decompression policy" where you get to do something just for yourself for 40-45 minutes right after you get home from work. You will probably feel much more refreshed, and it's not too terribly much to ask...

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

Also, maybe your wife can ask for help afew days a week...Any young teens in the neighbourhood to help her for afew hours after school? This way she can get abit of time to either relax or clean up, make dinner without having to worry about the kids.. Then when you get home, things are cleaner and calmer, you won't feel the need to quickly get it all done before bed, be able to enjoy your time with the kids with less house cleaning. Or, hire a cleaning lady to come once every few weeks, just to lighten the load.

[dh2cali]

I would definitely advise you to invest in a keylogger (secret monitoring software which you can install on your wife's computer to track what she is doing without her knowing about it).

 

The red flag is that as soon as you get home she hops onto the computer. Who is she talking to and what is she doing?

 

You need to find out.

 

The second red flag is her disdainful treatment of you. She may be checking out of the marriage, and you need to nip that in the bud.

 

Someone might be giving her "ideas." It could be a female friend...it could be a male friend.

 

You need to find out, and she'll never tell you voluntarily.

 

That is the most psychotic advice I think anyone has ever offered me...

[thom3]

You do a hell lot more housework than I do, so I think you have every right to be pissed. Dishes take forever to do by hand although it takes only a few minutes to fill the sink up again.

 

But the next time you guys have an argument, don't interrupt her, let her say her bit and then you say yours.

 

Reading your itinerary is horribly depressing BTW. Is this what we have to look forward to for the next 20 years when we get married and have kids?

Edited March 31, 2010 by thom3

[tigereyes1428]

i am sorry but she is at it..

I am a single mum of 3 boys 12, 6 and 11months and have a baby on the way - i work and keep my home and if i was lucky enough to be married to someone prepared to do their share then i would have the dinner ready for you coming home if you were working your ass of everyday to allow me to be at home with my kids rather than out working - i would have house kept also, i would prob like one of the weekend days to be able to lie in bed til at least 9am and you could have the other day - also I believe when breastfeeding whats the point in the man being awake through the night when he has work to get up for in the morning? why cant she get the baby on her own - does she have mobility problems?

i'd also love to sit and have a conversation with an adult at night - there fore when you returned from work and WE had settled kids and done what needs to be done - i would like to sit and have a chat and re-connect with my partner , this is just my opinion on how my perfect scenarios would be - perhaps its easier for me to appreciate all that you do as I have been doing it all alone - sometimes when your used to things you can take that person for granted - do you appreciate what she does during the day and let her know that? and does she appreciate and respect you and how much her life would differ and her kids if you stopped doing what you do ? take some time out to remember what you love about her and work on it - please.. good luck

[kevinconner]

I don't even know what to say on this. I'm floored.

 

That inner sense of you that forces the feeling of "do the right thing" and do not rock the boat? Yeah that one. It is going to eat you alive. And while you may not feel it now, there is a small light of resentment deep inside of you. When this all settles, the kids grow a little and life gets more normal is when you will actually be able to see how bright that light really is.

 

Waking up, at night, to assit in the feeding is insane. Explain to your wife that you would gain a promotion and be able to work harder if you could sleep through the night. Tell her to nap during the day when the kids nap. At best, M and Thur should be nights you sleep through so you can kick ass at work.

 

Do you think she enjoys the role of being a SAHM? Anyone who "jumps" on a computer is looking for an escape. She needs a break and feels 100% that she deserves it.

 

Some points:

 

• Take a look at the things that are consuming time. Save money for a dishwasher.
  
• Buy crates and tell the kids to put away their own toys or there will be no toys
  
• Don't buy anymore pets.
  
• Make one very large meal on Sundays and then eat that throughout the week with some variations.
  
• Breakfast doesn't have to be hot. Juice and a Pop-Tart. Done.
  
• The four year old can get her own PJ's on. Put them in a box in her room and that is her job to keep track of. Buy more pairs of PJ's.
  
• Start the ferber method on 2yr old. Wait 5 min, then 10 then 15 before you go into room to soothe
  
• Story time should be all kids at once. They choose one book, then alternate days on who gets to choose.
  

Also, send your "mamma" a signal. Schedule a night out, at a bar to shoot pool with your guy friends. Give her 2 weeks notice. If she pouts the night you head out, or she acts cold, you need to have a "talk the Jesus" conversation with her about her emotional need to control you.

 

Thoughts?

[dh2cali]

You do a hell lot more housework than I do, so I think you have every right to be pissed. Dishes take forever to do by hand although it takes only a few minutes to fill the sink up again.

 

But the next time you guys have an argument, don't interrupt her, let her say her bit and then you say yours.

 

Reading your itinerary is horribly depressing BTW. Is this what we have to look forward to for the next 20 years when we get married and have kids?

 

Nah, kids get easier with time. We just have 3 pretty much fully dependent (regardless of what my 4yo thinks) children.

 

And these difficulties help shape your marriage as well. For the better if you turn to each other when it gets rough, and for the worse if you don't I imagine.

 

The difficulties change, but they're less time consuming, less exhausting as they grow more independent, especially if you put the time in up front when they're young.

 

And they (imho) are so worth it. The things they say and do, how they think, getting to see the world through their eyes, being their hero... it's an amazing experience and we've only been at it for four years.

 

I do admit that we both wish it hadn't happened so fast sometimes, but you don't always get to pick when life happens to you, and who's to say we'd have gotten the same wonderful children had we waited.

 

It's all chance, choices, and making the best of things.

[xxoo]

Nah, kids get easier with time. We just have 3 pretty much fully dependent (regardless of what my 4yo thinks) children.

 

And these difficulties help shape your marriage as well. For the better if you turn to each other when it gets rough, and for the worse if you don't I imagine..

 

You have a great, and very realistic, perspective on this time and these challenges. Your W is very lucky to have such an understanding husband.

 

I can't offer much other than, in my experience with young kids (and especially babies), very often there is just too much work and not enough "manpower". Both parents spend a lot of time feeling overwhelmed. It's easy to feel that the other is getting more downtime, but the truth is usually BOTH parents feel the other is getting more downtime. It would be interesting to see your wife's list of what she does all day from her perspective.

 

One suggestion I can make is put the baby in your bed. Getting up to bring the baby for nursing and return after seems needless to me. Either sidecar the crib, or set up a safe cosleeping area in the main bed. And don't change any wet diapers at night--only poops.

 

Can you get a dishwasher?

[dh2cali]

Thoughts?

• If the youngest would take a bottle, I'd say we could trade off night feedings, but he doesn't so no go there. I don't mind bringing her the little guy, because I know feeding is physically draining on top of being tired from poor sleep. I guess I'm just used to getting up all the time so I'm usually fine with it.
  
• We have a dishwasher, but I don't like the work it does. I hold off dishes until after I get the kids down. And I turn on the big screen and watch a show from the kitchen while I do the dishes, so I'm fine with that.
  
• As to toys, that's mostly her domain, and I know she's sent a bunch of things to all the grandparents and goodwill to make it harder for them to make a mess.
  
• Amen on the no new pets. They want a cat and I've stated that will not occur in no uncertain terms, because I know who'll actually end up taking care of the new addition.
  
• I've had several false starts putting together a 31 day meal plan, but I figure if I break it down into just picking a new recipe each day then I can get it done. However one large meal would not work for any of us.
  
• Breakfast is usually cereal, eggo waffles and bacon (which I'd already cooked) or oatmeal. Breakfast takes me less than 5 minutes to put on. I'm okay there.
  
• I don't mind the night time routine of getting the kids ready for bed. It's one more opportunity for me to get facetime with them.
  
• The 2yo gets up maybe once a night, for a drink or a quick soothing, so that I'm fine with. I'd love to be able to sleep train my youngest, but because he's the last we're having and the only boy, my wife is particularly "sensitive" about him still, and I can live with that for now, but I'm not about to let him become a brat.
  
• Story time is as much for them as it is for me. Even when I'm really tired it's part of the little time I do have with them.
  

 

We also do have nights out.

She has a night for coffee and sitting down to watch the newest House (or whatever) episode with a friend.

We trade off every wednesday for going out for beers with our friends.

I've been meaning to get a bowling night or something together with one of my friends, but I'm lazy about it.

[dh2cali]

One suggestion I can make is put the baby in your bed. Getting up to bring the baby for nursing and return after seems needless to me. Either sidecar the crib, or set up a safe cosleeping area in the main bed. And don't change any wet diapers at night--only poops.

 

Never-ever-ever-ever, no way, no how

 

That little guy would abuse that situation and then our sex life would become nonexistent. It's hard enough when we're both tired, besides I hear that I snore

[dh2cali]

Maybe I should clarify.

 

I don't begrudge what I do around the house, getting up at night or really anything that falls under my domain. I'm pretty much fine with all of it, even if I would change how we do some things.

 

I also don't think her day is a walk in the park; in fact I'm pretty sure (having had the kids by myself for 6-8 hours several times) that her day is more physically exhausting.

 

My reason for posting was I wanted to know if I wasn't pulling my weight, because she flat out told me I don't do enough around the house. I thought she was crazy, because while yes she does considerably more around the house, I also go to work.

 

I also wanted to know if other mom's thought that I wasn't getting it, when I get upset that she calls it a day when I get home, but I have to keep going for another 3 hours or so.

[blind_otter]

My reason for posting was I wanted to know if I wasn't pulling my weight, because she flat out told me I don't do enough around the house. I thought she was crazy, because while yes she does considerably more around the house, I also go to work.

 

I also wanted to know if other mom's thought that I wasn't getting it, when I get upset that she calls it a day when I get home, but I have to keep going for another 3 hours or so.

 

Well I think you are pulling your weight - moreso that I got from my son's father. I swear I get more free time now that we live apart than I did when he was living in the house! But when I was around, because I was willing to take up the slack, I became the default parent.

 

But I just wanted to echo what another poster said about her not being happy as a SAHM. I know that feeling of being unfulfilled. It can make you go slowly insane.

[Enema]

I think the overwhelming response to your question is:

 

Yes, you are pulling your weight and have every right to be upset at her attitude.

[xxoo]

My reason for posting was I wanted to know if I wasn't pulling my weight, because she flat out told me I don't do enough around the house. I thought she was crazy, because while yes she does considerably more around the house, I also go to work.

 

I also wanted to know if other mom's thought that I wasn't getting it, when I get upset that she calls it a day when I get home, but I have to keep going for another 3 hours or so.

 

Did she feel the same the next day? Or just in the moment?

 

I have to admit having some meltdowns like that with a baby in the house. There were times when I was SO exhausted and worn down, and I lashed out at my H insisting he had to do more. Unfair, but it happened sometimes. Mea culpa.

 

If this was more of a one evening meltdown than anything else, I'd say your focus here should be communication style. What is really hurtful are the "you" statements ("you need to do more"). Would you have felt as attacked if she said "I am just so overwhelmed and can't do it!"? Probably not, and that is probably what she ultimately meant.

 

Kicking the other out of the bed is something we've never done, and I don't really get that. How do you feel about that? Should there be some "fair fight" groundrules?

 

As for your list, it sounds like you get this already, but if you wish to control HOW things are done, you usually have to do it yourself. So, if it is you insisting the nursing baby sleep in another bed, then you need to be the one getting up and bringing him. And if it is you that doesn't think the dishwasher is good enough, then it is you that has to hand wash the dishes. If you want someone else to do the work, you have to relinquish control.

[Mr White]

Yep, you two need a serious talk. She's behaving disrespectfully and I'd feel used if I were you. Raising 3 kids is not easy, but neither is feeding a large family. It is NOT fair that she "checks out" once ou walk in the door while you keep working. I don't know how long this has been going on, but you should have confronted it earlier.

[SarahRose]

The first thing you should do is get a vasectomy.

[nofirstnames]

I don't know if anyone has said this yet, so I'm sorry for the repeat if they have. It's likely her reaction isn't actually about you not doing your share around the house. Seems to me you do plenty. Is it enough? Probably not, but you can never do enough when it comes to parenting three young children, including three square meals, and keeping your home orderly. The work load is immeasurable!

 

Perhaps its really about something else. But what? I don't know. She may be feeling overwhelmed at the moment, and lashed out at you because...well, because. My guess is her lashing out wasn't really about the toys left laying around. She just picked that because it was something to complain about.

 

As for her checking out as soon as you get home, there needs to be a balance. You are already feeling resentment for that, so I suggest you guys work something out there. Maybe you get to "check-out" two days a week when you come home from work.

 

Try a heart to heart with her. Appoligize for your reaction, and ask her where she thinks this is coming from. Show her your typical day so she knows where your coming from. Don't disregard her feelings, but ask her what more she would like you to do because you're feeling stretched pretty thin as it is. Maybe she has an emotional need that you're not filling at the moment, be it affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation/companionship, etc. The emotional needs questionaire on the marriage builders website might be a good starting point. Good luck!

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf

[giotto]

 

My reason for posting was I wanted to know if I wasn't pulling my weight, because she flat out told me I don't do enough around the house. I thought she was crazy, because while yes she does considerably more around the house, I also go to work.

 

I also wanted to know if other mom's thought that I wasn't getting it, when I get upset that she calls it a day when I get home, but I have to keep going for another 3 hours or so.

 

well, that's what I used to do... very similar schedule to yours... but my wife worked as well... so, no argument there!

 

You are pulling your weight alright, so ignore what she is saying... it's s challenging time for you both, with kids so young, but it will get better... believe me, I've had 4! You should cooperate and work together on the family front, not argue and get resentful...

[stillafool]

I'm sorry OP but I know plenty of SAHMs who have 3 and 4 children and their husbands don't do half the work you do. You need to have a talk with your wife about her responsibilities. I know women whose husbands travel leaving them with 3 small kids at home and they get the job done. Your wife needs a schedule.

[Luv2dance]

I'd also agree you do plenty and much more than many husbands I know. Sounds like you could use a heart to heart about what is really going on and what she is really upset about. Resentment can do major damage to a marriage if it is not dealt with quickly! Just read the other threads here on LS...