LoveBonnie Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 So, I’m in what would have to be one of the most confusing dilemmas I’ve ever had to face in my life. No matter how much I think about it and talk about it with anyone, I just can’t get any perspective and my mind stays as clouded as it ever was. I just don’t think there’s a simple and easy answer to this and I don’t think there ever will be. I’m going to try to make this as short as possible but I can still tell it’s going to belong, so bare with me. I’m currently in a relationship with one of the greatest guys I’ve ever known. We have an amazing connection and we’ve been through so much together, we love each other immensely and our love has grown since we’ve been together. We’ve been through some amazing times and some bad ones. In short, it’s the perfect relationship (save a couple of smallish things). We’d been living together for two years when he told me that he needed to move away to another city for work – we’d been planning to move there together in a few months anyway, but as I was under contract in my job and he’d had this offer from another branch of his work, he had to move 4 months before I was able to. I didn’t take this well as I’ve never lived on my own and I don’t survive well when he’s away for more than a couple of days. I guess I’m pretty needy and emotional but he said that’s one of the things he loves about me. So fast forward a year and we’re still living apart – I ended up moving but we figured with our finances and everything (we’re both 21) we should probably live separately until we can afford to live together again. He’s living at home with his parents an hour and a half away from me and I’m sharing with a close friend of mine in the city. At first we said we’d only be apart for no more than 4 months but it’s been a year now and it feels like we’re growing further and further apart every day. We hardly see each other because we’re so caught up in our own lives that when we do see each other it can sometimes be awkward and distant. There’s no magic or passion anymore, it often feels like we’re just friends. Work and study commitments mean we’re hardly able to talk or see each other and it’s just getting harder and harder to keep our relationship healthy. Just after he moved away, every time he’d come to see me would feel amazing. It felt like I was in heaven. We’d sit up and talk for hours and reminisce and it felt so good and fresh. He’s not an affectionate person usually but he’d actually be really affectionate during these times. And each time we had to say goodbye felt like death. It was like he was going away forever and it killed me inside. I’d feel heartbroken for days and miss him insanely. As time has gone on, every time we see each other seems to feel more and more casual. We have less to talk about and we’re not really that affectionate apart from when we have sex. Our conversations online and over text messages have become more and more casual and friend-like, to the point where when I tell him I love him it’s almost like a chore rather than something that really comes from the heart. Now when he goes away after we see each other, I just go back to my life without really feeling much emotional backlash at all. We hardly talk about moving in together anymore. It just seems so far away and unrealistic. I can’t stop thinking about how much longer our relationship can last with this distance between us. So this is my dilemma.. I have what feels to me like the perfect relationship and the perfect partner, but a really bad situation. I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this relationship, it just seems like more work than it’s worth. I’m sick of the lonely nights, the distance between us (both physical and emotional), always wanting him here when he can’t be, constantly having to tell people why we don’t live together anymore and coming up with excuses as to why we can’t move in together again yet, and always having to see my friends and everyone close to me in these happy relationships with people they get to live with and see every day. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’ve been considering sitting down with him and talking everything out, finding out his thoughts about it all, and possibly asking for a break of some sort. Time apart from each other might do us the world of good and hopefully help get back the magic we’ve lost.
Author LoveBonnie Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Does anyone have any advice? I'm really confused about this =/
Pfiend101 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I have what feels to me like the perfect relationship and the perfect partner, but a really bad situation. I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this relationship, it just seems like more work than it’s worth. Look at this statement. If everything was perfect you probably wouldn't be having these doubts. Even with the distance. If you think hes the one obviously the choice would be to tough it out. You are young and this is probably your first long relationship. It would be tough to breakup but being as your both 21 he is probably not the one. He may be though and if you let him go then its just life. We all just have to play the hands we're dealt.
Els Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 What I really don't understand, is how a 1.5 hour drive can cause that much emotional distance between you two. Are you sure it's the physical distance that's the root of the problem? I drove 1.5 hours to work everyday for months!
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 The 'perfect relationship'.....Hmmmmm... "Absence is to Love what wind is to fire: It enflames the great, but extinguishes the small". This isn't the great big one of your life. You might have thought it was. You might have hoped it was. I married at 21, to my love, my soul-mate, my lifelong other half, my world, my very life's breath..... We divorced a year later. See where I'm going with this....? 1.5 hours is nothing. My parents had 1.5k miles between them. 56 years later, they're still together. Time and distance is never an object if the love is worth it..... Think about it.
Author LoveBonnie Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 What I meant by perfect is that we function really well as a couple and our relationship checks all the boxes. At least it does when we're together.. or used to. I don't know if I really believe in the idea of 'the one'. I think there are probably a lot of people out there that I could potentially fall in love with and spend my life with, but they're not him.
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 ...And he's not them. You've just said yourself that the boxes are being checked less and less...(I'm paraphrasing....) One day, does it not follow as things stand, that ultimately, no boxes will be checked? Want to drag it out that long, or do you think it would be best if you aired your concerns to him now, and sorted this out, now? Before complacency and 'settling' take root?
Author LoveBonnie Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 I think you basically just figured out what I've been trying to for weeks.. thanks. I think I'll talk it out with him when I see him next. It's going to be really scary.
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Don't be scared....It happens. Some things evolve and adapt, others don't. Don't beat yourself up about this. Chances are he's been wrestling with the same issue. Bringing it out into the open and discussing it will probably be the best thing you could do. However, one caveat: If he begins protesting and making excuses, and telling you it's going to be ok, it's natural for things like this to happen, and tries to persuade you to stick with it - ask him what he thinks you should both DO about it to save it? Because words are all well and good. But following through with committed action is different. And this - this - will tell if his heart's in it or not. Effort to actually make changes and work them actively. Actively.
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