Author Confused Lady Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 1. No, I'm not a troll. 2. Yes, I was kidding about contacting the exOW. 3. I wouldn't gain anything from "ratting" him out. 4. Yes, part of me lost my dignity and self-respect when I chose to have this affair.
seren Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Confused Lady 4. Yes, part of me lost my dignity and self-respect when I chose to have this affair If you can see this, can't you see that you are losing it even further by your continued obsession with the MM? So you are hurt, do you just want to spread the hurt? It sounds like MM was telling you he had no intention of the A being anything more than sex (sorry if this sounds harsh) and you were reading a relationship long term into it. It also sounds like you were living in la la land, seeing the A as a romantic thing while forgetting your other life as a MW. If you can see that the BS needs to know, why wouldn't you afford your H the same courtesy? Sounds like sour grapes and an unwillingness to look at yourself and your situation. It also sounds very immature and frankly selfish. I get that you are hurt and pissed off, perhaps you are beginning to see that you were used, but you have also used MM as an escape as have you used your H to maintain your real life. Whether BS's should be told or not it is for you to tell your MM, and I mean your H. Your telling the MM might prompt him to tell his BS. If OW had told me, I would have seen it as her trying to get revenge and sure as hell would've blown her right out of the water. As an aside to Just Joe, my H is military, 26 years military and I have seen him cry like a baby following his disclosure of the A, not for a once would I think him 'unmanly'. In fact it takes a very brave man (or woman) to admit his failings and allow himself to be seen as vulnerable. I am from a military family too, both parents, it is the ability to feel compassion for others that is the mark of a good person IMO, I have seen countless military hard men cry like babies and they just seemed far more heroic than those macho men you see around camp.
fooled once Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Snowflower, People don't usually try to punch me, it's not a good idea. I wasn't really dissing him, as much as I was shocked by his behavior. I've seen men act in strange ways in combat, but this is the first time I ever witnessed a man blubbering. I wasn't cruel to him (other than the obvious) and I had to calm him down, get him a cup of tea, and listen to his interminable whining. If that's the way he acts around his W, it's no wonder she cheated. I simply can't understand the "doormat", mentality. I mean this guy is rich with a capital "R", he is wealthier than most small countries. So now he's back together with her, he bought her a condo in Cabo, and a bunch of other stuff, and she's still calling, e-mailing me to get back together. In this instance, the only persons to benefit from telling was the WS, (she got lots of new stuff), and the BS (he gets his cheating wife back). I got ****. WOW Just because he didn't act the way you think he should doesn't mean he is a doormat or he deserved what happened to him. The 'woman' you were screwing was no prize, obviously. Go ahead and get back with her....I am just shocked at how you deem his reaction to his wife screwing another man and all that you told him as not appropriate enough for you. We are all different and feel different things and behave different ways. He is obviously a man of deep love, deep commitment and deep compassion. You totally blew his world apart. Yet, for you, he wasn't a man enough and if he acts this way, he deserved to be cheated on? Wow, just wow. Why don't you forward him the emails from her? Maybe she ONCE AGAIN lied to him, told him you meant nothing but a screw and she never felt anything for you? Maybe she manipulated him (again - she seems very good at this role) and he fell for her lies? Maybe you two are meant for each other since it doesn't seem like either of you have compassion or kindness in you? Wow....
White Flower Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 . ....... Thanks White Flower, that's pretty much the way I felt. You are welcome Joe.
Fallen Angel Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Yes, I'm still pissed and hurt. I wasn't going to tell his wife about us, I was going to tell her about him and the new OW (which she suspects anyway) Why would you out his affair with someone else and keep your own a secret? Is his affair with his new OW somehow more damaging to his wife than his affair with you? I am a bit curious if the reason you are so pissedoff about it is that he seems to have a connection with the new OW that you were unable to achieve with him? (I really just wanted to make the puking face at this whole comment, but LS requires that I type something more. UGH... this has got to be one of the most repugnant posts ever. Truly pathetic!)
White Flower Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Why would you out his affair with someone else and keep your own a secret? Is his affair with his new OW somehow more damaging to his wife than his affair with you? I am a bit curious if the reason you are so pissedoff about it is that he seems to have a connection with the new OW that you were unable to achieve with him? (I really just wanted to make the puking face at this whole comment, but LS requires that I type something more. UGH... this has got to be one of the most repugnant posts ever. Truly pathetic!) You know, I have to admit something. When I first found out my guy was serial I wanted to THRASH him silly and tell them ALL. But then I cooled down and took a real hard look at it. Confused Lady, you are just that-confused...and hurt. Cool off and look at this. The new OW could be you and you could be her. She could have been first and you second. Would you want her outing you? Love is funny, isn't it? We somehow feel that we are owed something when someone loves us but if we truly love them we wouldn't demand what we expect, right? We would want them to exercise with free will those expectations. The new OW is no better or worse than you, he is just into her now sadly. I'm so so sorry but you need to get over this. Walk away with your head held high and let him KNOW that you're a big girl who can take this standing up. Hugs.
JustJoe Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 (edited) Fooled Once and Seren, Go ahead, tie me to the stake and get the gasoline out. FWIW, I gave him everything he asked for. I would have shown him e-mails, letters (she wrote me every day when I was deployed) and volunteered any info he needed. He just said tha t it was "in the past", and that he would forgive her, NO MATTER HOW MANY MEN THERE WERE. He isn't a doormat, because he cried, he's a doormat because he has never acted like a man to her, every time she left him, he would beg her to come back and buy her some rich " reward", if she did. To me, she was a radiant, kind, passionate, loving woman, to him she was a lying, manipulating, cruel, cheating bitch, and he would always come back for more. She told me ONE TIME that she was leaving me, and I told her that I would have her replacement in bed in less than an hour, she never dissed me again. I do understand love, but I don't understand groveling. I think he is a masochist. But this is way off-topic, and I apologize CL. I'm just responding to all of the criticism, in self defence. Edited April 1, 2010 by JustJoe
JustJoe Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Confused, You must do what you think best. If you are going to disclose the new affair of your MM, be sure that you also disclose your own affair with him. If not, say nothing to nobody. I NEVER lied to my MW'S H, I never evaded, I never IN ANY WAY, attempted to deceive anyone, plus I'm the only one to end the affair yet I've been stoned, bashed, disrespected and vilified. I'm done with this thread.
bittersweet memories Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 but it wasn't. in the end, the cheating wife didn't want the OM. So he feels the need to slam the husband out of frustration. BINGO..thats exactly it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 It was strictly for sex. (He had had a previous affair too) he told me he didn't feel the same. I found out he had an account on the AM site. (So obviously he still wanted an affair.) she'd love to sleep with him. she was there. she didn't want me there. (They were alone) The tension was so thick, you could've cut it with a knife. It seems pretty clear to me. He is a serial cheater who moved on from you to someone else. He'll move on from her to someone else eventually. I'm not certain why this surprises you or why you doubt it. You knew going into it that he is a serial cheater, and even saw evidence of that when you were with him. People like that don't change mid-affair. Trust me on that one. My gut told me that something was going on between them. (She denies it as does he) What do you think? Should I listen to my gut? Just a gut feeling? Really? This is a guy who is wide open to extramarital sex without strings, and there is a new woman expressing an interest to sleep with him. Do you really think either of them would stop for your sake or anyone else's? Do you honestly think either of them would tell you the truth? You represent a threat to what they have going on. Did you and he stop for anyone else's sake? Did you and he lie and deny? Why would you expect the behavior to be different with anyone else? As for outing him, you can do it if you want. I doubt his wife will be hearing anything she doesn't already know or at least suspect. Their marriage is likely stronger than the infidelity, and has a basis for longevity that isn't based squarely on "being faithful". You'd be surprised how many people stay married even knowing about stuff like this.
Author Confused Lady Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 White Flower and Just Joe: I just want to say thank you both for your support and understanding. It helps to have people know what I'm going through. Yes WF, I am hurt and and mad at the same time, but I know I have to get over it. I start IC next week. JJ, thanks for caring. While I don't understand why you're upset he cried, I admire you being honest about everything. Lucrezia, I know they're not going to tell me the truth. If he didn't tell her about us, obviously he not going to tell me about them, I get it. And no, his marriage isn't stronger. They're heading toward a divorce.
spriggig Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Fooled Once and Seren, Go ahead, tie me to the stake and get the gasoline out. FWIW, I gave him everything he asked for. I would have shown him e-mails, letters (she wrote me every day when I was deployed) and volunteered any info he needed. He just said tha t it was "in the past", and that he would forgive her, NO MATTER HOW MANY MEN THERE WERE. He isn't a doormat, because he cried, he's a doormat because he has never acted like a man to her, every time she left him, he would beg her to come back and buy her some rich " reward", if she did. To me, she was a radiant, kind, passionate, loving woman, to him she was a lying, manipulating, cruel, cheating bitch, and he would always come back for more. She told me ONE TIME that she was leaving me, and I told her that I would have her replacement in bed in less than an hour, she never dissed me again. I do understand love, but I don't understand groveling. I think he is a masochist. But this is way off-topic, and I apologize CL. I'm just responding to all of the criticism, in self defence. JustJoe's posts have helped me, as a BS, get closer to the middle of the road. Thanks JustJoe.
JustJoe Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Sprig, I appreciate that. People have been hanging me out to dry for a while. I 'm just trying to deal with my own issues, and there's not a lot of sympathetic ears for the OM.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Snowflower, People don't usually try to punch me, it's not a good idea. oh brother:rolleyes:
2sunny Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Snowflower, People don't usually try to punch me, it's not a good idea. I wasn't really dissing him, as much as I was shocked by his behavior. I've seen men act in strange ways in combat, but this is the first time I ever witnessed a man blubbering. I wasn't cruel to him (other than the obvious) and I had to calm him down, get him a cup of tea, and listen to his interminable whining. If that's the way he acts around his W, it's no wonder she cheated. I simply can't understand the "doormat", mentality. I mean this guy is rich with a capital "R", he is wealthier than most small countries. So now he's back together with her, he bought her a condo in Cabo, and a bunch of other stuff, and she's still calling, e-mailing me to get back together. In this instance, the only persons to benefit from telling was the WS, (she got lots of new stuff), and the BS (he gets his cheating wife back). I got ****. all you did was reveal the truth to him... your perspective. i'm sure what he heard was that his W is completely capable of covering up her truth. that's hard for anyone to hear. what he did with it after that is to try to make it better the obvious way he knows how... to buy her more stuff so that she will love him more. it may be that is his way of showing love. sad - really - but probably true... and most likely why she seeks intimacy elsewhere... he may not be capable of what she needs.
2sunny Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Sprig, I appreciate that. People have been hanging me out to dry for a while. I 'm just trying to deal with my own issues, and there's not a lot of sympathetic ears for the OM. for that to happen - YOU need to be a willing participant. you were. only YOU can make that look different now by setting a new standard that says you are unwilling to participate any longer.
bittersweet memories Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Fooled Once and Seren, Go ahead, tie me to the stake and get the gasoline out. FWIW, I gave him everything he asked for. I would have shown him e-mails, letters (she wrote me every day when I was deployed) and volunteered any info he needed. He just said tha t it was "in the past", and that he would forgive her, NO MATTER HOW MANY MEN THERE WERE. He isn't a doormat, because he cried, he's a doormat because he has never acted like a man to her, every time she left him, he would beg her to come back and buy her some rich " reward", if she did. To me, she was a radiant, kind, passionate, loving woman, to him she was a lying, manipulating, cruel, cheating bitch, and he would always come back for more. She told me ONE TIME that she was leaving me, and I told her that I would have her replacement in bed in less than an hour, she never dissed me again. I do understand love, but I don't understand groveling. I think he is a masochist. But this is way off-topic, and I apologize CL. I'm just responding to all of the criticism, in self defence. And how do you know this? Because she told you...What a joke!!
JustJoe Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 No,BM, HE told me. She continued to diss him as usual.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Not trying to be mean here, this is a general statement: It's hard to be symathetic/empathetic towards someone who shows no sympathy/empathy towards others. EXACTLY!!! this deserved a bump
bittersweet memories Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Not trying to be mean here, this is a general statement: It's hard to be symathetic/empathetic towards someone who shows no sympathy/empathy towards others. I 2nd that!!
Dexter Morgan Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Dexter, did you ever serve in the AF.? ?? what is this constant need to remind people that you are in the military? WE GET IT!!! btw, no, never served in the AF, whats your point? If the point is that your military training makes you a badass.....sorry, as much respect as I have for our soldiers, I'm not impressed with the macho badass routine. I could outline my 20 years of other training, but whats the point other than to brag......as you have obiously done.
JustJoe Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Jthorne, why should I be sympathetic to the MM? All He knows is to BUY, He bought her and that's how he keeps her. Maybe if he was a husband instead of an owner, I would be more sympathetic, besides if he needs sympathy, he can buy all he wants.
2sunny Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 for that to happen - YOU need to be a willing participant. you were. only YOU can make that look different now by setting a new standard that says you are unwilling to participate any longer. and i repeat... she can be bought - she has proved it. she makes it ok by letting him buy her love. she is a woman who shows you by her actions that in order to love her (or should i say HAVE her) you must buy her more stuff than her husband does. are you willing to play that game of so called love?
JustJoe Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Jthorne, No I'm not willing. That is another reason I ended it. As far as money goes, I'm not in his league.
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