threebyfate Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Most people don't change, and if someone told me they cheated at 16 it's ENTIRELY different than cheating in your mid 20's. Nor did I say it was okay that I did it, but when you date for six months and refuse sex...Then why did you continue dating her, if sex was so important to you? To say that someone else is responsible for your own actions, means that other people have full control over you and in some way, mind control you. As for saying that other cheaters can't change but I can and did, is an irrational statement. Also, why are you attracted to solely cheaters? Something else to consider, from the perspective of normal behaviours.
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I didn't get that from his post. He was 16. He made mistakes. He's older now & understands how wrong he was & wouldn't do it again & expects his partner not to cheat either. I don't see the problem.Here's my opinion. Anyone who rationalizes their cheating as being someone else's fault, is going to cheat again, since they used lies and deception, as acceptable coping tools to get their own needs met. No one forced him by gunpoint or mind controlled him to cheat. And then, to suggest that the girls he personally targets are abnormal, since they've all cheated, is irrational and hypocritical.
Author Engadget Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Here's my opinion. Anyone who rationalizes their cheating as being someone else's fault, is going to cheat again, since they used lies and deception, as acceptable coping tools to get their own needs met. No one forced him by gunpoint or mind controlled him to cheat. And then, to suggest that the girls he personally targets are abnormal, since they've all cheated, is irrational and hypocritical. Is this a joke? I'm not rationalizing the one time I cheated, I'm explaining why I did it. Nor did I say it was someone else's fault. Nor am I going to cheat again, it's been 9 years since, and it hasn't happened. Also, never used lies or deception, told her right away. Never said girls I target are abnormal either, where are you getting this? Nothing you're saying is actually true. I didn't target these two girls, and only one of them is a cheater.
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Is this a joke? I'm not rationalizing the one time I cheated, I'm explaining why I did it. Nor did I say it was someone else's fault. Nor am I going to cheat again, it's been 9 years since, and it hasn't happened. Also, never used lies or deception, told her right away. Never said girls I target are abnormal either, where are you getting this? Nothing you're saying is actually true. I didn't target these two girls, and only one of them is a cheater. Below, are a couple of quotes. There are more. I'm no saint, I cheated once but I had a reason (even if it's not justified). I was 16 and it was my first girlfriend and we went 6 months without going past 2nd base. I wanted to get laid, and she had some sort of...I dunno, anxiety issue and some other things and never would. Between my ex, who cheated on me twice because she was unsure of her sexuality, to every single girl I meet...people have lost their minds.
Author Engadget Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Below, are a couple of quotes. There are more. I had a reason, as in I had a reason. Not I am rationalizing I had a reason. There's quite a difference there. And every single girl I meet has lost their minds. Not cheated. You read that incorrectly.
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I had a reason, as in I had a reason. Not I am rationalizing I had a reason. There's quite a difference there.A reason is a rationalization. "I cheated because she withheld sex for six months." It denotes a justification for cheating. And every single girl I meet has lost their minds. Not cheated. You read that incorrectly. Between my ex, who cheated on me twice because she was unsure of her sexuality, to every single girl I meet...people have lost their minds. Seriously. You don't have to be monogamous if you don't want to, that's quite alright. However if you're in a committed relationship, don't cheat. Here's the balance of the same post quoted, all sentences within the same paragraph. This usually means that the former sentences, relate to the latter sentences.
Author Engadget Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 A reason is a rationalization. "I cheated because she withheld sex for six months." It denotes a justification for cheating. Here's the balance of the same post quoted, all sentences within the same paragraph. This usually means that the former sentences, relate to the latter sentences. Hence why I said IT WAS NOT JUSTIFIED. Should I have used another word? I'm sick, so sorry I didn't use a word you wanted. "I did it for this reason", is that better? Furthermore my first relationship with a girl I don't even know why I dated was not a committed relationship as I'm describing it. So, that's enough. You're still wrong on everything you've said and you're derailing my thread, stop.
threebyfate Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I'm just illustrating how it's unreasonable to point the finger at "every single girl I meet" as being abnormal, when you're not exactly the epitome for normality.
Author Engadget Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 I'm just illustrating how it's unreasonable to point the finger at "every single girl I meet" as being abnormal, when you're not exactly the epitome for normality. Once again cheating at 16 when you're an immature kid isn't at all the same as cheating in your mid 20's. It's not even on the same planet. Also, falling in love with someone you met twice (and doing it over and over) is not normal.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Once again cheating at 16 when you're an immature kid isn't at all the same as cheating in your mid 20's. It's not even on the same planet. Also, falling in love with someone you met twice (and doing it over and over) is not normal.More justification for self, with no empathy for others, who've indulged in the same actions. If "every single girl you meet" is abnormal, even though some indulged in the same thing(s) you have, which you're pointing the blame finger at, I have to ask if it's a matter of gender, in general.
Woggle Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I am as much against cheaters as anybody else but cheating at age 16 is a sin that a person can change. I have done plenty of things that I regret. I sniffed coke once so does make me a hypcritical when I took issue with abusing hard drugs?
Author Engadget Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 More justification for self, with no empathy for others, who've indulged in the same actions. If "every single girl you meet" is abnormal, even though some indulged in the same thing(s) you have, which you're pointing the blame finger at, I have to ask if it's a matter of gender, in general. No it's not a matter of gender, it's a matter of age. How do you not get that? If you do something at age 10 and the same thing at age 40, the meanings can be very different. Doing something as a young, stupid hormonal teenager is not at all the same as doing it in your 20's, 30's, 40's and so on when you're a developed, more mature adult.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I am as much against cheaters as anybody else but cheating at age 16 is a sin that a person can change. I have done plenty of things that I regret. I sniffed coke once so does make me a hypcritical when I took issue with abusing hard drugs?If you believe that cheating at 16 is okay and a person can be changed, then what about cheating at 20 or 24? Are you aware that most peoples' brains aren't fully formed until age 25? Did you say that you sniffed coke because you were mad at your g/f, hence that was the reason you did it?
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 No it's not a matter of gender, it's a matter of age. How do you not get that? If you do something at age 10 and the same thing at age 40, the meanings can be very different. Doing something as a young, stupid hormonal teenager is not at all the same as doing it in your 20's, 30's, 40's and so on when you're a developed, more mature adult.Refer to my post to Woggle about the human brain not being completely formed until age 25. As well, there's no excuse for cheating at any age. It's time to accept responsibility for it, as well as consider giving some empathy to your fellow cheaters. Is cheating abnormal behaviour? If you say yes, then you also fall into the abnormal category. If you say no, then you have no right to point a finger at anyone else for cheating.
Woggle Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 If you believe that cheating at 16 is okay and a person can be changed, then what about cheating at 20 or 24? Are you aware that most peoples' brains aren't fully formed until age 25? Did you say that you sniffed coke because you were mad at your g/f, hence that was the reason you did it? I tried it at a house party because I was curious and I didn't like it. It was not to get back at anybody. I don't condone cheating but I do think a person who did something wrong years ago can change.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I tried it at a house party because I was curious and I didn't like it. It was not to get back at anybody. I don't condone cheating but I do think a person who did something wrong years ago can change.Well, if you apply your analogy, considering the OPs logic, this is the way it would sound: I sniffed coke because my girlfriend made me mad at her (a reason, not a justification). Do you see what I see with that statement? I'm not suggesting that people can't necessarily change. But in order to facilitate any change within a person, they need to get to the source of why they reacted a certain way. This includes accepting responsibility for their actions.
Author Engadget Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) Refer to my post to Woggle about the human brain not being completely formed until age 25. As well, there's no excuse for cheating at any age. It's time to accept responsibility for it, as well as consider giving some empathy to your fellow cheaters. Is cheating abnormal behaviour? If you say yes, then you also fall into the abnormal category. If you say no, then you have no right to point a finger at anyone else for cheating. You're wrong on everything you say. I fully accept responsibility for cheating then, where are you getting this? You're making assumptions with absolutely no basis in reality. I said WHY I cheated, not that it wasn't my fault, it was hers or anything like that. You just can't see past the word "reason" that I used, so you're playing semantics and nothing more. Are you also trying to say 1 year from full brain development is the same as almost 9? Bottom Line: Things you do in your mid teens are not at all the same as things you do as adult. That's all there is to it and you're just more wrong the more you argue against it. Edited March 31, 2010 by Engadget
Stung Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I had a reason, as in I had a reason. Not I am rationalizing I had a reason. There's quite a difference there. . No. I am with you in that someone who cheats once as a teen is not doomed to a lifetime of philandering, and I would be willing to believe you've changed and reprioritized, but...you are rationalizing. A horny teenager whose teenage girlfriend isn't ready for sex has no more valid 'reason' for cheating than a neglected, lonely housewife overwhelmed by drudgery or a man with a lackluster sex life away on a business trip with a sexy coworker or a young woman who is trying to leave her relationship and is too conflict-avoidant to figure out how better to do it or ANYONE ELSE who feels disconnected in whatever way from their committed partner. Admitting you were a horny, confused teenager, that you were selfish and that it was wrong, that to me would show that you were really owning your past. Admitting that you didn't have the tools to do what you should have, which is communicate or cut free, would show understanding and growth. But claiming that you 'had a reason' is a way of excusing and justifying yourself while actually putting the blame on this innocent kid from your past who never owed you sex in the first place. You had a reason to feel frustrated, you had a reason to feel unsatisfied, you had a reason to work on your understanding of your girlfriend OR to break up with her due to incompatability but you didn't have a reason to cheat on her. When you are married and your babies don't sleep through the night and your job is wearing you down and your wife is too exhausted for sex for a long stretch of time, will you feel you 'have a reason' then, too? What about when your parent dies and you are depressed, or your job transfers you and your marriage is suddenly a long-distance relationship for a whole year? What seems to be your current mode of thinking and blame assignation is legitimately worrisome because hey, life happens and when you finally find your 'normal' girl and settle down you will find out there IS NO happy-ever-after, there will always be bumps in the road. Yet no bump, howevermuch emotional upheaval it entails, is a 'reason' to cheat; they would hopefully be reasons to work on your commitment and communication, maybe seek counseling.
Author Engadget Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 No. I am with you in that someone who cheats once as a teen is not doomed to a lifetime of philandering, and I would be willing to believe you've changed and reprioritized, but...you are rationalizing. A horny teenager whose teenage girlfriend isn't ready for sex has no more valid 'reason' for cheating than a neglected, lonely housewife overwhelmed by drudgery or a man with a lackluster sex life away on a business trip with a sexy coworker or a young woman who is trying to leave her relationship and is too conflict-avoidant to figure out how better to do it or ANYONE ELSE who feels disconnected in whatever way from their committed partner. Admitting you were a horny, confused teenager, that you were selfish and that it was wrong, that to me would show that you were really owning your past. Admitting that you didn't have the tools to do what you should have, which is communicate or cut free, would show understanding and growth. But claiming that you 'had a reason' is a way of excusing and justifying yourself while actually putting the blame on this innocent kid from your past who never owed you sex in the first place. You had a reason to feel frustrated, you had a reason to feel unsatisfied, you had a reason to work on your understanding of your girlfriend OR to break up with her due to incompatability but you didn't have a reason to cheat on her. When you are married and your babies don't sleep through the night and your job is wearing you down and your wife is too exhausted for sex for a long stretch of time, will you feel you 'have a reason' then, too? What about when your parent dies and you are depressed, or your job transfers you and your marriage is suddenly a long-distance relationship for a whole year? What seems to be your current mode of thinking and blame assignation is legitimately worrisome because hey, life happens and when you finally find your 'normal' girl and settle down you will find out there IS NO happy-ever-after, there will always be bumps in the road. Yet no bump, howevermuch emotional upheaval it entails, is a 'reason' to cheat; they would hopefully be reasons to work on your commitment and communication, maybe seek counseling. This thread is just becoming frustrating, people aren't actually reading things. What I bolded I already said, by the way. Also said I wouldn't cheat again. Seek counseling? What?!?!?!? Once again, NOT rationalizing. What I did wasn't right (already said this) I was explaining WHY I did it, that's not rationalizing. Sorry I used the word "reason" which seems to be sending everyone into blind rants.
TheBigQuestion Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 There's a big difference between making an excuse and explaining what a person's rationale was for doing something AT THE TIME. The amount of accusatory nonsense going on in this thread is astounding.
troggleputty Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 There's a big difference between making an excuse and explaining what a person's rationale was for doing something AT THE TIME. The amount of accusatory nonsense going on in this thread is astounding. You do realize that's because most of the accusatory nonsense is being done by exactly the type of women OP is talking about?
Stung Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 This thread is just becoming frustrating, people aren't actually reading things. What I bolded I already said, by the way. Also said I wouldn't cheat again. Seek counseling? What?!?!?!? Once again, NOT rationalizing. What I did wasn't right (already said this) I was explaining WHY I did it, that's not rationalizing. Sorry I used the word "reason" which seems to be sending everyone into blind rants. Language is a tool absolutely essential for clear communication; you might want to get better at working with this tool if you are going to be offended by people responding to the actual words you choose to use. What YOU SAID was that you HAD A REASON to cheat; people have objected to this on perfectly valid grounds, that there is no valid reason to cheat and insistence that there is suggests rationalization. What I said about counseling pertained to a married couple hitting bumps in the road seeking counseling rather than feeling they had valid reason for cheating, you find this objectionable? Or you misread? People are repeating on a theme because you have been getting defensive and nothing seemed to be sinking in. Yes, you said you were a horny teenager who made a mistake, but you repeatedly undermined your own statement in the next breath. I for one have accused you of nothing other than not seeming to understand where someone could be legitimately concerned about your potential for continuous future fidelity given that you expressed you had justification for cheating at one point. If you don't feel you did have a reason to cheat, don't say you had a reason to cheat and then defend saying so to the death .
phineas Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 There's a big difference between making an excuse and explaining what a person's rationale was for doing something AT THE TIME. The amount of accusatory nonsense going on in this thread is astounding. I understood clearly what the OP said & meant. I see people pulling one or two words out of context & running a kangaroo court of sorts on him. doesn't make sense to me.
Author Engadget Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Language is a tool absolutely essential for clear communication; you might want to get better at working with this tool if you are going to be offended by people responding to the actual words you choose to use. What YOU SAID was that you HAD A REASON to cheat; people have objected to this on perfectly valid grounds, that there is no valid reason to cheat and insistence that there is suggests rationalization. What I said about counseling pertained to a married couple hitting bumps in the road seeking counseling rather than feeling they had valid reason for cheating, you find this objectionable? Or you misread? People are repeating on a theme because you have been getting defensive and nothing seemed to be sinking in. Yes, you said you were a horny teenager who made a mistake, but you repeatedly undermined your own statement in the next breath. I for one have accused you of nothing other than not seeming to understand where someone could be legitimately concerned about your potential for continuous future fidelity given that you expressed you had justification for cheating at one point. If you don't feel you did have a reason to cheat, don't say you had a reason to cheat and then defend saying so to the death . I'm defending it because people are attacking me with no basis. Once again saying I had a reason I was saying "WHY" it happened. "What was your reason for going to the store?" "To get some bread". Did not have justification, already stated the exact opposite. So knock it off.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Some quick judgements have been passed in this thread. Strange how the OP himself didn't like having quick judgements passed on himself and yet, every, single girl he's ever met, he's passed quick judgements on, considering them all abnormal, even one who has done the identical thing he's done. But he had a "reason" for doing what he did (no justification of course). I wonder if this girl also had a "reason" for doing what she did, without justification? Is it possible that people are multi-faceted and that it might take a bit more time to get to know them better? Food for thought. This kind of thing would make most individuals think twice about their own perspectives.
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