Rearden Metal Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 So you guys know I have had a relapse when stumbling upon my Ex's Twitter page (it's new, I didn't know she had it, and saw her feed on a friends wall). Ex's Nana is in the hospital. She's already had 3 heart attacks and a stroke. I know it's only a matter of (limited) time before she passes. Nana was nice to me, liked me. She liked feeding me and told me on two separate occasions privately that I was good for my Ex and she was happy I was there in her life. I liked her, too. She's a kind woman who looks after her family. Here's my hypothetical. Let's say Nana passes away. Then let's say Ex contacts me to alert me to this happening. I think there's a strong chance of this occurring. What do I do? I've not had active contact with Ex in 19 days. I've not spoken to her in 6.5weeks. To her, I've fallen off the planet. I would feel disgusting ignoring an email or text telling me this type of news. But is it the right thing to do, to ignore? Or do I say "Oh EX I'm so sorry for your loss. She was a great woman. I'll miss her too. Be well", and then resume NC? Let's hear it, Shakkers.
monkeymaid Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 u dont want her back, you dont talk... u know the correct response!! mourne the nanas death, but remain NC. just stay away. ...you owe the nana respect not your ex. ...no sorrys, no condolonces, nothing let her whither and die (...the ex)
Author Rearden Metal Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Ouch dude. Come back in the AM, tell me how you really feel!
deux ex machina Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 (edited) Personally, I'd contact her back out of respect for her Grandmother, who was good to you. I think it's the right thing to do. That's just me, though. Keep in mind I don't know the backstory, and that can make a big difference. Edited March 30, 2010 by deux ex machina
curiousnycgirl Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I see nothing wrong with responding with a sincere, "I am very sorry for your loss, Nana was a very special lady. If there is anything I can do for you, please do not hesitate to ask." IMHO there are times when we must step up to the plate from a social perspective - when someone loses loved one, that is one of those times.
twinklecat Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I'd reply out of respect of the Grandmother also. Situations like this, I couldn't be so cold as to ignore something like that. Just be careful though
ADF Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 The fact is, most people who make the decision to go NC are itching to rescind it. They hope for some reason--any reason--to be able to make contact again. They hope for this because deep down, they want to rekindle their former relationship. It is a shame this woman is near the end of her life. But it would be a bigger shame if her death became an occasion to try and start something again with your ex. If you do not respond to news of her death, it will make the NC that much more real and final. But don't be surprised if your ex doesn't inform you. If her grandmother is a sick as she says, she probably would have done so already if she were going to at all.
Author Rearden Metal Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 The fact is, most people who make the decision to go NC are itching to rescind it. They hope for some reason--any reason--to be able to make contact again. They hope for this because deep down, they want to rekindle their former relationship. It is a shame this woman is near the end of her life. But it would be a bigger shame if her death became an occasion to try and start something again with your ex. If you do not respond to news of her death, it will make the NC that much more real and final. But don't be surprised if your ex doesn't inform you. If her grandmother is a sick as she says, she probably would have done so already if she were going to at all. Firstly, I agree that many are itching to rescind NC. I'm not sure I'm one of them. I don't want to hear from my EX right now, under ANY circumstances. I'd ignore almost ANY contact. But the situation I've outlined is more than possible, and I think it's a chink in my armor. As an empathetic person, I'd be challenged very much not to respond with SOME level of condolence. I don't know how sick Nana is. All I've seen is, "my nana is in the hospital again" and "going to visit nana". This woman seems unkillable. It's possible she's already home. But it's also a very real possibility that she'll pass at any time.
confused_pjl Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 This happened to me before. Not with my recent Ex but the one before. Instead of contacting my Ex or replying I sent a Sympathy card to her parents.
Weird Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 If that woman passes away and your ex informs you then I'd say you reply back. It'd be a pretty douche thing to not reply back given someone is sending you that message at that time of loss. If anything, it shows the person is thinking about you in their time of sorrow....which is IMO a good thing. Now if she sends you a message and you reply and she uses this as her opening to attempt to start up communication again then obviously you'll have something to think about there and may want to ignore the reply or say you were simply replying only to express your condolences. Given my experience, if that happens where she replies to your reply I'd simply ignore it. Replying back would just make her think she has what she wants.
Author Rearden Metal Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 If that woman passes away and your ex informs you then I'd say you reply back. It'd be a pretty douche thing to not reply back given someone is sending you that message at that time of loss. If anything, it shows the person is thinking about you in their time of sorrow....which is IMO a good thing. Now if she sends you a message and you reply and she uses this as her opening to attempt to start up communication again then obviously you'll have something to think about there and may want to ignore the reply or say you were simply replying only to express your condolences. Given my experience, if that happens where she replies to your reply I'd simply ignore it. Replying back would just make her think she has what she wants. This is what I'm (hypothetically) worried about. pjl's response is probably correct. Sending flowers/card to her father would probably suffice.
DustySaltus Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 If you do not respond to news of her death, it will make the NC that much more real and final. But don't be surprised if your ex doesn't inform you. If her grandmother is a sick as she says, she probably would have done so already if she were going to at all. Completely agree with this. Say your own prayer for her grandmother. She knows that you care and this is something completely separate from your relationship with your ex.
kimflute26 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I would send a response.... But if she says anything AFTER that you can feel free to ignore it.
djentleman Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 This happened to me before. Not with my recent Ex but the one before. Instead of contacting my Ex or replying I sent a Sympathy card to her parents. I would have to agree — this is legit. This may be the best way to send condolences, yet remain NC with the ex.
Author Rearden Metal Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I would have to agree — this is legit. This may be the best way to send condolences, yet remain NC with the ex. I've settled on this as the answer. Now, I pray I don't have to actually do it. Hope Nana pulls through.
cmoney Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 New here, first time responding. I agree with the fact that you owe your respect to the grandmother, not your ex. In my humble opinion, IF the ex makes contacts, you can simply acknowledge the message, send your condolences, and your sympathy. Personally, offering "anything I can do" would be too much for me, but that is me. Emotions are not logical, as much as you love and respect the grandmother, I believe that you resent your ex. Understandable. Have you considered what you would do about the funeral?
Author Rearden Metal Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 New here, first time responding. I agree with the fact that you owe your respect to the grandmother, not your ex. In my humble opinion, IF the ex makes contacts, you can simply acknowledge the message, send your condolences, and your sympathy. Personally, offering "anything I can do" would be too much for me, but that is me. Emotions are not logical, as much as you love and respect the grandmother, I believe that you resent your ex. Understandable. Have you considered what you would do about the funeral? I can't imagine, at ALL, being invited to the funeral. I would never add "anything I can do"... I would likely not respond to the communication. I would, however, send a card, and possibly flowers. Her Nana was a sweet lady.
monkeymaid Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 whats happening rm, my words were harsh. ...my thoughts still stand though. ...nana deserves mass respect, your ex doesnt. ...the card idea is a good one. ...my opinion is that grieving a death is personal and its for you. ...if you choose to help support otyhers through it, then that makes you all that much better, but in the case of the ex, i think she should handle this one without so much as a peep from you. i experienced this before, and it was what rekindled the relationship with my now recent ex over a year ago. ....u know enough of my story that you can understand what might happen if you in any way try to help support your ex through this. cliffs of how a death broght us back together- 1. her sabba/grandpa died at 3 am 2. by 315am i was on the phone with my hysterical ex and trying to calm her down. 3. her and i ran the business together for a few weeks. 4. a few monrths of fun , sex, just hanging 5. the talk 6. happy couple 7. breakup done. ....and i had no intentions of getting back with her, we just cant be in the same zip code without pouncing on eachother.
Author Rearden Metal Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 whats happening rm, my words were harsh. ...my thoughts still stand though. ...nana deserves mass respect, your ex doesnt. ...the card idea is a good one. ...my opinion is that grieving a death is personal and its for you. ...if you choose to help support otyhers through it, then that makes you all that much better, but in the case of the ex, i think she should handle this one without so much as a peep from you. i experienced this before, and it was what rekindled the relationship with my now recent ex over a year ago. ....u know enough of my story that you can understand what might happen if you in any way try to help support your ex through this. cliffs of how a death broght us back together- 1. her sabba/grandpa died at 3 am 2. by 315am i was on the phone with my hysterical ex and trying to calm her down. 3. her and i ran the business together for a few weeks. 4. a few monrths of fun , sex, just hanging 5. the talk 6. happy couple 7. breakup done. ....and i had no intentions of getting back with her, we just cant be in the same zip code without pouncing on eachother. While there's definitely similarities, there's also differences. One, my EX is a mean, nasty bitch. Yours, not so much. Two, she's in a new relationship. She'll call him first. Then, when she's not satisfied that he cares enough or knows her well enough to care, she'll call me, because I know and love her Nana. I feel like it's courtesy to express sympathy, and it's my job to grieve on my own. I'm seeking the best way to do the former respectfully while doing the latter privately.
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