trueluV Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 i misposted this in someone else's thread so i'm taking it back and reposting it here. okay, i have a questions for guys: I know guys can have sex with girls they're not attracted to (girls somehow the same nowadays), but can guys be sweet and caring, in a non-sexual way, with a girl he is not attracted to or interested in? -can have a lot of/long sweet and passionate kiss, but not necessarily leads to sex, a lot of cuddling and holding, is this possible? of course guys will be sweet and can act sweet in order to have sex with the girl (if the girl is not his g.f.), but if the girl is not a g.f and you're not dating her, is it possible to be super sweet and caring to her in bed? or the guy has at least some feelings for her, or find her attractive? maybe an easy question for guys, but as a girl, i have absolutely no clue. I'll be interested to hear what you guys say, thanks
marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 -can have a lot of/long sweet and passionate kiss, but not necessarily leads to sex, a lot of cuddling and holding, is this possible? NOT in my experience. In my experience you should set up an electric fence around your genetalia unless it is celebrated, lucky day.
Rearden Metal Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 NOT in my experience. In my experience you should set up an electric fence around your genetalia unless it is celebrated, lucky day. Hahaha awesome. Sorry I'm following you around tonight. But you're in a mint of a mood and it's hard not to respond. Yeah, we guys can sex it up with very little to no emotion. But it's not gratifying, and it's not preferred. It gets old pretty fast.
Rearden Metal Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 also, marsle, try older guys. Just don't be surprised if we crack one off in the shower.
Lovelybird Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 (edited) A man can be very much passionate having sex with a prostitute or a totally stranger. Men's passionate sex doesn't mean they fall in love. Edited March 30, 2010 by Lovelybird
A O Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 okay, i have a questions for guys: can guys be sweet and caring, in a non-sexual way, with a girl he is not attracted to or interested in? Of course, that's what you call friendship. -can have a lot of/long sweet and passionate kiss, but not necessarily leads to sex, a lot of cuddling and holding, is this possible? Hard to do with someone we're not attracted to. Wouldn't do this with anyone other than someone I'm attracted to. but if the girl is not a g.f and you're not dating her, is it possible to be super sweet and caring to her in bed? or the guy has at least some feelings for her, or find her attractive? I've known opposite sex friends that have shared a bed together, but no hanky panky whatsoever from what I remember. .
cooldudeinberlin Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Nope, a man (and a woman) can not have sex with someone they arent attracted to... technically, they can, but choose not to do so... unless they are desperate and/or lonely... and in my opinion, then not really a man. Yes, both a man and woman can seperate sex and emotions... however, the emotion of attraction is there and can lead to slight satisfaction of the pseudo intimacy. We all know, being incredibley, magnetically attracted, mutual respect, high admiration, scintillated by every little thing the other does, feeling comfortable and relaxed around that person can lead to incredible emotions and incredible sex. But this doesnt happen everyday, obviously.
cooldudeinberlin Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Women can only begin to understand the male sex drive when they (the women) reach their 40s. Even the relatively high pre-menopausal female sex-drive is nothing compared the sex drive of men throughout their lives. Note: A male's sex drive tapers off very rapidly toward a woman after he's screwed her for awhile. We're talking about the sex drive of a man toward attractive NEW women. Nope, entirely not true... women's enhanced sex drive hit them in their late 20's through mid 30's... that is their peak... its biological... but during this phase they discover how to overcome a lot of insecurities and be more comfortable and relaxed about it all..... it takes men until they are in their 30's to even begin to understand the complexities of women's sexual desire and drive (which is as strong, if not more)... connect with a woman's mind, and you are that much closer to being a good lover.
cooldudeinberlin Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 citation? You want me to put a citation with my signature? Huh? or do you mean you want some proof, other than my extensive experience? actually this is quite common knowledge that >28, 29, 30 is when women's sexual light switch is suddenly flipped. This is nothing new.
cooldudeinberlin Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Are you really stating that is is a healthy, natural, safe thing for a woman at 40 to be considering having a child? Yes, its not uncommon... but the medical community at large warns against it or at least makes cautionary discretions about the inability to carry a healthy pregnancy... miscarriage at this age and on up are very common, which can also impact the overall health of the woman. Women's sexual peak generally begins around 30 and continues on up... interesting article that supports some common thinking, whilst dispelling a few common myths... http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15991670/
MalachiX Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I don't think anyone can speak for the male gender as a whole. I've known some guys who could be totally un-emotional about sex and others who fall in love with anyone they sleep with. Personally, I have been unable to have sex with someone I didn't have at least SOME romantic feelings for. Lord knows I've tried but it always goes wrong. Making out isn't an issue but as things get more physical, it gets less comfortable. My biggest issue is that most women start to act a bit affectionate as close start to come off and this makes me feel bad if I have no romantic interest in a woman. I've tried to push forward but always somehow mess it up or get uncomfortable. THAT SAID, I've noticed that I have ending up acting way more affectionate then I really feel toward a woman during and after sex. In other words, I may be dating someone and I legitimatly enjoy their company but don't really see myself falling deeply in love with them or expect the relationship to last very long. Once we get in the act however, I can't help but start acting way more emotional. This persists afterwards and, I can't help but notice I seem to be acting like I'm terribly in love with this person even though we're really still very early and unsure in the relationship. Part of the problem is I just LOVE cuddling (don't judge). I assume that some guys are the same way but to a greater extent and can be totally affectionate even if they feel nothing.
aroll32 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I don't think anyone can speak for the male gender as a whole. I've known some guys who could be totally un-emotional about sex and others who fall in love with anyone they sleep with. Personally, I have been unable to have sex with someone I didn't have at least SOME romantic feelings for. Lord knows I've tried but it always goes wrong. Making out isn't an issue but as things get more physical, it gets less comfortable. My biggest issue is that most women start to act a bit affectionate as close start to come off and this makes me feel bad if I have no romantic interest in a woman. I've tried to push forward but always somehow mess it up or get uncomfortable. THAT SAID, I've noticed that I have ending up acting way more affectionate then I really feel toward a woman during and after sex. In other words, I may be dating someone and I legitimatly enjoy their company but don't really see myself falling deeply in love with them or expect the relationship to last very long. Once we get in the act however, I can't help but start acting way more emotional. This persists afterwards and, I can't help but notice I seem to be acting like I'm terribly in love with this person even though we're really still very early and unsure in the relationship. Part of the problem is I just LOVE cuddling (don't judge). I assume that some guys are the same way but to a greater extent and can be totally affectionate even if they feel nothing. Very very true. Although I have had sex with someone who I didn't have that true romantic feeling towards them. Sure there was some physical attraction, but overall it was just the horniness in me that took over. And as for what you said about cuddling, I recently found that I really like it as well. Only with someone that I have genuine feelings for, which was probably why I only recently just found that out. So yeah, I would agree that some men can separate emotions from sex, but the problem is whether or not they CHOOSE to or WANT to. As for me, I have no problem doing this. There are some girls that I could just lay in bed with and talk for hours. I have done this before and had no problem doing it, even though there was no sex at all. But then there are some that I couldn't just sit there and talk to, I would have to get something out of it. I guess it all just depends on who you are and who the other person is
MalachiX Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Very very true. Although I have had sex with someone who I didn't have that true romantic feeling towards them. Sure there was some physical attraction, but overall it was just the horniness in me that took over. You're a better man than I. Last time that happened with me, there was just something about the way the girl started to squeeze me and look at me that said, "you like me don't you?" And yes, I liked her as a friend but there was a vunerability she was showing that kind of worried me. I kept hesitating at points and, of course, it killed the mood. It's funny how easily you can halt the chemistry with just a moment of awkwardness. The thing is that this was a girl who I know had had one night stands before. I guess I kind of figured that was the way she always got before she slept with a guy and was always disapointed. I got the impression that she was always somehow seeking a real emotional connection and got hurt every time it turned out to be just sex. It's moments like this that I hate it when guys use the word "slut." It's just so de-humanizing. Like someone turns into a slab of meat not worthy of any consideration because she's had a few partners. I think casual sex makes perfect sense in theory but I think both people have to understand what they're getting into. When one person is looking for more but they're doing it because they hope the other will change their mind, that's no longer casual. That's a lie, even if they won't admit it to themselves, and it just doesn't feel right. Even though I'm usually starved for sex, it bothers me to the point of not being able to go further even though I very much want to.
Author trueluV Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Thanks for your thoughts, guys it's very interesting to hear the real answers from men with their logic behind it. I asked this question because i am somewhat stuck with a friend who i have romantic feelings for. we've been good friends for a few years now but have hooked up twice, and obviously i started having feelings for him from the early days i've known him. I know he cares about me as a friend, but a part of me wants him to feel the same way i do for him, so when he was so sweet and cuddly in bed with me, i was wondering if there's a possibility of him wanting more with me, or was it just a 'hormonal urge' thing. i don't want to give him pressure so i don't want to be verbal about this to him. but at the same time i'd like to know how guys in general would view this.
lofi_tokyo Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Part of the problem is I just LOVE cuddling (don't judge). Me too Malachi! Let's have a cuddle sesh.
aroll32 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Thanks for your thoughts, guys it's very interesting to hear the real answers from men with their logic behind it. I asked this question because i am somewhat stuck with a friend who i have romantic feelings for. we've been good friends for a few years now but have hooked up twice, and obviously i started having feelings for him from the early days i've known him. I know he cares about me as a friend, but a part of me wants him to feel the same way i do for him, so when he was so sweet and cuddly in bed with me, i was wondering if there's a possibility of him wanting more with me, or was it just a 'hormonal urge' thing. i don't want to give him pressure so i don't want to be verbal about this to him. but at the same time i'd like to know how guys in general would view this. Ah, if he's "sweet and cuddly" in bed, then he could quite possibly have romantic feelings. I know that if I didn't have those feelings, I couldn't do that. Like Malachi said, it will get to a point where it's awkward if one person doesn't have the same feelings. I did say that I could have sex without romantic feelings, but if the girl had them, it would probably end up the way Malachi described his experiences, to where the chemistry breaks and you can't seem to get back to where it was before. I'm not as experienced in these types of situations, although I do know a couple of friends that are. It would be interesting to hear what they have to say about this. But keep in mind that deep down, every man has the capability of having true genuine feelings towards someone. I've seen it happen to 2 of my player friends and they ended up getting crushed. Oh well, life goes on. It's just tough to realize if you're one of those girls that he has the feelings for. I think it's quite obvious when I have genuine feelings, but who knows, I can't see myself from an objective point of view until after the situation has passed. .
Author trueluV Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Ah, if he's "sweet and cuddly" in bed, then he could quite possibly have romantic feelings. I know that if I didn't have those feelings, I couldn't do that. . Thanks for your feedback. Exactly, as you've mentioned above, I feel he has feelings for me when i'm in bed with him, but then again we're "supposed to be" friends, so when we meet again there's nothing physical unless i am in bed with him again, and till then we are like just friends. there's no balance, but i guess what he and i and i are doing is not something so normal for friends either. Last time, 2 years ago when we hooked up, he told me he isn't ready for a girlfriend and doesn't want pressure from a girl, (but even before it happened, since he was my friend, i knew he didn't want a girlfriend). he didn't tell me it's me in particular, but still i felt rejected and closed my heart to him and stopped talking to him for 2 years. (though he contacted me a few times in between, i ignored everything) and now, 2 years later, we met again, and he is so sweet with me again in bed, i am a bit frustrated if this is nothing but a guy's hormonal urge. he hasn't told me about the girlfriend thing yet, but mentioned he doesn't like pressure from a girl. i don't think i give him any kind of pressure now, from what i know, and i am mature than 2 years ago, i know i won't make the same mistake again. i just wish the sweetness he showed me was genuine. though i don't know how to progress this situation even if it was... we made a plan to meet up this week again. i am thinking to not mention the "night" but to just act like friends again. (unless he makes a move) i like him a lot to the point, i'd rather stay friends with him then losing him.
paperchase Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I can have sex with a total stranger and if there is sexual chemistry the sex can be good, but I am a way better lover when I have an emotional connection. I have way more stamina and a much greater desire to climax more than once. I recently got dumped and have had sex with my ex after the fact. Both times were very tough for me. I am attracted to her like crazy, but the arousal wasn't there because my heart is so heavy. This is very uncharacteristic. She's never seen it and did not appreciate it. So I guess I can not separate feeling from sex when it comes to someone I love.
aroll32 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Thanks for your feedback. Exactly, as you've mentioned above, I feel he has feelings for me when i'm in bed with him, but then again we're "supposed to be" friends, so when we meet again there's nothing physical unless i am in bed with him again, and till then we are like just friends. there's no balance, but i guess what he and i and i are doing is not something so normal for friends either. Last time, 2 years ago when we hooked up, he told me he isn't ready for a girlfriend and doesn't want pressure from a girl, (but even before it happened, since he was my friend, i knew he didn't want a girlfriend). he didn't tell me it's me in particular, but still i felt rejected and closed my heart to him and stopped talking to him for 2 years. (though he contacted me a few times in between, i ignored everything) and now, 2 years later, we met again, and he is so sweet with me again in bed, i am a bit frustrated if this is nothing but a guy's hormonal urge. he hasn't told me about the girlfriend thing yet, but mentioned he doesn't like pressure from a girl. i don't think i give him any kind of pressure now, from what i know, and i am mature than 2 years ago, i know i won't make the same mistake again. i just wish the sweetness he showed me was genuine. though i don't know how to progress this situation even if it was... we made a plan to meet up this week again. i am thinking to not mention the "night" but to just act like friends again. (unless he makes a move) i like him a lot to the point, i'd rather stay friends with him then losing him. Hmm, it is impossible to know what is going through his head and what he feels and thinks about this situation. And when you said he doesn't act physical unless you guys are in bed, you mean he doesn't flirt or kiss you sometimes when you are together? That's a sign to me. Let me tell you what I think about that. When I like a girl, genuinely like her that is, I always make physical connection no matter where we are. If we're in a bar, I'll walk up and put my arm around her or something. When one of us arrives or leaves, I make sure I kiss her, even if its a little peck or something. But then again, when I was dating a girl that I really really liked a couple months ago, I got to a bar where she was at with a bunch of our mutual friends, and when she tapped me on the shoulder I kind of freaked and gave her a kiss on the cheek. I don't really know why. We had kissed a bunch before this but mainly when we were by ourselves. It may have been because she was sitting at a table with a bunch of friends. My point is though that if he really liked you and had genuine feelings, he would probably be showing you more affection when you both are out or something. There is a chance that he may be scared or nervous about doing this since he basically told you off a while ago. But then again, maybe not. Just go with your gut on this one. I personally think he would be showing you more attention than just friends do when he isn't in bed with you if he had true feelings. But then again I haven't witnessed it first hand. Hope this helps, good luck
Author trueluV Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 My point is though that if he really liked you and had genuine feelings, he would probably be showing you more affection when you both are out or something. There is a chance that he may be scared or nervous about doing this since he basically told you off a while ago. But then again, maybe not. Just go with your gut on this one. I personally think he would be showing you more attention than just friends do when he isn't in bed with you if he had true feelings. But then again I haven't witnessed it first hand. Hope this helps, good luck Thank you so much for your sincere feedback, aroll32, i really -really- appreciate it. It makes so much sense to me and helps me see my situation better. Thanks again well, as you've said, about showing more affection other than in bed, after the 2 years gap, we only met up once which was last week, so i don't know if he will or will not. i don't know if this counts (but i want to spare the details to you since you seem to analyze things so well) but last week when i met him in two years, after having a 5 hour talk (at a bar/restaurant), i went to his place and fast forwarding to the next morning, he was still very sweet (or maybe it was just me feeling it) cuddling with me and holding my hand (holding my hand-finger to finger-throughout the whole night/sleep, till morning, kissing my forehead, bringing water to me, and even i felt hot in his room i didn't use the blanket but he kept giving it to me and telling me "still" use it. and i had to wake up earlier than him to go to work, he set his alarm ahead to wake me up. i don't know if these things are considered pretty normal, but i thought it was so sweet and caring. and when i was leaving, he gave me a big warm hug. Maybe i am overanalyzing it and seeing things through rose-colored glasses. what are your thoughts? thanks in advance.
craw Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 sorry to be blunt, but yes men can separate emotions n sex. ditch the guy, if he truly is a good friend, he wouldn't be dicking around on you like this. well wait at least until you have gotten rid of all feelings for him, if you really want to stay friends.
MalachiX Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 You may be seeing things through rose colored glasses. Remember also that he may LOVE you as a friend and LOVE having sex with you but not LOVE you as a romantic partner. I think that can be a big part of the reason why I, an I'm sure others, can be more mushy physically with someone than we are mentally. I'm, of course, way more physically affectionate with my female friends than my guy friends, even though they're all in other committed relationships. We hug and some-times even snuggle on a couch or something. The affection I feel for them is not really what I'd feel for someone I was in love with but it's still an affection I like to express physically. One really telling thing about your last post is how you mentioned all the stuff is not in public. Personally, being really affectionate in public is something which indicates I'm really feeling in-tune and committed to a person as a partner. When alone and talking, I'm all about holding their hands, laying my head in her lap, and kissing her forehead because it's just us and we, alone, are enjoying the interaction. When other people are around, it feels like such displays are more of a statement. It's like we're so strong in our feelings that we're showing the world. I know this may make me sound like a creep but I'm VERY reticent to hold someone's hand in public who I'm not really in love with more committed to. Me too Malachi! Let's have a cuddle sesh. Deal. Just bring some pepper spray in case I lose control and start groping you. There's a reason why cuddling is always easier AFTER sex.
aroll32 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Thank you so much for your sincere feedback, aroll32, i really -really- appreciate it. It makes so much sense to me and helps me see my situation better. Thanks again You're very welcome, I'm glad my advice has helped you see the situation through. Granted, it is all from my personal experience. But from your last post, it does look like he's pretty interested. I wouldn't have done half those things for a girl I didn't like that much and just wanted to sleep with. That may be just me though. You may be seeing things through rose colored glasses. Remember also that he may LOVE you as a friend and LOVE having sex with you but not LOVE you as a romantic partner. I think that can be a big part of the reason why I, an I'm sure others, can be more mushy physically with someone than we are mentally. I'm, of course, way more physically affectionate with my female friends than my guy friends, even though they're all in other committed relationships. We hug and some-times even snuggle on a couch or something. The affection I feel for them is not really what I'd feel for someone I was in love with but it's still an affection I like to express physically. One really telling thing about your last post is how you mentioned all the stuff is not in public. Personally, being really affectionate in public is something which indicates I'm really feeling in-tune and committed to a person as a partner. When alone and talking, I'm all about holding their hands, laying my head in her lap, and kissing her forehead because it's just us and we, alone, are enjoying the interaction. When other people are around, it feels like such displays are more of a statement. It's like we're so strong in our feelings that we're showing the world. I know this may make me sound like a creep but I'm VERY reticent to hold someone's hand in public who I'm not really in love with more committed to. This is spot on, well done Malachi. Well, at least it's spot on with what I think haha. But I do have to say that I would never spend the night in bed with someone acting as he did if I didn't like them more than a friend. But, he may be like Malachi, that he's more romantic physically than mentally. I'm interested to see what he's going to be like next time you meet up with him. If you really want to find out, suggest a place where a bunch of mutual friends are going. That's how you can REALLY tell. If I don't want anyone to know I've hooked up with a girl, she's not going to get the same attention from me when I see her in front of other people. Of course it means that I probably wouldn't be hooking up with her anytime soon. Yeah, it's pretty cold, but it's completely upfront in my eyes. This doesn't mean I'm not going to talk to her and be friends (keep that in mind) but I definitely won't be showing any affection at all. A girl who was in my interest, there would definitely be affection no matter where we are. Just because I couldn't help myself, and I feel that she likes me too. And also, I would not be blowing her off. I find that if someone says they are busy or they want to hang out and don't follow through more than once, they are absolutely blowing you off.. I have to admit that I jokingly flirt and make physical connection with girls I am pretty good friends with. Again, it is all in a joking manner and I'm sure the girls know it is too. But don't think this isn't the case. When I make physical contact and flirt with someone I like or am attracted to, it's completely different. It's a lot more affectionate, more gentle and sensual. For example just holding the girl by her waist while standing next to each other, holding her standing face to face (this might be my favorite, I'm pretty tall and when a girl looks up at me with those eyes, wow, I could stare into those for HOURS). I'm making a generalization about the girls, because the ones I have genuine feelings for have always seemed to have the same eyes: big, blue, beautiful eyes. The last girl I dated made my heart POUND when she would look up at me with those eyes. That was a pretty gay sentence but oh well, us guys have feelings too ya know. I hate being so vulnerable to getting hurt and confused by girls I really like.
bac Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 but can guys be sweet and caring, in a non-sexual way, with a girl he is not attracted to or interested in? I am a woman but I tell from my dating experiences. Sure, if a man is a player, he will be super sweet and caring untill he is done with you. -can have a lot of/long sweet and passionate kiss, but not necessarily leads to sex, a lot of cuddling and holding, is this possible? Sure. Some men are very passionate for ONS or short-term stuff like that because it is a major turn on for them. Is it possible to be super sweet and caring to her in bed? or the guy has at least some feelings for her, or find her attractive? Sure, for some men, the less feelings he has, the bigger sexual attraction. Men have feelings vs. sex drive for girls in a totally different way than girls do. Men have sex drive and it has nothing to do with feelings. Girls have feelings and the feelings produce about 50-100% of their sex drive.
Author trueluV Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 so, i just met "my friend" tonight. he texted me and called me so we went to have dinner, and went to a bar afterwards. he walked me home (we live in nyc) instead of taking me to his place tonight. i was a bit disappointed since i expected to be physical with him (because i like him a lot) but he just walked me home and gave me a big warm hug. i don't know if this is good or bad, but he didn't have physical desire for me for sure, since i was right there, and he could have me if he wanted to. as i said, we had dinner, and drinks, talked a lot, almost 5 hours today too. he likes me as a friend for sure, and cares about me, and we have a lot of interesting conversations related to our career (we're both designers). he's sweeter than a normal guy friend for sure, but i don't think he wants something more with me now. that's what i felt. maybe unless he can't control it. but i think he's pretty good at setting his path and goals and has a firm mind, so i don't think things will progress or develop so easily, unless he's head over heals for me, but obviously, like today even he had a chance to take me to his place, he took me home, so i don't think it's going to happen so easily. i like him more and more and can feel my heart growing for him as i meet him, but i'm also afraid to be left with a broken heart all of a sudden still so confused... how should i take the next step?
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