I really dont understand

[confusingsituation]

To start, a little bit of background.... I had been with my fiance for 2.5 years. We had been living together for about 18 months.

 

I know this is going to sound so unbelievable, but we never faught, were completely in-synch with eachother and wanted the same things from life. Our families loved eachother, we were always laughing and both said e just knew that eachother was 'the one'. We are both 28 years old.

 

6 months ago, after a blissful nearly 2 year courtship he proposed to me. My faher said when he came into his office to ask for my hand he couldnt stop gushing about how utterly wonderful I was. Of course I said yes, I was over the moon with happiness, and everything just felt right. It felt like I didnt have to compromise on anything in this relationship as we were so in synch with eachother.

 

He proposed very romantically and we go straight down to planning the wedding. I wanted to delay it a bit, and he said no he wanted to pull it forward because he just couldnt wait to marry me.

 

So we are 5 months out from our wedding, everything was seamingly fine. He seemed tense and a bit stressed, but assured me it was just work and everything with us was okay.

 

We went to premarital counselling with the church, and they heralded us for having an amazing working relationship. They asked us what more we could want from eachother and the answer was 'nothing I love her/him just the way they are' (I know this sounds unbelievable, but it is true)

 

I came home 2 weeks ago today to cook dinner and he basically just walked in and said "I dont want to get married, I love you, but I'm not in-love with you'.

 

I asked him what I had done wrong, he said nothing, everything on the surface was absolutely perfect, but he just wasnt feeling it. I thought maybe this is cold feet? but he assured me it wasnt. H said he just didnt love me anymore.

 

Now I can understand, people get engaged and break off all the time...it happens. But when you have someone who is telling you how amazing you are everyday (no joke), how compatible and how greatful they are to have you in their life, when you don't fight, when he is telling other engaged couples to not have a long engagement, because "you just know when you know" then how did I get it so wrong?

 

 

I look through my phone at all the text messages he sent me in the last few weeks for signs, nope...none there. How does a text saying - you are the most beautiful, intelligent and wonderful woman in the world, or I just called to hear your voice translate to - I'm not in-love with you.

 

It is the strangest relatioship experience I have ever been through or could possibly wish on a person.

 

I decided to fight for the relationship, I know I went into this genuinely and with an open heart. We went to counselling, he admitted he hadnt loved me for about 12 - 18 months. [Cue sound of floor imploding] 18 months? he only proposed 6 months ago, he only walked into my father's office 7 months ago gushing of his love for me and admiration. It was only 3 weeks ago that he stood and asked my brother to be in his bridal party as he was going to be a big part of our life.

 

I wracked my brain, for what had gone wrong, the therapist asked what had happened. He said nothing, nothing had changed and that our relationship on a day to day basis was great, we were completely compatible on the surface, yet underneath he wasn't feeling it. He asked him if he fel supported, loved, nurtured, trusted, affectionate....he answered yes to all, but I dont want to walk over hot coals for her. I don't want to die for her. We are so deeply compatible, but I just dont have that feeling.

 

Ok fine. But for 18 months? How does someone keep up a charade for 18 months and then still propose, and not only once but twice! How does someone lie to themselves, their fiance, their family, friends and even a priest at a church? Hw did he let me put down the deposits on a (very expensive) wedding, when I was more than happy to just elope anyway?

 

So the question in my head is, what the hell happened? Did the person I fell in love with, say yes to and promise to love for eternity ever truly exist? I know I didnt imagine it. I;d love to think is is some mental disorder, depression, passive agression, conflict avoidant, narcissicm, compulsive lying? Why would someone lie to themselves and everyone else for such a long time?

 

I spoke to him after the therapy session and he said his parents have booked him into individual counselling and that the therapist said he potentially could have some fundamental issues.

 

Now he wont pick up the phone to me, he told me he eally doesnt love me and to move on. He is still living in our apartment, and he has not evn shed a tear. and this is the guy that crys during biggest loser?

 

Can anone shed some light on this?

[monkeymaid]

i am at a total loss. u need a ****ing hug!!!

 

 

i think it is 1 of 2 things. ....either he is scared literally to death, or he really just wanted to please everyone around him and becasue the match is socially, emotionaly, and logically perfect, her kept it up only to realize that he needs to consider himself and the things he wants to be more important than what the people around him want for him.

 

 

i think also that he is scared like a mother@@&*@)-_* and that is probably what it is. ...guys lose it when our freedom of choice and options are removed and we didnt realize it. ....give him a few weeks and then see what happens. ...i personally think its cold feet to the nth degree.

[Sassygirl2]

Wow - That is just awful and I feel for you. It sounds to me like he either is having some sort of mental dysfunction (seriously), or that he met someone else who may have changed his mind about getting married to you. I know that sucks to hear but someone told me that when I was going through my initial break up misery. I thought it was ridiculous because how could this person who seems to love you so much could do this to you?

 

We have to remember that we all perceive things differently and it is possible that you are perceiving the way the relationship was one way and he was perceiving it another way. We don't all look at everything the same. Maybe there were some signs that you will see where it was less than perfect? (I now see this after 2 months of being dumped but I didn't see it then.)

 

I know that none of this probably helps now when you are feeling so low and heartbroken. Just know that things will get better. We are here for you on LS. Hang in there!

[confusingsituation]

monkeymaid - I think you may be right about the whole people pleasing thing. He is really like that - called himself 'switzerland' as he was friends with everyone. Would always be the guy at the bar buying the rounds, always the guy picking up his mates, always the guy bailing his mates out of trouble.

 

I guess the sad thing is, maybe he just couldnt handle 'not pleasing me' ? Like he knew that I would like to get married, and couldnt not give it to me? Even though there was no pressure on him to do it? He was the one who wanted to move in, told me he loved me after 6 weeks and declared he had found the one after a year? He was the one who saved every penny for an amazing engagement ring, and OTT proposal?

 

Sassygirl2 - I dont think he was seeing anyone else. He always said how anti-cheating he was. Then again, the amount of constant deception - I have likened him now to Tiger Woods! Perfect Facade, and complete bull**** underneath.

 

Maybe he did percieve the relationship to be different to me, but if he was always saying how perfect i was for him, and how happy, and never brought up any issues when prompted then how would I know? I keep wracking my brain for issues that we had. And the only thing I can come up with was that he wanted us to be 'more active'. As in go to the gym more, and to be honest it is not out of necessity, I am only a size 4! our lifestyle was extremely active. We were always out with friends, dinner, dancing, the best of everything.

 

He used to literally be with me all the time, couldnt stand not being around me. He used to ask me to come downstairs and help him wash the car, because it was just more fun that way?

 

My mind is just doing flips trying to understand this guy. No-one has been able to disect it.

 

He told the therapist, that he kept doing nice things for me, so that he could feel better about us, but it just felt like he was going through the motions? But if there were never any issues ( I knew of), then what was he trying to fix?

 

He said when he proposed that kept him happy for awhile, but then he had to plan other things to keep him excited? Meanwhile he is still telling me I am the best thing since sliced bead.

 

I just dont understand all the lies. I am hoping that my therapist will be able to shed some light on this tomorrow. I mean he was sending me places to go on honeymoon the same day he did this!

 

He has completely just shut down, and he made me cancel the whole wedding myself as well

[MrsPeaSoup]

I am so sorry for you It is really not fair for you! You deserve that really perfect guy, you know.

 

How about being in NC with him? Maybe he just needs time to realise things and figure things out?

 

If you give him some room, maybe he'll realize what a big fool he is?

[confusingsituation]

So I spoke to him on Tuesday night for 2 hours.

 

He basically said he doesnt now what he wants from a relationship, at all. He said he thinks there is someting wrong with him. He made me actually feel sorry for him!! And has done this to me?! I to himhe could stay in or place until he felt mentally fit.

 

He said he was going to see a therapist today and then he would call me afterwards. I have recieved no call. I called him and left a text message. No response.

 

Yesterday I sent him an email telling him what my therapist said. That he has dellusional expecations for life. no response

 

I'm wondering if he is just using this 'mental problem' card to make me feel sorry for him and trying to manipulate me?

 

I'm not going to stan by and take this crap, but I don't really know what to do? I'm going NC now. But I still need to get m stuff

[skydiveaddict]

So I spoke to him on Tuesday night for 2 hours.

 

He basically said he doesnt now what he wants from a relationship, at all. He said he thinks there is someting wrong with him. He made me actually feel sorry for him!! And has done this to me?! I to himhe could stay in or place until he felt mentally fit.

 

He said he was going to see a therapist today and then he would call me afterwards. I have recieved no call. I called him and left a text message. No response.

 

Yesterday I sent him an email telling him what my therapist said. That he has dellusional expecations for life. no response

 

I'm wondering if he is just using this 'mental problem' card to make me feel sorry for him and trying to manipulate me?

 

I'm not going to stan by and take this crap, but I don't really know what to do? I'm going NC now. But I still need to get m stuff

 

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Go get your stuff and put him out of your life. Dont waste your time on someone who wont be honest with you, and know that you will get through this

[dazzle22]

What a horrible nightmare. The problem clearly lies with him, but the question is, what is the problem? He sounds as the others mentioned like a pathological people pleaser, a chameleon who is trying to convince himself of his own glowing statements.

 

Is there any hint of this odd pathology in his parents? Do his friends mention any really over the top disingenuous behavior and lying?

 

Heaven forbid, but could he be gay??....and just really deep in the closet and not even admitting it to himself yet..? Talking a very big talk to essentially "talk himself into being the perfect fiance/boyfriend? I knew a guy like this. He looked "Ken doll" perfect in the way he dated. Like it was all scripted. But there just seemed to be some 'passion' missing in his relationship. Then, he finally couldn't hold it in anymore and his girlfriend found out he was trolling the gay scene secretly.... At any rate, whatever the problem it sounds like there is a desire to do everything "perfectly" and such people are usually covering up a big secret that they consider to be very dark...

[confusingsituation]

I just dont know, It's driving me absolutely crazy, thinking about all the little things I might have done wrong. I know I have my faults, but he is telling me that I did nothing wrong

 

He ended up sending me a text yesterday saying "Sorry for the delay, today with the therapist was ok, still a lot more to answer and understand as we keep going forward. How was your day?"

 

To which I responded, "can I call you, I am just trying to understand. I dont want you back, I just need some answers"

 

No response. Nothing. I dont know what I did wrong in this relationship, we all have our faults, but my god I didnt deserve this. And I don't know who this cyborg is that replaced my ex-fiance. This cold, unfeeling man.

 

I dont even know who is the real person anymore!!

 

My therapist seems to think that he has convinced himself that love = undying passion. And that basically he is re-writing his past with me to justify that self belief. He has built up in his head the way a relationship "should be" and is just role playing everything with me, until his head has obviously exploded and can't put up with the charade anymore.

 

I just want to know what I did wrong so I can learn something from this and move on with my life.

 

Dazzle22 - He seemed to come from such a normal family. No divorce, brothers and sisters married with children, no committment issues? I thought I had recieved a gift from god! (My last partner had BPD and Narcissicm, and I was too young to really understand that I had no control in trying to 'fix' the relationship)

 

In terms of the gay thing, I did ask. When I first met him I thought he was gay, he dressed exceptionally well, danced well, worked in marketing and was texting a gay guy that i knew when he met me....but basically he 'proved me wrong' and kissed me that night and we had been together ever since.

 

It's like he wants to live in the notebook forever I can't live up to that unrealistic expectation of romance. And I am very romantic, I would book him random massages when he was tense, walk down to his work to give him lunch, take him out for surprises, plan treats for him. I even took the day off work on his birthday just so I could decorate the house and cook him his favourite meals.

 

I never hounded him, gave him his space, let him go out with his mates, just completely accepted him for who he was. And now this? I think you are right, it sounds like he is hiding some deep secret...

[dazzle22]

Hmmm, I'm going to say the gay concern is still a possibility unfortunately, IMHO. Especially since your first impression was that he WAS gay, and you saw texts to a gay guy. Not that straight men don't text gay guys, but the two things together, coincidence?

 

A very close friend of mine who is gay, can go for women too, but much prefers men. So the fact that he kissed you doesn't rule that out at all. I have known quite a few men with long term marriages and children who came "out" 25 yrs into their marriages, and shocked their wives, friends and family, so ...

 

He was just "too perfect" by the sounds of it...like it was all scripted and "what he was supposed to do" but his heart wasn't in it.

 

**** If you listen VERY CAREFULLY to people, they inadvertantly tell you who they are.*** My guess is he has given you some more hints about what is going on that you have dismissed because you love him. Do you recall EXACTLY what he said about his gay friend, or what he said in his texts to him? My gut tells me this is the deep dark secret. Just my opinion though. Could be totally wrong. Hope I am.

[confusingsituation]

I dont know I almost wish he was gay, then I could feel like I didnt do anything wrong. For the life of me, he never complained about anything and would always tell people how lucky he was for having me in his life. I know that things got a little boring after the engagement fuss was over, but it was because we were saving for the wedding and honeymoon (6 weeks in Europe) and I was running everything, so had a bit less energy. I wonder if this sent him over the edge? Like he saw life was going to be boring or something? But I also discussed it with him and he said he completely understood that things would be less exciting during this period and we were working towards something.

 

I wonder if he saw me during this time, and thought I can't handle it. I never took anything out on him though, I just asked for a little help With planning the honeymoon

 

I dont get where this I love you but I'm not in love with you thing came from? I keep going round and round in circles

 

I started NC on Thursday after he didnt respond to my text. And then yesterday out of the blue he texts me:

 

Happy Easter! How is your weekend? Where are you?

 

I didnt respond, but what the hell? You just smashed my heart into a million pieces, gave me no answers or reasons, ignored me and this lovely up-beat message?

 

I don't know where I am at the moment, it's like I am living in a virtual reality.

[dazzle22]

No doubt! Sound like he is living in an alternate universe!