John Who Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 (edited) My XW called me this afternoon and asked me to meet up with her for lunch,I knew she had something important to tell me by her body language then those words came out her mouth she said I wanted to tell you first before you heard it from someone else I'm engaged,and my wedding date is set for July..... My heart just felt like it exploded,I was stunned I just felt this sick feeling in my stomache,we were both quiet my first words to come out my mouth were are you in love with him,she said he makes me feel safe??? I asked her again do you love him and she said of course I love him. I do not believe she is in love with him,or maybe I'm just trying to lie to myself. I felt desperate I asked her if she loved him more than she loved me when we were together,she said I was acting childesh. I told her I love you,I never stopped loving you I told her in my heart we are still together,I asked her she would please reconsider her proposal,she was quiet and she said I have to go this is to much for me I did not think it was going to be this way. I followed her out telling her I can't believe she is getting M,I told her come back to me give me another chance I felt pathetic begging her,but I did not care.she started crying and said just let me go. Maybe I'm fooling myself,but something in me is saying don't give up she does not love him and then something tells me just do what she wants and let her go,I have let her go I do not bother her,but I can't stop loving her it's still there. Edited March 30, 2010 by John Who
NoIDidn't Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I'm sorry, John. Maybe you can now start really grieving your lost M? So sorry for your pain.
califnan Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Forgive me John. I don't know your story, and am too tired and timeless to look for your other posts. What was the reason that you broke up?
Author John Who Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 It was my fault,I had a EA told her about it and she D me,we have been D for over 3 years now.
califnan Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Tell her to be sure that she is marrying for the right reason and that you still love her. .but - in your own words as to how you feel ... and when you feel you have conveyed your feelings ... then let her go ..
Ima Texan Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Hi John. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know it is horrible. I have been exactly where you are. I will try my best to give you a couple of helpful tools that I learned by the grace of God.. First, look at this as a "speed bump". One of many to come. Just like a speed bump, it causes you to come to a halt, slowly go over it, BUT then, you get going again, until the next one.. My speed bumps were the dating, seeing his picture, seeing "the ring' on her finger before she told me, the wedding (knowing it was going on while I was 1000 miles away, but felt a million), the phone call out of courtesy to tell me she was pregnant and then the birth of THEIR child... Everytime I had to tell myself that this is just another "speed bump" and I WILL get over it. And John, I did. Now, I have a bigger "family". Her children with him are like a niece and a nephew to me. My son is like a cousin. They Facebook and talk on the phone... Rare, I know, but IF I hadn't learned to accept things, it never would have turned out this way. You will be OK! Its fine to ALWAYS have a special spot in your heart for her, forever. You will always be linked together, and you will always love her. And that my friend is a pretty wonderful thing.. Ill be watching this thread and jump in if needed. Take care!
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 John it's been 3 years since you divorced? 3 years, why havent you moved on since then? Why are you still in the past?
Author John Who Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Hi John. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know it is horrible. I have been exactly where you are. I will try my best to give you a couple of helpful tools that I learned by the grace of God.. First, look at this as a "speed bump". One of many to come. Just like a speed bump, it causes you to come to a halt, slowly go over it, BUT then, you get going again, until the next one.. My speed bumps were the dating, seeing his picture, seeing "the ring' on her finger before she told me, the wedding (knowing it was going on while I was 1000 miles away, but felt a million), the phone call out of courtesy to tell me she was pregnant and then the birth of THEIR child... Everytime I had to tell myself that this is just another "speed bump" and I WILL get over it. And John, I did. Now, I have a bigger "family". Her children with him are like a niece and a nephew to me. My son is like a cousin. They Facebook and talk on the phone... Rare, I know, but IF I hadn't learned to accept things, it never would have turned out this way. You will be OK! Its fine to ALWAYS have a special spot in your heart for her, forever. You will always be linked together, and you will always love her. And that my friend is a pretty wonderful thing.. Ill be watching this thread and jump in if needed. Take care! Thanks for sharing your story,I only hope I can come to terms with her marriage sooner rather than later.
Author John Who Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 John it's been 3 years since you divorced? 3 years, why havent you moved on since then? Why are you still in the past? Yeah over 3 years,on the outside it appears I have moved on I have had several GF's,I go out on dates often with women and it appears I'm living the bachelor life style BUT on the inside I'm still in love with her. I have tried to not have these feelings for her,I don't bother her,I have left her alone I hardly see her and when I do its only for a short time. But yup I still love her.
Steadfast Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I have tried to not have these feelings for her, I don't bother her, I have left her alone I hardly see her and when I do its only for a short time. But yup I still love her. So you love her. She probably loves you too, but there's way more to making a relationship work than mutual love. Have you considered her lack of trust? Her fear of getting hurt again? The time she's invested in healing? You only address how you feel, what you've done. Look at her. Although I don't think it was smart to follow her and plead, it was probably better than faking it and acting indifferent. Believe it or not, she probably wanted to hear you say that. She probably wanted you to feel just a portion of the pain she felt when you cheated. What she experienced when she realized you betrayed her and she lost you...if only for a time. But it was enough, wasn't it? Don't these things always come back around? You've expressed your feelings on the subject, so let her be. She may or may not go through with the marriage but either way, leave her alone. If someday she's receptive to the idea of a reconciliation, then proceed with her feelings in mind. If she marries this man, stay out of her life and give her the chance to be happy. Either way, you'll be showing her true love.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 No advice man... but I empathize with your pain. The stab to the gut in my case wasn't finding out XW was getting married (she got married last summer, six years post-split). I was over it by then. The stab was two years after we split when I found out she was moving in with the guy she ended up marrying. That was just about five years ago. Sent me into a tailspin for nearly a year. It took me just about three years to shake my generalized depression over the end of my marriage, starting from the day I moved out. During those three years I also dated a lot, but nothing really seemed to make the pain go away. The only thing that could do that was time. The same thing will happen with you eventually. It strikes me that your active single life may have been serving as a kind of bandaid. This never works. I'm not saying you should give up dating entirely, but you should at least seek out some counselling. Work on yourself. Get to understand why you had an EA (hint: it's because there was something in your marriage that you were dissatisfied with). If necessary, reduce or cut off contact (as much as possible) with your XW. You need time and space to heal and grow as a person.
Kenyth Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Dude, you've been stuck in the "denial" phase for far too long now. Been there. A little counseling might help you truly move on. At any rate, I don't want to sound cruel, but I think this remarriage may be exactly what you need. I'm sure you probably don't see it that way right now though. Hang in there. You'll be fine when the dust from hitting the bottom finally clears.
Spark1111 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 John, I am so sorry you find your self in this situation. My heart breaks for you. I think your xw told you something huge: she is marrying a man who makes her feel safe. Some people just know that even though they love/loved you, you did not make them feel safe, for whatever reasons. Some people also realize that even though they loved you, they will never trust you again or find forgiveness in their hearts to remain with you. I think your wife knew this about herself after you confessed to your emotional affair. I think your ensuing actions of not giving up your OW and fighting harder to keep your wife drove this home to her and led her to file immediately for divorce. I think she loved you, but no longer felt safe with you and knew she never would. This was obviously a huge need of hers...safety and trust. Your actions are fairly typical of someone who finds themselves in an affair they grow to regret. I hope you find peace in all of this. I think you did the right thing in telling her the truth that is in your heart. Afterall at this point, what do you have to lose? Do not forget that pride goeth before the fall. I wish you peace.
White Flower Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 John, I'm so sad for you. I'm sad that you confessed your EA to her in an attempt to 'do the right thing' and that it backfired. I hope you can move on and find love again. (((John)))
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 My XW called me this afternoon and asked me to meet up with her for lunch,I knew she had something important to tell me by her body language then those words came out her mouth she said I wanted to tell you first before you heard it from someone else I'm engaged,and my wedding date is set for July..... My heart just felt like it exploded,I was stunned I just felt this sick feeling in my stomache,we were both quiet my first words to come out my mouth were are you in love with him,she said he makes me feel safe??? I asked her again do you love him and she said of course I love him. I do not believe she is in love with him,or maybe I'm just trying to lie to myself. I felt desperate I asked her if she loved him more than she loved me when we were together,she said I was acting childesh. I told her I love you,I never stopped loving you I told her in my heart we are still together,I asked her she would please reconsider her proposal,she was quiet and she said I have to go this is to much for me I did not think it was going to be this way. I followed her out telling her I can't believe she is getting M,I told her come back to me give me another chance I felt pathetic begging her,but I did not care.she started crying and said just let me go. Maybe I'm fooling myself,but something in me is saying don't give up she does not love him and then something tells me just do what she wants and let her go,I have let her go I do not bother her,but I can't stop loving her it's still there. So, why are the two of you still in contact after the divorce? Why did you cheat on her in the first place? Didn't you think this would happened when you started romancing this other chick?
You Go Girl Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 You know what John_who... Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all--forget who said that, Byron or the bard. Wow! 3 years later...and still you got it in you to profess your love for her. I admire someone who knows who they love and aren't afraid to say it, even knowing that it probably won't bring them back. you're not afraid of love-- Someday, when you're ready, a lucky woman is going to reap the benefits of that love you have bottled up and ready to give. Protect it, that love. Nurture it whatever way you can--in friends, in family, in helping strangers, in appreciating life.
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Someday, when you're ready, a lucky woman is going to reap the benefits of that love you have bottled up and ready to give. Protect it, that love. Nurture it whatever way you can--in friends, in family, in helping strangers, in appreciating life. Reading too much romance novels lately?
jnj express Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Hey John-----It is sad you are going thru this---but you knew what the repercussions would be when you cheated on your wife. She is moving on, hopefully with someone who truly loves her----time for you to move on, hopefully you will find someone in your future, and the lesson you learned will stick.
OFGnomore Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 Reading too much romance novels lately? No doubt, I hope she was kidding. I think JW needs to get smacked with a GTFU stick for sure. His wife is moving on and he has to muddy things up for her. Geez. I guess for some people, having an affair is just another way to say, "I love you". Stay away from her and be a man. Give her the congratualations she deserves.
You Go Girl Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 No doubt, I hope she was kidding. I think JW needs to get smacked with a GTFU stick for sure. His wife is moving on and he has to muddy things up for her. Geez. I guess for some people, having an affair is just another way to say, "I love you". Stay away from her and be a man. Give her the congratualations she deserves. Ummm...never read a romance novel in my life. No wait, I think I read one. Bridges of Madison county. Anyway, I don't think I'm being too sentimental here. I think someone is hurting, and doesn't realize that that love they have will be very much appreciated and reciprocated in his future. I like to give people hope when they're down. I like to remind them that they are lovable. When you've been rejected or hurt, you can forget that you are lovable, or can't believe it will happen in your future. Chastizing this guy for having an EA years ago isn't going to help him at all. He had an EA. It is forgivable imho, but it wasn't forgiven. It took two to drive him to that point. He showed restraint and didn't act out physically. He sought comfort, not cheap sex. That speaks volumes.
jmargel Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 John, the definition of love is giving what you have in your heart without expecting anything in return. That being said if you really love her, you will want what makes her happy. She loves this guy, she's happy. Give that to her. Don't be selfish and try to mess with her head. It's not fair to her, her fiance and it's messing with your own thoughts. You need to back away. Don't analyze what she is going through, it's not your position. You faced the consequences for your behavior. You need to find acceptence in all of this. Look up the five stages of grief. Thing is, you haven't talked to her hardly at all since the divorce but now you do? Do you really want her back or is it that you don't want anyone else to have her?
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Ummm...never read a romance novel in my life. No wait, I think I read one. Bridges of Madison county. Anyway, I don't think I'm being too sentimental here. I think someone is hurting, and doesn't realize that that love they have will be very much appreciated and reciprocated in his future. I like to give people hope when they're down. I like to remind them that they are lovable. When you've been rejected or hurt, you can forget that you are lovable, or can't believe it will happen in your future. Chastizing this guy for having an EA years ago isn't going to help him at all. He had an EA. It is forgivable imho, but it wasn't forgiven. It took two to drive him to that point. He showed restraint and didn't act out physically. He sought comfort, not cheap sex. That speaks volumes.
OFGnomore Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 Ummm...never read a romance novel in my life. No wait, I think I read one. Bridges of Madison county. Anyway, I don't think I'm being too sentimental here. I think someone is hurting, and doesn't realize that that love they have will be very much appreciated and reciprocated in his future. I like to give people hope when they're down. I like to remind them that they are lovable. When you've been rejected or hurt, you can forget that you are lovable, or can't believe it will happen in your future. Chastizing this guy for having an EA years ago isn't going to help him at all. He had an EA. It is forgivable imho, but it wasn't forgiven. It took two to drive him to that point. He showed restraint and didn't act out physically. He sought comfort, not cheap sex. That speaks volumes. I wasn't chastizing JW for his EA. Who really cares what he did years ago? Read carefully my response and try not to insert information from other responses into what I said. My point is TODAY, present day, his exW is getting married and for him to mooo about his residual feelings when his exW has made a commitment, a present day choice, to get married. IMO, it's interference in her life and just plain selfish. He needs to leave her alone. He can mooo here, he can mooo in a journal, his pastor or a friend. But to involve his exW is incredibly immature and self. What does he expect to gain? JW needs to start to show some respect for his commitments and those others have made too. My God, I'd warn all women to stay away from this immature, self absorbed Romeo. Could it possibly get more obvious, it's all about him, him, him!
OFGnomore Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 JW, I think you got a lot to learn about love still. It's a 2 way street. Often times, loss brings great pain, and great pain can be a fierce teacher. So far, it's seems you missed the lesson. Heal yourself first, and then, you may be in a position to find great love as YGG talks about. What I'm finding in my journey is the the healthier you get the less you will seek out a wonderful spouse or partner to get you to that state of contentment. It will already be there.
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