Friend gives backhanded compliments, not sure how to explain!

[RedCherries]

This post is going to sound sooo shallow, but I need advice!

 

I have a friend who I've known since we were about 8 and we became close in high school. She was shy and I was outgoing so I brought her into my "group". At first my friends weren't exactly welcoming but I merged us all together. Now we're both in our late 20s and are still very good friends. I love her to death, but I have one problem with her. She likes to group the two of us together, and what I mean by that is that if she doesn't like something about herself, she'll find a way to include me when she's insulting herself by adding me to the equation. She also says little things that really bother me. She doesn't seem to notice so I feel like I can't fault her for it but it's seriously annoying.

 

For example, the other night I was saying that for the most part how unattractive people date unattractive people, average people date average people, and hot people date hot people and so on. I then said half jokingly, "this is why I'll never date a hot guy!' She then said "No, you can date a hot guy. I've seen ugly girls with hot guys and ugly guys with hot girls." Then, while I am absorbing this and very offended but not shocked (because she does this alllll the time) she goes on to say, "You and I aren't average, but we're not hot. We're not pretty, we're just like... cute."

 

Now I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think I'm quite pretty. I'm definitely not model hot, but I get asked out quite often and every guy friend I've had has fallen for me (this leads me to not have any guy friends anymore). My friend and I differ quite a bit, not only in looks but in the personality department. She's still very shy and very awkward and socially she hasn't matured much. She's also not very fond of upkeeping her physical appearance except for her body, meaning she doesn't like to wear makeup or do her hair. I know it may sound superficial but I care a lot about how I look and dress because it boosts my self esteem tremendously (and I REALLY need it). I think over the years she's also developed a complex because for some reason, her mom feels the need to tell her that I'm pretty and she always asks her daughter why she can't do makeup or hair the way that I do. Because of this, anytime I know I will see her mother, I will always make sure not to wear makeup and I wear sweats, which she hasn't noticed or if she has, doesn't say anything about it. She also works very hard to maintain her body while I don't ever have to worry about gaining weight.

 

But even with my bragging speech above, I've never once thrown it in her face so I don't understand why she feels the need to make me feel bad about myself. I NEVER brag about how guys like me, etc. I'm usually self deprecating in a very humorous manner.

 

I did confront her once in high school because she claimed we wouldn't get prom dates because we weren't pretty. After that, she stopped doing it for a while but it's starting up again and it really bothers me.

 

I don't know if I'm being really sensitive or if it is something I should bring up with her again if she does it, which I know she will. I just don't understand why she does this! I have never told a friend she isn't pretty.. I think all my friends are pretty but even if I didn't, I wouldn't dare say something like her comments to their face.

 

What should I do? Sorry.. I Know this problem probably sounds so trivial but it is upsetting me.

[juliet1989]

My best friend does a similar thing with me. I love her to death but it seems more often than not she has to throw in a snide remark or insult, which she thinks is funny but most the time is just rude. Now, I'm a roll with the punches type of gal and I can take a joke just fine but occasionally the little comments get annoying. She'll say things like, "...well that's bc you're a loser", or "you're lucky I'm your friend or you'd have nobody to hang out with."

Again, I can take a joke, but even when I would be happy or excited about something she'd have to say something to belittle me or the situation.

 

Eventually I got pissed one night and asked her why she had to be a snickering little b***h, and her response was "well, because you never say anything back." So after that every time she had something childish to say I'd come right back at her with an equally stupid remark and eventually she got the picture and stopped(for the most part).

 

I've thought a lot more about it and realized how truly insecure my friend is. How socially awkward she is in groups, how low her self-esteem is (she's on the heavy side), how she really depends on me more than I depend on her even though she tries to make it sound the opposite.

 

Is that how your friend is? You stated that your friend is awkward and hasn't matured as well as you, so I think she probably likes to group you in when she talks about her shortcomings to make herself feel better. It's an insecurity thing. If you realize this, as I have about my friend, and just accept that she most likely doesn't mean to hurt you but is just covering up being unhappy with herself, than I think you could probably let her dumb comments roll off your back a lot easier. If not, than confront her again about it. Tell her that you are secure with yourself and to not presume that just because you are friends that you share the same problems and that it's insulting and it bugs the hell out of you. Maybe than she'll understand better.

[SadandConfusedWA]

You are not a real friend to her. If you think that you are prettier and have a better personality, then you feel superior to her and on some level like you are doing her a favour by being her friend.

 

Also, doing hair and make up means very little if you don't have a pleasing face to begin with.

[FreddieJones]

Her behavior towards you clearly shows me that your are prettier than her, don't be so sensitive and live your own life. Don't care whatever she says about you, just have a "Hot Date" to solve her problem:)

[RedCherries]

Thanks for your replies. Juliet, she does the exact same thing your friend does, the loser comments and such!! I do know she's insecure, but I just wasn't sure how to react to her, now that we're older. I do realize that she doesn't mean to insult really, and that she just has low self esteem so I guess I should try to just take it with a grain of salt. She's also like your friend in that she depends on me a lot. She has a few friends she hangs out with but for the most part will call me most of the time and I love spending time with her so I don't mind, but I just don't want her to be rude. If it does irk me more I will probably say something again. Like I said, I love everything else about her and we're very close friends.

 

And Freddie, you are right, I am being too sensitive. I do have a hot date coming up next weekend but I haven't told her. I know she would rub it in my face if she had one... which makes the immature child in me want to come and out and do the same, but I don't. I had a 4 year relationship I just got out of 2 months ago so it's not like I'm wanting so badly for attention.

 

SadandConfused, I'm very sorry that you think I'm not a real friend. I never said I was prettier. I said I wore more makeup. I did say she was awkward but that was so that you readers could get a bigger picture of perhaps WHY she was doing what she was. (Since awkward people say awkward things without realizing it may be offensive.) If you read my entire post, you would have seen that I was the one who reached out to her when we were little kids and I asked her to become friends but I don't think I'm doing her a favor... who does that?? I'd never be friends with someone I didn't want to be friends with, that's so weird! What a waste of time and energy!!

 

I do not ever think I am better than her and I'm sorry if I led you to get that impression. I am not the one who insults her. The reason I was stating all those facts about my taking care of my looks, etc was to show you guys that she is one of the only people who put me down for my looks because not only is it bad mannered for a stranger to do, but let alone one of my best friends! And I mean that for ANYONE. It's just rude to comment on someone's appearance negatively, not only to their face but behind their backs as well. I never brag about how I think I look and how I feel, I keep it all inside but I felt free to write it on this board because I don't know any of you. I don't see why you don't see how SHE is the one being a "bad" friend. I guess maybe you do the same to your friends so you think I'm in the wrong?

 

Also, thanks for implying I don't have a "pleasing face." I don't need to wear makeup, in fact, I don't think any of my friends do either. I wear it because I want to. I sincerely hope you felt better by making me feel bad or that post was a waste of your time.

[blueyedgrl85]

Your friend is terribly insecure and unsure of herself. Try to encourage her and help her with her make-up and hair. Even if she doesn't wear any or like to get all gussied up- maybe she doesn't know how. It must hurt when her mom compliments you over her. Try to also compliment her by saying, "Oh, that green shirt looks amazing on you. I couldn't pull it off, but you can!" (Yes, you might have to slightly put yourself down, but encouraging her may just be what she needs to hear.) Or compliment her on how creative she is or other traits of hers.

 

When she insults you or undermines you with these subtle jabs, you can talk to her about it or just distance yourself from her. While it is tempting to get back at her at times, don't! Be the bigger (and better) person. Always treat people the way you would like to be treated.

[RedCherries]

Thanks Blueeyedgrl. Funny enough, I compliment her all the time and do exactly what you suggested, the whole "it looks great on you but bad on me, etc." But she's very uncomfortable with getting compliments. Whenever I say I love her hair a certain way or appreciate her clothes or shoes, she'll turn red and say thanks in a meek tone but I've told her that compliments are great and to receive them is something to be proud of. I tell her she looks great EVERY single time I see her.

 

It's not a contest about who is prettier or better or whatever, it's just that I feel she always tries her damnedest to put me down because she feels insecure. I want to say that I hope she doesn't do it again, but knowing she will, I have a plan of attack in mind - the next time she does it, I will brush it off, but if she does it again I will definitely talk to her and tell her it hurts my feelings.

 

It's weird though because strangely enough, we had the conversation about our high school fight just a few days ago (which was the last time I confronted her when she insulted me) and she was the one who brought it up and was saying how she felt so sorry!

[blueyedgrl85]

It's not a contest about who is prettier or better or whatever, it's just that I feel she always tries her damnedest to put me down because she feels insecure. I want to say that I hope she doesn't do it again, but knowing she will, I have a plan of attack in mind - the next time she does it, I will brush it off, but if she does it again I will definitely talk to her and tell her it hurts my feelings.

Well then, it's time to say something. It doesn't have to be a laundry list of things she says or does, but when/if she says something, just tell her how you feel. Using "I feel" statements works best because she won't feel threatened/attacked when you talk to her.

 

It's weird though because strangely enough, we had the conversation about our high school fight just a few days ago (which was the last time I confronted her when she insulted me) and she was the one who brought it up and was saying how she felt so sorry!

Actions speak louder than words, though, so while she may feel sorry- she continues to belittle you. I think she does value your friendship deep down inside, but sister needs some confidence in herself! Friends can only be so supportive!

[Not the love ace]

I don't think its anything trivial. I've had a similar situation with a friend of mine as well, hence the reason why I dropped him. I hate to say it but just because HE'S not a successful in life and at his age of 24 (almost 25) HE doesn't have not even a G.E.D (let alone high school diploma),never stepped foot into a college, physically doesn't take care of himself, doesn't get the most attractive girls, is VERY, VERY immature for his age, and has low expectations in life, he puts me into the equation of being a loser like him.

 

Which used to EXASPERATE me to no end because even though he was who he was, I always, ALWAYS rooted for him, never put him down and always tried to encourage him to do better things for himself in life. He was always mocked by other people for being a (for lack of a better term at the moment) loser in life but I always told him he can do better and I truly believed he can.

 

When he wanted a girl he really desired, I was always there to tell him to try his best and would give him advice. If he wanted to audition for a band, I always sent him my blessings and kept tabs on him to make sure he tried out. When things when down the drain in his life and he resorted to drugs, I made sure I was there to let him yap his ear off to me. I really tried being there for him but what did I get in return?

 

Instead of receiving the same treatment, all he ever gave me was the exact same treatment your friend gave me. Just because he thought he was ugly, guess what? He thought I was too. Just because he thought he couldn't get a girl or girls, guess what? I couldn't either. Most of all, just because HE thought he was a loser, I was a loser with him.

 

So he always added me into his equation of negativity and I couldn't stand it anymore. So I simply stopped being his friend and hanging out with him. I know how you feel and though some other people may say its superficial, I don't think it is. You're not wrong for feeling that way.

 

I suggest you either have a serious talk with her, tone down the time you hangout with her, or maybe just cut her out of your life a little bit.

 

Good luck!