LJ57 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 A girl I have been seeing for the past three months, and getting increasingly serious with, has been involved with several lesbian relationships in the past, although she has never brought this up or even hinted at having an interest in women. I know this for a fact through a variety of sources. How can I bring this up with her and find out what the story is?
tincanman99 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Frankly its none of your business unless she volunteers it to you. If you want to know all about her sexual past you may learn some things you may not want to hear. Are you ready to share your sexual history with her? Because if you arent than you cant possibly expect her to share hers. If it bothers you that she was with other women than she may not be the right girl for you. Some people cant get past it and get stuck so to speak. It will forever color your view of her to you and you will dwell on it. If I were you, ignore it and be more concerned at how she treats you in the here and now.
MalachiX Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Tell her that you care for her but you need to know about her past lesbian encounters if you're going to move forward together. Then, ask her to provide photos of past lesbian experience and post them online so we can all judge if they pose a danger to your relationship.
MalachiX Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 You could also keep your mouth shut and let her tell you when she's ready but then we wouldn't get any pictures...
Author LJ57 Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 I understand that and respect that for some people this may be a trivial matter, but for me it is not. I really do feel the need to know this information before moving on in this relationship. I just do not know the proper way to go about doing it. That's what I am asking..
tincanman99 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I unerstand its not trivial but you have heard this from others, not her. Think about this now: Say she tells you she was involved in lesbian relationships? Now what? Can you deal with it? Or is it over? How do you feel about it? The reason I say this is because if you feel this is a big deal and cannot accept that this is who she is, than 110% she is not the woman for you. There is no easy way to bring this up. The only way is to ask point blank and frankly it will not end well if she does not want to discuss it.
St. Nick Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 The OP seems just to want to know how deep she was in it. There are women who had a brief encounter with other women, and then there are women who went full force lesbian. It wouldn't bother me if I had a girl who died either, but it might be strange if the OP's girl was once a butch dyke then went back to looking feminine. OP: lesbian chicks I knew once mentioned something called a fence-sitter. That's a woman who sits on the sexuality fence and will jump from being heterosexual to homosexual whenever it suits her needs. Those women seem to have big social issues. In any case, the best way you can bring up the subject is to ask for a threesome. When you ask, you need to say, "Have you ever been with a woman before?" You can ask while you're a little tipsy if you're too shy to ask when you're sober. It might help and you'll be able to say you were too drunk to know what you were saying if she acts all shocked.
blind_otter Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Well just be prepared to share all the intimate secrets of your sexual forrays with this woman in return. That's all I'm going to say. Have you ever heard of Pandora's Box? No pun intended.
dave22 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 You can ask while you're a little tipsy if you're too shy to ask when you're sober. It might help and you'll be able to say you were too drunk to know what you were saying if she acts all shocked. hahaha... I'm really liking this drunk excuse. I think I'm going to use it myself next time I want to ask a girlfriend if she wants to do something crazy in bed.
troggleputty Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 A girl I have been seeing for the past three months, and getting increasingly serious with, has been involved with several lesbian relationships in the past, although she has never brought this up or even hinted at having an interest in women. I know this for a fact through a variety of sources. How can I bring this up with her and find out what the story is? If you want to address this indirectly ask her what kind of U-Haul trucks she favors.
SilkRose Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 A girl I have been seeing for the past three months, and getting increasingly serious with, has been involved with several lesbian relationships in the past, although she has never brought this up or even hinted at having an interest in women. I know this for a fact through a variety of sources. How can I bring this up with her and find out what the story is? Talk to her, and figure it out.
ADF Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 If your GF is bisexual, you probably have little to worry about. The overhwhelming majority of true bisexuals, male and female, end up in opposite-gender relationships. However, if your GF is lesbian-identified--i.e. if she has consistently dated women instead of men, you may have a problem. I went through this exact thing some years back. I dated a lesbian-identified woman who seemed to have a heterosexual relpase every five years or so. I don't pretend to understand it. I am no expert. However, after a wonderful 6 months, she abruptly ended our relationship. I was stunned, and hurt. Naively, I always assumed being a lesbian was all about sex. But it wasn't. This woman liked sex with men just fine. Her problem was she just couldn't connect emotionally with a man. Needless to say, I was devasted and resented her so much we couldn't even manage to be friends afterwards. I felt as though she had played a cruel joke on me.
Engadget Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 This seems to becoming more and more common, and I'm convinced the vast majority aren't bi-sexual or lesbians either. They just do it because they can. Frankly this is something you need to know about if you're going to date and be committed. So try to broach the subject nicely and don't listen to people saying it's none of your business.
ImaManDammit Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I dated a woman who was Bi. I think one way or another you need to know. Just be prepared for whatever answer you receive. I found out that. 1) She was never in a relationship with a woman, but has been with several women. 2) Sex is an act and doesn't need to be associated with a relationship 3) She had a threesome with a married couple 4) She is attracted to the person not the gender 5) She prefers relationships with men, because she doesn't like to deal with her own "female" issues let alone another womans. 6) Her social life revolved around the Gay community, clubs, events and the majority of her friends were Gay or Lesbian. Which one did I have a problem with? All of the above. She told me that when she's been in a relationship she has always been monogomous, and that I was great and that she never felt like this about anyone before. She was a sweet person, but I had to end it. I knew I would never be comfortable with this, and since she was open and honest with me, I was also with her. Don't judge her, but at the same time stay true to yourself. Even if she opens up to you and is honest like this girl was to me, you may still not be happy with the answer. So first firgure out what your willing to accept and not accept for yourself. Ask the question and the follow through with your feelings. If it ends, it ends. What I know now is that no matter how great the person is, if she were to tell me she's Bi, I have to end it for her benefit and my own. Its a shame I know. This is what it is for me. You need to decide what it is for you.
Johnny M Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Frankly its none of your business unless she volunteers it to you. If you want to know all about her sexual past you may learn some things you may not want to hear. None of his business?? I don't think so. The fact that she was a lesbian in the past is a pretty big deal and might in fact be a deal breaker for a lot of guys. This is definitely something that he has a right to know.
marsle85 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I personally feel you don't have any right to ask her about her past. If she chooses to share it with you, great. Your acceptance/denial of her past shouldn't be an issue at this point, as she hasn't let you in to that part of life yet... Not to mention, your understanding of the events prior to your relationship are fuzzy and unclear. You're making judgements and assumptions based on gossip. If there is something in particular you'd like to find out about, ask - but if she doesn't feel comfortable sharing, that's perfectly fair as well.
Johnny M Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I personally feel you don't have any right to ask her about her past. If she chooses to share it with you, great. Your acceptance/denial of her past shouldn't be an issue at this point, as she hasn't let you in to that part of life yet... Not to mention, your understanding of the events prior to your relationship are fuzzy and unclear. You're making judgements and assumptions based on gossip. If there is something in particular you'd like to find out about, ask - but if she doesn't feel comfortable sharing, that's perfectly fair as well. In a perfect world (from a woman's point of view), she could keep her dirty secrets buried in the past. But in the real world, no sane man would ever get seriously involved with a woman who's sexual past is a mystery. Who wants to marry a former hooker or porn star, for example? Ditto for former lesbians. Like I said, for many men it would be an absolute deal breaker, so this guy has every right to know.
ImaManDammit Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I personally feel you don't have any right to ask her about her past. If she chooses to share it with you, great. Your acceptance/denial of her past shouldn't be an issue at this point, as she hasn't let you in to that part of life yet... Not to mention, your understanding of the events prior to your relationship are fuzzy and unclear. You're making judgements and assumptions based on gossip. If there is something in particular you'd like to find out about, ask - but if she doesn't feel comfortable sharing, that's perfectly fair as well. All gossip starts with a some type of fact, as convaluted as that fact may become in the end. But that's not the issue here. This seems to be something fundamental with him, so I think he has a right to ask, but she also has a right to not to answer. Again, he has to be ready for whatever answer he receives, even if the answer to his question is that she won't answer that, and then has to decide what's best for him.
Engadget Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 In a perfect world (from a woman's point of view), she could keep her dirty secrets buried in the past. But in the real world, no sane man would ever get seriously involved with a woman who's sexual past is a mystery. Who wants to marry a former hooker or porn star, for example? Ditto for former lesbians. Like I said, for many men it would be an absolute deal breaker, so this guy has every right to know. Exactly, how can people say it's okay to hide this, and it's not okay to ask? If you're in committed relationship this is kind of an important detail. It's like finding out your SO was a hardcore drug addict before you met them, not that I'm comparing the two...but it's a pretty big secret and the other person should know.
Author LJ57 Posted April 2, 2010 Author Posted April 2, 2010 Thanks for all the feedback and comments on this. I managed to bring this up and, yes, it turned out to be true. I am not homophobic, and I have nothing whatsoever against people who are gay, lesbian, or bisexual...but I am not really sure I can continue to see someone who claims to be equally as attracted to men as women.
jack5100nv Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I think 3 months is a long time to go without knowing the deal breakers. Bring it up next time there is a talk about sex or intimacy or anything. If you are not ok with and and need to know. Well you gotta know. If conversation leads to sex, you can ask her if she has ever been with a women. it's a gamble but depends on how desperate are you to find out how she is.
Engadget Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 Thanks for all the feedback and comments on this. I managed to bring this up and, yes, it turned out to be true. I am not homophobic, and I have nothing whatsoever against people who are gay, lesbian, or bisexual...but I am not really sure I can continue to see someone who claims to be equally as attracted to men as women. There's nothing wrong with that, and no you're not homophobic for feeling that way. Some people nowadays use the word homophobe for everything. I'm not real comfortable with gay men hitting on me when I'm out, because I'm straight. Actually had someone call me a homophobe because of this, I was floored.
TudorII Posted April 2, 2010 Posted April 2, 2010 I think it is fair to ask the question on the basis of understanding the commitment to the relationship. I mean if it were me it would be less about the actual sex or details of the past relationships and more about getting my head around any potential to drift back that way. if she was into chicks before I would just want to know what changed and if she thought that part of her life was over or if there was still some tenancies there. That is fair question and I don't think intrusive of one's past. All these commitments about it being none of your business is why many relationships fail. Its not just about full disclosure it is about protecting your interest and knowing what you are getting into.
MalachiX Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Joking aside, I think the difficulty with being with a true bi-sexual is the fear that there would be some part of her desires that you could never satisfy. I realize no realtionship's perfect but no amount of counseling is going to help a guy grow a vagina.
ImaManDammit Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Joking aside, I think the difficulty with being with a true bi-sexual is the fear that there would be some part of her desires that you could never satisfy. I realize no realtionship's perfect but no amount of counseling is going to help a guy grow a vagina. Well said. When I broke up with the BI woman I was dating, she said to me, "Your ego should have be booming because out of both sexes, I wanted to be with you." My response was, "Perhaps, but now I am in competition with both sexes to keep you, and in this case, a clear and unchangeable disadvantage."
Recommended Posts