Sad, hurt,

[Sad and hurt]

[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Well as most on here say, this is something i never thought i would do. here it goes though. i don't know where to start so i'll try and be as brief as i from the beginning:

 

Married 5 years ago, almost 6. completely happy in the beginning. 2 months after we got married i thought something was up with a friend of min and my wife. i know he has cheated on his wife in the past, well i was right. took me about 5 months of digging and finally caught them, the only thing i couldn't prove was the sex part. they both lied to me all the time. his wife found out from me, and he would call me and say it was nothing to get divorced over. so i believed my wife there was no sex, at least that's what i told her. then about 4 months after that i finally got better evidence, confronted her again and she lied again, said no sex. well, i was paying for their hotel rooms because she charged them to her credit card, which i always paid for. i broke it off, married just over a year. we did the counseling thing for a little while, she didn't like it so we quit and i took her back. things got better, i forgave but never forget/forgot. needless to say, he was scared of me and i had heard they were moving but they didn't, still haven't run into him, crazy.

 

about 2 years later we have a little boy, love him to death, best thing ever! things were rocky off and on, i tried, i did my best. i would do romantic things, i say i love you all the time, etc. i mentioned counseling again, and that didn't happen. people could tell we weren't happy. we got a little better, talked about kids and things were getting better. she got pg a year ago this month. NOW, at work she had a female boss, things were good there. then they hired a new guy to oversee 2 depts. one was hers. they all hated him, her boss quit 3 months later because of him. there are 4 people in her dept, they all looked for new jobs but stuck it out. then she started to defend him, talk different about him, etc. i knew something was up. i was uncomfortable about it all, talked to her about it and she said it's her boss, she has to meet him, go on biz trips, etc. they went on 2 trips, just them. on the second trip, she was 7 months pg, i didn't like it. called her on the trip at night so our son could say goodnight, he was just getting good a talking and like to say goodnight. she would call back later, say she was in the shower, etc. then i'd call again and no answer. well, things continued, i tried, i put my family first. now, i wasn't always perfect, we had our problems mostly because i new something was going on and i changed a bit, started to question her more, etc. well, in jan i told her i wasn't happy, she said the same, i said i wanted a D and she just nodded. after that, i started to do a ton more, took care of both kids all the time, cooked, cleaned etc. thinking this would change some things and guilt would make her stop. it didn't happen!!! BTW, her mother was a big instigator and only her bad things about me so she was tell my wife what to do, it upset me. she disrespected me all the time and i let it go. well a few weeks ago i was getting out of a meeting, driving down the road that leads to her office from my house. there they were, driving together looking happy and probably laughing at me. they didn't see me, i called her and asked her what she did for lunch. so she did what she does best, lied. i busted her and she finally said he went with, then more lies. a week goes by and on monday night last week, i said i wasn't coming home. after several text message i said i want the truth! she FINALLY said it, said she had a weak moment on a trip with him!

 

a little background on this puke. he's 50 year old, fat guy with all grey hair, wife of 20 years, and 2 kids, one in high school one in grade school. i kicked her out, she has NO friends and i really mean that, none!! it's just her mom, that's it. so she went to stay with her mom 25 miles away and i kept the kids with me.

 

She said she loved him, had feelings for him and him the same. It makes me sick, literally sick to my stomach to think about. She of course now went to a counselor, after 2 weeks of not going to one because she said she was busy.

 

i told her if she lies to her mom this time like last time, because i'm the one that had to tell her mom about the first affair because she kept calling me and telling me to work it out with here daughter/my wife. so, she told her mom why she needed a place to stay, her mom called me about 20 times that night and i just ignored it, then i called back thinking something might have happened. she started to TELL me what was going to happen, a divorce, etc. i told her to shut up and stay out of our business, she has done enough! period! i'll talk you listen, so she did, for about 40 min i told her what i thought of her and how she made me feel and she instigated way to many issues in out life. like telling her daughter to move her money to her own account, what car to buy, don't listen to me, etc. those are just a few.

 

Well, her mom said she was sorry, and wrong about me, claims I’m now a saint for taking her back the first time and that her daughter just lies to her and she’s pissed at her. THEN she says she isn’t living with her, yet another way for her to get nosey in our lives. Where is she going to stay if she can’t stay with you , I asked. She said at home with her kids. SO, she’s been here ever sense because she said she didn’t want to inconvenience her mom!!!!

 

Sorry for the long story, so much more involved but that’s the gist. And sorry for the ramblings, I just don’t know how else to say it. Any advice on what to do? I’m now worried I’ll get sucked back in because of my 2 kids, one is 2.5 years old and the other now is 3.5 months old. It’s hard knowing I wont see my kids or my wife every day for the rest of my life.[/FONT]

[mark982]

sah, i'm sorry for your sitch. but it's no concern where yout wife lives,why subject yourself to her misery? i'd be informing his wife, her higher ups, the whole world, affairs thrive in secretcy. wife heres door, out you go.

[califnan]

You wish for your "wife" to be your wife, but she isn't in the Godly sense ..

 

I know you love her, but it seems that she cannot be trusted when Any other man enters her life.

 

Should you divorce her, the children may be partly raised by any piece of trash she may pick up in the future.

 

I think all that you can do for your sanity .. is to maintain two different bedrooms - and raise your children, until she leaves on her own.. (With her track record, she would probably leave when she gets a better deal) ... But for your children's sake, you are stuck with her unless she eventually leaves home, and hopefully leaves the children in your custody - or at least joint custody..

 

I am so sorry for your situation ... It will take time ..

[Sad and hurt]

You wish for your "wife" to be your wife, but she isn't in the Godly sense ..

 

I know you love her, but it seems that she cannot be trusted when Any other man enters her life.

 

Should you divorce her, the children may be partly raised by any piece of trash she may pick up in the future.

 

I think all that you can do for your sanity .. is to maintain two different bedrooms - and raise your children, until she leaves on her own.. (With her track record, she would probably leave when she gets a better deal) ... But for your children's sake, you are stuck with her unless she eventually leaves home, and hopefully leaves the children in your custody - or at least joint custody..

 

I am so sorry for your situation ... It will take time ..

 

Thanks for your reply. you are correct, i still love my wife with all my busted up heart. i worry for my kids, because i know some a-hole will enter her life and then be apart of my kids life. to which i will NOT take lightly. i'm a good man, with a good heart, don't typically care about me but care about others. it's just the way i'm wired, i guess to a fault. i want to lay next to my wife, hold her, touch her, talk to her. but she doesn't talk, doesn't do the things i think i need. too many people know what has happened, and i feel they will think i'm stupid for staying, IF i do. but she might leave me down the road anyway, even if i want to work on it and that will make it even worse.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you but you need to have a reality check. She was screwing your friend and neighbor 2 months into your marriage and putting your health at risk for STD's. You foolish forgave her apparently without any consequences and she has continued to do it with her boss. Apparently she takes great pleasure in making you play the total fool. Look if she couldn't be faithful 2 months into your marriage then you are seriously deluding yourself that she could be faithful. She has continued this pattern of behavior. I do not believe for a second it was only 1 time with the boss. I would seriously consider getting a paternity test on your children. My guess is that there is a good chance that she has never stopped cheating on your throughout the marriage. Clearly she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[califnan]

Thanks for your reply. you are correct, i still love my wife with all my busted up heart. i worry for my kids, because i know some a-hole will enter her life and then be apart of my kids life. to which i will NOT take lightly. i'm a good man, with a good heart, don't typically care about me but care about others. it's just the way i'm wired, i guess to a fault. i want to lay next to my wife, hold her, touch her, talk to her. but she doesn't talk, doesn't do the things i think i need. too many people know what has happened, and i feel they will think i'm stupid for staying, IF i do. but she might leave me down the road anyway, even if i want to work on it and that will make it even worse.

 

------------------------

 

It doesn't matter what Any other people know or think ... This is Your life..

 

I regret that with your great love and forgiveness for your wife - that you are hurting and for a person who is probably no more of comfort than a dept store dummy .. .. But with the knowledge that your wife has a free will, and is determined to live out an Extended irresponsible childhood .. there is nothing you can do but pray for her and continue to work on your marriage .. But in the meantime, Please go ahead with your life as well.. doing things with your children - that in itself can make a great life for you ..

[Sad and hurt]

I am so sorry for you but you need to have a reality check. She was screwing your friend and neighbor 2 months into your marriage and putting your health at risk for STD's. You foolish forgave her apparently without any consequences and she has continued to do it with her boss. Apparently she takes great pleasure in making you play the total fool. Look if she couldn't be faithful 2 months into your marriage then you are seriously deluding yourself that she could be faithful. She has continued this pattern of behavior. I do not believe for a second it was only 1 time with the boss. I would seriously consider getting a paternity test on your children. My guess is that there is a good chance that she has never stopped cheating on your throughout the marriage. Clearly she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

not with my neighbor, unless you know something i dont! and yes, the STD's were a concern for sure but all clean, at least back then. we are both 35 and her boss was 50 and i know he had an affair at his past job as well, i have ways of finding things out and he admitted to it. both kids are mine, they look just like me, well... at least people tell me that HA! i agree with you, she has no respect for me, neither did her family which makes it worse, she told them lies and only bad about me, nothing i did good and trust me, i did/do plenty of good.

[Sad and hurt]

no JT, i'm not OK with being the other man. i'm simply confused as to what to do, i love my 2 kids to death. love them enough where i will take the pain from them and transfer it to me, i will make my kids happy no matter what it takes. at this point i'm not sure what it will take, and there is only a 10% chance of my wife staying. i have filed for divorce and it takes some time here, and joint custody for both, split it all, just want/wanted out so i made it clean and simple. however, she said she didn't look it over and still hasn't so i can't force her, YET. i'm just worried her MOM will get involved because she did when her mom's brother got divorced, it was a messy custody battle and her mom has said repeated things about my kids, not turning them against my wife, and not depriving her of them, etc. i have never said anything of the sort to anyone, i have always said, joint custody and i keep the house i bought before we were married. clean and simple. there ARE KIDS involved!

thank you all so much for your input, it helps me whether it's good or bad.

[califnan]

Her mother can be a concern (or any woman who wishes to make the communitiy assets less than even) ..

 

But a judge will rule here (on behalf of both - and probably making things even)..and your attorney should already know how the judge will rule. I am glad you have filed for divorce.

 

In my opinion, your wife has signs of a woman who may very well give you more than your share of the children .. That is good news..

[Sad and hurt]

not to offend anyone but the kids are mine, it's a fact. i'd rather get some valuable input from people that have been in the same situation, how they did it, did you get through it, etc. hardest part for me right now is knowing i don't have a family anymore and i wont see my kids every day.

 

califnan, there is no lawyer, i did it on my own. all full agreement that it's joint cust, leave with what you came in with, etc. she's agreed to all that because she knows she didn't contribute anything. of course i'm a nice guy and will give her furniture, beds, etc, even buy crib for baby, etc to get her started. still stuck!!!!

[mark982]

sad, can understand wanting to do things yourself. BUT never hurt to spend a few buck and had a lawyer look over what you two agreeed to. better be save than sorry.

[jnj express]

If you can do the legal on your own----and you may spend a lot of time in the law library---but that's OK----FIGHT HER FOR PRIMARY CUSTODY----You may lose, but then again you may win----you can show she has abandoned the home----she sleeps around----As to child care, she is gonna have to work just like you----so you have a decent chance, especially with the older child.

 

You may love her, or think you do, (I don't know how someone loves a spouse who sleeps around and prefers others, and flaunts it----I am not sure what kind of love that is) But split homes would probably be better here, cuz of her history of cheating, you are never gonna trust her----and there is always gonna be tension in the home if you stay with her. Best to walk away.

 

As to her boss----"out" him to his wife, and to the company your work for----threaten them, and him with Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress-----Threaten the company especially with this as her boss does represent the company he works for------Go after him, for Alienation of Affection, and Criminal Conversation-----All of these you can file on your own----and he and his employer will all have to file answers, or default----you watch that stir up some problems for both the boss, and employer-----they will be at your doorstep real quick, looking to talk to you.-----take care of your kids and yourself.

[Sad and hurt]

If you can do the legal on your own----and you may spend a lot of time in the law library---but that's OK----FIGHT HER FOR PRIMARY CUSTODY----You may lose, but then again you may win----you can show she has abandoned the home----she sleeps around----As to child care, she is gonna have to work just like you----so you have a decent chance, especially with the older child.

 

You may love her, or think you do, (I don't know how someone loves a spouse who sleeps around and prefers others, and flaunts it----I am not sure what kind of love that is) But split homes would probably be better here, cuz of her history of cheating, you are never gonna trust her----and there is always gonna be tension in the home if you stay with her. Best to walk away.

 

As to her boss----"out" him to his wife, and to the company your work for----threaten them, and him with Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress-----Threaten the company especially with this as her boss does represent the company he works for------Go after him, for Alienation of Affection, and Criminal Conversation-----All of these you can file on your own----and he and his employer will all have to file answers, or default----you watch that stir up some problems for both the boss, and employer-----they will be at your doorstep real quick, looking to talk to you.-----take care of your kids and yourself.

 

wow, great feedback. thanks! i will say i haven't thought about the steps you mention above about the criminal steps, however, i have gotten him fired, for the simple reason my wife needs a job because i will NOT support her. they fired him on the spot for sexual harassment. i have told his wife, at least i think she knows. didn't talk directly to her but via email. i also called his house and talked to him. then he called a week later out of the blue to tell me to leave his family alone, she is leaving him, etc. BOO f'ing HOO is what i said. he wont work in the town again, its a big little city and word spreads fast here. the only thing i did do was consult my corp. attorney about how to go about it. then coach my wife on what to say and do. now, i'm considering a law suit for some of the items you stated above. thank you all for you input, believe it or not, it does help!

[mark982]

sad and hurt. it's nice to see that you're not just bending over and taking it. payback is a muther f'er.

[Fallen Angel]

no JT, i'm not OK with being the other man. i'm simply confused as to what to do, i love my 2 kids to death. love them enough where i will take the pain from them and transfer it to me, i will make my kids happy no matter what it takes. at this point i'm not sure what it will take, and there is only a 10% chance of my wife staying. i have filed for divorce and it takes some time here, and joint custody for both, split it all, just want/wanted out so i made it clean and simple. however, she said she didn't look it over and still hasn't so i can't force her, YET. i'm just worried her MOM will get involved because she did when her mom's brother got divorced, it was a messy custody battle and her mom has said repeated things about my kids, not turning them against my wife, and not depriving her of them, etc. i have never said anything of the sort to anyone, i have always said, joint custody and i keep the house i bought before we were married. clean and simple. there ARE KIDS involved!

thank you all so much for your input, it helps me whether it's good or bad.

 

File for joint legal but sole physical custody of the children. Gather proof of her infedelity and keep good records. Hire a lawyer immediately. The courts are just as likely to give the father custody these days as they are to give the mother custody. Her record of infedelity can be used to prove that living fulltime in her home could put them at risk of seeing her promiscuous activities.

 

You SHOULD NOT stay with your wife for the sake of the kids. It is an unhealthy relationship which will ultimately be more damaging to your children than a divorce will be.

[Fallen Angel]

If you can do the legal on your own----and you may spend a lot of time in the law library---but that's OK----FIGHT HER FOR PRIMARY CUSTODY----You may lose, but then again you may win----you can show she has abandoned the home----she sleeps around----As to child care, she is gonna have to work just like you----so you have a decent chance, especially with the older child.

 

You may love her, or think you do, (I don't know how someone loves a spouse who sleeps around and prefers others, and flaunts it----I am not sure what kind of love that is) But split homes would probably be better here, cuz of her history of cheating, you are never gonna trust her----and there is always gonna be tension in the home if you stay with her. Best to walk away.

 

As to her boss----"out" him to his wife, and to the company your work for----threaten them, and him with Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress-----Threaten the company especially with this as her boss does represent the company he works for------Go after him, for Alienation of Affection, and Criminal Conversation-----All of these you can file on your own----and he and his employer will all have to file answers, or default----you watch that stir up some problems for both the boss, and employer-----they will be at your doorstep real quick, looking to talk to you.-----take care of your kids and yourself.

 

I believe North carolina is the only state that has both of these options, and a suit for Alienation of Affection is possible in only seven states.

 

There is probably not much in the area of lawsuits he can use to go after the other man.

 

His focus should be on his children. Period.

[Richard Friedman]

When she cheated 2 months in, when couples are supposed to be in their so-called "honeymoon phase" you should have kicked her to the curb without hesitation. To have stayed with her, much less have kids with her shows you are either stupid, delusional, or sadomasochistic. And you and I both know that regardless of what any of us tell you you will not find it in you to remove this cancer from your life. Youll spend years hoping in vain that this whore will somehow magically transform into a proper wife. She'll always worm her way back in because you looooove her, despite the fact that she repeatedly plays you for a fool and doesn't even give you the common courtesy we give to strangers. This is because you're one of the guys who's been conditioned by society to believe that it's noble to live for everyone but himself, and one day you'll wake up and realize you only live once and you've squandered the best days of your life. When David Thoreau said men lead lives of quiet desperation he must've been describing guys like you bud.

[Sad and hurt]

wow, thanks richard (or should i say "dick") for the personal attacks you just made on me. always appreciate that rather than constructive criticism. in case you can't read i have stated i filed for divorce. it's not like i can tell the courts to rush it. and this "whore" as you say (which i believe as well) will always be apart of my life because we have 2 small kids together. thanks to the others for you input. obviously richard has some personal issues and likes to take it out on people rather than trying to help someone asking for it.