cdt76 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I've started dating again. I enjoy the time out and the company has been good, but I have a problem. I don't feel that connection like I did almost immediately with the ex. I fear that I may not be capable of it again, like I'm closing myself off from it or that maybe it was something special and now gone. Just need some advice about this thing. This sucks so bad.
duece22022 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 how long have you been single? You have to give it time. Eventually you will meet someone that you feel a connection with. Keep meeting people!
spriggig Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I fear that I may not be capable of it again, like I'm closing myself off from it or that maybe it was something special and now gone. It was something special, but not unique. The fact that you had it once should be proof to you that you can have it--and will be able to have it again with someone new. You found it once, you'll find it again. Good luck to you.
Author cdt76 Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 I've been single now since July 24th. I've dated here and there but something just isn't there anymore. Maybe I will find it. I am scared the walls are now so thick and high that I won't allow myself to feel anymore.
Rearden Metal Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I've been single now since July 24th. I've dated here and there but something just isn't there anymore. Maybe I will find it. I am scared the walls are now so thick and high that I won't allow myself to feel anymore. Hey buddy- I just started dating again, too. I have similar concerns. I think it's a normal, predictable response to the fallout of a relationship in which you were in love. It takes time to get over it. My good friend had a bad breakup last year. I pushed him hard to date again, and when he did he lamented how much it sucked. Then, one day, he met a great girl and started a new relationship (which is now 6 months strong). He told me last week, "Dating will suck. You will hate being there. You will think of your ex all night sometimes. You will not connect. Then, one day, it falls away and you open up again. If you don't go out and try, you won't ever get to that point". So that's what I'm doing. Got a date tonight. So here goes...
djentleman Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I still think it's too soon for me to begin dating, and I do fear the intial feeling of complete disconnection, aside from physical attraction. However, looking back, as much as I feel things just "clicked" from the start with my ex, in retrospect they really didn't. There was common ground for which we both stood, common interests, but there were just as many things I can think about in which we disagreed, didn't share the interest, and so on... This brings me to the realization that there was a lot of work involved. We grew together to enjoy certain things (e.g. movies, music, cuisine, activities, etc. etc.). But, somewhere along the lines, we mutually volunteered ourselves into a "lay off," one that's become permanent. A three-year relationship is all I know, but I'm not going to fool myself, and you shouldn't either. When you're ready to put in the work, and someone is willing to take it to the next level with you, remember that you control your feelings. You can love and feel that connection if you really want, and I can as well.
Rearden Metal Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I still think it's too soon for me to begin dating, and I do fear the intial feeling of complete disconnection, aside from physical attraction. However, looking back, as much as I feel things just "clicked" from the start with my ex, in retrospect they really didn't. There was common ground for which we both stood, common interests, but there were just as many things I can think about in which we disagreed, didn't share the interest, and so on... This brings me to the realization that there was a lot of work involved. We grew together to enjoy certain things (e.g. movies, music, cuisine, activities, etc. etc.). But, somewhere along the lines, we mutually volunteered ourselves into a "lay off," one that's become permanent. A three-year relationship is all I know, but I'm not going to fool myself, and you shouldn't either. When you're ready to put in the work, and someone is willing to take it to the next level with you, remember that you control your feelings. You can love and feel that connection if you really want, and I can as well. I have a similar memory about my last relationship, in that I remember we didn't "click" at all, and that we molded ourselves to fit the other.
DustySaltus Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 We all build walls. I probably built a castle. I went out on some horrible dates after my ex and I broke up. But every single day I tried to take a brick off that wall. Sure, my current GF can probably only see the top of my head right now, but I'm really trying to make an effort. Just try and do the same thing. Heal at your own pace, but don't shut yourself out from all the good people that believe it or not are out there.
Rearden Metal Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 We all build walls. I probably built a castle. I went out on some horrible dates after my ex and I broke up. But every single day I tried to take a brick off that wall. Sure, my current GF can probably only see the top of my head right now, but I'm really trying to make an effort. Just try and do the same thing. Heal at your own pace, but don't shut yourself out from all the good people that believe it or not are out there. What's this mean Dusty?
Author cdt76 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I did have that instant connection, a total attraction and it was completely consuming. I would imagine the main issue is that the feelings were so powerful and intense and energizing that now that she is gone, nothing seems to compare with what we had. It was like nothing I've ever experienced and it was everything I had ever dreamed of, minus the cold betraying person she turned out to be. I have spent many nights and days trying to figure out where to go from here. I guess I'm at a place where dating seems like too much work, too much heartbreak and too much emotional investment. I've read a lot on here of people reconnecting or getting an email or text or whatever from the ex. Mine left me and never called. Never emailed and never sent a single text. Like I did not exist and did not matter enough to be worthy of such a display of care. I've fought back from the anger and the depression and the questions about what went wrong and where I'm to go from here but I do not know the answers. I date and feel cold. I can cuddle with a new girl and feel nothing. I can kiss her and taste nothing. There is no passion or energy and I'm not sure if it will ever come back. My circle of friends is so small I have to meet girls online and it's just not what I want to do. Ugh.
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I don't feel that connection like I did almost immediately with the ex. I fear that I may not be capable of it again, like I'm closing myself off from it or that maybe it was something special and now gone. Just need some advice about this thing. This sucks so bad. Come on stud, your over thinking this wayyyyyyyyyyy to much. Your just out of the gate, now where close to full speed, not even to the first turn. it is a long race. It is simple horse sense. You just have not meet her yet. It may take a little time. Just because your ready, THE ONE who will be the girl that gets your hearts a flutter may not quite be. Be patient, she got a few things to do herself. So in the mean time, keep going out, getting to know people, getting to know yourself and polishing up your game so when she is ready so will you be.
Author cdt76 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 So what do I do in the mean time when this girl wants to get close?
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 So what do I do in the mean time when this girl wants to get close? You be honest with yourself and her about your feelings, if it means moving on and letting her find someone who can care for her like you did for your EX then you be the better man and let her. This is your heart telling you your not ready, and there is nothing wrong with that, it just important that your up front with that fact with yourself and those around you. In it seems like your simple not ready to be dating yet.
Author cdt76 Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Maybe you are right. Maybe I just haven't met the one I want to date.
DustySaltus Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 What's this mean Dusty? It means that I built a wall around myself but I try to take a brick off of it everyday. She's on one side of the wall, I'm on the other. The wall was about 15 feet high with barbed wire and now it's about 6 1/2 feet high...hence only being able to see the top of my head...it's a metaphor.
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 It means that I built a wall around myself but I try to take a brick off of it everyday. She's on one side of the wall, I'm on the other. The wall was about 15 feet high with barbed wire and now it's about 6 1/2 feet high...hence only being able to see the top of my head...it's a metaphor. The question is how do you know if she likes you for you or who she thinks you are? As grand pa' once said "if your can't tell the difference between a garter snake and a rattler, then stay out of those woods until your wiser"
DustySaltus Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 The question is how do you know if she likes you for you or who she thinks you are? As grand pa' once said "if your can't tell the difference between a garter snake and a rattler, then stay out of those woods until your wiser" Sounds like either way I'm a snake. She knows who I am because I've been honest with her at all times. She's chosen to stick with me. Women appreciate honesty and are intrigued by vulnerability...
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Sounds like either way I'm a snake. She knows who I am because I've been honest with her at all times. She's chosen to stick with me. Women appreciate honesty and are intrigued by vulnerability... It is not you who is the snake. What G' pa (that was the name he used for his Rap albums) was saying that unless you are ready and healed it is better to say away from putting yourself in a situation that your to be in. If you are to afraid that a new love will hurt you then you not ready to go to that place. And you are right if your honest with a women about where your at and what your able to give and they still want to be with you then that is their choice.
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