Ingenue Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I can't stop crying. They say that each successive break-up gets easier. But this one is just gut wrenching for me. I haven't stopped crying since about 4 in the morning when it happened. My story for context (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t226251/). I'm so sad and while I know it's a break, I don't think he can reconcile all of that chaos in his head to my satisfaction after a month. So I'm treating it like a break-up. It's just so sad for me because in 15 months we'd never had a fight. We never even had a disagreement. We were so compatible. I think that's what makes it harder. It isn't as a result of cheating or disinterest. We both still love each other so much. So how do you stop loving somebody who still loves you? How do I get over this one when it feels like my heart has been broken more than I can handle? I have so much stress in my life right now from other real life stuff, I don't even know if I can deal with this right now.
Author Ingenue Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 Now I don't even know if I/we made the right decision. Should we have just continued in our (really amazing) relationship with the hope that sometime down the road (like years), he'd reconcile all of the confusion in his head? We would have had the present and instead of worrying about the future, we could have enjoyed a few years together. I don't know. I just don't know why this mutual break is so much more painful than others. I guess it's because it's hard to give up the man you love when that man also loves you and circumstances just don't work. [ranting off]
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 You have to trust yourself and your decision. If he does not want the future you want you would never be happy if you gave that future up. It is better you find your own happiness then waste your life hoping he get past his theories, which seems more like justification for commitment issues then true analytical axiom. Your expectations was not unreasonable, he could not live up to them. You know your worth, you just need to remind yourself of that fact. Be kind to yourself.
Author Ingenue Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I know. We're on different pages and I would never attempt to change a partner's core beliefs. I either accept him as he is or not. I can hope that he'll reconcile everything on his own, on his own time. That's all I can do. He also acknowledges that he can't be selfish and hold onto me when he can't promise me the future that I seek. It's just particularly sad since I wasn't requesting something written in stone. I simply wanted a general indication that he was not averse to common-law or marriage (with anybody). It's just unfortunate. At least I've stopped crying now. Now I'm just numb.
monkeymaid Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 i have to ask an honest question. ...if you are getting your needs met, happy, love spending every day with that person, and there is no end in sight, what logical reason does a lack of wording make a breakup reasonable?? 15 months isnt so long. ...if it were 7 years i see it. maybe he wasnt ready to see it in plain english yet. im pretty confused as to this reasoning for a plit. ....i have to ask what is the story?? what happened with him that made you both decide to be apart???
Author Ingenue Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 i have to ask an honest question. ...if you are getting your needs met, happy, love spending every day with that person, and there is no end in sight, what logical reason does a lack of wording make a breakup reasonable?? 15 months isnt so long. ...if it were 7 years i see it. maybe he wasnt ready to see it in plain english yet. im pretty confused as to this reasoning for a plit. ....i have to ask what is the story?? what happened with him that made you both decide to be apart??? There's also the snag that he currently lives in a different city as me. We dated for about 8 or 9 months before he moved away and the last 7 months have been long distance. While the distance isn't that great, it has decreased the frequency of our visits. Both of us were fine doing the LD. But he will be in the new city for at least 6 years. At the very minimum 3 before he could move away. Fifteen months is not a long time to date. I wasn't even asking him to say if he could see himself with me in the future (as in marriage or common law). I simply asked him whether he could see himself being in a common-law or married state with anybody in the future. He couldn't because he believes that those institutions are ideological freedom quashers (not in the commitment phobe way), but beyond the liberal notion of freedom. It's difficult to explain, but I understand what he's saying. So he has these ideas, he doesn't know if they're right and he's trying to reconcile all of them together. Might he reconcile them on his own? Maybe but he's indecisive by nature, rendered paralyzed by constant thinking. So we're a bit on different paths. In the present, everything is awesome. But, do I still want to date him forever, perhaps living in the same city, but in different residences until I'm 50 years old? He would be okay with that. I don't think I am. I wasn't asking for him to promise me anything. I just wanted to know if he could see himself with anybody living together in the future. All dating people take that risk. Their current partner may want to get married, but she might not be the person he wants to marry. The difference is that she at least knows that he does want to get married. My BF couldn't even tell me if that's something he wanted. He wavered between, it's a dream quasher to being on the fence and not knowing. Should I have waited? Was I unreasonable?
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I know. We're on different pages and I would never attempt to change a partner's core beliefs. I hate to say it but as much as I suspect he enjoy you and your company, and may have actually thought he loved you, but these core beliefs were more about him just not being that into you then some well thought out, deeply profound beliefs. I could be wrong... but what I so know for sure You deserve someone who will swim a shark infested waters, climb a mountain, and wrestle wild bores to be with you. He is not that guy. If he truely loved you he would not let you walk away. The good news is now you can find the guy who knows better then to let you walk away. I wish you well.
unsaved Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Ingenue, I know how much this must hurt you. You sound like you love and care for this person very much. But, this boils down to the basic principles of what love and relationships are all about: Making each other happy and getting needs met in life. You have a need. He cannot fill that need. This makes you unhappy. You two, in fact, ARE NOT as compatible, as you say you are. I know it seems that you two fit on EVERY REALM of what relationships are about. But, he still doesn't fill this very important need that you have. You want to get married. You want a commitment. You DESERVE that! We all do. He is saying he cannot give that to you right now. It would be the same thing if you have a need to be with a man who practices the same religion as you or if you have a need to date someone who enjoys the same movies or likes to go hiking. In your case, you want a man who wants to marry you. Needs are important in relationships. If needs aren't getting met and couples are communicating and compromising to address those needs, then PROBLEMS start. Resentment, fighting, arguing, infidelity, distance. It goes downhill from there. Either way, marriage is obviously something that is important to you and you DESERVE someone who can and will give you that. You cannot sit here and wait for this guy to "make up his mind" or figure out all the endless "theories" he has in his head. Man, he sounds very troubled and this process for him could take YEARS of insight and experience. More than likely, it will be something he needs to do alone. And honestly, I truly feel that people who throw out the "I just don't want to get married" card only say that b/c of their own insecurities and BS. I truly believe that the majority of the time that someone says that, what they are really trying to say is that they haven't YET found someone that they're sure they want to make that kind of commitment with. You both have been together for awhile and he STILL hasn't figured that out. i just think it isn't worth you wasting any more of your time. I know this probably doesn't help in you getting over him. Time and space AWAY from him is all I can say. Go NC and don't look back. I PROMISE you will find someone who will fill every need you will ever have. Unsaved "Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew. Tom: Knew what? Summer: What I was never sure of with you."
unsaved Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Sorry, I read my post again and just wanted to be clear. I know that you weren't giving him an ultimatum or anything like he HAD to figure out if he wanted to marry someday or not. I see that you were just asking in a general sense. But what I see is, right now, he has it in his mind that he doesn't want to get married and he is NOT going to change that decision anytime soon (for possibly years, if EVER). Marriage is important to you and you deserve to be with someone who feels the same way. Therefore, you cutting off from him NOW is the BEST thing for you and will save you years of pain. He can't fill your need. If you would have stayed with him, you would've only gone through this YEARS later and involving MUCH MUCH more pain than what you are experiencing right now. Ok, that's all :-)
Author Ingenue Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I hate to say it but as much as I suspect he enjoy you and your company, and may have actually thought he loved you, but these core beliefs were more about him just not being that into you then some well thought out, deeply profound beliefs. I could be wrong... but what I so know for sure You deserve someone who will swim a shark infested waters, climb a mountain, and wrestle wild bores to be with you. He is not that guy. If he truely loved you he would not let you walk away. The good news is now you can find the guy who knows better then to let you walk away. I don't know if he's just not that into me. But the conviction with which he argues for his theories seems genuine. He's a guy who lives in his head and every decision for him is conflicted. I actually asked him, maybe your inability to state whether you could even see living with anybody was a result of "not being that into me". He said it wasn't as simple as that. Regardless, we're on a break, not a break-up. After a month, we're going to reassess things. But, knowing him the way I do, I don't believe he'll be able to reconcile anything to my satisfaction within a month. So I am mentally preparing myself that this is actually a prelude to the inevitable break-up. But what I see is, right now, he has it in his mind that he doesn't want to get married and he is NOT going to change that decision anytime soon (for possibly years, if EVER). Marriage is important to you and you deserve to be with someone who feels the same way. Therefore, you cutting off from him NOW is the BEST thing for you and will save you years of pain. He can't fill your need. If you would have stayed with him, you would've only gone through this YEARS later and involving MUCH MUCH more pain than what you are experiencing right now. I know that this is something he needs to reconcile on his own time, on his own terms. It could take years and I would have been extremely happy just dating him for years because he met my needs. But at the end of the day, if he couldn't even state if he wanted to live with somebody (with anybody), that put my future into more uncertainty than typical relationships have. I realize that I can't hope for something to happen. I have to accept what is in front of my face. It's why I brought up the break now rather than years down the road. It just really sucks right now because it seemed we were so compatible intellectually, personality wise, in chemistry - everything except this matter of living common-law. Who knows, maybe he'll ask himself all the right questions and at the end of the month, I may be posting about happier endings. Maybe, but I doubt it. Maybe he'll resolve all of these things years down the road and maybe I might still be single. As difficult as this is, I recognize that I needed to do this because this small thing of living together, is not something I can compromise on. I don't want to be one of those partners who wakes up 10 years down the road wondering "what if..." Logically I understand all of these things. It's too bad there are these pesky things called my emotions that seem to get in the way. It just sucks and I am incredibly sad over it.
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I don't know if he's just not that into me. But the conviction with which he argues for his theories seems genuine. He's a guy who lives in his head and every decision for him is conflicted. I actually asked him, maybe your inability to state whether you could even see living with anybody was a result of "not being that into me". He said it wasn't as simple as that. but then again he did not say no, sorry to say. I do wish you well.
Author Ingenue Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 but then again he did not say no, sorry to say. I do wish you well. Greyclouds, he actually did say no. He said "no, that's not it. It's not that simple". Then he asked me whether I believed in the whole idea of not being the one. I said I didn't it either. Neither of us believes there's a "one" out there. Both of us espouse the belief that there are certain people who are good fits for your life at certain times in your life. That person might not always be appropriate. Neither of us believes that there's this romantic Hallmark-ian notion of "the one". Regardless of what he believes and why he believes it, the end result is the same. He's not ready to live with anybody. Thanks for the well wishes. I'm going to need them.
monkeymaid Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 i agree with most of your thoughts, but i think when 2 people make up their mind that the other is the one they choose, then you have found it. ....you make a conscious decision to live love, cry and hurt together. just becasue you cant see it doesnt mean its not there!! change your POV, look at it differently some people i know will alwyas have a "grass is greenre" attitude. i happen to appreciate the intricacies of a complete commitment and eveything that goes along with that. the ups and downs. ...i know that without the downs, i cant appreciate the ups, and without the ups, i wouldnt be able to get through the downs. hate is love becasue you cant have one without knowing the other. its like a reference point. its like this. ...my ex EXPECTED me to take care of her as a married couple. pay for everything so she could not work ....i always wanted to, i was on track to, but when she started demanding it, and requiring verbal reassurance of it OFTEN, i turned off. i was going to give it to her,... a i was giving it to her, and happily! but when it became forced that i prove it on command, and she doubted me, she started telling me all of her expectations, i started ignoring her and distancing myself a bit. because she became demanding and required verbal reassurance about 3 times daily, and becasue i refused to give that to her, and becasue she refused to see all of the work i had put in thus far for our future, she distanced herself and started actively flirting with other men. ...i let her go . becasue she couldnt control her own mind, we had to be done. its not my responsibility to convince her to be with me. she ether wants to or she doesnt. if she could have had a little more confidence in herself, and me, and was able to mantain a commitment in a hard time, we would be fine, but she wasnt able to. someone said that he should climb moutnains and swim oceans, i agree, but what happens if the other person refuses to see it?? jst becasue he didnt verbalize how he was going to do it, didnt mean he wasnt already doing it... maybe im projecting, but i dont see the necessity to leave a happy situation becasue of a lack of verbal reasoning. ...you were happy, why stop being happy?
Author Ingenue Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 i agree with most of your thoughts, but i think when 2 people make up their mind that the other is the one they choose, then you have found it. ....you make a conscious decision to live love, cry and hurt together. I should clarify my position that I don't have a grass is greener attitude. I'm not a serial spark chaser. But I do believe that there's no one person in your life. There are many. There are people who you would move mountains for as a teenager but not 10 years later. There are people who you can term "the one" that fit in your life in certain times because they're right at that time. Who I dated when I was younger, seemed like "the one" at the time, but now would never qualify as that. I'm a different person. I have different needs. I'm at a different point in my life. That doesn't mean that the relationships I've had are less committed. In any relationship, I am fully committed. It's just that people come into your life for a reason. For me, I just happen to believe that there are many "ones" that come into your life. When your spouse passes, you meet another "one". When you break up with "the one", you may meet another "one". They're all great people who feel like the one at that time. someone said that he should climb moutnains and swim oceans, i agree, but what happens if the other person refuses to see it?? jst becasue he didnt verbalize how he was going to do it, didnt mean he wasnt already doing it... maybe im projecting, but i dont see the necessity to leave a happy situation becasue of a lack of verbal reasoning. ...you were happy, why stop being happy? I think there's a difference here. I acknowledge that my BF is amazing. I was happy, completely content. But for me, as another poster said, one of my goals is to eventually live with a man. It doesn't have to be married, but I do want to have companionship with another person in the same house. I want to wake up with a man who can wrap his arms around me and give me a kiss. While I can undoubtedly be completely content with my bf for years having our relationship the way it is, how long do I stay in a relationship where I know that there is no possibility for that future I want? He does not want to even live common-law with any person (forget about me, anybody). I don't know what I should or shouldn't do. Should I wake up 10 years from now, in my own house and call my bf in his own house and say "hey baby, want to go on a date tonight"? Or, do I see if there's somebody more compatible for me who doesn't see living with me as a freedom quasher and doesn't mind waking up with me and telling me he loves me, not because he's obligated to, but because he wants to? I know my BF. He would be perfectly content dating me and only me for the next 30 years of his life. He just doesn't want to live with anybody. I don't think this is something I can compromise on. But maybe I shouldn't look to the future. Maybe I should enjoy the present because we are extremely compatible. We espouse the same views, we hate the same things, we complain about the same things. I feel completely comfortable with him. Maybe I need to work through this with him. These are all things I need to think about during this "break". I don't know. I really don't know.
Author Ingenue Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 I am in a sorry state, more pathetic than even I realized. I haven't eaten in a days. I haven't worked out in days. I haven't really showered. I'm sleeping so much and I'm just all around lethargic. This is horrible. I need to get up and just move on already. Ughh
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