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Posted

Dear friends



I am in desprate need of advice as i found my wife whith who i am living for 20 years running an affair behind my back for past 2 years.

I suspected something so opend her mail and found the pictures and mails

She accepted it and now saying she will never repeat it.

But my trust is broken,and even after 6 months now i not seem to have forgoten the matter.We are living apart now but she asking again and again for a chance and want to live with me.

I am confused as when i look inside i find that somewhere i still love her but after seeing her i feel anger and remorse.Not know what to do

Pls advice and very soon as i have to make decison

Thanks

Posted

Stay apart, for the time being. You haven't had enough time to sort out your feelings, and are still in anger mode. How do you know the A is over? What proof has she given you that she is no-longer in contact with the other man? Is this the only affair she has had? These questions have to be answered by her,and she needs to be completely honest with you, if you even suspect her of lying, dump her at once.

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Posted
Stay apart, for the time being. You haven't had enough time to sort out your feelings, and are still in anger mode. How do you know the A is over? What proof has she given you that she is no-longer in contact with the other man? Is this the only affair she has had? These questions have to be answered by her,and she needs to be completely honest with you, if you even suspect her of lying, dump her at once.

Yes i am sure its over as the man lives far from our city and not often come here.and from past 6 months she living with her parents so have no chance to meet.

Is this only affair? that i think no one can be sure,but inside i think it is.

Is she honest now that you tell me how can i be sure?

Posted

That she did it for two years tells me that she isn't regretting what she was doing - she had PLENTY of time for that - as much as she regrets that she got caught.

Posted

only reason she's sorry, is cause she got caught, and is having to face life alone. also who's pushing you to make a desision?

  • Author
Posted
only reason she's sorry, is cause she got caught, and is having to face life alone. also who's pushing you to make a desision?

No one pushing me .Its the time we have already gone through nearly 6 months now,Have to make some decison cant go on like this.

leoo225

Posted

I am sorry but I agree with the previous posters Leo. She was screwing around on you, cheating and putting your health at risk for STD's for 2 years. She totally humiliated, disrespected you and made you to look like a complete fool. She stopped because she was caught. Otherwise she would still be doing this. She wishes to come back probably because she does not like living with her parents. Her two years of having sex with her lover behind your back shows she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You do not have to settle for this. You deserve more, don't you?

Posted
She stopped because she was caught. Otherwise she would still be doing this.

 

I'd not be so certain she has stopped, were I him.

Posted

In my situation she cheated almost 3 yrs.

we were married for 4.

Technically still married but have been seperated almost a yr.

Just waiting for the courts now.

 

She was sorry she got caught.

After she was caught she lied & pretended she wanted to work it out.

She was still cheating.

 

I cannot ever trust her again.

 

I doubt you will ever trust your wife again either.

 

You can take her back if you want, but can you honestly say you trust her not to do it again?

 

2 yrs is a long time to screw somebody behind your back.

Posted

You need to consider that anyone who can carry on a clandestine affair for two years is someone very skilled at deception. Not only was she able to cover her tracks for a long time in a technical sense, but she did it without cracking mentally, either. No guilt, no remorse. She only stopped when she was caught. If she were a criminal and you a judge, would you give her a light sentence? I wouldn't.

 

You need to kick this woman to the curb. She'll just do it again.

Posted
You need to consider that anyone who can carry on a clandestine affair for two years is someone very skilled at deception. Not only was she able to cover her tracks for a long time in a technical sense, but she did it without cracking mentally, either. No guilt, no remorse. She only stopped when she was caught. If she were a criminal and you a judge, would you give her a light sentence? I wouldn't.

 

You need to kick this woman to the curb. She'll just do it again.

Hi Leo... I am going through a similar situation as you. You really need to sit down with your wife and speak with her. Get to the root of the infidelity and why it happened. I agree with the other people who offered feedback. The only reason she is remorseful at this point is because she was caught and the affair is not longer "fun." The truth of the matter is there are many issues you need to address within yourself. In my case, I decided I am worth more and expressed that to my mate. I also asked expressed to her the decision she made to look for something in someone else was a poor decision. Why? Let's say... hypothetically... you give your wife 80% of what she needs but she is lacking the other 20%. She went out to look for the 20% in another man which means she's will have to work 4 times as hard to find the 80% that she had with you. Ask her if it was wiser to seek the 20% or wiser to pursue an affair then try to find the 80% she had with you. In closing, share with her now the affair has been discovered and the 80% she had with you had been reduced to 20% or less. So was it worth it to take a 20 year investment and reduce it to a percentage of what it once was? Determine if she is truly remorseful or seeking comfort. Her actions and body language will dictate the truth versus her words. Take the time you need for yourself to search your heart and clear your mind. Finally, pray to God about your situation and ask him to guide you.

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Posted
Hi Leo... I am going through a similar situation as you. You really need to sit down with your wife and speak with her. Get to the root of the infidelity and why it happened. I agree with the other people who offered feedback. The only reason she is remorseful at this point is because she was caught and the affair is not longer "fun." The truth of the matter is there are many issues you need to address within yourself. In my case, I decided I am worth more and expressed that to my mate. I also asked expressed to her the decision she made to look for something in someone else was a poor decision. Why? Let's say... hypothetically... you give your wife 80% of what she needs but she is lacking the other 20%. She went out to look for the 20% in another man which means she's will have to work 4 times as hard to find the 80% that she had with you. Ask her if it was wiser to seek the 20% or wiser to pursue an affair then try to find the 80% she had with you. In closing, share with her now the affair has been discovered and the 80% she had with you had been reduced to 20% or less. So was it worth it to take a 20 year investment and reduce it to a percentage of what it once was? Determine if she is truly remorseful or seeking comfort. Her actions and body language will dictate the truth versus her words. Take the time you need for yourself to search your heart and clear your mind. Finally, pray to God about your situation and ask him to guide you.

Dear friend

You are the first person who is asking me to sit and think about working it out,as i told before she has come back to me and trying to workit out

I just want to know what happened in your case has you worked it out or

not .Your reply will help me lot,as inside i stilllove her but my anger is not going away.

LEOO225

Posted

Leo, nobody is telling you to leave her, lightly. We are advising you to the best of our knowledge. If she disrespects you and doesn't love you enough to conduct a 2 year affair, then the chances of you reconcileing are very slim.

Posted

Hey Leo---It is not you who needs to show remorse----she needs to show heavy remorse, and contriteness---along with complete transparency.

 

If you do take her back down the line----there must be strict boundaries in place, that if she violates, you will implement stiff consequences.

 

If this guy lives far from your wife----how were they getting together??? Do not forget she put you 2nd best for the whole 2 yers, that is not something you take lightly.

 

For 2 yrs. she has come home every night looked you right in the eyes, and said everything was fine and normal, even while she was carrying on her affair. She is a master of deceit, she is a conniving liar, and she is a manipulator. Is this someone you wanna spend the rest of your life with.

 

She can beg and plead and whatever else----This is your ballgame, to be played by your rules. Take your time, think about everything----especially think about the future with her---will you be able to handle not knowing what she is doing when she is away from you, knowing she is very capable of deceit. You are never gonna trust her----what happens if you catch her in simple unrelated lies. Staying with her will be very hard----are you willing to go thru the R.

Posted

Leo - Most of us have been there. We tried to work it out. We sometimes somewhat got them to come back but once we did we realized they were either still cheating or we were constantly looking for any more evidence of cheating.

 

also, the cheater did not want to own up to their cheating. You did not make her cheat.

She choose to do that.

If life with you was so bad why didn't she just leave you for the OM?

 

Think about that.

 

You do what you want. I am just telling you the result of my wife's affair.

Posted

Pls advice and very soon as i have to make decison



 

Thanks

 

divorce her.

 

because if you don't, you will constantly from this point on be suspicious of anything she does...even if you decide to forgive her, you will always wonder about her and the affair will always be in the back of your mind.

 

thats no way to live.

 

get a lawyer, and serve her walking papers.

Posted
only reason she's sorry, is cause she got caught, and is having to face life alone.

 

exactly!!!!!!!!!

Posted
Dear friend

You are the first person who is asking me to sit and think about working it out,as i told before she has come back to me and trying to workit out

I just want to know what happened in your case has you worked it out or

not .Your reply will help me lot,as inside i stilllove her but my anger is not going away.

LEOO225

Hi Leo... the journey has been difficult but she has been extremely remorseful and apologetic. Why? Because everyone she considers important knows of her unfaithfulness... our family, her parents, mutual friends, etc. The other side of my situation is she shattered her kneecap so she spends a lot of time alone thinking about how she damaged our relationship and trust. When she talks to me... she looks into my eyes and holds my hand. Anytime we have a misunderstanding or argument... she apologizes for her part in the argument and for adding to the pain. To be honest... I feel like I am crying invisible tears which no one can wipe away. I think about who, what, where, when and why... so I decided to write a daily journal which has been extremely helpful to me. I will be honest with you... if your wife is not remorseful and acts as if she was entitled to the infidelity in any manner... do not even consider the relationship until she receives "successful" individual counseling... you find out what she learned and the two of you receive some level of couples counseling. If she is serious about reconciling, there will be no secrets, apprehensions, or limitations on her offering you comfort in times of distress and emotional need.

  • Author
Posted
Hi Leo... the journey has been difficult but she has been extremely remorseful and apologetic. Why? Because everyone she considers important knows of her unfaithfulness... our family, her parents, mutual friends, etc. The other side of my situation is she shattered her kneecap so she spends a lot of time alone thinking about how she damaged our relationship and trust. When she talks to me... she looks into my eyes and holds my hand. Anytime we have a misunderstanding or argument... she apologizes for her part in the argument and for adding to the pain. To be honest... I feel like I am crying invisible tears which no one can wipe away. I think about who, what, where, when and why... so I decided to write a daily journal which has been extremely helpful to me. I will be honest with you... if your wife is not remorseful and acts as if she was entitled to the infidelity in any manner... do not even consider the relationship until she receives "successful" individual counseling... you find out what she learned and the two of you receive some level of couples counseling. If she is serious about reconciling, there will be no secrets, apprehensions, or limitations on her offering you comfort in times of distress and emotional need.

Dear friend

Remorsfull and apologetic she is that i am sure and one more thing i want to tell you ,she has the support of her parents and family because we have talked about divorce with them without telling the real problem.So she has house and a job also have been arranged for her so that she not have any problems.But she has this time again come and said that she wanted to start over again.

And one thing confuse me a lot she still stuck to one thing that she had only one time physical sex in all this time and is also readt totake ant test i want her to.

What to do trust or not?

Posted
Dear friend

Remorsfull and apologetic she is that i am sure and one more thing i want to tell you ,she has the support of her parents and family because we have talked about divorce with them without telling the real problem.So she has house and a job also have been arranged for her so that she not have any problems.But she has this time again come and said that she wanted to start over again.

And one thing confuse me a lot she still stuck to one thing that she had only one time physical sex in all this time and is also readt totake ant test i want her to.

What to do trust or not?

 

counseling will help with the anger and resentment you have for her. don't make any decisions until you have worked thoroughly through counseling.

Posted

2sunny's post is spot on. Get MC first, before you make any irrevocable decisions.

Posted

sure her familys giving her lots of support. they don't have a clue of whats going on. bet they would change their tune if they knew.

Posted

Speak to a lawyer and counsellor and talk over the pros and cons of divorce. IMO once someone has had a full-blow affair (not just a one-off kiss or something) the marriage is over. You will NEVER trust her again. I would suggest leaving her for good.

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