Ex girlfriend in rebound relationship?

[brownking]

Hi, I'm sorry if my post seems a bit amateur, but this will be my first post ever on this site.

 

About 3 months ago on December 27th, 2009, my ex girlfriend whom I was with for 2.5 years broke it off with me. I was extremely heartbroken and devastated. I was very in love with her, and felt that we could make this relationship last a very long time. I always think about her, even today. I did all the natural reactions to it, begging, pleading, etc. I believe we were a great couple, we were happy for a very long time, it's just that University began for both of us in September 2009, and I did not get to see her all that much. Our universities are 30-40 minutes apart, but I always lived at home which is about 10-15 minutes from her home (we live in the same city).

 

So I thought everything was going fine, we did have some rough patches, but we always worked it out. I was never abusive, I was always nice to her and was loving. After the break up she told me that she did not want to be in a relationship at the time, because it was affecting her school work in a negative way. She told me she just stopped loving me. That's all. She told me she couldn't handle a long distance relationship, but the thing was, I didn't think it was long distance. I believe she felt it was long distance because I was the one going to the University which was 30-40 minutes away from hers which was about 10 minutes from her home.

 

However, 4 days after the break up, I went to her house just to drop off my late Christmas card and gift. I didn't want to throw it away, so I told her I'd just leave it on the porch or in the mailbox. So I went to her house to drop off, and this was on New Years Eve. So it was about 10pm, and as I pulled up to the side of the road about one house down from hers, I saw her (I recognized her white hat) and I saw her with another guy whom we both knew, but she was good friends with him. I only met him a few times, but he seemed like a nice guy.

 

They didn't see me though, they were walking in the opposite direction on the sidewalk. I was pretty devastated. I left my card and gift on her porch and went home. So I confirmed later that night (after the new year) that she in fact was with that other guy she was good friends with. I was so heart broken, I cried so much that night and slept on uncomfortable floor. I cried at least once a day for the first 2 weeks after our break up.

 

So we were texting each other one night (january 6th), and she was saying she misses me, and misses doing things with me such as cuddling and the sort. And the next day (january 7th), she told me that she was now with that new guy whom she was good friends with. After that I made connections in my head, such as; she was pretty close with him for the last month of our relationship. I asked her why she started dating him, and she said that she was super depressed, and near suicidal. Now I was very confused at that point, because I was the one that got dumped, not her. But I assumed my begging and pleading made her feel very guilty, I did not mean for that! It was just my natural reaction However, so I tried to be her friend, but I always had images in my head of her being with that new guy. And it just hurt, talking to her and imagining that. I still have very strong feelings for her, but in mid february, I started to try NC. However, I did still talk to her every couple or few days. I knew that wasn't good, because my heart hurt after everytime talking to her, I don't know why. She never said anything hurtful, just, I just miss her so much.

 

I've never asked her about her new boyfriend. I've been doing quite a bit of reading on the internet, and I know I'm going to focus on myself! I've started working out again to improve my image. Anyhow, up until Last monday (a week ago) I've been doing a crappy job of NC. Because we usually chat on MSN Messenger and I've been trying to appear offline a lot, but sometimes I'd go on late at night, and she'd be appearing offline and then message me. So I'm like "aw crap.. back to square one". And if I'm not on MSN, some days she would have texted me, and silly me would just text back.

 

But a week ago, I decided that I MUST do strict NC or I won't get anywhere. She has texted me a couple times in that week, but I did not reply. She sent me several offline messages, and yet, I did not reply. I wanted to, badly. But I know I have to resist. So during my crappy NC job from mid february to last monday, she signed into my MSN (I could tell because she was the ONLY other person that knew my password, and my MSN was set to appear offline, so she probably assumed I was at school and offline, but I was not). I don't know why she would have. But, just about an hour ago, I'm positive she signed into my MSN again! Yes I am appearing offline and have not gone online at all. Oh! And in her offline messages in this past week, she said things such as that she really misses me, she hopes I'm doing well, that I'm an amazing guy, and she also said sorry for being a bitch (I'm assuming she meant breaking my heart and going to the other guy less than 2 weeks later).

 

I'm sorry for such a long post, but is she in a rebound relationship? She has been with that guy for almost 3 months now. And yet, I still feel hope for us for some reason. Is there still a chance with her again? If she wanted to get back together one day, I would love to, but she would REALLY have to show she cares and wants us to work or else I won't buy it. I've been reading quite a bit on this site, and read that a lot of rebounds don't work out, but some of them can last for quite a while. I just don't know what to do. Well, I know that I'm dedicating myself to focus on myself, but... I still hurt.

 

One more thing, about 16 days ago, we did go to the movies (I think that was a stupid mistake). I asked her to go, and she agreed. During the movie she was tired apparently, and kept putting her head on my shoulder, then taking it off, then putting it back on. And a couple of times during the movie, I felt her kiss my shoulder. I didn't know what to think of it, so I just took it as nothing. I know we all wish for that day where our exes would just come running back. Well some of us.

 

I hope you guys can give me some good feedback (any feedback is a great help). Thanks!

Edited March 29, 2010 by brownking

[Macaw]

I've been through (and seen plenty of this happen to close friends of mine) a very similar position to yours. You didn't specify age, but from the looks of your topic, you both are very young, maybe still in the late teens, early twenties.

 

Between the dreadful age of 17-24, it's unfortunaly rather common for young adults to do a lot of soul searching and stupid mistakes in the process. From what you've told, it is my opinion that she broke up with you because she realized she might've been happier with the new guy. She searched on other men for the things she misses in you, and when she found those, didn't take long to notice that all the good things you had, this new guy lacked. And that the good things you had probably outweighted the things you didn't by a lot.

 

Accepting to go alone with you to the movies should be your first huge clue. Leaning on your shoulder, the second. It doesn't get more obvious than kissing your shoulder unless she makes out with you, that she wants you back.

 

Reconciliation is a possibility, but you should make her work for it, and do it on your terms. Trust will take longer to build than the first time around and she should be ready to accept the consequences of it. And you should do a lot of thinking on your own to see if she's worth giving another chance, or if she's the kind of girl that will break up with you again once the relationship gets dull and falls into routine again, which is a phase every mature relationship goes through.

[DustySaltus]

Since when is being 30-40 minutes away considered a LDR? It takes me that long to get to work everyday but you don't see me quitting my job...

 

When a relationship loses it's excitement there are two ways you can go. You can both work to try and rekindle that spark or you can quit on the relationship and find someone new, which she did.

 

She has issues with depression but is now ok with the new guy? Is he a psychologist? Probably not.

 

So here we have a girl that is using distance, "spark" and depression as a cop out. Sounds like she is the one with the issues as you were willing to work through them.

 

However, a second chance CANNOT work unless the problems that led to the breakup are addressed by both people and a real effort is made to correct them. She hasn't done that, she's moved on.

 

Whether or not it's a rebound relationship....who cares? I sat around for months after a breakup wondering whether or not things would work out. During that time I met a couple of GREAT women that I just let pass me by. I didn't start the clock on my life again. You need to start that clock back up.

 

Stop contacting her in ANY WAY. Remove her from FB, MSN, email, text, phone and all of that. Disappear. She was dishonest with you and quit on you, don't reward her for that.

 

Unless she comes back and says she made a huge mistake and is willing to drive 150 miles every day to be with you....if that's what it takes, you have NOTHING to talk about. Again, focus on yourself and open up your eyes. You'll be ok.

[brownking]

First of all, thank you so much for the replies so far. Well she stated that being with the new guy made her happy because she was feeling depressed, and I know she is happy with him now. Oh, and also, we are both 18 years old. I feel pretty young compared to a lot of others on this site, I hope that's alright.

 

But man... okay well, last night she sent me more offline messages on MSN messenger, and she said that since she hasn't talked to me in a while that she is starting to forget me. And then she said she's going to type out everything she remembers about me. And she did. She typed out exactly 100 things she remembers about me. I'm actually really flattered! and I want to break NC, because I'm afraid she will forget me forever. But I know I should not. I didn't know NC would be this difficult.

[djentleman]

If she's telling you she's starting to forget you, but proceed to follow-up with 100 things about you/moments you've shared together, then take that for what it is: a front.

 

Don't buy into it and don't flatter yourself over it.

[DustySaltus]

First of all, thank you so much for the replies so far. Well she stated that being with the new guy made her happy because she was feeling depressed, and I know she is happy with him now. Oh, and also, we are both 18 years old. I feel pretty young compared to a lot of others on this site, I hope that's alright.

 

But man... okay well, last night she sent me more offline messages on MSN messenger, and she said that since she hasn't talked to me in a while that she is starting to forget me. And then she said she's going to type out everything she remembers about me. And she did. She typed out exactly 100 things she remembers about me. I'm actually really flattered! and I want to break NC, because I'm afraid she will forget me forever. But I know I should not. I didn't know NC would be this difficult.

 

You haven't gone NC at all. You've been looking at her messages and reading through 100 things. She's doing this to make HERSELF feel better. DELETE HER, stop with the "offline" nonsense.

 

No one is forgetting anyone. It's about moving forward and learning from this to be better in your next relationship.

 

Don't be flattered, be upset that she is writing out all of these things while she CONTINUES TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

 

Look at her ACTIONS, not her words. NC is not easy at all, it's VERY hard. But at the end of the day you have to let yourself heal instead of going through the same pain over and over and over again.

[Silver_star]

Hi, I'm sorry if my post seems a bit amateur, but this will be my first post ever on this site.

 

About 3 months ago on December 27th, 2009, my ex girlfriend whom I was with for 2.5 years broke it off with me. I was extremely heartbroken and devastated. I was very in love with her, and felt that we could make this relationship last a very long time. I always think about her, even today. I did all the natural reactions to it, begging, pleading, etc. I believe we were a great couple, we were happy for a very long time, it's just that University began for both of us in September 2009, and I did not get to see her all that much. Our universities are 30-40 minutes apart, but I always lived at home which is about 10-15 minutes from her home (we live in the same city).

 

So I thought everything was going fine, we did have some rough patches, but we always worked it out. I was never abusive, I was always nice to her and was loving. After the break up she told me that she did not want to be in a relationship at the time, because it was affecting her school work in a negative way. She told me she just stopped loving me. That's all. She told me she couldn't handle a long distance relationship, but the thing was, I didn't think it was long distance. I believe she felt it was long distance because I was the one going to the University which was 30-40 minutes away from hers which was about 10 minutes from her home. !

Doesnt this answer any questions you havve? Dont you deserve love?

If you care about her great...respect her choice and let her go. Start to heal yourself. You deserve more than she can give u