Expiry Date

[Leia]

This isn't unique to Islam or Arabs either. It's an issue I've seen with a bunch of different cultures. A few years back, my EX girlfriend's roomate, who was asian, started dating a black guy. After a few months, she told him she didn't want to tell her parents or let him meet her parents because they wouldn't approve. She told him she didn't agree with her parents but didn't want to cause trouble He was understandable hurt and, after some talk, they broke up.

 

It happens with some other races, as I have stated above.

 

The bottom line is it's insulting to tell someone, "I don't like you enough to deal with my racist parents." Even if you don't know if the relationship will work, it's still a very hurtful thing to do to someone. As I said, there's nothing wrong with a time limit on a relationship but I think it's hard to be with someone who tells you that you'll never be worth it for them to deal with this situation.

 

It is but you're not in my relationship so I don't you really get it or rather, you can't empathize.

 

Great logic. "We fullfilled our parental obligation so you are now obligated to pay us back with THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."

 

It does happen. I'm not surprise, just didn't think it would happen to me. I have an aunt that feels this way too. Both my cousins are married to her choices and surprisingly, they are happy. It's not something I wouldn't be happy with though.

 

Was he serious? I mean, this seems so incredibly disrespectful to you (and the hypothetical bride).

 

He was joking cos we were crying and saying silly things to one another. I asked him some hypothetical questions as well

 

Maybe love is a choice as well as an emotion. Maybe you have to chose to love someone. I don't think you can say that you love someone when you've made the choice to ditch then whenever your mother tells you to. I don't think you'd drag someone you love to the airport to meet their replacement.

 

Some people put their family first, does not make them less of a person.

[Leia]

You're drop-dead, is what you are:laugh: Race is beside the point. But I can very much understand your predicament. There are many Muslim South- east Asians, Indonesia, Malaysia, even as far west as the Phillipines , and Oriental Muslims are looked on as different. Just like African Muslims. It's really old-fashioned thinking, and many Muslims want to change these attitudes, but few want to be the first to do so.

 

Thanks. Race is but for some people, it isn't. You are right about that. Many would like to change but just wouldn't. My bf's friend is seeing a Chinese woman and she converted and they got married. But she knows that as soon as he is done with his doctorate here, they will have to divorce cos he knows his family wouldn't approve of her.

[counterman]

Dearest Leia, I really do hope this works out for you. I have friends who have to marry within their nationality as well, particularly my Indian ones and I think they have accepted that. I, personally, do not think race matters when it comes to this and, luckily, I do not have that restriction from my family or parents. However, some traditions are self-imposed.

 

You both obviously love each other. What I think you should do, even though it seems daunting, is meet his mother with your boyfriend. It is better to try and know what would happen rather than asking what if. It is better to take a chance, even if it seems as though she will disapprove for sure. My God, it is a scary thought but that's what must be done to know if the both of you have a chance or not. In saying all of that, your boyfriend must want to go through with it as well...

 

Hope all else is well.

[bayouboi]

I don't know why someone would let their parents dictate who they can and can't spend the rest of their life with if they truly love someone other than the parent's choice. Don't get me wrong, I understand honoring your father and mother, but I think that would apply only to matters that directly concern them. Is there a chance that in the back of his mind he is using his parents as an excuse?

[Leia]

Thanks, counterman. I hope so too but at this moment, I don't even know how I feel. I don't have a problem with that either, not my family but when it comes to marrying another religion that could be a problem. Also, I have relatives that are totally against any younger generation marrying a non-Muslim. My parents are fine but my father can be quite strict when it comes to that.

 

Part of me wants to meet his family, just to see what's the big deal about the mother wanting him to marry within their own race.

 

At the same time, I feel like we are both pressured by our studies and being hard on ourselves with a lot of things going on.

 

I don't know why someone would let their parents dictate who they can and can't spend the rest of their life with if they truly love someone other than the parent's choice. Don't get me wrong, I understand honoring your father and mother, but I think that would apply only to matters that directly concern them. Is there a chance that in the back of his mind he is using his parents as an excuse?

 

No, I know it isn't just an excuse. There's no reason for him to lie to me. We've always been open with another, telling eachother things that bother us even if it hurts for a while.

[St. Nick]

Leia, the guy doesn't sound like he's able to stand up to his folks. On the one hand, family togetherness is cool, on the other hand, being unable to stand for what you believe in against your family is not cool. He sounds like a mama's boy, and that's never a good thing. Even if he's able to somehow get his mother's approval, that's not a good thing. I'm assuming he's a grown man; if so, he shouldn't be able to say, "This is what I'm doing with my life, and I've made my decision irregardless of what my family thinks".

 

If he can't stand up to his family now then there's gonna be many problems in the future. I know many people, male and female, who have a spouse that's unable or unwilling to stand up to domineering family members. The interference of these family members always ends up poisoning future happiness and causes a ton of emotional stress that isn't even necessary.

 

You need to be with a guy that is able to stand up to his family members, not a guy who needs directions from his family members on how to run his life.

[Leia]

He is after all, furthering his studies cos his parents asked him to

 

Family-oriented people are cool. I don't have a problem with that but yea, mama's boy is hard to deal with.

 

This is not something that came up recently, he told me about cultural differences BUT we both decide we would wait until his mother come to visit and see how it goes from there. That was before we found out 2 weeks ago that his mother disapproves of his bro's relationship with a Kazakhstan girl. He was very down about that [he found out a week earlier] and tried to tell his mother to give his bro a chance but she said he should talk to his bro and sorted it out with him. She said the last thing she wants is for their father to find out about it.

 

He is a grown man but he is well, 25. He is spoiled by his parents. I have a feeling that even if we do end up together, his family will always come first [especially his parents]. I know he talks a lot about his younger sister and how amazing, incredible, intelligent girl she is and that he would DO ANYTHING for her.

 

We were talking about something the other day and it turned into a heated argument. Then somehow, I said something and he took it the wrong way. He thought I was talking crap about his mother and he went crazy. After I explained to him that it wasn't about HIS MOTHER, he apologised but said that he wouldn't take any crap from people if they talked crap about her mother.

 

Right now he feels pressured with studies and he said he wants to quit his PhD [if he could, that is]. I said I don't think your parents would be ok with that, he replied yea they'd die if I told them I don't want to study anymore. It's all about his family

 

It's too bad that we really love eachother.

[St. Nick]

The easy answer is to find someone else; the hard thing to actually do is to find someone else.

 

Your post above definitely screams, "Family interference is going to be a major issue in our future relationship!" I'd like to offer you some comforting words but I can't. I've got a close friend of mine who is in a similar situation. His wife's dad is opposed to it because of the him because of his race. I could write a huge laundry list of problems this has caused for the two of them.

 

All I can say is you gotta break it up. It's gonna be worse in the future if you decide to keep it up.

[Leia]

The easy answer is to find someone else; the hard thing to actually do is to find someone else.

 

F***. You're so right about that! It's not so much about finding someone else, I'm just dead tired of trying all over again.

 

Your post above definitely screams, "Family interference is going to be a major issue in our future relationship!" I'd like to offer you some comforting words but I can't. I've got a close friend of mine who is in a similar situation. His wife's dad is opposed to it because of the him because of his race. I could write a huge laundry list of problems this has caused for the two of them.

 

All I can say is you gotta break it up. It's gonna be worse in the future if you decide to keep it up.

 

Thanks. I don't think anyone can offer such comforting words in a sitch like this. It's ridiculous to be in but f***, if only I didn't feel so much about this dude.

 

The easy way out or rather the best thing to do is to break it off. I'm not sure if that is what I want to do without meeting his mother first. I suppose I can refrain myself from thinking there will be a future together. Say if his mother says no after I meet her in August/Sept, I guess it's over then. That was what we decided earlier on.

 

I don't know the exact reason for this thread, maybe it's to vent and also to get some perspectives on this sitch.

[123BeachFan]

Hi Leia,

I'm confused (and I bet you are too). On one hand, the BF wants to introduce you to Mom. On the other hand, he's dismissing the idea of marriage with you, saying that Mom won't approve (based on his brother's recent experience with Mom's final word on a similar matter).

 

So, gosh, which is it?

 

Sounds like he's put you in a sort of maybe-maybe not hiatus. Ouch, that's gotta hurt.

 

Also, you wrote a bit about how he went ballistic he thought you were insulting his mom. Muslim culture or not, it sounds like he puts way too much emphasis on how mom wants to run his life. Am I off the mark there?

 

Sorry he's putting you through the ringer. Maybe the best thing is to see how Meeting the Mom plays out, and be psychologically prepared to exit the relationship before your expy date in deed runs out. Life's too short to be labeled expendable.

[Leia]

Hi Leia,

I'm confused (and I bet you are too). On one hand, the BF wants to introduce you to Mom. On the other hand, he's dismissing the idea of marriage with you, saying that Mom won't approve (based on his brother's recent experience with Mom's final word on a similar matter).

 

So, gosh, which is it?

 

Good question. He wants me to meet his family so that we can all hang out . His mother knows that he has gf but what she doesn't know is how serious he is with me BUT now that, his mother disapproves of his bro's relationship ... he told his mother that I'm 'just a friend he hangs out with'.

 

Sounds like he's put you in a sort of maybe-maybe not hiatus. Ouch, that's gotta hurt.

 

It did hurt on the day he told me about it and continued to hurt for the next 3 - 4 days. Then I got over it. I don't think it's healthy to ponder about these things, things that we know we can't do much about.

 

Also, you wrote a bit about how he went ballistic he thought you were insulting his mom. Muslim culture or not, it sounds like he puts way too much emphasis on how mom wants to run his life. Am I off the mark there?

 

It's not so much a Muslim culture. My bro/sis have always had their own ways. Date whomever they want, married whomever they want. On the other hand, for me; my parents would prefer someone they know for me but like my bro and sis, I tell them they can shove that idea up their asses [in a nicer way, of course]. My parents dictated my life since I was born. Only recently have I managed to get out of it and told them I'll live my own life. I don't think bf can actually do that. No matter what, whatever his mother wants .. his mother gets. And his sister. They are the most important people in his life ... he puts them both #1. He even told off his grandmother for raising her voice to his mother.

 

Sorry he's putting you through the ringer. Maybe the best thing is to see how Meeting the Mom plays out, and be psychologically prepared to exit the relationship before your expy date in deed runs out. Life's too short to be labeled expendable.

 

Thanks. I'm well over it. I'm not putting in too much energy/emotion in this relationship. I'm too busy to date other people right now, it's even hard for us to meet up sometimes so we're enjoying it while it lasts.

[Kamille]

I'm so sorry to read about your situation and can empathize a little bit. My relationship with my ex was intercultural. I was lucky in that his parents were very open-minded and didn't mind him seeing a "Westerner" but he was, by north american standards, a mama's boy. His mother was everything to him and I was lucky that she liked me (even though I did turn out to be a disappointment - a self-centered westerner who put her career ahead of love-, just like his sister predicted - who liked me less and wished him to marry a local girl).

 

A few years ago my ex got in touch with me to ask me if I would marry him. He was turning 30 and his parents were putting pressure on him to get married. They were setting him up and trying to arrange a marriage. I refused (for my own personal reasons) and a year later he was married to a woman he chose, but on their timeline. I just recently found out that they are currently in a trial separation - one that his parents disagree with of course. My point is, I wish my ex could have a heart to heart with your bf. After all, no matter what your bf chooses or how it works out with his mom, he's the one who's going to have to live with the consequences of his decision.

Edited April 5, 2010 by Kamille

[Leia]

Thanks Kamille. I wish your ex could talk to my bf but I know for a fact that it'll be a hopeless attempt.

 

His mother will find a bride for him but according to him, at the end of the day it will still be his decision whether to marry the girl or not. He'd go out with her, get to know her and see if they are interested in one another. If he doesn't feel it, then he will let his mother know so that she can find another Iraqi girl. So I think it doesn't matter who talks to him ... he won't let his mother down unless magically, I can turn into a Iraqi woman!

 

I won't lie and say that this isn't hurting me. It doesn't hurt as much as it did a couple of weeks/week ago. We get one another. We are so good together. He can be an a-hole but so what, I can be one too with him and we'd laugh about it at the end of the day. It just bloody sucks that it has to be the way it is going to be.

 

Such a waste.

[JustJoe]

Maybe you both need to have the courage, to make your own lives together. Do you have the kind of love to do that?

[yah]

I'm really sorry you are going through this! I felt compelled to post. I'm in a somewhat similar (although way less severe!) situation as you.

 

I am/was dating outside both my religion and race. I'm Asian-American Christian and he is Jewish-American Jewish (). My family would be perfectly happy with whomever I bring home as long as they make me happy. His, not so much.

 

My SO's bro brought home an Asian-American Buddhist years ago (they're still dating) and the mother went ballistic and then in denial mode for 2 years. When my SO told her about me she wasn't exactly thrilled as you can imagine. She began having talks to him along the lines of, "son, you are of a certain ethnic/racial group of XYZ lineage.. you have to carry it on.." Until I finally couldn't take it anymore (him not standing up for my existence) so I made him choose. He told me he felt logic was telling him to choose his own happiness rather than what his mother felt was his obligation.

 

Sounds good and all, right? Well last week he was supposed to have a sit-down talk with her about it... and guess what? He came back to me telling me he can't see us long-term. We are currently on a 1-week break. So, probably breaking up. I guess our expiry date is this week. Let me tell you, its soooooo heartbreaking. I was (is?) very optimistic, thinking if I was good to him then he will see what I can offer and he will stay with me at the end. Now that our expiry date is coming up, I sometimes have my regrets. But then again I'm heartbroken so my emotions go up and down - sometimes regret, sometimes still optimistic. I don't know... I guess I just want to tell you to be very careful. A lot of feelings can develop in 2 years so if you know he will leave, know that it will be very hard and ask yourself is it really worth it?

 

Good luck to you.

[Leia]

I don't know if he'd have the courage to go ahead and leave his family to be with me. Without parents' consent, our lives would be hard, according to him.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this! I felt compelled to post. I'm in a somewhat similar (although way less severe!) situation as you.

 

I am/was dating outside both my religion and race. I'm Asian-American Christian and he is Jewish-American Jewish (). My family would be perfectly happy with whomever I bring home as long as they make me happy. His, not so much.

 

My SO's bro brought home an Asian-American Buddhist years ago (they're still dating) and the mother went ballistic and then in denial mode for 2 years. When my SO told her about me she wasn't exactly thrilled as you can imagine. She began having talks to him along the lines of, "son, you are of a certain ethnic/racial group of XYZ lineage.. you have to carry it on.." Until I finally couldn't take it anymore (him not standing up for my existence) so I made him choose. He told me he felt logic was telling him to choose his own happiness rather than what his mother felt was his obligation.

 

Sounds good and all, right? Well last week he was supposed to have a sit-down talk with her about it... and guess what? He came back to me telling me he can't see us long-term. We are currently on a 1-week break. So, probably breaking up. I guess our expiry date is this week. Let me tell you, its soooooo heartbreaking. I was (is?) very optimistic, thinking if I was good to him then he will see what I can offer and he will stay with me at the end. Now that our expiry date is coming up, I sometimes have my regrets. But then again I'm heartbroken so my emotions go up and down - sometimes regret, sometimes still optimistic. I don't know... I guess I just want to tell you to be very careful. A lot of feelings can develop in 2 years so if you know he will leave, know that it will be very hard and ask yourself is it really worth it?

 

Good luck to you.

 

I'm sorry, yah. That sucks. Have you heard from him?

 

Bf and I are still together. I'll probably meet his mother when she visits but I can assure you, nothing's going to change.

 

It is weird that bf has been really sweet lately. Prior to the final decision, he was distant and acting as if he didn't care. So confusing.