candymoon Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I didn't know how else to title this thread... I am curious though, since they say that children of divorce tend to divorce themselves, but that is not always the case. Not everyone follows that "if the parents were together for life, then the kids will do the same too". I know several friends who are the 1st to divorce in their family histories. But since this forum is about divorce, I am curious as to stories and current situation. See, I am technically referred to as an Adult Child of Divorce. My parents wanted to divorce for at least 15 years before they did. Every time there was a milestone with the kids (my sister and me) it was D talk over again; entering high school=time for D, HS graduation=time for D, college graduation=time for D. They finally did it when I graduated college at the age of 28. 30 years of marriage gone...just as I was about to walk down the aisle myself in 3 months my dad got the final decree. Oddly they are still living together (that's a whole other story). All those time for D talks (more like shouting matches for MONTHS at a time) let me know very early that the ONLY reason they were together was for the kids. Honestly, as a kid, I'd wished they had divorced then instead of dragging it out so long. Actually, my mother wanted a D after my older sib was born, but then found she was having another (me) and stayed because she felt she couldnt handle two children alone. The household was traumatic and toxic for everyone. In their case, staying together for the kids was the polar opposite of what they should have done. The house was polarized, as a matter of fact--parent clinging to a favorite child and getting the kid's confidence, turning the kids against each other because that one was the favorite of the despised spouse, confiding inappropriate information to the kids things that they should have saved for their friends, etc. There were no family outings, get togethers, we never ate a meal together. Nothing... just contempt and anger. So the questions I face thinking of my own S or D is what will I do different than my parents? How will I prepare my kid, myself, and my H for this? Did their D, esp so late in life affect my choices for a spouse and this very sad result? Is it better to do now that my kid is young to avoid 20 years of trauma for her as I was faced with? So I thought I'd toss my story out there and ask about yours: Those of you ACOD or whose parents D'd when you were kids what are you stories, what did you learn and were able to avoid in your own D or S? Did your parents's actions or inactions affect how you handled your own situation?
tojaz Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Me and my ex were both children of divorce. We both were pretty young when the split happened.
Author candymoon Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 I guess I should probably ask, how have you handled your divorce differently than your parents? Did you learn from their mistakes?
tojaz Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Well my situation was quite different then my parents and they did a good job of keeping things away from me and my sister as it fell apart. In mine I didn't really have an opportunity to put anything into practice. It was slash and burn as she hurried out the door. I tried to handle her with as much respect as i could muster but it was all over far to quick to really do anything of consequence. I have always appreciated that my parents shielded me and my sister pretty well from witnessing the breakdown. From what I was told, my ex was not as fortunate. Not sure how that might have effected anything. TOJAZ
trippi1432 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 It didn't affect anything....fact is..your parents were on the "front" in which you had no experience.....had you and your wife had children....you would have done the same if your ex had been in the same situation. If she were in the path of the war...or if she were blindsided by the parental split....history repeats itself. Fact is, every situation is unique. Candymoon....most of the people here are products of divorce....doesn't mean that it's a rule to live by. It means we should be smarter and be with people who are smarter. Live life in the past...life passes you by.
Gunny376 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 (edited) Probably the best source book you can find on the subject of short, mid and long term effects on men, women and most of all children is a book titled "Second Chances: Men, Women And Children A Decade After Divorce" by Juditeh S. Wallerstein She and co-author, (Who names eludes me) did a comprehensive study on the effects of divorce on children.It was presumed at the time that it was short lived and that a couple of months afterwards that everyone was happy. Indeed, that went back for additional funding and found that divorce can and does effect Children of Divorce, and their relationships ~ into their twenties, thirties, and even their forties. Her follow on books is "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce"on the subject. Another good and quick read paperback read about divorce is "Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life" by Abigail Trafford This is a classic, recognized for more than 15 years as the essential guidebook for getting through divorce. Trafford is compassionate, articulate, and ever so savvy about the crud people go through when they have to deal with divorce. I would also recommend "Mon's House, Dad's House" by Isolina Ricci Edited March 29, 2010 by Gunny376
tojaz Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 In thinking about your thread, I think that being a child of divorce didn't really effect my own, but it did effect how my divorce effected me. An intense sensitivity to disloyalty and abandonment. Seems to make the pain sharper and the wounds deeper and slower to heal. Something for me to think about..... TOJAZ
Author candymoon Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 Fact is, every situation is unique. Candymoon....most of the people here are products of divorce....doesn't mean that it's a rule to live by. It means we should be smarter and be with people who are smarter. Live life in the past...life passes you by. Precisely. As well as if we arent careful history repeats itself... so basically, I'm wondering what people have learned. One thing I know I wont do is make my child a pawn like that. I will be sure we keep her well insulated from our drama... So reflection is a good thing in some cases.
broken hearted Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 My parents have been married 36 years and my ex's parents have been married for 31. There is no divorce history in either of our immediate families. I truly didn't believe my ex believed in divorce, especially with kids involved....so, needless to say, I never expected to find myself divorced or a single mother. I pray that my children don't follow in my footsteps!! I think if a divorce is going to happen, there are certain (respectful) ways to go about it. Total abandonment, lies, betrayal, blindsiding and affairs are not the way to go about it!!!!
scatterd Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 i was 8 when my parents divoriced I took it hard But adjusted in time I have been divoriced twice both husbands beat me I married my third almost 17 years ago we have our problems but we try to work things out.I could not and did not want to make up my mind who to live with mom or dad weird it still makes me tear up.
LisaUk Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 My parents have been married 41 years, still married. My ex's parents married for about 30 years or so (not sure exactly) they hate each others guts, fought a lot when my ex was growing up, well they make out they do but numerous times his mother expressed to me that she loves her H deeply and I guess they do love each other otherwise they wouldn't still be together. I wasn't married, my ex of 18 years left me right after we (finally) set the date to marry, withour any warning or explanation, putting me on the street in the process. After he left he made a lot off remarks about panic attacks, not wanting to end up like his parents. I am 99% sure he is a commitment phobic. The only thing you can do Candymoon is make sure you do everything possible to try and save your marriage, I read your OP and I can see and hear the difficult times you have had. I also hear that your H is NOW trying to get himself clean and on the up. When you can turely say that you gave him a chance to prove himself to you knowing you are going to leave if he doesn't shape up and did everything you could to save your family, then you can leave without guilt for your child. If you don't do that, IMO you may always berate yourself for how you could of handled things.
trippi1432 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Precisely. As well as if we arent careful history repeats itself... so basically, I'm wondering what people have learned. One thing I know I wont do is make my child a pawn like that. I will be sure we keep her well insulated from our drama... So reflection is a good thing in some cases. I guess I am on the other side of that...if you can do that and protect the children, but teach them how to handle conflict, then that is doing the right thing. I was protected....always knew something was there, but couldn't quite put my finger on it.....got pushed into a world I didn't know with a single mom....boyfriend....etc...totally different world. While you might try to insulate, the other side may not....in co-parenting, you have to be on the same page and make it a smooth transition. The other side is not always so willing (as in my case, and in my son's case). I was always as open as I could be with my daughter as she was very young....told her it didn't work out with me and her father when she asked why all the other kids had a daddy for Father's Day breakfast at school....we were too young to know what we wanted. Fact is...kids are smarter now than they were 10 years ago...20 years ago. My son, who is older, just didn't want to be like everyone else in his school....by-products of a broken family. A lot of people say you shouldn't stay together for the kids...being on both sides of that enigma, I really can't tell you which one is worse....staying together for the right reasons, or staying together for the wrong ones.
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