mixed up emotions

[momiji82]

I usually find it hard confiding in those people around me, I usually keep my emotions/feelings quite guarded even from my hubby. Always been that way. Probably from previous bad relationships i suppose.

 

Anyway currently I have been dealing with loads of emotions that I can't keep pent up anymore, well actually not dealing with them that's why I'm on here lol.

 

About 3 years ago my hubby cheated on me, we worked through it and managed and continued our life together like it never happened. I don't think this was my smartest move as it's no come back into my mind. I have been with hubby nearly 9 yrs now. I met him when I was 19 after a bad relationship, he swept me off my feet. He is 10 years older than me. We got engaged after 6 months and married with 2 yrs. In hindsight I married to quickly and too young.

 

Over the past year or so me and hubby have been spending less and less time together. He is steady in his career whilst mine is just taking off. We were/are still are spending about a day together a week - not a good sign for a healthy marriage I know. Also during this past year I have dropped a lot of weight and become much more confident in myself which has meant that I have been getting a lot more attention and because this is a new experience for me (I was an overweight teenager), I am relishing in the attention.

 

Up until recently I have been 100% faithful to my hubby( although he hasn't with me) and although I have not had any physical relationships with anyone else I am experiencing an emotional one.

 

About 6 months ago I was introduced to someone at work on a platonic basis and since then things have progressed.

 

I felt overwhelmed by the attention I was receiving from this one particular person. It started off quite innocently, taking about work and stuff however I felt it had progressed to something more. This person although works for the same company as me, does not work within my building. He worked 2 days at week at my office but on a different floor ( other building the rest of the week). There was no reason for him to visit my floor however he would visit me up to 3 times a day , for about 30 minutes each time, just to chat whenever he was in the office. He would constantly poke fun at my accent, my likes etc and i found myself doing the same. I would catch glimpse of him looking at me and the rush of excitement I would receive gave me butterflies. Over the months this was quite a common occurrence. Both myself and him are married. He with children, myself with none.

 

About a month ago I found out that hubby had been seeing someone again and I felt so sad and confused by my emotions that I txed the friend from work stating that I liked him. He txed me back saying that he can only offer friendship. I obviously felt worse after this but at this time I was glad of the response as I txed him for selfish reasons as I felt quite low at this point.

 

When I went back into work I apologised to the friend about my txs and asked him to forget what I said and to put it down to emotions. We went back to normal after this. Well that's what I thought

 

About 2 weeks ago we went on a work night out and he bought me my drinks and food. He also sat next to me all night and about half through the evening he txed me to say he was sad, I replied back that I was also sad. We carried on texting and about 11ish at night he had to get the train home. I walked him to the train station and we kissed and hugged goodbye but only a kiss on the cheek. At this point I was a mix of confusion. I txed him back to ask what was going on. He asked me not to forget about him ( he was leaving my office that day to work full time at the other office). I said I wouldn't. I asked him if he liked me and he said Yes but in different circumstances, He said he wanted to meet up with me. He then phoned me and we were talking for about 30 minutes. Made me feel so happy just talking to him, especially as how I was feeling.

 

Over the last 2 weeks we have been emailing at work and texting but theses have been mainly funny messages. The other night he phoned me and he was on the phone for over an hour and again we were just chatting about nothing really but neither one of us wanted to get off the phone.

 

The next day I texted him and the reply I got was again that he can only offer me friendship and that he was uncomfortable with my texting, I had texted him that I wish I could have shown him what I had brought on my recent shopping trip ( I bought new shoes lol). I apogised for making him feel uncomfortable. We carried on texting as normal.

 

As you can see I am very confused at the moment. I am not sure what so do about my cheating Hubby. I do love him but I know the passion has gone from our relationship as he is looking elsewhere. I am also not naive enough to think that people don't make mistakes, but how many do I forgive. I have told Hubby about how he has made me feel, also about how I feel trapped by marriage and how I can't keep living like this. Also I am shocked by my own behavior as I have never done or felt like this before. I do think that I am having an emotional affair with my work colleague but I can' stop thinking about him. I go to sleep thinking about him and I wake up thinking about him, how he make me smile/feel good about myself etc.

 

I like to think that he is conflicted about his feelings for me and that he too doesn't want to hurt his family. To be honest I don't know what I want. Although I know is I don't want to hurt anyone, me included.

 

I am angry with myself for having feelings for someone who is out of bounds. I am also angry at my work colleague for playing with my emotions. Maybe he realised that's why he backed off, I'm not sure.

 

 

I'm sorry this is so long, but it has helped me just write it down as I have kept this inside.

 

 

Thanks for listening

[momiji82]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I know you are right and I gather from my friends responses that this is not a path he wants to go down and to be fair to myself this is not something I truly want. It just hurts so much to feel this way especially when I haven't felt like this before. I get confused by my friends mixed messages. I am confused by what I want - Do I want to end my M or do I want to work things out. I know these are questions that I need to answer. I feel that I want to freeze things as they are. I know it's selfish of me to want to keep the relationships as they are, to have my hubby at home and to have this secret emotional part with friend. I know that cannot happen.

 

Hopefully just sharing on here is making it black and white for me to enable me to make my right decision

[Heather1]

Be careful...."uncomfortable" in a work environment could end up harrasment. You have a crush & he's probably just trying to be a nice guy. You should leave it alone, he doesn't sound available at all....& that's a GOOD thng! Find a girlfriend to confide in about your M. Just cuz your H is who he is doesn't mean you have to follow suit.

[momiji82]

Thanks Healther1.

 

I know I have this crush on my Friend and he knows that too. In work I do keep it purely friendly only. I'm quite a private person and where I work its rife for office affairs and such. I don't bring any emphasis on my relationships friends/or more into the office.

 

To be honest I think that he got a thrill from the attention I was getting or was confused by his own feelings. I have quite a few male friends and he is the only one who went further. My other male friends never gave me the attention that this one did.

 

Maybe your right and I have been looking more into this than there is but in my gut it feels like more and maybe because I wanted there to be more.

 

I have confided in a mutual friend and they have commented they have seen the way this male friend is with me, that he doesn't act like this with anyone else in the workplace and that they know he has feelings for me.

 

I know this is wrong on so many levels and before I would have agreed that this is wrong. Actually being in this situation is new to me and to be honest I am not sure how to move past it. I am trying by distancing myself and trying to work more away from my office but it is hard.