JustJoe Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I think we ALL start out that way , Tex. We feel that the A is a real relationship, and that it will somehow come out right. After a couple of years , the lies get stale, and then we see it for what it really is, a cluster-f**K!
jerrytodd Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 What do you want to do? Fight for her? Give up and go no contact? Does she love her H? Does she love you? Are you OK as OM? Maybe you could give some more details of how you feel and what you want to see happen.
Author Ima Texan Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 What do you want to do? Fight for her? Give up and go no contact? Does she love her H? Does she love you? Are you OK as OM? Maybe you could give some more details of how you feel and what you want to see happen. Well JT, for the most part, I have put the "details" in either the vault, or the sh*t can. And JJ, we WERE real. And then we were nothing more than a stupid affair!!!! Now, she is being divorced, after all this time, 2 and a half years since Dday, her gravy train has come to a halt, AND she lost me. I guess my issues are for ME. How do I move forward? See, here is the thing, I am divorced and I will ALWAYS remain connected with my Ex, because we have kids, but even if we didn't, I believe we would. I mean, we loved each other. We just couldn't stay married. With the MW, I have to put up the great wall of china and keep her OUT of my life forever! But, we loved eachother too. This is what I want to do. And then there is this: how do I explain the last 6 years of my life to the next girl? And, like I said, this IS a very small world sometimes.... Omg, omg, omg!! We are actually posting and no fighting..... yet!
jerrytodd Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Tex, I never really thought about how to explain my A to the next woman but I think now that I would explain it in the context of my then-failing marriage, a weakness at a point in time, a belief that we had a long term future and a complete betrayal by my AP. Certainly it may not put me in a good light ("once a cheater always a cheater") but I am so fed up from the lying that I went through that I am looking for a clean slate. It also made me realize why I will be so adamant about certain things in a woman in the future (trust being number 1, as hypocritical as it may sound). And maybe you can explain how the A in some ways made you a better person, if in fact it did.
carhill Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 OP, welcome. Long-ago OM here. You'll find that very few men post here (in relation to the number of women) so that percentage carries over into the infidelity areas. Also, men are more reluctant to talk about aspects of infidelity other than where they are a BS. What would you say the most significant obstacle in your recovery has been?
Author Ima Texan Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 OP, welcome. Long-ago OM here. You'll find that very few men post here (in relation to the number of women) so that percentage carries over into the infidelity areas. Also, men are more reluctant to talk about aspects of infidelity other than where they are a BS. What would you say the most significant obstacle in your recovery has been? Well, there is guilt to what is happening to her family, and what has happened to her husband, BUT, I realize and am comfortable with the fact that SHE could have handled things a million times better. All of the betrayal is on her. Of course I had my part, but, I have come to peace with things on my end, I think. There is the feeling of "now that she is getting Divorced, or I should say, being Divorced, I am bailing. But that is not true. "the water not only went under the bridge, it destroyed the bridge!". So again, I think I am ok there too. Things could NEVER be the same, and they could NEVER be what they were "supposed" to be. So sure, I will move forward, probably meet someone new this Spring and that will be that. UNTIL I run into her somewhere.....
carhill Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Did you get thrown under the bus? Why would you 'bail' because she's getting a divorce? Help me understand the motivation for 'bailing' or correct my understanding. In my case, it was the lack of honesty, forthrightness and inability to get the D which fueled my 'bailing'. I was patient for about 8 years in total, off and on. Wasted a good portion of my 20's on that unhealthy dynamic. I hope you came to your senses much sooner
Author Ima Texan Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Did you get thrown under the bus? Why would you 'bail' because she's getting a divorce? Help me understand the motivation for 'bailing' or correct my understanding. In my case, it was the lack of honesty, forthrightness and inability to get the D which fueled my 'bailing'. I was patient for about 8 years in total, off and on. Wasted a good portion of my 20's on that unhealthy dynamic. I hope you came to your senses much sooner Not soon enough, not soon enough. But, can't get it back can we? I flat out asked her, "IF your H didn't pull the trigger on the Divorce, would you still stay?". YES That showed me all I needed to see. Of course there were a ton of other red flags over the time up to that, this was a huge banner! She didn't care about him, she cared about HER. That is when my heart bailed
FryFish Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 All of the betrayal is on her.This is completely true. Like I think you have already read about me texan, I was a Serial OM for a few months. Unlike the majority here though I didnt "fall in love" with anybody. I was pissed off at myself for being duped and went on a fact finding mission to see just how sick and easy it is to be a third wheel. My cheater radar is about a thousand times more refined now than it was before I got cheated on. Unfortunately I am about a thousand times more guarded than I used to be as well. I might never actually fully trust a girl again.
Hazyhead Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I'm sorry Tex. I have nothing really of use to offer (I think my brain has switched off - tired) just wanted to send hugs. You'll heal; I know it seems like so long off, but you will.
In_Repair Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I was an OM. Our affair started immediately after my own marriage failed. They were friends. I ended it mostly because I wanted more than it could provide. I refused to ask her to leave her husband, even though we had talked about it and I had expressed that I wanted her to. I gave her plenty of time to at least make the plans, but she never did. So I figured that since she was still seeing her husband, I should start seeing other women. I was emotionally connected with her though, so the others were mostly just hookups and casual dating. This went on for about a year until I met the woman that I am currently with. How do you explain it to the next woman? Truthfully. Brutal honesty. Hope she understands, and if she doesn't, find another one. Look at the life that you have been living during your time as an OM. Lies, lies, lies. It's liberating to live honestly. I lived with my wife's lies during her EA and for a year after D-day, and then I immediately started living with my MW's lies. By default, mine was also nothing but a life of lies. Getting through all of that and now seeing the other side, the last thing I would want to do is start sugar coating stuff to my new girlfriend.
Author Ima Texan Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 This is completely true. Like I think you have already read about me texan, I was a Serial OM for a few months. Unlike the majority here though I didnt "fall in love" with anybody. I was pissed off at myself for being duped and went on a fact finding mission to see just how sick and easy it is to be a third wheel. My cheater radar is about a thousand times more refined now than it was before I got cheated on. Unfortunately I am about a thousand times more guarded than I used to be as well. I might never actually fully trust a girl again. This only hurts YOU... I get what you are saying, but you have to be able to trust.. If you cant, dont bother trying to date anyone... work on that for a bit... I know there will be arguements with my statement about the "betrayal", but as it stands now, it is ALL on her. I had my part, and I made my part right..
Author Ima Texan Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I was an OM. Our affair started immediately after my own marriage failed. They were friends. I ended it mostly because I wanted more than it could provide. I refused to ask her to leave her husband, even though we had talked about it and I had expressed that I wanted her to. I gave her plenty of time to at least make the plans, but she never did. So I figured that since she was still seeing her husband, I should start seeing other women. I was emotionally connected with her though, so the others were mostly just hookups and casual dating. This went on for about a year until I met the woman that I am currently with. How do you explain it to the next woman? Truthfully. Brutal honesty. Hope she understands, and if she doesn't, find another one. Look at the life that you have been living during your time as an OM. Lies, lies, lies. It's liberating to live honestly. I lived with my wife's lies during her EA and for a year after D-day, and then I immediately started living with my MW's lies. By default, mine was also nothing but a life of lies. Getting through all of that and now seeing the other side, the last thing I would want to do is start sugar coating stuff to my new girlfriend. this is exactly my plan..... OW meant the world to me. I had said that she was my past, my present and my future. I had SO many firsts with her that can NEVER be replaced. BUT, I am smart enough to know, there are many other firsts to come for me...
jerrytodd Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 This only hurts YOU... I get what you are saying, but you have to be able to trust.. If you cant, dont bother trying to date anyone... work on that for a bit... I know there will be arguements with my statement about the "betrayal", but as it stands now, it is ALL on her. I had my part, and I made my part right.. For what its worth, I agree with "betrayal". Mine got kicked out of her house, moved, told me she was going to make a life with me then, after three months, cosied back up to him. I was ready to go - she wasnt and then mislead me for 16 months until she dumped me. The hurt and resentment after what I put into her as a person and us as a relationship is enormous.
Ella whispers Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I feel for you guys very much. I think to talk about things,even to strangers is a bonus. Honeslt, no matter how brutal is always best. As long as you are honest with the next woman in your life you will be just fine. It's the lies that kill you. You will have "firsts" in conversations where there is no second guessing and feeling second best, that is afirst to cherish for sure.
movingfwd Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Movingfwd, why was my post "interesting"? You used the phrase "moving forward" in that post (as well as since) - it matches my username. That's all.
Author Ima Texan Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 You used the phrase "moving forward" in that post (as well as since) - it matches my username. That's all. I don't get it??????
White Flower Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Ima Texan, This thread is so refreshingly interesting. I am happy to see OM gather and support each other on this board. We don't see it enough as men tend to bury their feelings. But you seem to have the magic touch to get these guys talking and it is good for every body. Have a nice day.
FryFish Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 This thread is so refreshingly interesting. I am happy to see OM gather and support each other on this board. We don't see it enough as men tend to bury their feelings. But you seem to have the magic touch to get these guys talking and it is good for every body.ugh... Keep making it sound like a support group for women and see how many of us still chose to "open up"...
Author Ima Texan Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 ugh... Keep making it sound like a support group for women and see how many of us still chose to "open up"... What???? What are you talking about? It was a compliment! This is the BS that will keep people away....... So stop
White Flower Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 ugh... Keep making it sound like a support group for women and see how many of us still chose to "open up"... What. Ever.
JustJoe Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Tex, I could write a book about my affair, but won't:D My MW had her own place in Dallas, apart from her H. When we first met, at a friends house, nobody told me she was married to some really rich guy (if you're from Texas, and I mentioned the family, you would know who I'm talking about). She was separated, and drop-dead gorgeous, why wouldn't I want her? She finally told me about H, but by then I was in love with her, and didn't want to end it. Every time I was deployed, she acted just like a wife, wrote me letters, every day, sent me stuff, and all the time, she would leave her H then he would bribe her to come back. I finally couldn't take it any more.
pureinheart Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Tex, Fallen Angel is one of the good ones. I haven't been here long , but she seems a real Angel (forget about the "fallen", part). Yep, she is...:)...I couldn't agree more
pureinheart Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 I have been lurking a little while, and have only met a couple OM over on the Infidelity section. Are there not that many here at LS? I am a former OM still in "recovery" so to speak.... Welcome IT....you seem way cool!
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