would you or wouldnt you?

[awkward]

MBEG you sound so much better (clearer on your goal). Stay strong.

[jennie-jennie]

but to have returned to the M earlier would have been lying to him and to myself. and for me that would have been as inappropriate as the affair itself.[/QUOTE]

 

Love this! :bunny: You are true to yourself, MBEG. That is the best you can do for yourself, the men in your life and your children.

[White Flower]

but to have returned to the M earlier would have been lying to him and to myself. and for me that would have been as inappropriate as the affair itself.

Love this! :bunny: You are true to yourself, MBEG. That is the best you can do for yourself, the men in your life and your children.

 

I agree. When you are true to yourself you are also most likely to be true to everyone else around you. You can honestly tell your H you don't think you have chemistry, love, x,y, or z. Then all of you can move on and find real love. Your children will be blessed to see it demonstrated as well.

[Untouchable_Fire]

i live a pretty normal life, busy as can be. only those that i trust the most know my struggles and how i really feel inside.

much of my statements that are picked out as going back and forth are responses to peoples questions. in an attempt to explain myself i do just that. tell how i feel inside.

 

MBEG,

 

I want to say that I like you. I would like to see things turn out positive for you in the end. I would not waste my time typing this otherwise.

 

You have often explained how you use this forum as a sounding board for certain emotions, and others you choose not to share. I understand that. I think you do share enough that those who read your posts can get a sense of who you are as a person, and how you tend to think. Beyond that all I can say is that I know there is much I don't know about you. If that makes any sense.

 

 

i simply am not conforming to the set plan that most have...because its not right for me.

and i question this so called plan that most follow. there are countless women on here who go NC or say theyve thrown themselves back into their marriage 100%. only to come back time after time saying that they've broken NC and that hes hurt them again.

 

I am glad that you are choosing to do what is right for you. Sometimes it is difficult to hear when everyone and their dog has an opinion about your life.

 

Keep in mind that anyone who is so cowardly that they cannot be truthful with anonymous strangers... has serious mental problems.

 

i would be untruthful if i said any of those things. i could. i could say ive been NC for 321.5 days and it is great! and all i can think about is my H and then come next week and talk about how i had started seeing him again.

i think the people who do that are much more confused than I. theyre not being truthful with themselves, simply playing the game and hoping that their hearts will follow.

it certainly would be easier on here to follow that route. instead i do what i can to make my life good for my boys. i havent responded to him but would be lying if i said i havent considered it. but instead of jumping in and doing it (afterall according to my court papers i am legally separated and may be seen with other men) i am coming here asking for advice, weighing the pros and cons.

 

I think it would be worth your time to really sit and consider why you got into an affair in the first place!

 

i do love them both. differently, but both. and i have never ever said i trust xmm or dont think negative thoughts for his actions after dday. but i am not one to cast stones. i have made several horrible choices in life, but those choices dont define me. i have betrayed my husband and it was only afterwards that i realized the errors of my ways and felt remorse for my actions. so yes, i have to attempt to accept xmm's explanation and apology as i would like my H and his W to do with my explanation and apology.

 

I've made horrible choices in my life too. I feel that after long periods of self reflection I have realized that I was incapable of really loving someone at that point in my life. I have a feeling that you suffer from this issue as well.

 

I don't know what your marriage was like pre-A, but I would guess that it was not all that bad. my thought is that you were weak to the advances of xMM because you needed him to make you feel good about yourself at the time.

 

It's good that you take responsibility. Nobody on this forum is perfect. Some of those who throw the most stones are also the most flawed.

 

Why did you not feel remorse at the beginning? Why did you not realize that this would be an error before you let it happen?

 

as i said. i could conform to the "chosen route" that most people do on here only to lie to the other members and to myself. only to come back with my tail between my legs because i jumped in again without thinking it through. instead, im taking no action, working through all of the thoughts and trying to make a sound decision in the middle of a terrible situation. and for that, i have no regrets.

could i possibly have lost my H in the process? yes. but to have returned to the M earlier would have been lying to him and to myself. and for me that would have been as inappropriate as the affair itself.

 

Yes, do what works for you! Also, I completely agree that returning prematurely would not have been fair to anyone.

 

I really do wish the best of results in life for you!

[fooled once]

From October ....

 

im sure i'll get a lot of "things will get worse before they get better" comments but right now i just cant handle the NC. i keep waiting for him to call or text or email or just something. something to let me know that hes thinkng of me. and its not happening.

 

so ive fallen apart. i look terrible, feel terrible. cant care for myself or my children. i just cry all day long and it seems to be getting worse. the little bit of sleep i do get is filled with dreams (actually nightmares) of him. the longer it goes the worse it seems to get.

 

and my H. the one im supposed to be working on it with. im such a train wreck that he cant even look at me. hes frustrated and disappointed. and i cant do the work i need to do to get him back. so i sit and i cry and it makes things worse with him.

 

it all just seems so terrible and i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. if the MM would have at least said goodbye, told me we wouldnt talk anymore, told me he loved me or something. its was just suddenly cut off and i cant take it.

 

it still seems to be getting worse and worse.

 

And today you posted:

 

its amazing to me how people choose words and phrases and specific incidents and related them to my entire scenario. as the day spent in bed crying as a specific moment after he done something that truly hurt. not months in bed crying every day.

 

I could only go back to October's posts...but I remember MANY days you talked about not being able to function. So either you were 'mistaken' then or you are minimizing things now...

 

Do whatever you want. I don't know what you want to hear when you post here. you seem to come back to what everyone says with an attitude. I don't get it.

 

If you don't want to be NC, then don't be. Doesn't have any impact on my life. But go back and read your threads....go back and see how pissed you were that he "forced" NC on you; and then how you -- YOU -- said you truly SAW THE BENEFITS of NC and NOW you are admonishing people who say "stay NC" because it is obvious that is not what you want to hear.

 

I guess you want to hear 'go for it - call him - date him - see if you can build an HONEST relationship with him'.

 

What me and a few others have been trying to convey is "why do you need a man RIGHT NOW"? Why can't you wait and figure out WHY you cheated to begin with since you posted you had an amazing marriage and even YOU had no idea why you cheated. Why do you want to drag your kids through yet another go around with this MM when you haven't even gotten far in the divorce?

 

But, do whatever you want It's your life and your decisions and you will need to deal with the fall out from those decisions (good and bad).

[mybrowneyedgirl]

the attitude is simply because when my screen name is seen the same few people come back time and time again and make statements telling me and others how i feel when thats simply not true.

 

ive never denied that the time after dday was a terrible time. ive never denied that theres days that i still cry. but i will not have someone tell me how i do or do not feel about my H or my M or say that my actions speak otherwise.

 

why am i here? well my situation has changed over the several months. and before i go and make any decisions i would value the advice of people who had been there. sort of an outside perspective on the situation from previous experiences.

 

i did not ask for an interpretation of my own feelings and then have to defend myself and try to "prove" how i feel while others throw past quotes at me. as i said, this is a tough situation filled with conflicting emotions. there will be times i feel one way, times the next. i'm sorry but i dont think its anyone's place to tell me how i feel about my H or my love for him based on their interpretation of my actions.

 

i wouldnt say i love him if i didnt. its not a word i use lightly. in fact, theres only two people (besides my children and family) who ive ever used that word for in my life. if i didnt love them both with all of my heat this would be a very easy situation.

 

sorry if you take this as attitude. maybe it is. i value all opinions good, bad, indifferent. but the words of these posters are not all the gospel...some have given very poor advice that i am thankful i didnt follow.

 

so thats why im here. to hear both sides, weigh what is said, and use that information to guide me.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Fooled - I absolutely dont want to hear "go get him, blah blah blah." i would like to explore the reasons to go get him or not to go get him and when would be the right time. because i guess eventually for some people there does come a right time. im not there or else i would have done just that.

 

and...i have never claimed to not be TOTALLY pissed over what he did. probably more now then back months ago. but now instead of "oh poor me" i'm trying to be open minded. maybe my initial thoughts were incorrect, maybe i should have thought there was more to it, maybe i should have been angrier than i was. The more i think about it the less i think of him and of our relationship and how he handled it. but i dont take it as such a huge blow to me personally as i did back then. back then i was too consumed with the hurt to look at it for what it was. and yes, his explanation helped me to do that. but i am pissed. very very pissed. just wanted to clarify that side of things.

 

as far as needing a man right now. maybe i do, maybe i dont. im not making any decisions either way. but its the same thing that some people have been advising since the very beginning. if you sit and wait too long you may miss your chance. so i need to figure out how long to wait and if im willing to risk losing a chance with either of them. again, thats why im here...

[bestplayer]

Fooled - I absolutely dont want to hear "go get him, blah blah blah." i would like to explore the reasons to go get him or not to go get him and when would be the right time. because i guess eventually for some people there does come a right time. im not there or else i would have done just that.

 

and...i have never claimed to not be TOTALLY pissed over what he did. probably more now then back months ago. but now instead of "oh poor me" i'm trying to be open minded. maybe my initial thoughts were incorrect, maybe i should have thought there was more to it, maybe i should have been angrier than i was. The more i think about it the less i think of him and of our relationship and how he handled it. but i dont take it as such a huge blow to me personally as i did back then. back then i was too consumed with the hurt to look at it for what it was. and yes, his explanation helped me to do that. but i am pissed. very very pissed. just wanted to clarify that side of things.

 

as far as needing a man right now. maybe i do, maybe i dont. im not making any decisions either way. but its the same thing that some people have been advising since the very beginning. if you sit and wait too long you may miss your chance. so i need to figure out how long to wait and if im willing to risk losing a chance with either of them. again, thats why im here...

 

well at presents it looks like as mm is becoming available ur husband is loosing a chance with u .

[jennie-jennie]

i did not ask for an interpretation of my own feelings and then have to defend myself and try to "prove" how i feel while others throw past quotes at me. as i said, this is a tough situation filled with conflicting emotions. there will be times i feel one way, times the next. i'm sorry but i dont think its anyone's place to tell me how i feel about my H or my love for him based on their interpretation of my actions.

 

Digging up posts from the past always did seem very tacky to me.

[Owl]

MBEG, what specific CHOICE have you made here?

 

What specific ACTION are you taking that is different than before?

 

Here's my concern for you...by not making a choice to have one or the other (or neither), you're not going to be able to move ANY relationship forward. By trying to keep both in your life in some fashion, you're not making any real change to improve your situation.

 

I'm going to say this, but I want you to realize that I don't mean this in anger or malice at all...it's blunt honesty to get you to see what's going on.

 

You're still cake-eating.

 

You're still hoping that somehow this works out so that you have both men meeting your needs.

 

You've been here long enough to know how this plays out, my friend.

 

I wish you well. I truly do.

 

But until you opt to really make a change, you're going to remain right where you're at. As I've said...it's where you have chosen to be.