would you or wouldnt you?

[silktricks]

MBEG, I'd like to address something about the communication going on that has me (personally) uncomfortable. You mentioned that you are quite sure that he knows you are reading his emails. There are a number of ways to track emails, and to know whether or not the addressee has opened them. So, if you feel strongly that he knows you are reading them, then he probably does know.

 

What makes me uncomfortable is that if he knows you are reading them, he has apparently tagged the emails to be tracked invisibly. If he was truly being honest and aboveboard with you, he wouldn't have made the tracking invisible. He would have made it visible so that you could indeed SEE that he was tracking them, and knows they are opened - when they are opened - on what computer they are opened - how many times they've been opened - and how long they are opened for....

 

It just doesn't seem to me that you'd necessarily want to give this person the trust that true love requires.

[Woman In Blue]

It said ""Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” -Confucius".

My advice to you MBEG is the same as what Confucius said..."Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”

 

You need to invest all of your heart into one of these two men (or neither)...so you need to decide where ALL of your heart can go.

What a lovely post, Owl.

[bestplayer]

MBEG, while you still have both men as an option, this is not going to get any easier. All you have done is shuffle which guy is first option, and which is fall-back. You are unwilling to walk away from EITHER while you still worry that the one you choose might not choose you. That is not choosing. That is accepting being chosen (or not).

 

If you had chosen, you'd be going hell for leather for the one you wanted, and having nothing further to do with the one you'd cast off.

 

The sad thing is, whichever man (if either) you do land up with may not be choosing you, either. They, like you, might be going along with their own Plan B because Plan A didn't work out for them as they wanted, either.

 

Are you willing to be someone else's compromise? Are you willing - prepared - to invest everything you have, everything you are - in a future with someone who's not sure he wants to be with you, who's settling because you're what's available to him? Or will you - as he may - going to invest just enough to make it seem like you're buying in, while you keep your options open in case something better comes along?

 

This all sounds very high risk to me. I'm struggling to see happiness at the end of this rainbow

 

I agree with OWoman , mbeg if u have chosen to try ur best to save ur marriage u shouldn't be thinking about the MM as other option .

Perhaps ur husband has sensed that u r still not done with MM &

consider him as an option , & thats why he thinks u r still not commited to the marriage . If u chose ur marriage , then forget ur MM . If u can't then forget ur marriage .

[jennie-jennie]

It sounds to me, MBEG, that you will need that minimum of two years of counseling which is recommended for the split self before you are able to make a choice.

 

It's obvious the Dday didn't do it, neither did the throwing under the bus, nor your husband's abusive treatment of you post affair. You are just as undecided as ever.

 

Could it be that your head wants your husband and your heart your MM?

[fooled once]

thanks owl.

 

I guess there are some things that I'm sure (or not so sure about). Reasons why I'm not just jumping in with both feet

 

1. i still am unsure about MY marriage. if i could find any sort of way to make it work with my H I would. And so now I'M the one who doesnt want to lead HIM on. i would pick my H 1000% over this man if I had the option.

 

2. i dont have the trust for him that I once did. it would take work. I do love xMM. I do miss him. But at this point I dont believe a word he says. Knowing where I am in my marriage and what a confusing process it is, I would bet its the same on his end.

 

3. BUT...(theres always a but). I do think I might tell him simply and clearly. I would welcome a chance to get to know him again, but only AFTER these other two issues are completely resolved. He says in his email that his marriage is over that there is NC and no room to question it. I just cant say the same for mine.

 

I just dont want him to take my not responding as meaning i hate him or i wouldnt consider it at all. But then again i dont want him to get false hope or for it to lead into starting things up again.

 

A very very confusing situation. For right now I'm keeping NC and still thinking on it.

 

I will reiterate what so many others have said ..... you are playing a game here -- you want your H, and if that doesn't work, you will take MM. But while wanting your H and M back, you are thinking about/obsessing about the MM.

 

Life if FULL of choices -- learn to make one. Either get IN your marriage and give it ALL you have - no more moping around about the MM, no more crying over the MM, no more puppy dog eyes for the MM. I am actually surprised your H put up with it as long as he did. Can you image how HURT you made him feel?

 

It seems as if you want to ensure you get 1 of these 2 guys instead of making it on YOUR OWN. You need 1 as a back up plan....when you really, IMHO, should be working harder on YOU - on being single. Heck, you have just begun the divorce process. It takes quite a while to end a marriage -- yet you are wondering about the MM and will he be waiting for you, should you contact him to let him know you are going as fast as you can with the divorce.

 

HOW you can ever trust this loser is beyond me. You yourself said you can't trust him...yet you think of having a relationship with him? based on what - since it won't be on trust. You cannot, CANNOT have a strong, stable relationship without trust.

 

He is divorcing because HIS WIFE is divorcing him -- not because HE chose to get a divorce. He didn't choose you -- his wife chose NOT to have him anymore. So he chose you by default. Isn't that a comforting thought?

 

OK, so here's where I'm confused. Please, PLEASE do not take this as a personal attack...

 

If you're 1000% sure that you'd go with your H (if that's an option)...why would you still consider going with MM/OM as your fallback plan since it appears that your marriage may not recover?

 

Why not instead focus on MBEG for a while when your marriage ends, rather than jump into a relationship with your 'second choice'?

 

Why rush into ANY relationship right away?

 

Why not focus on being happy with yourself first?

 

I totally agree with Owl!!

 

He is trying to make an effort & by not responding she'll never let him in to try. Absolutely use caution, but what if he really is who she's supposed to be with? Isn't this the good way to end up with OP? NC until they're divorcing from their SO? Set the limits for the new relationship & take the risk....that's if you still love him. If you don't, don't answer his emails & he'll give up.

 

I'm not sure I wrote this before, but my H was seperated when I met him. Every step of the way my best friends told me it would never work (long distance, rebound, said he'd never get married again). One day I was at lunch listening to my friends & a complete stranger walked up to me & said she was sorry for evesdropping, but her H said the same thngs (so did her friends) & she was m for years & pregnant with her 3rd child. If I would have listened to my friends I'd be single for life.

 

See what he has to say & you'll know. You have a good heart, you've tried your hardest. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy & your circumstances have changed.

 

Um... Heather -- didn't you just have an affair? Hasn't your marriage been less than good for many years?

 

My husband was separated when I met him -- he had been living on his own for 3 years - dating and living separate and apart from his wife. The divorce was in the final stages when I met him.

 

That is totally different than dating someone who was just told to get out of the marital home (as the MM MBEG is fantasizing about). My H initiated his divorce/separation -- he chose to end his marriage.

 

And had MBEG and this guy NOT had an affair, the MM's marriage may still be together; just as MBEG's marriage. So while there are marriages that come out of affairs, there are more ended relationships than marriages, IMHO. Just read this site .... many OW are the ones left crying while the MM picks right back up with his wife, many times, none the wiser.

[jennie-jennie]

That is totally different than dating someone who was just told to get out of the marital home (as the MM MBEG is fantasizing about). My H initiated his divorce/separation -- he chose to end his marriage.

 

Can you really call it "dating" when MBEG and her MM have already been having a deep 3 year long physical and emotional relationship? That's way past dating in my opinion.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

actually. i think people are way wrong on this one. not on xmm because i agree he cant be trusted and i agree he has treated me poorly and i could do better.

 

i did want my marriage and wanted it to work the entire time. i didnt want to ever be with my xMM forever. those are the facts.

 

but it came to a point where it was clear that the attempts to reconcile my M were not working. blame me if you want, blame my H for his abusive actions, blame whoever. the point was it became a terrible situation. was not healthy for either of us or the children, and so we came to the conclusion that it needed to end. with a H refusing MC there really was not other way to go once it went this far. but that does not mean I ever stopped wanting my H or my M. i dont want to be divorced. but im afraid there are no other options.

 

my feelings for xMM may have been the reason reconciliation did not work. or they may not be. sometimes, some things are just too damaging and cannot be fixed. yes, its because of my A. no, i do not believe it was due to me harboring feelings for this OM. do i think i could have given a better effort if i wasnt grieving the OM? yes. but i do not think its what caused it not to work. my H, ended up coming to terms that the person I created by having an A could not deal with what I had done. i dont fault him one bit. i can say that xMM had nothing to do with me agreeing to give up and divorce. I can also say that i wish things would have taken a different route and we were together still.

 

xMM. i would miss him regardless. hes not my fall back plan. hes someone that i cared for deeply. something has to be said for that. but the end of my affair was due to circumstance of dday, not change in feelings for him. i wasnt sick of being the OW, i didnt have the ups and downs that many have here. it was cut off at its best. and so i will admit that after reading his explanation of throwing me under the bus...i still do not have negative feelings for him.

 

a life with him was never a consideration because we were both married. i didnt allow those thoughts in my head. now if it comes to the point that we're not married, the situation is different. i would consider it. not wanting him to be my fall back, just knowing that eventually i will get to a point where i will date again, and if it has to be someone other than my H i would certainly consider someone who i loved very deeply for many years.

 

my H was never the fall back either. i never would have left him for my xMM. never. there would be no flip-flopping on this one. but i will admit that im not sure i could have given up my xMM if i wasnt forced to. and with this i realize i am suffering the consequences of being a cake eater.

 

whoever mentioned the tracking the emails to see if i was checking them...you make a great point on this. something to think about. you are very correct.

Edited March 30, 2010 by mybrowneyedgirl

[GreenEyedLady]

my H was never the fall back either. i never would have left him for my xMM. never.

 

So basically your H is divorcing you for the same reason XMM W is divorcing him.

 

It sounds like you're made for each other.

 

So much for true love.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

Even though the OP says she can see a R with her H 1000%, it doesn't make sense that she isn't pursuing it. It especially doesn't make sense to just now bring up the alleged abuse by her H after what she already posted about being with him.

 

The OP's H is leaving her because she won't commit to him. But she won't commit to the MM because he wouldn't commit to her.

 

What a mess. All the people hurting because of two people that are too afraid to live with the consequences of their decisions.

 

OP, you are going to have to make a decision if you actually want one of these men. Either bloock the MM completely and stop reading the emails, and fix your M. Or go through with the D, and tell the MM that you want him.

 

There are no guarantees in life. If you wait for a guarantee, you'll never make a decision.

[Fallen Angel]

Even though the OP says she can see a R with her H 1000%, it doesn't make sense that she isn't pursuing it. It especially doesn't make sense to just now bring up the alleged abuse by her H after what she already posted about being with him.

 

The OP's H is leaving her because she won't commit to him. But she won't commit to the MM because he wouldn't commit to her.

 

What a mess. All the people hurting because of two people that are too afraid to live with the consequences of their decisions.

 

OP, you are going to have to make a decision if you actually want one of these men. Either bloock the MM completely and stop reading the emails, and fix your M. Or go through with the D, and tell the MM that you want him.

 

There are no guarantees in life. If you wait for a guarantee, you'll never make a decision.

 

I really like MBEG, and what I am going to say is probably going to hurt her feelings, so let me first say this; MBEG, I really like you!!!

 

The way I see it, is that MBEG has no real clue what she wants.

 

I think she has some serious commitment issues, and some serious issues with wanting only that which is unavailable to her.

 

She is self-sabotaging.

 

When her husband wanted to repair their marriage, all she did was trun away from him and agonize over the loss of MM, who had turned his back on her. When her husband had enough and quit trying but MM started persuing her again, she started agonizing over losing her husband and turns away from MM.

 

She is addicted to the drama. She is addicted to the agony.

 

She invites the pain, because there is something broken deep within her that she, right now, has no desire to even begin to heal.

 

The best thing for her is to give up on the notion that she can heal things with her husband. Why do I say that? Because if she were to get him back, she would only follow his return with a change to agonzing about MM again, and after all he has been through, her husband deserves to not be drawn back into that kind of pain. The kindest thing she can do for her husband, if she really loves him, is to let him go without anymore drama.

 

She should get into intensive therapy. Perhaps an inpatient treatment, for awhile. Just to get away from the madness which she choses to surround herself with.

 

Chances are, she will not do that.

 

Honestly, I think that another dose of MM may be good for her. One of several things can happen as a result...

 

she can get with MM and it could work out and she could live happily ever after.

She could get with MM, decide she doesn't want to be with him and leave him alone for good.

 

She could get with MM he could decide he doesn't want to be with her and he could dump her for good.

 

She could TRY to get with MM at which point he runs back to his BW (since he seems to have the same issues as MBEG) and it could end the relationship for good..

 

anyway it works out, at least there would be resolution rather than this constant tug-of-war she participates and forces everyone else to play with her.

 

MBEG will never make up her mind, because as soon as she gets what she wants, she doesn't want it anymore. I do not think she does this intentionally, or to be purposfully hurtful... I think she has some issues that she needs to resolve before she will ever be happy, with ANYONE.

 

*shrug* I have seen she is in IC, I do not see that it is helping much.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

actually FA. you are incorrect.

 

i have been certain on my H. over the last few months he became a man i hardly know. i take 100% responsibility for this. it is a direct result of my actions during my affair.

 

i did not turn away from him while we were trying on our marriage. i gave it my best. he had no clue my inner conflicts, i only represented them here. some would say he probably could tell but i doubt it. i did a damn good job and everyone surrounding us would say the same. i hid my pain and grief and used this place and my IC for my only outlet. my H wouldnt have a clue if you asked him. i am certain of this.

 

my inconsistencies regarding xMM. they are not a result of my actions of feelings. they are a result of his. i have followed his ups and downs. havent made these choices on my own. when he wasnt an option i went with it. not that he is an option i am considering it.

 

i no longer agonize over xMM. if i did i would have responded long ago. i view him with caution, indifference. i dont trust him and question most of the intimate moments that we shared together. if H would return i would welcome it with open arms and never look back on xMM.

 

its only that now my H is gone and xMM is doing his best to show me he loves me that Im talking of it here. im not responding to him. he has no clue im still in love. im using LS as an outlet to question what i should do about this.

 

my real world is much different than the feelings i voice on here. here is where i say the things that i wonder about. here is where i can put my options out there and weigh the pros and cons.

 

i also, am considering neither of them. but when i think about my H i dont think anyone will ever compare. when i think about xMM i dont think i'll ever find that either.

 

the truth is i love them both. in different but equal ways. its just now im faced with a situation that i wasnt expecting.

[JustJoe]

FA, you are spot on! MBEG, your indecisiveness has cost you 1 affair and 1 marriage, time to grow up and act like an adult woman, and begin to commit to self-improvement. You say that when you were supposedly working on rebuilding your M, that you kept your feelings for the OM hidden, Why would you do that? How can you be honest with your husband and keep these things from him? At some point in time, you will have to face the truth, and quit making excuses, why not start now? End your marriage, and let your husband find a more positive relationship, erase the MM from your life, and WORK ON YOU. With help, you CAN rebuild your self-respect and integrity, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Fallen Angel]

actually FA. you are incorrect.

 

i have been certain on my H. over the last few months he became a man i hardly know. i take 100% responsibility for this. it is a direct result of my actions during my affair.

 

i did not turn away from him while we were trying on our marriage. i gave it my best. he had no clue my inner conflicts, i only represented them here. some would say he probably could tell but i doubt it. i did a damn good job and everyone surrounding us would say the same. i hid my pain and grief and used this place and my IC for my only outlet. my H wouldnt have a clue if you asked him. i am certain of this.

 

my inconsistencies regarding xMM. they are not a result of my actions of feelings. they are a result of his. i have followed his ups and downs. havent made these choices on my own. when he wasnt an option i went with it. not that he is an option i am considering it.

 

i no longer agonize over xMM. if i did i would have responded long ago. i view him with caution, indifference. i dont trust him and question most of the intimate moments that we shared together. if H would return i would welcome it with open arms and never look back on xMM.

 

its only that now my H is gone and xMM is doing his best to show me he loves me that Im talking of it here. im not responding to him. he has no clue im still in love. im using LS as an outlet to question what i should do about this.

 

my real world is much different than the feelings i voice on here. here is where i say the things that i wonder about. here is where i can put my options out there and weigh the pros and cons.

 

i also, am considering neither of them. but when i think about my H i dont think anyone will ever compare. when i think about xMM i dont think i'll ever find that either.

 

the truth is i love them both. in different but equal ways. its just now im faced with a situation that i wasnt expecting.

 

MBEG,

 

I know you probably feel like I am picking on you, but that is not my intent.

 

But if you read through the post you just made, with the eyes of someone on the outside, you can see all of the inconsistencies in what you are saying.

 

And while you claim that you were always certain of your H, we all were here and read all the posts where you admitted that was not the case. You did not give it your best, I assure you. You may want to look back and believe that, but the fact that you were here lamenting the loss of MM the whole time and the fact that you were still emailing MM (isn't that when H got violent and the marriage broke down for good?) proves that you did not give your marriage your all.

 

Never since starting this affair do I think you can HONESTLY say you gave your marriage 100 percent effort. I am sure you would like to think you did. I do not believe it to be true, and I think in time you will be able to see that as well. (It is hard to admit that we are the cause of our own pain.)

 

You say that when your MM was not an option you "went with it". Again, I must respectfully disagree. Go back and read your posts. The desperation in them for your MM was painful, for those of us who care about you, to read. You never gave up on having some kind of relationship with MM. Never, not once. There were times when you thought he would never be back to you, but you never stopped wanting him, not even for a moment, until husband took himself out of the picture and MM started persuing you... that is when the change seemed to take place.

 

You say in this post that you are ceratin that you would like your husband to come back and you would never look back. I think you would like to believe that, but I do not think you could put it into practice.

 

(((hugs to you, my friend)))

[Owl]

 

my feelings for xMM may have been the reason reconciliation did not work. or they may not be. sometimes, some things are just too damaging and cannot be fixed. yes, its because of my A. no, i do not believe it was due to me harboring feelings for this OM. do i think i could have given a better effort if i wasnt grieving the OM? yes. but i do not think its what caused it not to work. my H, ended up coming to terms that the person I created by having an A could not deal with what I had done. i dont fault him one bit. i can say that xMM had nothing to do with me agreeing to give up and divorce. I can also say that i wish things would have taken a different route and we were together still.

 

I understand what you're saying. Your H, once he learned of the affair, basically decided that he couldn't reconcile. From what you'd described, it sounds as though his (understandable) anger might have gotten out of control, unable for him to get past to the next stages so that the two of you could work through reconciliation. It happens sometimes. The emotional trauma that many BS's go through after an affair often changes them.

 

You love who your H was pre-affair, but aren't able to reconcile with the person he's become since.

 

xMM. i would miss him regardless. hes not my fall back plan. hes someone that i cared for deeply. something has to be said for that. but the end of my affair was due to circumstance of dday, not change in feelings for him. i wasnt sick of being the OW, i didnt have the ups and downs that many have here. it was cut off at its best. and so i will admit that after reading his explanation of throwing me under the bus...i still do not have negative feelings for him.

 

a life with him was never a consideration because we were both married. i didnt allow those thoughts in my head. now if it comes to the point that we're not married, the situation is different. i would consider it. not wanting him to be my fall back, just knowing that eventually i will get to a point where i will date again, and if it has to be someone other than my H i would certainly consider someone who i loved very deeply for many years.

 

my H was never the fall back either. i never would have left him for my xMM. never. there would be no flip-flopping on this one. but i will admit that im not sure i could have given up my xMM if i wasnt forced to. and with this i realize i am suffering the consequences of being a cake eater.

 

 

Here's what I'm not tracking. You've said on numerous posts that you're still in love with OM, and would consider being with him...even above, you say that if you're not married, the situation is different. You've said that you're willing to explore a relationship with him if you're both divorced.

 

At the same time, you keep insisting that you'd be willing to reconcile with your H, if that were an option.

 

This is what I was referring to. You're still trying to keep both...or either.

 

You're not focusing on picking one and letting one go completely...or letting both go, since neither option appears possible at this point.

 

You're not going anywhere "with all of your heart".

 

You're "keeping all of your options open" instead.

 

That's what people are trying to point out to you.

 

When/if you let one of them go, completely and totally....then you'll be able to focus completely and totally on the one that's left. It gives you a LOT better chance of actually moving forward.

 

Same thing for letting both go, actually.

 

But as long as you still cling to love for both of them...for as long as you still keep those options open...you're not moving forward at all.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I can also say that i wish things would have taken a different route and we were together still.

 

Are you saying you wish you hadn't had the affair... (given your H a reason to want out of the marriage) or are you saying that you wish he had accepted that however you chose to disrespect him and your marriage was all that he deserved in his life?

[NoIDidn't]

I can also say that i wish things would have taken a different route and we were together still.

 

Are you saying you wish you hadn't had the affair... (given your H a reason to want out of the marriage) or are you saying that you wish he had accepted that however you chose to disrespect him and your marriage was all that he deserved in his life?

 

 

There is really no telling what she is saying, it seems. It usually changes a few posts later anyway.

 

I don't even understand the OP in light of new information given in later posts.

 

I don't think the OP has any idea of what she is really feeling but whatever she is feeling seems to be changing with the wind.

[NoIDidn't]

MBEG

 

I frequently don't understand what it is that you are expecting other posters to help you resolve. From your very first post here, you were initiating NC with no plan in mind of what you were going to do during it. You spoke of wondering if he was going to call or write, or think of you, like you thought of him - but here you were initiating NC. A contradiction if I ever saw one.

 

And even now, you are saying you want your H, but not what he's become. You make it sound like he turned into something out of the blue, with no action from you at all. But that's another topic.

 

You seem stuck. Like you have no idea of what you really want, so you are doing nothing. But the problem is, you think you are doing something. You say you've only shared your feelings here, but those feelings haven't been supportive of what you say you were working on IRL - your marriage.

 

I think you would throw caution to the wind and run towards MM but ONLY IF he ran to you first. You are going along with a D you say you don't want. I don't buy it (not that you should care about that). Your words here seem to scream that you want the D, for whatever reasons. Reasons, though, you don't seem to want to admit even to yourself.

 

Its okay to not want to be married anymore and to get a divorce.

 

I don't think you should respond in any way to the messages from the MM. Not until you actually make a decision on what you want to do. No point in letting him know that a R with you is still an option (what I think FA was trying to say) until your D is final and you can actually commit to it and help erase the mistrust the two of you have towards each other.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...I'm glad MBEG's H is leaving her. No man should deal with the amount of crap she brought into his life! what kind of woman does that???

 

She needs to be alone. not with the XMM or the STBXH. The H is the victim here. Her affair changed him and she's blaiming him for it??? WTF?

[fooled once]

actually FA. you are incorrect.

 

i have been certain on my H. over the last few months he became a man i hardly know. i take 100% responsibility for this. it is a direct result of my actions during my affair.

 

i did not turn away from him while we were trying on our marriage. i gave it my best. he had no clue my inner conflicts, i only represented them here. some would say he probably could tell but i doubt it. i did a damn good job and everyone surrounding us would say the same. i hid my pain and grief and used this place and my IC for my only outlet. my H wouldnt have a clue if you asked him. i am certain of this.

 

How can you say he had no idea when you were basically in bed crying all the time? How can you say that? You say you didn't like the man he 'became' after the affair - the 3 YEAR affair - was brought to life....what did you expect MBEG? Him to just say "Oh, okay, it's over? Good. Let's move on". YOU CAN'T move on from the MM. So how was HE supposed to move on from your affair? You keep talking about all this love for this LOSER MM -- but what made you CHEAT in the first place? what did he provide that the man you married couldn't? Or was it just a game? Did you just love the sneaking around, laughing at how dumb your H and his W must look? Did you enjoy the drama of it all? You talk of how you feel in love with this guy -- yet you wanted your marriage and you never wanted the affair to end? Are you serious? How do you love a spouse and want a marriage, yet want to continue to have a love affair with someone forever??? I don't get that.

my inconsistencies regarding xMM. they are not a result of my actions of feelings. they are a result of his. i have followed his ups and downs. havent made these choices on my own. when he wasnt an option i went with it. not that he is an option i am considering it.

 

i no longer agonize over xMM. if i did i would have responded long ago. i view him with caution, indifference. i dont trust him and question most of the intimate moments that we shared together. if H would return i would welcome it with open arms and never look back on xMM.

 

I don't believe this at all. Because if this was true, you would have deleted the emails, you would have done everything in your power (including quitting your job) to PROVE to your H that you were invested in the marriage. Instead, you told your H each and every time you talked to the MM -- the guy who used to just stop by your office to talk. How do you think this made your H feel? His wife, who has finally confessed (and only because the married guy's wife found out) to an affair - a 3 year affair - is talking to the guy all the time.

 

Your H may not be open to MC at THIS time -- why is there a time table on it? Can't he be given the same time to decide on this as YOU put into the affair and grieving the affair? Why does it have to be RIGHT NOW that he attends MC? Maybe HE has issues to work through? Maybe HE NEEDS TIME? Instead, he needs to separate and you are already planning your next go around with the MM.

 

If you wanted your marriage, you would give it a minimum of 1 year to show your H how much you want him, the marriage. You wouldn't throw in the towel -- and be contemplating the next go around with the MM - in just a couple months. The fact that you are even ENTERTAINING the idea of getting back with him so quickly shows to ME that your marriage isn't what you really want.

its only that now my H is gone and xMM is doing his best to show me he loves me that Im talking of it here. im not responding to him. he has no clue im still in love. im using LS as an outlet to question what i should do about this.

 

So are you in love with both MM and H? The guy who totally gutted you, the guy who sunk you into depression, the guy who threw you under the bus (but that's right, he explained why he did it ) ... you are in love with someone like that? The guy who showed you his lack of character, his lack of integrity, his lack of honesty, his lack of trusthworthiness...how do you love someone like that? I am serious -- I don't understand how you can be in love with someone who is like that.

 

my real world is much different than the feelings i voice on here. here is where i say the things that i wonder about. here is where i can put my options out there and weigh the pros and cons.

 

i also, am considering neither of them. but when i think about my H i dont think anyone will ever compare. when i think about xMM i dont think i'll ever find that either.

 

the truth is i love them both. in different but equal ways. its just now im faced with a situation that i wasnt expecting.

 

So your H has a lack of character, lack of morality, lack of honesty, etc? Man, I guess I feel so bad for your H. He has stayed by your side, he has been with you for how many years...and now you love the guy you "never" wanted to have a permanent, honest relationship with as much as him? Wow.

 

I still advocate not dating ANYONE for a year -- I totally agree with FA - I think you need some intense inpatient therapy. I worry about what you are showing your children. I worry your children will really disrespect you when it comes out that the marriage ended because of the affair and you chose the cheater over dad (and the marriage didn't end due to abuse or 'falling out of love' since you claim to love your H).

 

But -- I would guess that in 6 months, you are back in a relationship with the MM. And I would guess that in 1 year from now, that relationship will be over and you will finally realize what you did to your marriage and THAT will throw you into a depression you haven't seen the likes of yet.

 

All I can say is Good Luck to you. I really hope before you make the move to the MM that you take time out for YOU and your children.

[jwi71]

 

But -- I would guess that in 6 months, you are back in a relationship with the MM. And I would guess that in 1 year from now, that relationship will be over and you will finally realize what you did to your marriage and THAT will throw you into a depression you haven't seen the likes of yet.

.

 

MBEG,

 

I have written in more than one thread you could be my xW.

I have counseled that you are walking a dark path and to change it.

I have said that no matter what, you have more hard and painful realities to face.

 

FO's quote above is where I was leading and insinuating.

 

You ARE doing everything my xW did.

I filed. Not even two months later she is with the "love of her life".

Then that fell apart. After a few months, she tried to come back. Except I have someone else now.

 

Then that nasty deep dark depression FO is speaking of...uh-huh...hit her full force. She has, if you read some of my posts, has become one angry, nasty, bitter woman. She has TWICE tried to come back. Once literally on her knees. You can image her reaction when I said "no".

 

Here and now, its not real for you - these dark clouds on your horizon.

But its coming. You and your MM may have fun for awhile but there is virtually zero chance of wedded bliss for you two. Because, you didn't choose him and he has NEVER chosen you.

 

Then the day will come. Those once distant dark clouds will be over your head. And you will realize something horrific. You walked away from everything you wanted and already had. For an illusion.

 

Grass is always and never greener on the other side.

 

Get yourself to IC and pronto.

 

As far as the men in question...go after one or the other...no matter. Neither wants you.

 

So sorry MBEG.

 

The only positive I can offer is YOU control your own destiny. And if you want a better life...you CAN have it.

 

JW

[whichwayisup]

MBEG, you've been given some really eye opening advice. I hope you take it to heart.

 

I know you're in therapy but maybe it's time to find another therapist as the one you have now isn't working..I could be wrong, but he/she hasn't seemed to help you the way they should be helping you. You seem to kind of be in denial about some things or not really ready to admit truths to yourself.

 

Hope that you work through these issues and stay strong.

[silverplanets]

Hi MBEG

 

Glad to see your ok and still posting. I very rarely get chance to visit here now as I am focused on living my life the way I want.

 

My view hasn't changed since your first post - this is about YOU and what you want to do. Sometimes being you is about being in a phase where you're not sure what you want to do.

 

IMHO this is fine !!! Hey - it's even healthy. Especially if you are aware that you are in a confused stage - and I think you are.

 

No matter what poeple think some things just can't be fixed in a day and sometimes there's no easy answer - but that doesn't take away the adult responsibilty to work it through over time.

 

And to me you ARE working it through - maybe the timescale and the route is not to everyone's likeing but it is what it is.

 

It looks to me like you are using LS to post and evaluate ideas/thoughts and then are processing these yourself offline and in the real world - that's healthy.

 

Maybe (well perhaps definately ) your relationship with H and MM are a bit non-clear at present but HEY to me that's ok ... YOU are taking responsibility for working through it and you're evaluating your thoughts and emotions as you go ... I'm PROUD of you.

 

Keep going girl - you're doing fine. Maybe one day in the future you do hit a wave of emotions over your M ending ... if you do then it's entirely normal grief NOT some sort of wierd karma, you deserve it type thing.

 

No matter what, your new found ability to not instantly react to things, take the time out to evaluate how you feel and accept that sometimes you have to make the best descisions you can with what you've got available will stand you in good stead.

 

be safe and, with each day, be happier

 

Chris

:-) x

[Untouchable_Fire]

i also, am considering neither of them. but when i think about my H i dont think anyone will ever compare. when i think about xMM i dont think i'll ever find that either.

the truth is i love them both. in different but equal ways. its just now im faced with a situation that i wasnt expecting.

 

I think this is your best option at the moment. You have a lot of work to do fixing yourself.

 

It's high time your happiness comes from the inside and not the outside.

 

Also... if you can "love" them both... then you don't really love either of them. I get the feeling you have never really been in love. I'm not talking about the obsessive compulsive emotional reaction we sometimes get... but actual Love.

 

When you love somebody... really love somebody... Your choices will reflect what is best for them, not just what is best for yourself. That means if you really loved your Husband, you would not have hurt him. If you really loved your MM, you would be willing to forgive and wait... ect.

 

Thinking that you can't do better is just silly. Your expectations and needs will adjust in time and hopefully you can find real love.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

inpatient therapy? come on people. its amazing to me how people choose words and phrases and specific incidents and related them to my entire scenario. as the day spent in bed crying as a specific moment after he done something that truly hurt. not months in bed crying every day.

 

i live a pretty normal life, busy as can be. only those that i trust the most know my struggles and how i really feel inside.

 

much of my statements that are picked out as going back and forth are responses to peoples questions. in an attempt to explain myself i do just that. tell how i feel inside.

 

i simply am not conforming to the set plan that most have...because its not right for me.

 

and i question this so called plan that most follow. there are countless women on here who go NC or say theyve thrown themselves back into their marriage 100%. only to come back time after time saying that they've broken NC and that hes hurt them again.

 

i would be untruthful if i said any of those things. i could. i could say ive been NC for 321.5 days and it is great! and all i can think about is my H and then come next week and talk about how i had started seeing him again.

 

i think the people who do that are much more confused than I. theyre not being truthful with themselves, simply playing the game and hoping that their hearts will follow.

 

it certainly would be easier on here to follow that route. instead i do what i can to make my life good for my boys. i havent responded to him but would be lying if i said i havent considered it. but instead of jumping in and doing it (afterall according to my court papers i am legally separated and may be seen with other men) i am coming here asking for advice, weighing the pros and cons.

 

i do love them both. differently, but both. and i have never ever said i trust xmm or dont think negative thoughts for his actions after dday. but i am not one to cast stones. i have made several horrible choices in life, but those choices dont define me. i have betrayed my husband and it was only afterwards that i realized the errors of my ways and felt remorse for my actions. so yes, i have to attempt to accept xmm's explanation and apology as i would like my H and his W to do with my explanation and apology.

 

as i said. i could conform to the "chosen route" that most people do on here only to lie to the other members and to myself. only to come back with my tail between my legs because i jumped in again without thinking it through. instead, im taking no action, working through all of the thoughts and trying to make a sound decision in the middle of a terrible situation. and for that, i have no regrets.

 

could i possibly have lost my H in the process? yes. but to have returned to the M earlier would have been lying to him and to myself. and for me that would have been as inappropriate as the affair itself.

Edited April 3, 2010 by mybrowneyedgirl

[White Flower]

Great post MBEG! It is YOUR life and you seem to be doing pretty well by examining it before making any RASH decisions. Stick to your guns and do right by YOU. I hope you keep us posted.