mybrowneyedgirl Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 thank you everyone who has followed my story and given advice. its been a very bumpy road. so xMM must have a way of knowing that I'm reading his emails. They are still coming. I'm reading, yet I havent responded. Its interesting to me that i feel numb to most of it. I think ive distanced myself much more than I realized. Maybe its because my marriage is now ending. Who knows. Im still very confused. So I've decided for the time being that I will wait until xMM is divorced (hes been separated for at least a few months) to resume communication with him. Even then I'm not sure that I will. But I havent responded to anything hes said. Not one word. I am considering telling him that I might be open to discussion after the divorces are final. Afterall, if we both end up divorced I would welcome a chance to see if things are still there. Telling him this would me contact, a reply to his email. I'm ok without doing this, but I do want him to know why I'm waiting to respond. I also dont want him to get the wrong impression and give up and not understand I'm waiting for a specific time to resume any contact. So. Would a simple one-liner be inappropriate? What are the pros/cons?
jj33 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I think you should do it. You dont have to be a slave to NC now that he has separated and you can control the amount of contact you have with him. You are a big girl. If for whatever reason he goes back, he goes back.
White Flower Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I think you should do it. You dont have to be a slave to NC now that he has separated and you can control the amount of contact you have with him. You are a big girl. If for whatever reason he goes back, he goes back. I agree. I am not even sure why you are in NC at this point.
Fallen Angel Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I agree with jj. The point of NC according to the masses here is to give both parties time to "clear the fog" and make up their minds about what they want. At least on his part, he appears to have done that, and it appears he wants you. i see no reason not to let him know that you are still an option provided he continues on the path he is now on. I spoke with My Sweetheart about my veiws on NC, and he said that if I asked him not to contact me til he had made up his mind, and then he made up his mind and contcted me, only to recieve no response, he would assume I had moved on, and he would respect that choice and quit trying to contact me. I think if you want to continue in a relationship with this man, continuing NC at this point is counter-productive. You may NC yourself out of the relationship altogether. I think you should take things very slowly, and certainly do not jump back into a relationship with him with both feet, but I see nothing wrong with a note that says, "Glad to see we are both heading in the same direction, hope to meet you there when we are done walking the paths me must walk alone. Look forward to holding your hand again when our paths meet so that we can walk to the final destination together. Keep on that path, and if you get there before I do, don't give up on me..." Good Luck hun!!!
Heather1 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 If you don't, I will!! Give him a chance, it's a new day.
fooled once Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I think until you get to the root of your issues, you cannot be in ANY relationship and I hate to see you jumping from man to man -- to whoever wants to be with you most. NC is a way to heal. I don't think you have healed from all the crappy things HE did to you. I think you just don't want to be alone. I think he has his own path to walk and I think HE doesn't want to be alone. I don't believe for 1 second he threw his marriage aside and you have repeatedly said if your H would give it a chance, you would jump back into your marriage. Grieve your marriage. Get IC. there is no reason why you need to let him know you will be there for him. After all the hurt he has caused you, I am amazed you still want to be with him. To each their own. But his actions spoke way louder than his words.
Hazyhead Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I think you are right to exercise caution here, mbeg. He put himself first, far before you, when trying to minimise the affair after dday. Could you trust this man with the whole of your heart to prioritise you and your relationship? I'm not so sure I would in your shoes. I agree with FO, you need your time too, and you're doing so well. Don't rush to do anything.
jennie-jennie Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I agree with jj. The point of NC according to the masses here is to give both parties time to "clear the fog" and make up their minds about what they want. At least on his part, he appears to have done that, and it appears he wants you. i see no reason not to let him know that you are still an option provided he continues on the path he is now on. I spoke with My Sweetheart about my veiws on NC, and he said that if I asked him not to contact me til he had made up his mind, and then he made up his mind and contcted me, only to recieve no response, he would assume I had moved on, and he would respect that choice and quit trying to contact me. I think if you want to continue in a relationship with this man, continuing NC at this point is counter-productive. You may NC yourself out of the relationship altogether. I think you should take things very slowly, and certainly do not jump back into a relationship with him with both feet, but I see nothing wrong with a note that says, "Glad to see we are both heading in the same direction, hope to meet you there when we are done walking the paths me must walk alone. Look forward to holding your hand again when our paths meet so that we can walk to the final destination together. Keep on that path, and if you get there before I do, don't give up on me..." Good Luck hun!!! I completely agree with FA here, and I talked to my MM as well and he said pretty much the same as FA's sweetheart. Don't miss the chance of a future relationship just because you have not told your xMM where you are at right at this moment.
anne1707 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 i see no reason not to let him know that you are still an option provided he continues on the path he is now on. MBEG After all this time, surely you want to be more than an option to him. If he really does want you he will come looking for you without you having to make it obvious and easy for him. He has treated you very badly and he now needs to make the effort, not you.
jennie-jennie Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I believe in second chances, but from what you've posted about MM, I don't think he deserves one. I think if you got some counseling and worked on you, you'd see that. I believe MBEG is in counseling.
Heather1 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 He is trying to make an effort & by not responding she'll never let him in to try. Absolutely use caution, but what if he really is who she's supposed to be with? Isn't this the good way to end up with OP? NC until they're divorcing from their SO? Set the limits for the new relationship & take the risk....that's if you still love him. If you don't, don't answer his emails & he'll give up. I'm not sure I wrote this before, but my H was seperated when I met him. Every step of the way my best friends told me it would never work (long distance, rebound, said he'd never get married again). One day I was at lunch listening to my friends & a complete stranger walked up to me & said she was sorry for evesdropping, but her H said the same thngs (so did her friends) & she was m for years & pregnant with her 3rd child. If I would have listened to my friends I'd be single for life. See what he has to say & you'll know. You have a good heart, you've tried your hardest. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy & your circumstances have changed.
Fallen Angel Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 MBEG After all this time, surely you want to be more than an option to him. If he really does want you he will come looking for you without you having to make it obvious and easy for him. He has treated you very badly and he now needs to make the effort, not you. He has come looking for her, but he at this point thinks she has shut the door completely, there is nothing wrong in letting him know that is not the case. Don't twist what I said to suit your purpose please. make your point as you will, as long as you do not misquote me in the process.
White Flower Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 FA I really like your new picture. sorry for the t/j
anne1707 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 He has come looking for her, but he at this point thinks she has shut the door completely, there is nothing wrong in letting him know that is not the case. Don't twist what I said to suit your purpose please. make your point as you will, as long as you do not misquote me in the process. FA Please get over yourself. I honestly think MBEG is being manipulated by the MM. He well and truly threw her under the bus in an attempt to save his marriage. That failed so he is now coming back to see if he can get what he well and truly sees as second best. This has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with any opinion I may/may not have of you. I am not after twisting what you said. Anybody on here could have used the word option and that is exactly what MBEG is to him.
Fallen Angel Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 or, your other option is to listen to everyone here who says STRICT NC FOREVER, then you will never know, eventually you will heal, and move on, and perhaps the man who was supposed to be with you will forvever be the one who got away, because you simply stuck to NC forever. Question to all the "stay NC forever" group... You keep pushing NC saying for someone to go NC to allow them to clear the fog and come to a decision, once they have done that, why do you still push NC?? It appears to me you all think NC should be forever and ever, and that all the bs you all spout about it being a way for him to decide is really hiding your desire for her to dump him forever. This man has made his choice, he is doing what she has asked/required of him, he is separated and divorcing, what more does he need to do before you NCers say she can resume contact? Is it the finialization of the divorce? Sometimes that takes more than a year... it is silly to tell her that, if you simply think she should not be with this man, just say so, but don't hide behind the guise of NC for the sake of clarity, when it seems that is not what you believe at all.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Ouch CB! You don't need to attack her character or her personally. MBEG: You are the only one who can answer this question. You going through a divorce too muddies the water a bit. But you have to follow your heart. No one here can make the decision for you. There are always those who will advocate NC and those that will tell you to get him no matter what. But you have to make an assessment about yourself and what you want your life to look like when the dust settles. You have to determine if this man is worth the future. And he may very well turn out to be. I had to make a choice too. I made my choice based on how I felt and what I saw him do. But he had to show me, not tell me. It is your choice. What does your heart of hearts want? I know for me, I would rather regret doing something, than regret having done nothing. You know this man. Is he a good man? Will he be a good partner? Does he have good qualities? Will he be there through thick and thin? Because divorces are VERY hard on new R, and if you end up with him, it is the beginning of something new. You will have twice as many ex's to deal with, ex's who would love to see the demise of your R. Now it can be weathered, but both parties have to want to see it through. What do you want? Do you love him? GEL
anne1707 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 This man has made his choice, he is doing what she has asked/required of him, he is separated and divorcing, what more does he need to do before you NCers say she can resume contact? But it is still not clear whether it is HIS choice or HIS WIFE'S choice. If he really does want MBEG, she can carry on NC until he is divorced. If he can then prove that he is genuine, then go for it but for now there is nothing he has done that would indicate he truly wants to be with MBEG.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 ...i didnt attack anyone just pointing out the facts. sorry if it seemed like i did. She's going to do what she wants reguardless. just hate the fact that she gets what she wanted and is still questioning things, go and run off with your FMM, MBEG, just do it. stop questioning things and just leap!
JustJoe Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 MBEG, DON'T contact him, until the ink has dried on the divorce decree. MY MW "separated", from her H at least 1/2 a dozen times, and filed, 2 or 3 times. So what? Separation isn't divorce. You know where he is, he knows where you are, so it's not as if you will lose each other. What would be the point in resuming anything now, when he STILL isn't free? If and when he is well and truly divorced, then there is plenty of time to resume contact. These posters who say that you should act fast or "loose your chance at happiness", are the same ones who are still having troubles with their affairs and it's aftermath. Don't start something new, until you are completely done with the old. Just sayin;)
White Flower Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 These posters who say that you should act fast or "loose your chance at happiness", are the same ones who are still having troubles with their affairs and it's aftermath. Ah come on now Joe, that isn't true. I would say answer one email and say, 'When the ink is dry give me a call'. And be done with it. You don't have to meet, feel the magnetic pull, and resume the R. Just let him know how serious you are. If he ever wants to see you again the ink better be dry.
Heather1 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 That sounds perfect...something that is ambigous about your feelings, but giving him a chance to match his actions with his words. Don't settle for less from him, but let him prove himself.
JustJoe Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Heather and WF, You KNOW it doesn't work like that!! One e-mail leads to another, which leads to a meeting, which leads to bed, which leads to having to do the whole NC thing, all over again. F**k no!! MBEG, try this mantra......NC, until free!!
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 MBEG, I suggest you take time, sit and re-read every single thread you've done on LS and read all the replies again. Just seems as times change, history is being slightly re-written and certain facts are being shoved aside. Love is love is love. Whatever... Just because you love him or he may love you, doesn't mean you two are 'right' for one another. You and this MM have had a VERY unhealthy dynamic and there's NO WAY it will work UNLESS each of you stay away from one another for a long time, sort yourselves out and be ALONE.
D-Lish Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Don't "wait" for him! Find yourself a man that has a faithful frame of mind.
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