Darcy Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 I've had this female friend, we'll call her Kelly, over the past 8 years. For the past few years we've been writing emails almost daily. She's 24 & I'm 27. We've attended many of the same schools, took the same major, her being a year behind. Kelly's mother & mine were friends in the late 1970's. She used to come to my house to visit. So I also have these vague memories of her from way back. I've looked at her like a little sister, but I think she assumes I had other *feelings* for her. Until late in high school, Kelly was modest & unassuming, but in grade 11 she came into herself. Everyone says she's extremely attractive. One of her boyfriends was obsessed with her looks. Although she is shy, Kelly likes all the attention. Over the years I've seen & heard how her boyfriends have treated her. One time, someone even asked if I could talk some sense into her. She's attracted to complete losers who treat her like dirt, abusing her mentally, if not physically. She's had a number of several-year long relationships always hoping they'll change. This last one is another of the same. He's constantly playing mind games on her...it's like he's a charter member of those pickup artist websites. I've pretty much given up helping her realize it. He can continue manipulate her for money (even though she probably makes 1/4 to 1/3 his salary), gamble his money away in the markets, string her along on some fantasy about starting a business (of course she'll do the work and invest in it), play the injured emotions card, and still talk behind her back while saying little to her. After a few years, she continues to feel he's misunderstood. Kelly's relationship with her parents is tenuous and she wants to move out, only staying to pay off her bills and right herself financially. He & her lived together for a little while, but not now. She's 24, her biological clock is ticking, and so much time has been invested in him. Kelly has few (if any) other friends, no close relationships. Her boyfriend is cold & calculating. Appears to not appreciate her. I've tried expand her group of friends (extremely nice people). She's made it clear she'd like to but can't, because of her boyfriend. Although we live 10 miles from each other, we've met in person 3 times in the time she's been with him. Last month I got to the point that I was finding it difficult talking to her anymore. When I do write, I get harrassing phone calls from a payphone near him, or (to an extreme) my house/car gets vandalized. I also hate hearing private things from our emails through the grapevine. After the last incident, I used an email account I knew he had access to read (how he got access I don't know) to say I needed to stop writing for a bit. Since then, not one phone call, not one computer attack, not one vandalization. No harrassment. Over the holidays, she sent me two sweet emails, one at xmas and another at New Year's. I responded to the New Year's one, first with a thanks, and then in another I finally told her that unless something changes I couldn't write any longer. I didn't accuse her of playing games, but said I was tired of her making excuses up about her boyfriend why we couldn't meet together and talk. If she values our friendship, she needs to put some effort into it and let me know when she's ready to seriously talk. I'm not angry, just indifferent. I really like Kelly as a friend. I like her family, the chemistry is great...we get lost in our conversations, don't care what she looks like. I simply enjoy her company, we click well together. There were times that I've wondered about pursuing something more with her, but I realize this could never happen until she grounds herself. She probably wouldn't think it either because I've likely put myself into too much a *big brother* role. As much as a care for her, it feels selfish. I hate seeing her make the same mistakes with guys, and being hurt. It's gotten though to a point that I feel like need to walk away for the time being for my own peace of mind. At the same time, I really miss her. It's hard, right now I've left the next move in her hands. Am I being too hard on Kelly?
Author Darcy Posted January 14, 2004 Author Posted January 14, 2004 Want to add that she is a sincere and a geniunely nice person. Everyone who knows her acknowledges that. Not trying to suggest she plays games. I feel that a major part of her problem is her low self-confidence in her abilities. She allows these things to happen. If you try to build it up or compliment her on something, it gets misinterpreted as flirting. Her looks also seem to be a negative as it's always attracted the wrong types of guys. Really just don't know.
Arabess Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Originally posted by Darcy Kelly's mother & mine were friends in the late 1970's. She used to come to my house to visit. So I also have these vague memories of her from way back. I've looked at her like a little sister, but I think she assumes I had other *feelings* for her. If you are a guy.....then the situation between her, her boyfriend and you would be understandable. He considers your relationship to her as a threat.
dyermaker Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 [Darcy, as much as that's a female name in my experience, I'm also assuming you are male] Personally, I feel like there are two motivations. You care about her, yes, but you also care about how she feels about you. You chose to pursue the "big brother" role rather than the romantic role, because less risks are involved, and it's immediately more rewarding for you. I understand what you mean about complimenting her on her appearance. It took a while for my girl to stop being uncomfortable when I tell her that she's beautiful, because she feels that it's implicit that she's not equally internally valuable. I also can relate to having people that you care about make bad choices. Trust me, you can't help someone who will not help themselves, and the more you try, the more she will resent you. In these cases, the role of friend and the role of therapist cannot be filled by the same person.
Author Darcy Posted January 14, 2004 Author Posted January 14, 2004 [Darcy - male character from Pride & Predjudice] Dyermaker. You're absolutely right about the role of being a friend & therapist. I avoid complimenting her appearance, she gets enough of that from others and it's one area I don't need to reinforce. I really couldn't care what she looks like. When I occasionally say something positive I'll focus on reasserting her making a good decision, or a skill. God knows, no one else seems to encourage her. This was another reason I wanted to expand her group of friends with people. For now, her bf bascially keeps her secluded. Just listening to her or talking to her mom in the supermarket, you can notice how the wedge gets deeper between her & the mom. In university I believe that I felt like I chose the big brother role, not so much because of being afraid of taking a risk, but I was myself in a terrific relationship. I saw the way other guys swooned over Kelly. A trophy. Telling myself that maybe it's my influence that's the problem is hard for me to justify. We had little involvement in university, and then almost no contact thereafter until a few years ago. Until the same week they started dating, when I'd broken up with my LTR and a mutual friend suggested I contact her. According to her and friends, every guy has treated her the same. Meanwhile, she just gets older and more desperate to marry. She'd make a wonderful wife & mom to kids. I might have looked at what-if's, but as long as she's so seriously confused with what to do in her life...her job, family, returning to school...it'd be a mistake. Despite saying that, I'm grateful for our friendship. Her encouraging me to leave my miserable old job three-years back and take a huge professional chance gave me considerable new experiences & doubled/tripled my salary. It was more than my LT-girlfriend (from the years before) ever did. For that I'm still indebted. *Sigh*. I thought about ignoring her, but all that would do was leave her assuming I'm angry. I'm not. It's also the coward's way out. She knows my concerns. Guess I have to leave it at that. Thanks.
Author Darcy Posted January 14, 2004 Author Posted January 14, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess If you are a guy.....then the situation between her, her boyfriend and you would be understandable. He considers your relationship to her as a threat. Huge rock through my car window, slashed tires, etc....nevered considered that a great way for someone my age to maturely handle a situation. It's also gotten tiring visiting the Mountie station to file vandalism reports & try to deal with insurance companies.
Author Darcy Posted January 14, 2004 Author Posted January 14, 2004 Maybe I should try to get her old friend to talk to Kelly. The "old friend's" opinion isn't highly regarded since the bf tried to once get her & her husband fired from their office. It was the "old friend" who introduced Kelly to the bf. He has difficulty working with others. At least if Kelly hadn't taken the bf's advice about selling the car, she'd not be even more so dependent on him. ... too much drama ... I should best just let it alone.
Arabess Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 Darcy.....it seems to me as though you are putting yourself into a person's life....who doesn't want or appreciate you being there in that capacity. You can perhaps be her friend....but not her 'life coodinator'. You may THINK you know what's best for this woman......but it's HER LIFE and HER CHOICE! I think you should back off.
Author Darcy Posted January 14, 2004 Author Posted January 14, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess Darcy.....it seems to me as though you are putting yourself into a person's life....who doesn't want or appreciate you being there in that capacity. You can perhaps be her friend....but not her 'life coodinator'. You may THINK you know what's best for this woman......but it's HER LIFE and HER CHOICE! I think you should back off. Arabess. Agreed on the last point, I have backed off. There's a dichotomy though between what she consistently asks and wants: "feel like your the only one i can talk to about this." "what should i do. If i"... "i know you get" ... "when i mention him to you, but he's"... "i don't think his idea about " ... " is good, but if i don't support him he'll hold it against me. What can i say to him to"... I made it extremely clear over the past year that her that I didn't want to talk about her relationship or give any advice. All I would do is say "uh hunh". I gave her the listening ear she seemed to need. That was it! I wish she would make a choice and not be led.
advicegirl Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 No, I don't think your being to hard on her. If only there was a way of telling her but not exactly yelling it all out to her. She obviously likes this person and feels like she doesn't want to listen to anybody but him. Maybe she will come to her sences. advicegirl
dyermaker Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 Originally posted by advicegirl Maybe she will come to her sences. Yes. She will come to her senses. No. You're not helping by bringing her to her senses. I know it's hard.
Author Darcy Posted January 17, 2004 Author Posted January 17, 2004 Thanks Advicegirl & Dyermaker. I heard from Kelly over the past two days. She was confused, told me that she loves him and afraid others think poorly of her, about how secretive he is, etc. Asked me if there's anything I know bad about him...she needs to know so she won't get hurt later. Worried she's done something wrong, or that what she tells me will get back to him. Kelly mentioned twice that she thought I understood what was between us and how we misinterpret each other so often. Now, unless I'm completely clueless she's never seen me as more than a friend. She said that he's not obsessed with her like the rest of her exes so she's afraid and sure he will dump her with little cause. This still after a few years and pinning her hopes on marrying him. I'm still following everyone's advice and backing off. With her so afraid, I suggested we not communicate until Easter so she can clear her head. I agreed that we misinterpret each other, she needs to be more direct. Finally told her that I could never understand what she's feeling or going through but I feel compassion for her. Also asked if she's talked to her mom or counsellor about how she feels (hint). You we're right, it's so hard and I'm extremely concerned about her. She needs to work this out on her own. I hope she can find the support she needs.
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