Am I controlling with our money?

[preyedon]

I need some other's mature advice.

First, I love my wife and want to make it work. I'll be honest, but every story has two sides.

 

Both of us were divorced with children when we met. We lived together and later married. Before marrying, I asked about money and she said that we were both good with money and should keep our own checkbooks and divide the bills. We both had good jobs. The only problems were our very different ways of raising the children. Hers lived with us and one of mine was a teen and the other came on weekends. Maybe, I'll ask for opinions on these issues later.

 

Money issue history.... shortly after marrying we decided to have a child together and she was to stop working until kindergarten. I paid off her student loan and what little she had left on her car. At first grade she started back. She took care of everything at home while I worked two jobs. I thought that she spent too much money and shopped too much and the fighting began.

I paid for everything except the groceries and $45 water bill. Against my will, I put her on my checking account and the deal was that she took out $500 every 2 weeks (actually, 26 times per year). Additionally, I always got $8K to $12K income tax returns that she put in her own checking account that I had no access to or clue how much there was. Basically, I paid for almost everything and she had at least $2000 per month for groceries, her gas and the $45 water bill.

She began writting more and more checks and constantly using the ATM card. It was very frustrating keeping up with the balance of the check book. I got angry when she would write checks over $100 close to payday or not tell me. I still do not know where all of that money went, but suspect that it was used on her children who are instant-gratification generation and lived better than I did / do. She also accumulated largte credit card bills that I paid off about once a year.

Now, she is back at work and makes almost $1800 per month and I still pay for everything from my paycheck except groceries and water because I make a lot more. I do not ask about her pay and spending and consider it hers. That isn't good enough. She wants access to my pay that I use for bills, savings and investment. She does not take money from my account because I got a new solo account after losing my checkbook (this was also due to the fact that several times in a fight she went to the bank and emptied the account. She usually put it back afterwards but used it twice to pay her credit card off.

Now, she is angry that I will not put her back on my account and says that she doesn't want to have sex.

There are some trust issues....she threatens me with humiliation at both work places, has often got angry and took all cash and bank money. She has lied to me about money. A couple years ago her son and had a deal that if he would be more mature, control his spending his entire paycheck within days, and stop getting tickets and wrecks I'd help him get a nice vehicle when he had a steady job. She knew the deal and watched us shake hands. Two weeks later, while I was working out of town, she electronically signed my name on our tax return for over $8000 and tied it up to back a loan that he could not afford on a vehicle. He could not afford full coverage and soon totaled the vehicle.

Once, she had a new ring and said that her mother bought it for her. Later, I bought a $300 gun and told her, she gave me hell until I found a reciept showing that she charged the ring on a credit card and lied to me. She has also lied to me about expensive gifts and cash / loans to her children. Sadly, we fight over raising children too. Her 22 yr daughter has terrible credit and her son was getting up to 7 NSF notices from the bank per week. I cannot live like this. This morning, after another money / no sex argument, I found 5 very recent overdraft notices that my wife had hid from me from her checking account. In the fall she wanted a new SUV, we fought because I said that it would be something to look forward to when she went back to work. She complains that we have an ATV, small boat and recreational property and investment.

Am I a dictator controlling prick for not living life for the minute with an instant gratification attitude?

Within the last few weeks, and her working while I pay for everything (I do make more) I gave her $200 for her planned vacation when we had it left over the day before my payday, I paid her $400 car insurance from our savings (kept in my account) and gave her $300 that I had won.

She pays a gym trainner $250 per month since last summer and counters that I buy cigarettes and beer.

 

Any advice? I know that I'm anal with saving and perhaps frugal with my paycheck, but that is why we have stuff that is mutual and beneficial to the entire family. I do not pamper myself or spend a lot on myself. I think that paying for almost everything and her doing as she pleases with her pay is generous. Am I missing the boat here?

[crazycatlady]

No you aren't controling, but this will never solve it for her. She doesn't get money and you have never made her get money - its not your job to teacher her either, but you do bail her out.

 

Money will be an issue forever until/unless she grows up or you seperate.

 

I have no words of wisdom, we struggle with the whole "want it now" attitude, I know how hard that is to break, we keep talking about it, and never succeed. Only we know its both of us, and not just one of us. So thankfully we don't fight about it.

 

What trouble me more is her willingness to use sex has a weapon. Nothing good comes of making sex a bargining tool or a threat. I find the practice to be one of the most manipulative nasty underhanded tactics either sex can use on the other. When I'm having sex with my partner, he knows I'm having sex with him because I want it I want him on a rare occassion its because I love him and want to give him a treat and am thinking nothing of a return for myself. But sex should always be about sex in a marriage/relationship.

 

CCL

[Mercedes]

I guess I can't relate to that type of life or woman No one has ever given me anything. To me, honestly, she appears to be a bit spoiled. She has lied on several occasions. Not little lies, big lies. But, a lie, is a lie, is a lie. She is a spoiled brat. My opinion. No I am not bitter maybe jealous. I wish I could live that life. Anyway, there appears to be lack of trust and communication.

 

Without good communication and trust, there is no good sex for me.

 

As for me, I can't have sex if I am stressed about bills. Sorry. It turns me on to have a man handle the bills. Pay bills, you get all the sex you want, how you want, where you want.

 

So, I guess I have to turn my own self on. Again, a boy runs and cries. A man handle things.

[JaneInVegas]

Assuming you're not over exaggerating (I get the feeling you're not) I probably would have left her by now. I was really frustrated and angered just reading about the $8,000 she handed over to her son, I can't imagine how that must have felt from your point of view. It really annoys me when I see parents teach their kids by bad example!

 

I'd say maybe you're just a tad controlling with the money, but that isn't the real issue here. The real issue is that your wife apparently has no self-control when it comes to money, and has no respect for it. Stop bailing her out! I would do whatever it takes to make sure she can never access a dime of your money again. Obviously this would cause fights and problems, but maybe counseling will help. Maybe you could also get her to take financial classes as well?

 

Good luck to ya buddy, you're really going to need it.

[FryFish]

So if you dont give her access to your bank account you dont get sex? Well, your "wife" is really just a whore. Pay the whore for sex in cash... but dont overpay. Make her earn it.

[preyedon]

Hey....remember that I said that I'm in love with her.

[D-Lish]

I think you need to talk to a counsellor about this. Money issues can put a real damper on a marriage. As much as you love her, it's obvious you have some resentment building on both ends. Don't under-estimate how resentment can flush a marriage down the toilet.

 

I don't think you're being controlling, I think you have a right to be concerned with her spending habits.

[FryFish]

Hey....remember that I said that I'm in love with her.

I do apologize. Im not sure that she is in love with you though buddy. Dont let her abuse you.

[D-Lish]

I do apologize. Im not sure that she is in love with you though buddy. Dont let her abuse you.

 

 

I think what she is doing is taking him for granted, perhaps abusing his generousity.

[FryFish]

I think what she is doing is taking him for granted

She has refused to have sex with him if he doesnt pay her...

[D-Lish]

She has refused to have sex with him if he doesnt pay her...

 

That's not being abusive really. She's angry with him, so she isn't into having sex. I believe she is in the wrong here- but I also think she feels entitled, hence her anger and with-holding.

 

They resent one another- and it's hard to be intimate with someone when you resent them. He's upset with her about her spending habits (rightly so), and she's retaliating by with holding.

 

It would be a good idea to get a counsellor involved before this gets worse. If it doesn't get addressed, it WILL get worse.

[preyedon]

I'm the man who found this forum and first posted this first post this morning "Am I controlling with our money? ".

 

Many of you suggested counseling….we have tried that. Counselors try to lead couples to conclusions. However, when one person doesn’t seem to get it, a counselor will not say “you are wrong”. Example: I’m always put last….a few years ago on Christmas day I stayed on the phone for hours getting airline tickets with some mileage and mostly cash. We were divided up in the plane with one person in coach and her, our toddler and her teenage son a couple rows away in first class. After working for hours to get the tickets, then paying myself from two jobs, solely supporting the family, while being an adult and parent, she put her 16 or 17 year old son in first and gave me the coach ticket. I’m punked like that weekly. The counselor tried, but would not just say that it was screwed up. My wife still thinks that it was ok, and I’m hurt over nothing.

I don’t mind supporting the family, but how about some love and respect. I never complained about supporting everyone ($1000 to my ex for support, and my now wife and her two kids who never got a single penny from their dad). She slept with our child for 5 years, her kids missed the school bus several times weekly. Her now 20 son has stolen a lot from both of us. I caught her outside talking to him about stealing and using her credit card, he stole my large jar with about $200 and she tried for a year to convince me that my friend did it while working in our home, she swore he did not do it, even after I caught him doing it again and now he admitted to both times. I was putting a new starter in his vehicle last week in the garage and he went through the front door and snuck off on me. Then I found drugs in the vehicle, after I got him a $3000 per month job that requires random drug testing, and he just got a random test. My wife and I fought 2 days before because I refused to help him get his 4 vehicle. He may not even have a job soon. $3000 a month and lives hotel style in our home and she won’t make him pay rent. He misused a trusting girl’s credit card for $2800, which nearly caused divorce when I threw him out because until it was proven, she was a “lying little whore”, and I’m a bastard with unsatisfying body parts.

 

I have worked around nearly all men my whole life, but am sure this crap isn’t normal and some woman would like and respect me without all of this drama. She actually subconsciously fought me in trying to raise her son properly and hold him accountable for his actions with consequences. Now, we are reaping what she sowed. It is heartbreaking to know that the way things are now, our child together will grow up with none of my values. I’m already often admonished in front of him for correcting his disrespectful behavior that I find so difficult to be around.

[mark982]

preyedon, she's seriously abusing your good nature. you're going to have to seriously put your foot down. no sex, oh well, no offense you can either pay for sex at home,or !!! on top iof everything she forges your name to a contract,and why in gods name are you giving her all the income tax return? she needs some serious help, before she drives you completely broke.

[D-Lish]

Well, as this thread goes on, her behaviour and her kids behaviour gets worse...

 

You're changing my mind- maybe it is time to leave if you can't stand up to them. Afterall- it's you that decides if you say yes or not- and you seem to say yes a lot, or at the very least- you excuse a lot of behaviour that shouldn't be excused.

[preyedon]

I know, but sometimes it is just easier than the fight. I'm not dealing with someone who thinks along the same lines as I do.

 

Hell, I could be a hand-over the paycheck husband and forget all the bill hassle if I could trust that stupid things that I do not approve of would be done with the money. However, if I did that, I'm quite sure that we would have nothing ..........well maybe the kids would be more spoiled and damaged by lack of parenting and values.

A guy is susposed to support his wife and family right? I hear that all other men do.

[xxoo]

Your wife's lying and irresponsible spending would be dealbreakers for me. I'd insist on counseling, or divorce. I couldn't live with that lack of trust and respect.

 

However, this paragraph:

 

Many of you suggested counseling….we have tried that. Counselors try to lead couples to conclusions. However, when one person doesn’t seem to get it, a counselor will not say “you are wrong”. Example: I’m always put last….a few years ago on Christmas day I stayed on the phone for hours getting airline tickets with some mileage and mostly cash. We were divided up in the plane with one person in coach and her, our toddler and her teenage son a couple rows away in first class. After working for hours to get the tickets, then paying myself from two jobs, solely supporting the family, while being an adult and parent, she put her 16 or 17 year old son in first and gave me the coach ticket. I’m punked like that weekly. The counselor tried, but would not just say that it was screwed up. My wife still thinks that it was ok, and I’m hurt over nothing. .

 

makes me wonder about her side of the story. My immediate thought as a mother is, "of course I wouldn't let my teen travel alone." For a reality check, I put the question to my H (simplified, though).

 

Me: you have 4 tickets--3 for first class, and one for coach. those are the only choices for tickets. There's a mom, a dad, a 16/17 yo, and a toddler. Who sits where?

Him: Mom and kids in the front, dad in the back.

Me: Does it matter if the teen is a boy or a girl?

Him: No. No way am I letting my kid sit alone in the back while the rest of the family sits in the front.

 

So, there you go. He felt just as strongly about it as I did, and he's the main wage earner here. To be frank, having done both, I'd choose flying coach alone over flying first class with a todder any day of the week. If the flight was long, my H and I would probably switch seats in the middle, to give each other a chance to sleep (be away from the toddler).

 

I wonder if there is a huge, overarching stepkid issue at play here, causing a lot of mutual resentment? Since I wholeheartedly agree with your wife POV on that issue, I wonder how differently I'd feel about the situation if I heard her side of things?

[mem11363]

That would have been a deal breaker for me. No kidding - I would have nicely told her - if I am in coach - I am walking off the plane and calling ahead to cancel the hotels - I am moving out of the house and you can pay ALL the bills going forward.

 

Don't get me wrong - I GET IT that the KIDS are going to be bad - my teenagers are really tough at times. But if my WIFE took their sides that would not be acceptable.

 

This is not about her - this is about you letting her treat you like a doormat.

 

Withholding sex to try to control you - just an escalation of doormat treatment.

 

I'm the man who found this forum and first posted this first post this morning "Am I controlling with our money? ".

 

Many of you suggested counseling….we have tried that. Counselors try to lead couples to conclusions. However, when one person doesn’t seem to get it, a counselor will not say “you are wrong”. Example: I’m always put last….a few years ago on Christmas day I stayed on the phone for hours getting airline tickets with some mileage and mostly cash. We were divided up in the plane with one person in coach and her, our toddler and her teenage son a couple rows away in first class. After working for hours to get the tickets, then paying myself from two jobs, solely supporting the family, while being an adult and parent, she put her 16 or 17 year old son in first and gave me the coach ticket. I’m punked like that weekly. The counselor tried, but would not just say that it was screwed up. My wife still thinks that it was ok, and I’m hurt over nothing.

I don’t mind supporting the family, but how about some love and respect. I never complained about supporting everyone ($1000 to my ex for support, and my now wife and her two kids who never got a single penny from their dad). She slept with our child for 5 years, her kids missed the school bus several times weekly. Her now 20 son has stolen a lot from both of us. I caught her outside talking to him about stealing and using her credit card, he stole my large jar with about $200 and she tried for a year to convince me that my friend did it while working in our home, she swore he did not do it, even after I caught him doing it again and now he admitted to both times. I was putting a new starter in his vehicle last week in the garage and he went through the front door and snuck off on me. Then I found drugs in the vehicle, after I got him a $3000 per month job that requires random drug testing, and he just got a random test. My wife and I fought 2 days before because I refused to help him get his 4 vehicle. He may not even have a job soon. $3000 a month and lives hotel style in our home and she won’t make him pay rent. He misused a trusting girl’s credit card for $2800, which nearly caused divorce when I threw him out because until it was proven, she was a “lying little whore”, and I’m a bastard with unsatisfying body parts.

 

I have worked around nearly all men my whole life, but am sure this crap isn’t normal and some woman would like and respect me without all of this drama. She actually subconsciously fought me in trying to raise her son properly and hold him accountable for his actions with consequences. Now, we are reaping what she sowed. It is heartbreaking to know that the way things are now, our child together will grow up with none of my values. I’m already often admonished in front of him for correcting his disrespectful behavior that I find so difficult to be around.

[mem11363]

I was conflicted over the airline thing - I agree the other stuff is bigger. And I have always pushed wife/kids to the front BUT if I had a step child who was not respectful - I would have addressed this before the trip and he would not have been in first - NO ONE would have been in first if they had treated me the way this guy is getting treated. We would have ALL been in coach and if that wasn't good enough for wife - we would either have driven or not gone.

 

But this guy - getting treated badly AND getting put LAST not cool.

 

PS: Your kid 16 year old kid is WAY safer in coach than at the mall or almost anywhere else.

 

 

Your wife's lying and irresponsible spending would be dealbreakers for me. I'd insist on counseling, or divorce. I couldn't live with that lack of trust and respect.

 

However, this paragraph:

 

 

 

makes me wonder about her side of the story. My immediate thought as a mother is, "of course I wouldn't let my teen travel alone." For a reality check, I put the question to my H (simplified, though).

 

Me: you have 4 tickets--3 for first class, and one for coach. those are the only choices for tickets. There's a mom, a dad, a 16/17 yo, and a toddler. Who sits where?

Him: Mom and kids in the front, dad in the back.

Me: Does it matter if the teen is a boy or a girl?

Him: No. No way am I letting my kid sit alone in the back while the rest of the family sits in the front.

 

So, there you go. He felt just as strongly about it as I did, and he's the main wage earner here. To be frank, having done both, I'd choose flying coach alone over flying first class with a todder any day of the week. If the flight was long, my H and I would probably switch seats in the middle, to give each other a chance to sleep (be away from the toddler).

 

I wonder if there is a huge, overarching stepkid issue at play here, causing a lot of mutual resentment? Since I wholeheartedly agree with your wife POV on that issue, I wonder how differently I'd feel about the situation if I heard her side of things?

[xxoo]

We would have ALL been in coach and if that wasn't good enough for wife - we would either have driven or not gone.

 

Yeah, I can wholeheartedly agree with that if we had a dynamic this bad.

 

But putting my kid in coach while we rode first would not be an option for me as a parent. It doesn't have that much to do with safety with a kid that age, but more to do with the message it sends. We arranged the tickets, not him, kwim?

 

Then again, I would ride coach myself and let my husband ride first with the kids, if it were only important to me (lucky for me, it is equally important to my H). It doesn't sound like the op's wife even considered that option, which is definitely telling.

[JaneInVegas]

I am totally on your side on just about everything so far, except for the airline seating ordeal. I have a 17 year old daughter, and there is no way I would let her sit in coach by herself. It's too bad things worked out the way they did, but this should not be a source of contention between you two. Maybe you could have offered to sit with the kids while your wife sat in coach, but no kids left alone. Sorry.

 

My apologies for being so blunt, but your wife sounds like a total bitch and I don't know how you can stand putting up with her. If you decide to stay with her, you best be prepared to put up with it for the rest of your life. It's very unlikely she's going to change.

 

Good luck to you.

[just_some_guy]

Lies and hiding expenditures, overdrawn accounts and then running off to empty the account after a fight?

 

Screw that. DIVORCE. PERIOD. File first thing in the morning.

 

She is abusing you, flat out, abusing you. Grow a pair and go as fast as you can.

[Spark1111]

Somewhere along the line....it sounds to me that you two got into a major power and control issue, whether it was about step=kids, money, airline tickets or sex.

 

It has escalated to the point of OUT of control! You have both dug your heels in and it is spiraling to the point of silliness and total disintigration of your marriage.

 

Find another MC!

 

Marriage is about mutual respect, consideration and trust; you need to agree about how to handle the kids. You need to negotiate these issues calmly and kindly with one another. You need to start communicating in a loving positive manner with each other!

 

You guys need good professional help today! To save it or dissolve it amicably. You MAY both love each other, but the actions you describe speak of huge, unresolved resentments with people acting childishly and crazily.

 

I think you control the money, and now she is controlling the sex.

 

Find a better MC! Today.

[kellyh66]

Well, as this thread goes on, her behaviour and her kids behaviour gets worse...

 

You're changing my mind- maybe it is time to leave if you can't stand up to them. Afterall- it's you that decides if you say yes or not- and you seem to say yes a lot, or at the very least- you excuse a lot of behaviour that shouldn't be excused.

 

Always remember there are two sides to every story and trust me you are definitely not hearing the whole story or anything close to the truth. I think that if you did hear the whole TRUE story everyone would have a different view on this.

[Mr White]

I am totally on your side on just about everything so far, except for the airline seating ordeal. I have a 17 year old daughter, and there is no way I would let her sit in coach by herself. It's too bad things worked out the way they did, but this should not be a source of contention between you two. Maybe you could have offered to sit with the kids while your wife sat in coach, but no kids left alone. Sorry.

 

.

 

No offense, but this makes me cringe... --> to refer to - and treat - an 17 year old as a child is absurd...

I and most of my childhood friends have been working - and traveling alone - since the age of 14. (That's probably one of the reasons we turned more successful than most of our peers...)

I'm not saying that a 17 year old is a fully functioning adult, but treating him like a child probably only exacerbates the existing immaturity. At the very least, a 17 year old is perfectly capable to handle himself or herself during a freaking flight, for crying out loud.

I'm not surprised that so many people today move back home, with mommy and daddy, after 6 years in college.

[kellyh66]

I am totally on your side on just about everything so far, except for the airline seating ordeal. I have a 17 year old daughter, and there is no way I would let her sit in coach by herself. It's too bad things worked out the way they did, but this should not be a source of contention between you two. Maybe you could have offered to sit with the kids while your wife sat in coach, but no kids left alone. Sorry.

 

My apologies for being so blunt, but your wife sounds like a total bitch and I don't know how you can stand putting up with her. If you decide to stay with her, you best be prepared to put up with it for the rest of your life. It's very unlikely she's going to change.

 

Good luck to you.

I am far from being a bitch you have no idea what you are talking about. If you choose to believe every lie that is posted that is your problem.