Author Kamille Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 If I recall your relationship-style with your b/f, Kamille, the two of you normally discuss most things, whether they're issues or not and negotiate some kind of agreement or mutually satisfying decision. With this one issue, it's become an unresolved difference, since the two of you have discussed it, multiple times. He gives lip-service but when push comes to shove, his actions don't match. Is this an accurate representation? It's somewhat accurate. I don't think he's so much giving lip-service. I feel that even though we've talked about this, he genuinely doesn't get why this is such an issue for me. On the one hand, it's because work his is priority (but he is a last-minute worker), on the other, it's because up until now I did my best to accommodate him. We would always negotiate and find another time that worked for us both - albeit a lot of time this involved me reorganizing what I could in my schedule. (I am more organized and that, oddly enough, is what makes me more flexible). We have talked, calmly and rationally, about the fact that I feel like his schedule dictates mine, but I don't think he realizes how or why this gets annoying. I admit that's why I went PA on his ass. I'm hoping something will come out of this discussion and he will realize that up until now, he has been relying on me being accommodating.
Author Kamille Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 Kamille, so say if the next time you see your bf he seems happy and as if everything is fine. He doesn't bring up this little conflict or your reaction. Would you go along with it or insist on a discussion? I would-will insist on a discussion. Communication has always been one of our biggest strengths, in spite of what it might look like on this thread.
threebyfate Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 It's somewhat accurate. I don't think he's so much giving lip-service. I feel that even though we've talked about this, he genuinely doesn't get why this is such an issue for me. On the one hand, it's because work his is priority (but he is a last-minute worker), on the other, it's because up until now I did my best to accommodate him. We would always negotiate and find another time that worked for us both - albeit a lot of time this involved me reorganizing what I could in my schedule. (I am more organized and that, oddly enough, is what makes me more flexible). We have talked, calmly and rationally, about the fact that I feel like his schedule dictates mine, but I don't think he realizes how or why this gets annoying. I admit that's why I went PA on his ass. I'm hoping something will come out of this discussion and he will realize that up until now, he has been relying on me being accommodating.Then he's being unempathetic to your needs. His needs trump yours. I think this is a prime example of how resentment builds, when needs aren't being met, especially when it comes to something as important as prioritization. One thing that members sometimes forget to take into account, is that issues like this that aren't permanently resolved, don't happen in a vacuum. Sooner or later, something's gotta' give. Once again, let's see how he handles this. How he and you handle this, will define any future in your relationship. I sincerely wish you luck in this and watch with interest. If any member can find a solution and resolution, you can.
freestyle Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 whether or not your response was inappropriate, or childish, depends on how often you've been the one accomodating his scheduling needs. If this has been an ongoing pattern, I can understand how cumulative frustration would prompt a knee-jerk reaction from you. I do believe there are cases where the most effective way to make a point is to put the shoe on the other foot. Sometimes , people will only understand how their behavior affects those around them, when they have a taste of it themselves. I had a similar issue with my SO of the last 5 years, regarding scheduling. I felt like I was jumping through hoops to fit into his schedule. My first instinct was to react much like you did........... ..but instead, I flat-out told him,"I'm very tempted to say (XYZ) to you right now.Just so perhaps you'll understand what I'm feeling...... But I won't, because that would feel like game-playing to me, and I don't want our relationship to be about games, and power struggles." When I presented it to him like that, I think it actually got through to him.It did bring about a change in his behavior for the better. I suspect it was the straightforward, rational delivery, that made a difference.(that was actually really hard for me, as I can be very emotional at times) So, that worked for me, on that aspect of our R. I still get tempted to retaliate from time to time when issues arise.There are points when love overrides logic, and my emotions get the best of me...... You said,"you're tempted to leave the ball in his court and see how he deals with your tantrum..." it might sound strange, but I think it's a good idea. I once heard someone say, " A good couple is one who fights well together...." it didn't make sense to me until I really thought about it.......I concluded that you don't really know someone until you've had a fight with them. And, seeing as how conflict is inevitable at some point in every LTR,it could be beneficial to know whether or not you can argue/disagree with someone......... without it becoming ugly. I wish you my best.........FS
Author Kamille Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 ..but instead, I flat-out told him,"I'm very tempted to say (XYZ) to you right now.Just so perhaps you'll understand what I'm feeling...... But I won't, because that would feel like game-playing to me, and I don't want our relationship to be about games, and power struggles." That's brilliant! I will definitely try that next time something like this happens.
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 The problem here is that they seem to have had a number of discussions on this and things still seem to stay the same. At what point do you just give up on discussions and try other tactics? Kamille is one of the most well balanced posters on LS. Obviously, her frustration has built up to the point where she did something out of character.
melodymatters Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 The problem here is that they seem to have had a number of discussions on this and things still seem to stay the same. At what point do you just give up on discussions and try other tactics? Kamille is one of the most well balanced posters on LS. Obviously, her frustration has built up to the point where she did something out of character. Pretty much what I was thinking S&W ! When the one who " has their **** together" is the one who has to do the most bending, it starts to become reverse reinforcement !! Snip that in the bud.......
Author Kamille Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 The problem here is that they seem to have had a number of discussions on this and things still seem to stay the same. At what point do you just give up on discussions and try other tactics? Kamille is one of the most well balanced posters on LS. Obviously, her frustration has built up to the point where she did something out of character. Thanks SandC for the compliment! And while I do have knee jerk reactions from time to time, this is indeed out of character for me. It's at least out of character enough for me to feel destabilized yet excited by my response and lack of desire to immediately make amends. A part of me is just thrilled that I finally let myself off the hook and am allowing myself not to be the perfect partner.
D-Lish Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Thanks SandC for the compliment! And while I do have knee jerk reactions from time to time, this is indeed out of character for me. It's at least out of character enough for me to feel destabilized yet excited by my response and lack of desire to immediately make amends. A part of me is just thrilled that I finally let myself off the hook and am allowing myself not to be the perfect partner. Honestly K, it's perfectly alright to have a little passive aggressive blip here and there. So what, you reacted opposite of how you would normally react. If nothing else it gives him reason to think about taking you for granted. If you are always the one re-arranging your schedule, it's perfectly okay to stand up and say "NO", not this time. If you say "not this time", once and a while, he will learn not to take you for granted. As Dr. Phil loves to say "teach people how to treat you". Sometimes you can talk about how something makes you feel until you are blue in the face, but it doesn't get you results. Actions often get results. Sure, you will talk about it when you guys have time together- but for now, you've taught him that you aren't there for him at HIS disposal. Nothing wrong with that. As Pyro said- it's not a tactic to use all the time- but in your case, the sporadic use of consequence is probably going to have a better effect. All you did was give him a little glimpse into what it's like to not have what he wants when he wants it.
sweetjasmine Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 ..but instead, I flat-out told him,"I'm very tempted to say (XYZ) to you right now.Just so perhaps you'll understand what I'm feeling...... But I won't, because that would feel like game-playing to me, and I don't want our relationship to be about games, and power struggles." That's great. Definitely saving that for future use. It's better than actually having to resort to the passive-aggressive stuff. Thank you.
Author Kamille Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 If you say "not this time", once and a while, he will learn not to take you for granted. As Dr. Phil loves to say "teach people how to treat you". Thanks D, yes I will talk about my reaction and the feelings that prompted it when we meet. I want him to realize that it isn't always convenient for me to fit him into my schedule and that my time is as valuable as it. Of course, what we are all currently missing right now is his side of the story. Perhaps he also feels like he's putting a lot of effort into accommodating my schedule. I'll keep you guys posted.
threebyfate Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 A part of me is just thrilled that I finally let myself off the hook and am allowing myself not to be the perfect partner.Hell yes, that's a tall order to put onto yourself, especially since he's also not been the perfect partner. If it matters to you, H. and I are far more snippy than what you've written, even in the last 48 hours. But we work through it and no one takes it personally, so that's pretty much all that matters. Resolution. What you've displayed isn't underhanded or horrible behaviour. If anything it can also be construed as asserting your own boundaries. Dirty tricks in fighting, are using vulnerabilities your SO has privately disclosed to you, against him. For example if he's sensitive about losing some hair, being nasty about this vulnerability. Or if you're feeling sensitive about some body part, him pushing those buttons.
norajane Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 A part of me is just thrilled that I finally let myself off the hook and am allowing myself not to be the perfect partner. Kamille, you do not have to be the perfect partner! Or a perfect anything. Relax. And, in fact, you shouldn't be perfect, whatever that means. It sets up some very high expectations, makes you feel bad about yourself when you don't meet those expectations, and makes other people feel like they are always the f*ck-up in the relationship. They don't like feeling like they always come up short to your perfection, like they're always disappointing you.
Bejita463 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I think this is a prime example of how resentment builds, when needs aren't being met, especially when it comes to something as important as prioritization. I really, really like the way you've worded this.
Ariadne Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I'm curious to see how we'll solve this conflict. Your relationship has become a fwb rel. so he is acting as in one.
Author Kamille Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 So at about 6 tonight, when I hadn't heard from him, I decided not to let this conflict turn into the silent treatment. I gave him a call before heading to a class. I decided I was going to set our next date (where I am sure we will discuss all of this). He sounded very happy to hear me and immediately said he wanted to see me. I said I couldn't tonight, knew he couldn't tomorrow night so how about Wednesday. He immediately said: yes sure, Wednesday and set up an early meet time that is practical for the both of us (instead of slagging my in between two work engagements as he often does). So, question is: did he actually get it? He didn't sound angry or peeved at all, but we both alluded to the fact that we had to clear the air.
Author Kamille Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Well so we finally had out date last night and as soon as we sat down he brought up the subject of "what's going on with us?". I told him (again) that I felt his schedule dictated mine. He thought about it a little bit and told me: "okay I see your point". He brought up my "making a dig" at him (the too tired, stressed line) and I apologized. That was that. As the evening wore on, we talked about schedules and organization more, on a lighter note. I said that I felt like if I didn't reorganize my schedule to fit him in, we would hardly ever see each other. He said "really? I dare you to! I dare you to stop reorganizing your schedule for me and I assure you we will still see each other. Plenty." I asked "how?" and he said "I guess I will need to be more flexible with my schedule". So right now we're playfully daring each other: I'm going to stop fitting my schedule around his and he's going to make more (quality) time for me. I really like where we are now on the issue.
threebyfate Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Nicely done, Kamille! I'm kind of giggling a bit since he really backed himself into this! He has no idea how far you can push this! But knowing you, you will handle this in a responsible fashion.
Author Kamille Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Nicely done, Kamille! And bf. He intentionally initiated the dare. And he was so cute doing it. Made me realize why I loved him: instead of turning any of this into drama, he assessed the situation and immediately found an original, playful solution. I'm kind of giggling a bit since he really backed himself into this! He has no idea how far you can push this! But knowing you, you will handle this in a responsible fashion. Yes, I will try my best not to overload my schedule with other activities .
threebyfate Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 As a cautionary, you might want to casually get him to quantify this word: He said "really? I dare you to! I dare you to stop reorganizing your schedule for me and I assure you we will still see each other. Plenty." Without putting a number to this word, it can lead to a disparity of definition, hence needs.
Author Kamille Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Good point. Although as I understand it, the idea is for me to stop worrying about making sure about how often we see each other and let him take the lead in that area. Though how I could casually bring it up without seeming like I'm trying to take the control of it.
threebyfate Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Understood. With what you've just stated, the only thing you can do is to wait it out and see what "plenty" means to him. If "plenty" isn't enough time for you, this will probably act as a rebalancing tool, where you're going to also have to compromise your schedule, to get any additional time based needs, met. The trick is how far to rebalance and also, when to assert boundaries again. Your relationship model is different than mine, so it's sincerely interesting to watch the different dynamics. Hope you don't mind my "peeping Thomasina" act, flavored with some advice, to be taken or not.
Author Kamille Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 Please peep and chime in Thomasina, by all means! What was most interesting yesterday was that he was the one who brought up past conversations we had had on the topic. He said, looking disgruntled, "I thought I was doing better!".
sb129 Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 The thing is: I'm fed up and I no longer want to try and understand, accomodate or rationalize his schedule. That was the core issue- I told him (again) that I felt his schedule dictated mine. He thought about it a little bit and told me: "okay I see your point". He brought up my "making a dig" at him (the too tired, stressed line) and I apologized. That was that. As the evening wore on, we talked about schedules and organization more, on a lighter note. I said that I felt like if I didn't reorganize my schedule to fit him in, we would hardly ever see each other. He said "really? I dare you to! I dare you to stop reorganizing your schedule for me and I assure you we will still see each other. Plenty." I asked "how?" and he said "I guess I will need to be more flexible with my schedule". What a great resolution- well done K.
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