Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Boyfriend and I are currently having a disagreement (sounds much nicer than fight doesn't it?). For the first time in this relationship, I've given up the high road and decided to let my immature side out. The disagreement is about time management, as all our disagreements seem to be. My beef is that I feel like I'm always the one who accommodates his schedule, but that he hardly ever accommodates mine. I asked him if we could hang out yesterday and he said that he was "too stressed, tired and grumpy and wouldn't be good company". Today he calls and asks if we can hang out. I replied that I was working today (which is true) and that I didn't think so. He asked if we could hang out later tonight, after his scheduled hockey game with his buddies. I replied : "I'm too stressed, tired and grumpy and wouldn't be good company". Childish but it's actually true and it reflects how I feel. I'm curious to see how we'll solve this conflict.
Author Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Yes, up until the point one feels they're the ones consistently asked to accomodate the other. Compromise goes both ways.
Pyro Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Two wrongs never make a right, but sometimes you need to do that to give the other person a wake up call. I hope that this gets through to him.
Author Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Two wrongs never make a right, but sometimes you need to do that to give the other person a wake up call. I hope that this gets through to him. Thanks Pyro. I admit that when I told him that line I was thinking "here's a taste of your own medicine sweetie".
Pyro Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Thanks Pyro. I admit that when I told him that line I was thinking "here's a taste of your own medicine sweetie". I forgot to add that it's a method that should not have to be used that often. That is pretty much what it is.
Author Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 I forgot to add that it's a method that should not have to be used that often. That is pretty much what it is. No worries, this is the first time in 7 months of dating. And to be honest, everything I said is true: I am helping a friend with a paper today, have two projects due before April first, just got back from doing intense work in another city, am therefore stressed and tired and... well... okay the grumpy is mostly caused by bf. He was hoping that I would either set work aside or make time for him after 10 pm, ie, at his convenience. What pissed me off the most was that I realized that if I didn't make time for him today, then we wouldn't be able to see each other until Wednesday at the earliest. But then, why should I be the only one to renegotiate my schedule to make sure we see each other often enough? I'm pretty confident we'll be able to talk about this like two mature adults when we finally do find the time to meet.
threebyfate Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I'm seriously curious how this will pan out. How he reacts will illustrate whether he's self-centered, empathetic and/or has done some self-actualization.
norajane Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I don't think you did anything wrong. Spitting his words back at him was passive-aggressive, but you were frustrated. Problem is, passive-aggressive rarely gets through to people who feel entitled to what they want when they want it. But taking a stand and being firm about your time has to happen at some point, and that means saying no and not being accommodating all the time. He was hoping that I would either set work aside or make time for him after 10 pm, ie, at his convenience. What pissed me off the most was that I realized that if I didn't make time for him today, then we wouldn't be able to see each other until Wednesday at the earliest. But then, why should I be the only one to renegotiate my schedule to make sure we see each other often enough? You don't need to always change your schedule to fit his. Just be more clear with him, if you haven't been already. Yesterday, if I had been you, I would have said something like, "Ok, I understand. Here's the thing: if we don't see each other today, the next time won't be until Wednesday. So the next time we have sex won't be until Wednesday. So how cranky do you think you'll be by then without a little nookie? And then let him decide. If he still couldn't do it, then he'd been reminded of the reality of the scheduling options and made his choice. Then you don't have to feel bad about not re-arranging for him - you already told him what you could and couldn't do.
Author Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 You don't need to always change your schedule to fit his. Just be more clear with him, if you haven't been already. Yesterday, if I had been you, I would have said something like, "Ok, I understand. Here's the thing: if we don't see each other today, the next time won't be until Wednesday. So the next time we have sex won't be until Wednesday. So how cranky do you think you'll be by then without a little nookie? And then let him decide. If he still couldn't do it, then he'd been reminded of the reality of the scheduling options and made his choice. Then you don't have to feel bad about not re-arranging for him - you already told him what you could and couldn't do. Great point NJ, I didn't realize until this morning, when he asked me to "squeeze him in" (his words), that if I said no we wouldn't see each other until Wednesday. - But I'll keep your advice in mind for next time something like this comes up. (And it most likely will...) Yes, it was immature of me and I suspect he will bring it up. I hope he's mature enough to see that the way I made my point has nothing to do with the validity of it - and that we'll be able to talk about how I feel about our time management. I'll be open to him discussing communication style if he is up for it.
pandagirl Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 We all have our little moments of being bratty, and since you never are, I think you get a freebie! But seriously -- I can see myself doing the same thing. Sometimes you just get so tired and annoyed by the same issue, that you end up being a punk. It happens to everyone. Hopefully this will just lead to a good conversation about his time management issues and how you can compromise so both of you are happy.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I love that it is merely "time management" that is the problem. It seems you should just be able to find a used paperback book in a library entryway that would solve all of your concerns.
Author Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 I love that it is merely "time management" that is the problem. It seems you should just be able to find a used paperback book in a library entryway that would solve all of your concerns. If only! Would "organization styles" suit you better? Or were you hoping for a classical "take me for granted" slant?
Star Gazer Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I guess I'm the only one who thinks that your response wasn't really helpful to your relationship. You asked him to hang out yesterday, and his response very well may have been sincere. From your OP, there's nothing to indicate otherwise. What if he had said something more concrete to explain how he was feeling? "I'm not feeling well, I have [a migrane][diarrhea][back spasms]." Would you have come back with the same PA response the next day? I just wish you had responded in a constructive fashion. This is so unlike you...
Author Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 It is unlike me and I do recognize it was childish and immature. I plan to make amends for this when I do speak to him. A few posters have pointed this out and I think we all agree, myself included, that it wasn't constructive. My problem is that I've tried in different ways to be mature and constructive about the issues we have around time management to no avail. A part of me feels like he relies on "my maturity" to ignore the problem: as in, it can always be explained away, I am frequently relied on "to understand", with very little consequences for him. Also, I originally simply answered no to his request to see me. I knew he had hockey today so my original answer was: I don't think it will work, I have to work today and then you have hockey. He asked if he could see me after hockey which just infuriated me (I hate late drop ins and don't consider them proper time spent together and he knows this). That's when I dropped the PA line.
threebyfate Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 It's okay not to have to shoulder the burden of maturity level and compromise, in a relationship. He's also got to do his share and if, once in awhile, he's got to shoulder more, better that than enabling a one-way relationship.
Star Gazer Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Also, I originally simply answered no to his request to see me. I knew he had hockey today so my original answer was: I don't think it will work, I have to work today and then you have hockey. He asked if he could see me after hockey which just infuriated me (I hate late drop ins and don't consider them proper time spent together and he knows this). That's when I dropped the PA line. I don't understand why you think this is demonstrative of how seeing each other is always is at HIS convenience. He asked to see you. You said no, you were working. Okay, that's fair. You pointed out that after your work, he'd be at hockey. So, because he wants to see you, he suggested something that was mutually convenient (after work, and after hockey). I would have done the same thing. Thing is, rather than appreciate his efforts to find a mutually convenient time, you basically told him that because he didn't want to see you when it was convenient for YOU (the day before), that you were going to be a brat. Honestly Kam, I'd be pretty peeved if my BF said that to me.
IrishCarBomb Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I guess I'm the only one who thinks that your response wasn't really helpful to your relationship. You asked him to hang out yesterday, and his response very well may have been sincere. From your OP, there's nothing to indicate otherwise. What if he had said something more concrete to explain how he was feeling? "I'm not feeling well, I have [a migrane][diarrhea][back spasms]." Would you have come back with the same PA response the next day? I just wish you had responded in a constructive fashion. This is so unlike you... Agreed 100%. I'd be pissed and probably confused if I were they guy in this situation.
Author Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 (edited) I don't understand why you think this is demonstrative of how seeing each other is always is at HIS convenience. He asked to see you. You said no, you were working. Okay, that's fair. You pointed out that after your work, he'd be at hockey. So, because he wants to see you, he suggested something that was mutually convenient (after work, and after hockey). I would have done the same thing. Thing is, rather than appreciate his efforts to find a mutually convenient time, you basically told him that because he didn't want to see you when it was convenient for YOU (the day before), that you were going to be a brat. Honestly Kam, I'd be pretty peeved if my BF said that to me. That was one example of one instance when I was asked to accommodate his schedule. I do believe he is peeved and I understand that he would be peeved. The thing is: I'm fed up and I no longer want to try and understand, accomodate or rationalize his schedule. Edited March 28, 2010 by Kamille
blind_otter Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I think that if there is consistently a problem, after you've discussed it, fought about, been PA about it, and you've tried multiple approaches, then perhaps there is some deeper consideration that needs to take place about the longterm potential of this match. Maybe I am tired, and cranky, but I have no patience for this kind of thing any more.
Author Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 I think that if there is consistently a problem, after you've discussed it, fought about, been PA about it, and you've tried multiple approaches, then perhaps there is some deeper consideration that needs to take place about the longterm potential of this match. Maybe I am tired, and cranky, but I have no patience for this kind of thing any more. This my first time not trying to be understanding and rational. So we'll see what happens. Right now I think we both need to cool down. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and how I want to handle it. Right now, I'm tempted to leave the ball in his court to see how he deals with my tantrum.
Author Kamille Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 So, because he wants to see you, he suggested something that was mutually convenient (after work, and after hockey). Another thing, the time wasn't convenient for me.
threebyfate Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 If I recall your relationship-style with your b/f, Kamille, the two of you normally discuss most things, whether they're issues or not and negotiate some kind of agreement or mutually satisfying decision. With this one issue, it's become an unresolved difference, since the two of you have discussed it, multiple times. He gives lip-service but when push comes to shove, his actions don't match. Is this an accurate representation?
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Kamille, so say if the next time you see your bf he seems happy and as if everything is fine. He doesn't bring up this little conflict or your reaction. Would you go along with it or insist on a discussion?
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