SummerLady Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I was not sure where to post this but I often come in this room as I am divorced. I need advice on what to do as I am at the end of my rope really. I love my SO deeply but we have very different communication styles and its proving to be very difficult. He gets quiet and stews when he is frustrated or mad. Sometimes I am not even sure what the problem is? When I ask him he says its nothing and grumbles. He says oh work, or this or that or stress, the kids. He will blow up for no reason and the next day be fine. I am being a 100% honest when I say I do not start any of this. The other day he was mad at his kids and work, so he slept downstairs as he said he needed space. Now I did nothing to him nor was I even arguing with him, plus I was going to bed not staying up chatting, so why would he need space from me? The next day he was fine stating sometimes I just need alone time. I have expressed to him that this behavior is concerning to me. He agreed it was not productive but nothing has changed. I feel like by me bringing it back up again and again I appear as a nag but this is a serious issue as I can't stay in a relationship that continues in this fashion. I have offered him an out saying if this relationship is not for you I understand, I have given him outs several times and he assures me that is not what he wants and he loves me. Thoughts? This behavior started in October but has gotten worse since January. I know kids and work cause stress but not sure how to continue like this...
candymoon Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Differing communication styles? Sounds like his is a no-communication style. I've learned that you can not make someone do something that they won't or don't have the skills to do in the first place. I'm one of those people that needs and loves her space, so from my experience that is not always a bad thing. I usually retreat when I feel overloaded, overwhelmed, or just over stimulated. When people constantly ask me what's wrong, it just makes everything worse. I just need quiet and to be alone with my own thoughts. Then I return centered and can talk about it better. Doesn't sound like he is even doing that, though. However, October sounds very specific. What happened in October? Was he more communicative before October?
tnttim Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Support and compassion go a long long way. Who wants to open up to nag when you risk getting yelled at, or put down. He feels like you are trying to control his feelings, or you are saying his feelings are wrong, but to him they arre right. You can't argue feelings, it never works. Feelings have no communcation skills because they are always right and justified to the person having those feelings. He'll say "you don't understand" "it's just work, kids life" but you want to know why, why does he disconnect. The answer is simple, because he feels like disconnecting, that's it. He can't explain why, he just knows. It's like explaining love to someone who has never experienced it, you can't because feelings have no communication skills. Feelings are very selfish, and they really only accept agreement as an answer. I would just try to support him when he feels this way, say I understand and let him stew in his feelings. Let him go through the emotions he needs to go though before he can become family man. When I get home from work I usually just want to relax, unwind and then I can function in the household sense. I am the boss at work, and when I come home I don't want to run the household the second I get into the door. My W knows this now and she usually lets me unwind first. She used to jump on me the second I came in the door and overwhelm me. I would then get mad and a fight would happen, and the couch was my bed. Now she gives me space from time to time when she can, and I get a chance to chill. Some days she jumps on me right away, but I remember that yesterday she gave me space so I don't get mad. One small change blossomed into a resolution to the problem.
Author SummerLady Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Support and compassion go a long long way. Who wants to open up to nag when you risk getting yelled at, or put down. He feels like you are trying to control his feelings, or you are saying his feelings are wrong, but to him they arre right. You can't argue feelings, it never works. Feelings have no communcation skills because they are always right and justified to the person having those feelings. He'll say "you don't understand" "it's just work, kids life" but you want to know why, why does he disconnect. The answer is simple, because he feels like disconnecting, that's it. He can't explain why, he just knows. It's like explaining love to someone who has never experienced it, you can't because feelings have no communication skills. Feelings are very selfish, and they really only accept agreement as an answer. I would just try to support him when he feels this way, say I understand and let him stew in his feelings. Let him go through the emotions he needs to go though before he can become family man. When I get home from work I usually just want to relax, unwind and then I can function in the household sense. I am the boss at work, and when I come home I don't want to run the household the second I get into the door. My W knows this now and she usually lets me unwind first. She used to jump on me the second I came in the door and overwhelm me. I would then get mad and a fight would happen, and the couch was my bed. Now she gives me space from time to time when she can, and I get a chance to chill. Some days she jumps on me right away, but I remember that yesterday she gave me space so I don't get mad. One small change blossomed into a resolution to the problem. I appreciate the honesty. I assume always its something I did so I may get defensive. BUT I don't start arguments or demand answers, I just get puzzled when someone approaches me with a put off attitude and I just showed up on the scene. Maybe I am not relationship material, I am starting to think that. Maybe I should not be in a relationship at all. I am just worn out. I have high stress at work and kid issues but I do not take it out on everyone I know. I am not saying I am a better person I am just saying people should be more carieful about unloading their negativity on others. There is only so much I can take. Plus over time it ruins the relationship. Does that make sense?
spriggig Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I appreciate the honesty. I assume always its something I did so I may get defensive. BUT I don't start arguments or demand answers, I just get puzzled when someone approaches me with a put off attitude and I just showed up on the scene. Maybe I am not relationship material, I am starting to think that. Maybe I should not be in a relationship at all. I am just worn out. I have high stress at work and kid issues but I do not take it out on everyone I know. I am not saying I am a better person I am just saying people should be more carieful about unloading their negativity on others. There is only so much I can take. Plus over time it ruins the relationship. Does that make sense? It sounds like you're under a lot of stress.
Author SummerLady Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 It sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Wow so no where in this equation is he to blame? Its all me... huh? Really.. Wow I must be a real azz hole.........You know what my problem is, I acutally think before I act and talk and how it affects others. I guess I am the only one......
tnttim Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Wow so no where in this equation is he to blame? Its all me... huh? Really.. Wow I must be a real azz hole.........You know what my problem is, I acutally think before I act and talk and how it affects others. I guess I am the only one...... No of course not, you have compassion and empathy. Those are very selfless feelings and you should be comended for it. If the world was more like you we would have no war or poverty. We are all different and we all handle emotions different. That's what I meant about compassion, have compassion for his feelings, he might not be able to change it. You are projecting, which means you are thinking that everyone thinks like you or should think like you, I do the same thing. But the simple fact is we all think different and we all want everyone to think like us. It's unhealthy, and causes conflict. It does not make you a bad person, it makes you human. Recognizing it as a character flaw and fixing it makes you happy.
mimidarlin Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 You're frustrated with his lack of communication and his habit of withdrawing. You've offered him an out if he thinks the relationship isn't for him. Now you're thinking that the relationship or any relationship isn't for you. There are several red flags going up here. You've been divorced and most of us have been or are at risk of it happening. It seems that these flags are catching your eye and it makes you think twice. So now what? From the post I understand that the SO and you are living together. If so why? Was it because you wanted to test the waters? Did you guys think you were ready to commit to each other? I think you need to lay it on the line just like has happened to us all. Either we work on communicating better in our relationship or we end it. I think you have to be honest with the SO. Is his behavior making you question the relationship or were you questioning it already? Sounds like you were questioning your ability to be in one.
tojaz Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I appreciate the honesty. I assume always its something I did so I may get defensive. It sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Wow so no where in this equation is he to blame? Its all me... huh? Really.. Wow I must be a real azz hole.........You know what my problem is, I acutally think before I act and talk and how it affects others. I guess I am the only one...... Since i preach taking a different perspective a lot. I would just point out the defensive posture taken in this response to a pretty harmless reply that simply acknowledges the stress you are under. There is a lot of negative perception here and assumptions that I don't believe Spriggig intended. If your SO is experiencing the same thing, that would be a pretty good reason for him to clam up. TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 This is addressed to the OP, and may turn out to be kind of long. Have you ever noticed the difference between men's and women's eyes? Women's eyes are larger typically than most men's? Have you ever noticed how men when they go shopping? Tend to "beeline" it straight in and straight out, get what the want or need in 'nothing flat" but how typically a woman (or women) can spend hours and hours shopping and not buy a single thing? Women typically pay more attention to detail than men when it comes to something they're doing? Especially if its something they're interested in. Women have greater distinctions to color, smell, texture. Your typical woman has 10,000 more olfactory cells in their noeses than men. Which is why smell is so much more important to women than it is to men? Men's and women's brains are hardwired differently, Women have more cross neural connections between the two lobes of the brain than do men. Your typical woman uses between four to six thousand words in a day, compared to a man's three to four thousand ~ almost half that of a woman? In the "hunter ~ gather" equation prior to modern day life? Women were the gathers and men were the hunters. Gathering, mutual child rearing/care and the chores traditionally associated with women? Required mutual cooperation, communication, sharing of experiences, knowledge. The hunter part of the equation required stealth, non-communication (at least not verbal) and collaboration of the hunt. When women have a problem? They discuss it in great depth and detail? When men have stress or problems in their lives? Your "typical" man will go "Caving" withdrawal to the back forty with his trusty horse, dog, and a fire. It sometimes can be for a long, long time. What I mean by "caving" is that he will withdrawal from social contact, and go work in his workshop, the garage, sleep in the basement for the night. Men especially tend to "rubber band" that is to say they will pull away, and then come back. Women do this as well, but in a more feminized way. For a better understanding? Read: "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex and Women Don't Get Enough Love!" "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" "When Mars and Venus Collide" "Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" "Gender Speak" "You Just Don't Understand" "Light His Fire" "Light Her Fire" for him "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy!" Hope this helps. Guns
Gunny376 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Additonally you might want to read, "25 Ways to Control and Influence People" I admitt a bad title, but it was written for managers, and salespeople by an apllied pyschologist. Its about what to say and how to say it? In otherwords? Its about communication.
Author SummerLady Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 Additonally you might want to read, "25 Ways to Control and Influence People" I admitt a bad title, but it was written for managers, and salespeople by an apllied pyschologist. Its about what to say and how to say it? In otherwords? Its about communication. Thanks for breaking it down. I do know this but I don't process it or apply it. I guess I am frustrated and maybe defensive. I sometimes think I expect to much or expect others to react the way I do. Again I don't think I react perfectly but I think I am more fair in my repsonses, most of the time. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations? It may be growing pains as well.. Thanks Gunny and to everyone else..
Gunny376 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Its elitist thinking in that I once though any and everyone could and wanted to be a Marine. And its relative in that once someone finds out that I'm a retired Marine, they almost automatically think I serve in Vietnam, and some Rambo? (I was in boot camp when Saigon fell) Your problem is that your a typical normal female dealing with a typical normal male. And your over analyzing this ~as you've trained your PhD mind to do. That's not to say the SO doesn't have his work cut out for him nor to do. He does! Let me spell it out for you~ C O M M U N I T I O N! And yea! He seriously needs to work on the subject more so than you!
Author SummerLady Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 Its elitist thinking in that I once though any and everyone could and wanted to be a Marine. And its relative in that once someone finds out that I'm a retired Marine, they almost automatically think I serve in Vietnam, and some Rambo? (I was in boot camp when Saigon fell) Your problem is that your a typical normal female dealing with a typical normal male. And your over analyzing this ~as you've trained your PhD mind to do. That's not to say the SO doesn't have his work cut out for him nor to do. He does! Let me spell it out for you~ C O M M U N I T I O N! And yea! He seriously needs to work on the subject more so than you! I think another issue that I cannot change is my kids are younger grammar school age and his kids are older. So as you can guess my kids drive him a tad crazy as younger kids do. My worry is he will eventually get tired of this, break down and say he can't handle it anymore. When he gets mad, he has a tendency to make rude comments out loud in reference to the kids being loud or whatever and he makes them at me versus just talking about it or discussing. So the anger is directed at me and when he leaves I feel very defeated. I do discipline my kids and do punish them but I do not think he thinks I am strict enough with them. This worries me. But there is nothing I can do right? Not sure how to deal with this.
spriggig Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Wow so no where in this equation is he to blame? Its all me... huh? Really.. Wow I must be a real azz hole.........You know what my problem is, I acutally think before I act and talk and how it affects others. I guess I am the only one...... Ah sh*t. That failed completely. I was being sincere and trying to "echo" your own statements in that quote: "I have high stress at work and kid issues but I do not take it out on everyone I know." to get you to talk some more about the stress because I thought it was important. I wasn't being sarcastic, but I can see how it looked that way. I should stick to being more blunt, I guess. I'm sorry.
mimidarlin Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Summer What is the living situation with the SO? How long have you been committed and living together? Is he involved with raising your children? Do you want him to be? I know that you are the parent but all of you have to live together. Maybe there are some behaviors that you need to regulate more with the children.
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