Judythatsme Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 (edited) First of all, I will say that I am 100 percent positive my boyfriend is not cheating. However, I have good reason to believe (or what I think is good reason) that he still evident lingering feelings for his ex. Okay, background on their relationship ... Dated 2.5 years, had a great relationship, he says, until she cheated on him or "made a mistake" he says. He "made a mistake" back, and they just "kept hurting" each other and split. Our relationship: Four months, things are great, except for this nagging feeling about his ex. They are still great friends, to the extent of ... They still talk on the phone, and email sometimes. She called him on his birthday. (not big things to me, but read on ...) He will bring her up in conversation and tell random stories about her and speak fondly of her. Last night, somehow, i managed to find out how she migrated from russia, lived on a farm, had a pet goat whom she loved, and was said when it died and how she doesn't like lamb. Went into a convo about her, while I just sat there. This does happen from time to time. She is still friends on his Wii ... And, one time, in an insecure moment I was having ....(my fault) He wouldnt admit I was prettier than her because it would be being "mean" about her. Basically, I don't think they quite talk enough to where any cheating is going on. I trust him on that. totally. It just hurts, when you feel like, he still is enamored with her, in a way. does this make sense? He does know I'm a bit uncomfy with it, I've mentioned it. But this stuff keeps coming up over and over again, and I feel like I should ask if he's over her, It's a nagging feeling and it won't go away. Am I being psycho or jealous? -Judy Edited March 28, 2010 by Judythatsme
ADF Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Unless either your BF or this woman is behaving inappropriately, you can't really demand he end his friendship with her just to make you feel more secure. Nothing you've said makes it sound like your BF is cheating. In fact, you say you are "100% positive" he isn't. Okay then. Leave it alone.
sally4sara Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 He hasn't completely disengaged from the sound of it. It would be a bit different if the amount of time spent in his past relationship was much longer so as to encompass a large portion of his life. I would not assume he so much still wants to be with her as he just hasn't had enough time to have reached a point where he no longer thinks of him self as "dude who dates exgirl". Like a person who smoked but has quit might struggle a bit because they still think of themselves as a smoker. And by comparison, perhaps he needs more than 4 months to begin to see himself as "dude who dates Judy" just yet. It IS awkward to be with someone while they are still in that transition stage. Try talking to him about it. Maybe explain to him you want to know more and hear stories about him and don't see the point in knowing her better or hearing stories about her. How much time has elapsed since their break up?
Author Judythatsme Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 They broke up May 2009. He still has some couply photos of her and him up on facebook, don't know if this helps my post, but.
Author Judythatsme Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Sally4sara, I never once asked to him to end his friendship with her. ever.
Rearden Metal Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 He's not over it, but it's probably over. Which is really tough on a new relationship. The only way that will ever get better is if A.) he and her have less and less contact or B.) He somehow becomes very attached to you. B is a sticky situation, and probably unhealthy. A will only occur through a conscious effort on his part to phase her out. Right now, he's being a bit of a cake eater. This is just my opinion. I don't think it's healthy to have a recent ex be all buddy buddy and be in a new relationship. I can understand if it was an ex from 2+ years prior, but this is still fresh.
Author Judythatsme Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 What should I do? or what should i tell him?
sally4sara Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Sally4sara, I never once asked to him to end his friendship with her. ever. I didn't think you had nor do I think you should have to unless it escalates. Though I'd just advise you drop him if it did.
primer Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 My BF used to talk about his ex a lot. No matter what conversation we were having, her name would come up. If we were talking about insurance, neighbors, cars, whatever it was, he mentioned her. When we were going out of town once he mentioned her about five times in the first hour. I told him to turn around and go home because I did not want to hear about her. He did not mention her for the rest of the weekend. Another time I said "Can I go one day without hearing about her?" Maybe your BF does not realize what he is doing. When I said the above things to my BF, he quit mentioning her all of the time.
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