After a socipath: Complete wreckage.

[Ilovecake]

Was he actually diagnosed as a sociopath? I ask because true sociopaths are extremely rare.

[Crazy Magnet]

Was he actually diagnosed as a sociopath? I ask because true sociopaths are extremely rare.

 

I can't speak for the OP, but I do personally have the credentials to make a mental health diagnosis (though I didn't then)...in my case I'd say yes, my ex would most certainly meet DSM criteria for an antisocial diagnosis. However, it's rare that these type of people make it into any mental health system and get a real diagnosis unless they are forced through a conviction, etc. I can't even begin to tell you how many illegal things my ex was doing(stealing and whatnot) and how many police reports I and others had filed in the end. He was very good at covering his tracks and manipulating his way out of situations. He didn't CARE about a single living creature on this planet.

[Rearden Metal]

Thank you Toki for your input in this thread. I'm trying to understand my ex's motives and identify some of the things that occured in our relationship.

[eraser]

Wow, that's exactly how my ex was. He put a huge amount of effort into the chase, once he had me and I'd fallen head over heels, he did just seem to lose all respect for me.

 

I'm not too sure what, exactly, goes on in these people's heads. The way that they determinedly pursue the love of others, sometimes from many people at one time, and then turn around and treat them all as if they are dog excrement as soon as they get it is beyond confusing. My ex acted as if he needed never-ending reassurance that someone loved him, but the more he got it, the more he responded with hatred and disrespect. Maybe this is because, deep down inside, they believe themselves to be unlovable. It's either that, or they truly despise everything that love is and stands for.

 

I'm alot happier these days, but the experience has scared me, I wasn't aware of people like this before him.

 

Messing around with one of these types is extremely scarring. I know therapy has been suggested, but I tell you...even creating this thread and talking about this guy with a bunch of strangers on the Internet has been extremely depressing for me. I can't imagine sitting in front of someone and talking about this, one-on-one for an hour or so straight. The "I wasn't aware of people like this before" reaction is something that I think a lot of people who deal with these types have felt. Six years later, I still can't believe that people like this exist, but obviously, I know very well that they do.

[eraser]

Have any of you gone through something similar to this?

 

Sure, I've been through some of that stuff. I think a lot of people who are posting in this thread have. Some of my experiences that are similar to yours:

 

 

• He tried to monopolize my time and push out any of my friends that he didn't approve of (all of them).
  
• If we got into a disagreement, no matter how small, he would invariably call me "ugly", "fat", "untalented" a "loser", or anything else in an attempt to try and mess with my self-image and self-esteem.
  
• He accused me of messing around with other people behind his back all the time and would call me derogatory names. He was the one who was cheating on people. Yes, multiple people. He was already involved in a long-term relationship and had other casual girls on the side when we began our relationship.
  
• If we were in the middle of a disagreement or if one occurred in public, he would attempt to publicly humiliate me or demean me somehow.
  
• He would break into my online accounts and obsessively check messages and such to make sure that no one was sending me flirtatious messages. Sometimes, he would pretend to be me and send messages to friends that were meant to make them mad at me.
  
• He'd make himself out to be the victim to other people. He'd tell everyone else that I was the crazy one.
  
• He lied about EVERYTHING. When confronted with irrefutable evidence, he would deny, deny, deny. The scary part is that he was so good at denying that it was almost like he believed his own lies.
  

 

Those are just few examples, which I am sure a lot of people in this thread can relate to.

 

When I cut ties, I also moved, changed phone numbers and contact information. I'm extremely ashamed of this relationship. While I have some really supportive friends, I kept this relationship secret for a few practical reasons. Sometimes, I think I would like to talk to them about it, but it's so painful and I think some would be mad that I didn't say anything before.

 

I am personally determined to get back to the person I was before b/c I refuse to let him win. He, of course, has gone on and destroyed another girl's life in the meantime. It's what he does, and it breaks my heart to know that she's going to hate herself in the end of it all.

 

Letting him "win" is something that is always in the back of my mind. I absolutely do not want him to "win."

 

I warned at least one girl about him after we broke up. For awhile, I thought I should warn every girl I could. But I soon learned that was fruitless. He is who he is and he is going to do all that he knows to do. Short of taking out a billboard in every city that he frequented, I'm not sure that there was much more that I could've done. And, yeah, that's a little heartbreaking.

[eraser]

It may not originate from anywhere, he could have psychosis. It is a very primal fear, and difficult to describe, and your sense of judgement is either that *you* are important to me, or you're not.

 

That was his very much his attitude, except I don't think that anyone ever truly mattered to him. He never admitted this through words but, rather, his actions.

 

I won't ever try to justify his actions, but many don't understand that they are doing something wrong, it could be completely normal for him.

 

I can agree with this, too. I never once saw a shred of conscience or remorse in him. He always seemed to think that the way he was acting was fine. A few times, I saw some regret, but only in terms of being caught. It was more like, "I should have done this or that so I could've gotten away with it..." Again, he never admitted this in words, but I could see it in his mannerisms.

 

It sounds to me, like he may be a psychopath rather than a sociopath.

 

That's very possible. Before making this thread, it was my understanding that sociopathy and psychosis were often interchangeable. While many health professionals seem to use them this way, there are others that contend that there are slight differences between the two. Psychopaths are supposedly more charming, organized, manipulative, secretive, remorseless and more likely to fool everyone that they're normal. After reading about those differences, it seems that he could easily fall under the psychopath umbrella.

 

However you are right that once the chase is up, people with a mental conditon may move on to the next high. They have you, now they want to have a bit of "fun" with you, they want you to get angry with them, goad you into doing things you wouldn't normally do, it's both to exert that control, and to get a reaction out of you that will give them some sense that they have to have more control.

 

It did seem that one of his favorite things to do was manipulate my emotions. Sometimes, it was almost like a game to him- he wanted to see how angry he could get me and how fast. It went far beyond good-natured teasing. One of the scariest experiences was having him push me into a crying spell. Right in the middle of it, I could tell that he was just studying me...studying my reactions. I don't think I ever saw him truly happy or sad, but he had a habit of becoming absolutely enraged for no reason at all and would take it out on me for at least half a day.

[eraser]

May I just take the opportunity to thank people again for their honesty? I find this thread very valuable.

 

Honesty is necessary with issues like these. Whichever side we're on in a relationship like this, we can't get anywhere without getting to the truth of the matter. We just can't move forward without facing a lot of hard facts. I'm glad you find this thread valuable. I hope other people who are reading do, too.

 

eraser - I am very glad that you asked your questions here.

 

If you mean the forum, I wasn't really sure if this was the appropriate forum...I put it under "Coping", though, because that's what I want to do. I want to cope. I want to get over this.

 

I think that self-understanding frees us to become who we want to be. There are many ways to do this and some have been suggested here: therapy, journaling, reading self-help books.

 

The only way I've truly been able to deal with this is through my art. Honestly, I can't even speak about this. I've never been able to have a frank conversation about it. It is one of the most devastating things I've ever experienced in my life. What's strange is that hardly anyone even knew I was with him, much less the torture that he has put me through.

 

Perhaps it is important for us to form a picture of who we want to be, then look for the strengths we hold that can move us towards that? I do think it is hard to keep this journey up, though, without some support. Perhaps you could gain yours from us, if there is no-one else you wish to ask for help?

 

I would love that. It is much easier for me to talk about this through the Internet. Plus, there is a group of people here who have experienced the same thing. That is invaluable to me.

[just_some_guy]

I can sympathize. My exW was a sociopath, emotionally abusive and an addict. She had a weird pattern of being clean for long periods of time, years even, then some stressor would come along and she'd be right back into the depths of severe, hard drug use nearly instantly. I didn't know all of this going in, but it came out in therapy. She was working a program after relapsing early in our marriage and I stuck around thinking it the right thing to do. But I became the whipping boy and I learned what a sociopath is up close. (Dr.'s words, not just my opinion). She literally could do harm to a person and feel absolutely no remorse or guilt at all. It wasn't to serial killer levels, but wow, when you realize that there's absolutely nothing behind those pretty eyes and baby face except an ice cold reptilian heart, it can shake you to your core.

[mickleb]

If you mean the forum, I wasn't really sure if this was the appropriate forum...I put it under "Coping", though, because that's what I want to do. I want to cope. I want to get over this.

 

The only way I've truly been able to deal with this is through my art. Honestly, I can't even speak about this. I've never been able to have a frank conversation about it. It is one of the most devastating things I've ever experienced in my life. What's strange is that hardly anyone even knew I was with him, much less the torture that he has put me through.

 

I would love that. It is much easier for me to talk about this through the Internet. Plus, there is a group of people here who have experienced the same thing. That is invaluable to me.

 

Coping is fine. You may wish to try the Abuse forum, however, for further points of view.

 

Art is one way I kept my head up. Hold onto that, it can be extremely therapeutic. It's one of your 'solid objects' - counsellor-speak.

 

So glad you feel able to engage in the discourse, here, that you seem to be needing. I have a couple of weeks off, so am at your service.

 

x

[Crazy Magnet]

First, it's no longer referred to as "sociopath" in the mental health world. It's called antisocial personality disorder. You can google the DSM criteria for a definition of what it takes to diagnose.

 

Second, "psychosis" is something completely different. Psychosis is when a person has hallucinations or delusions, what you associate with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder or Bipolar I with manic features, major depressive disorder with manic features, etc.

 

A person can most certainly be "psychotic" and also carry an antisocial disorder, however they are not mutually exclusive. Whatever disorder brought on the psychotic features is an Axis I diagnosis and the personality disorders are Axis II. Some people have one or the other, some people have both.

 

eraser--you WILL get through it, eventually. Merely the fact that you WANT to get through it speaks volumes about your determination.