After a socipath: Complete wreckage.

[eraser]

In 2004, I unwittingly entered into one of the most effed up relationships known to man. I won't get into the particulars, due to time constraints, but I will say that he was a sociopath and even though the relationship ended just a few months after it started, the experience has made me incapable of entertaining the thought of another relationship even six years later. Now, I know a lot of people like to call their exes "crazy" and "psycho", but this guy really was. He was not only the most emotionally and mentally abusive person I've ever met, he was the most emotionally and mentally abusive person I could ever imagine. He kept messing with my life and mind two years after I pulled the plug on the relationship as "revenge" for leaving him. During the relationship, I was truly in love with him. Or, I should say, I was in love with who I thought he was. As you might know, sociopaths have a very charming exterior, can fake their way through anything and can make almost anyone fall in love with them very quickly. That is part of their game. My issue is this: I am still a mess...going on 10 years later. This distresses me because I think I passed up a lot of great guys because of this one really bad, rotten-to-the-core apple. The amount of pain that I felt during and after the relationship was so great that I thought I would never fall in love again, either because I couldn't or because I wouldn't ever allow myself to be in a position to be hurt like that again. As I've gotten a little older, I am starting to realize that I am missing out on a big chunk of life because of the havoc this guy wreaked on me. I am terrified of loving someone and letting someone love me. That is not fair to me and that is not fair to anyone who might have genuine feelings for me. My question is: Have any of you gone through something similar to this? How did you get over it? I don't want therapy. Just providing the back story to this relationship would cost me thousands of dollars. Plus, I don't think anyone who hasn't been in a relationship with someone like that could ever really be of any help. Reading about war is a lot different than being in the trenches, you know?

[Toki]

Alright, I wrote out a big long shpiel... but it was as you say "therapy" so here goes. I was abused throughout my childhood, I had a hard time trusting people. I met a girl, and I fell for her as they say "hard". Everything was terrific, until I noticed she preferred the company of men to women, naturally my suspicions suggested the worse, but I loved her, I couldn't just let her go like that. So I systematically began to control as many facets of her life as possible, in order to conceal my own insecurities, and to make sure she couldn't do anything as to break my trust for her. The problem was, she also loved me, and had never had anyone play "Father" in her life, so it was comfortable for her to have me tell her what to do every hour, of every minute, of every day. I reveled in it for years, but one day I woke up, and I didn't like the person who I saw in the mirror. I also realized I didn't love her, after five years into it, it was about all about control, I wanted it, and she gave it to me willingly. It was a cycle of psychological abuse that we were bothing feeding slowly into, and I liked the feeling of power over someone else, for awhile at least. I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror, I couldn't trust her, because I didn't trust myself. Was it sociopathic? probably, but that doesn't mean I liked it, so I ended the relationship in a rather sociopathic manner, after five years I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore, how could anyone want to see this monstrous thing I had become. The relationship needed to end, and it needed to end now. For her sake, and for my sake.

 

So I went emotionally AWOL for awhile, but I wanted to love myself, so I sought help in my most trusted friends, and family (and by this point I was already pretty much paranoid of everyone), so I also got professional help. The short end of it is, that I learned to appreciate what I have to give to the world, that I can trust myself, and be honest with who I am as a person. That this cycle of abuse has been broken, by me and nobody else. And all it took was a little time looking out the rabbit hole. And now I can put myself in someone elses arms, and hope they don't let go, and if they do, that I can pick myself back up.

Edited March 28, 2010 by Toki

[eraser]

Wow, your response is interesting. I created this thread looking for advice from people who had successfully picked up the pieces and moved on after having a relationship with someone who exhibited sociopathic tendencies...and here you are, giving your viewpoint, from the other side! Honestly, there are a lot of similarities between my experience and yours, although we were on opposite sides. It's great that you were able to recognize that you were inflicting a lot of damage on someone else and on yourself and decided to make changes for the better. Unfortunately, I don't think my ex is capable of doing that. He is one of the scariest people I've ever met. He basically lives to hurt people emotionally and psychologically. That is what makes him feel alive. Obviously, the relationship was so traumatic to me that not even six years could make me get over it. I really just want to know how I can move on, trust again and love again. It's been impossible for me so far. Thanks for your response, though. Part of my fear is based on the idea that people like that can't change.

[mickleb]

eraser and Toki - your posts have been incredibly honest. I want to thank you both for that. And commend you. It isn't easy. But your experiences can give insight and understanding for many people. I consider you both to be very brave, as a result.

 

eraser - When I was 18, I got involved with someone who, I guess, was sociopathic. I'm not sure exactly where on the scale he would be placed. He wasn't as bad as the person you're describing but he did hit me and tried to kill me on more than one occasion. He was incredibly jealous and controlling. To this day, I refer to him as 'Evil Mike'.

 

I was with him for about 18 months. I was young and thought I could change him, so kept giving him more chances. My self-esteem was on the floor, although I didn't understand that, at the time. Luckily, I left town to go to university. We continued the 'relationship' LD but one day, after some absurd attempt of his to get my attention, I just 'woke up' and realised what was going on. I had absolutely no feelings for him and just ended it, not caring what his response would be.

 

For about 3 years after that, I would get terrified if I thought I saw him. I was convinced, some months after the split that he'd actually enrolled at my university to stalk me. He hadn't. I was paranoid.

 

At the time, I dealt with my issues by dating lots of guys, some drug-taking, escaping into a fantasy of being an artist, etc. It was more than a decade later, and one undiagnosed episode of depression, when I first became a teacher, that I actually started to have meltdown.

 

Therapy was then a 'might as well' choice for me. I originally signed up for 5 free sessions, which were funded by my company. I didn't expect I would need it for 6 years.

 

Therapy was the single, best investment I have ever made. I didn't have very much money at the time. I agreed with my therapist that I would go every two weeks, as I couldn't afford any more often. That made the cost about £15 per week for me. At times, I was earning £8,500 p.a. during that time period, and living in costly London, so it was a sacrifice. But I considered it to be like getting a degree in myself. And learning was important to me.

 

You cannot put a price or time limit on your health, which includes your mental health. You can live more cheaply, all of us can, in order to feel well.

 

Therapy has enabled me to take control of my life. I am very proud of my accomplishments. I now help young people to sift through their stuff (and I do a damned good job of it ).

 

You are right to observe that this guy has taken too much from you. And that you are missing out because of this experience. Do not let him have your whole life.

 

Take care.

 

x

[Johnootes]

eraser - my stbxw definitely fits the sociopath model. I am not totally out of the woods but I've made major strides. I read a lot. I recommend any Byron Katie book. "The journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. There is an incredible amount of great advice here on this forum also. The bottom line is - you hold the key.

[Toki]

Mickelb has the right of it. In a way you still allow him to control you even after six years. My ex still contacts me when something goes wrong in her life, because she still expects me to tell her what to do... but I've since severed every means of contact with her I can think of and have hopefully gone completely off her radar. Trust is a weird thing, people don't trust because they refuse to trust themselves, perhaps the reason why you haven't been in a relationship for the last six years is because you've refused to trust your instincts when it comes to other people. Which is completely understandable. I just have to tell you, that no matter how bad you have it, this guy who hurt you so much, suffers from demons I dare think you may not completely understand, and you have to know by now that if the warning signs were there in a next relationship, that you would know what to do immediately (which is get out before it gets too serious). The biggest problem with sociopaths is that they tend to be pathological liars, and create a charming facade. So you need to know what kind of person you'll be dealing with, before you deal with them. Maybe taking things slow, and if need be explain to them why.

[bg101299]

I dated a sociopath 2 years ago. It felt just as you described. Luckily, I was just beginning a program of recovery that did some deep delving into everything, including why I felt the need to allow someone like that to determine my worth. And I did get over it.

 

But here's the thing: the things that make us go to and be affected by people like that take a long time to process. And just as I was starting to get my self-esteem back and be happy and confident and hopeful again, I stupidly chose someone who wasn't a good bet all over again. And now i sit here in great pain after all the work I did on myself. I set the ball rolling but the punishment he is giving me is brutal.

 

I am realizing that people like this don't have any tools. I have tools now and it's my tools that will get me past this. You could try something like this; weekly therapy isn't enough. We don't have to stay stuck or be victims. I know I've learned my lesson and the road back will be doubly hard this time, but I'll do it and so can you.

[eraser]

eraser and Toki - your posts have been incredibly honest. I want to thank you both for that. And commend you. It isn't easy. But your experiences can give insight and understanding for many people. I consider you both to be very brave, as a result.

 

I wouldn't have ever expected Toki's contributions to this thread. In fact, they were the last thing I would've expected. I am glad he is posting in this thread, though, for a lot of reasons. One of those reasons is that I think it can give anyone reading, as you say, some real insight into this type of relationship. For a lot of people, this is something that is completely foreign. I know a lot of people might hear about these things and think, "How does it get that bad?" Well, it just does. In extreme cases, it can get that bad without either party realizing it until it is way too late.

 

eraser - When I was 18, I got involved with someone who, I guess, was sociopathic. I'm not sure exactly where on the scale he would be placed. He wasn't as bad as the person you're describing but he did hit me and tried to kill me on more than one occasion. He was incredibly jealous and controlling.

 

I would say that he was pretty bad. Strangely, the guy I was messing around with, like Toki, had a major problem with my male friends. I have more male friends than female friends and every time I had any contact with the males, he would just lose it. He was extremely jealous, tried to control the contact I had with friends and if that didn't work, he would try to sever the contact or even hurt the male friend somehow.

 

I was young and thought I could change him, so kept giving him more chances. My self-esteem was on the floor, although I didn't understand that, at the time. Luckily, I left town to go to university. We continued the 'relationship' LD but one day, after some absurd attempt of his to get my attention, I just 'woke up' and realised what was going on. I had absolutely no feelings for him and just ended it, not caring what his response would be.

 

My situation was somewhat similar to this, too. I was also young. He had some issues of which I was aware, even though he was never completely honest with me about them. I thought I could help him get better. I soon learned that you can't help anyone who doesn't want to get better. Worse, when I had reservations about the relationship and I articulated this to him, he would say stuff like, "I'm trying to change, but you're not giving me a chance. I've been this way for so long. I can't undo a lifetime of habits in a few months." Again, this is just part of the sociopath's game.

 

For about 3 years after that, I would get terrified if I thought I saw him. I was convinced, some months after the split that he'd actually enrolled at my university to stalk me. He hadn't. I was paranoid.

 

I know for a fact that this guy was messing with me for two years after we broke up. I also know he was keeping tabs on me for awhile after that, even though he wasn't making his presence known. I think he was making sure that I wasn't with anyone. If I had been, I have no doubt that he'd still be making my life Hell. You call yourself "paranoid", but I don't think it's that at all. You knew him and you knew what he was capable of.

 

Therapy was the single, best investment I have ever made. I didn't have very much money at the time. I agreed with my therapist that I would go every two weeks, as I couldn't afford any more often. That made the cost about £15 per week for me. At times, I was earning £8,500 p.a. during that time period, and living in costly London, so it was a sacrifice. But I considered it to be like getting a degree in myself. And learning was important to me.

 

You cannot put a price or time limit on your health, which includes your mental health. You can live more cheaply, all of us can, in order to feel well.

 

The money issue is another thing that makes me anti-therapy. I'm also an artist, so that makes money a bit more tight. I live in the U.S., and therapy is a lot more expensive for us than the figure you offered just now. That's a shame. Maybe I would be more inclined to try it if it were affordable.

 

Therapy has enabled me to take control of my life. I am very proud of my accomplishments. I now help young people to sift through their stuff (and I do a damned good job of it ).

 

You are right to observe that this guy has taken too much from you. And that you are missing out because of this experience. Do not let him have your whole life.

 

It's good that you were able to use your experience to help others through their own trials. That's amazing, actually. And you're right when you say that this guy has taken too much from me. I sometimes wonder if he has ruined me forever. That idea is terrible, but it's one that seems at least possible. After all, here I am, six years later, creating this thread...

[eraser]

eraser - my stbxw definitely fits the sociopath model. I am not totally out of the woods but I've made major strides. I read a lot. I recommend any Byron Katie book. "The journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. There is an incredible amount of great advice here on this forum also. The bottom line is - you hold the key.

 

Thanks for the book recommendations. I'll look into them. Where can I find the advice? Does it have to do with sociopaths? I truly believe that they are a different kind of animal. I don't think I would've suffered this much if I had been involved with a regular guy, you know?

[Chitowngirl]

Never dated a sociopath, but my mother is a sociopath. All you can do is understand they are mentally ill, accept them for who they are, and forgive them for all the hurt they've caused. They are not capable of loving ANYONE. My mother has 6 children and on her 2nd husband. She is not capable of loving her children unconditionally. She views us as her friends, and only her friends. She does not love her husband and only married him because he wanted her to (they have a child together).

I know it's hard but you have to understand he's mentally ill, will never change, and move on. PM me if you want as I know how f-ed up sociopaths are.

[eraser]

Mickelb has the right of it. In a way you still allow him to control you even after six years.

 

That is very true. I've recognized this for awhile. I know that he would love nothing more than to know that I was incapable of moving on and being with someone else. He expressed this to me before I broke up with him and cut off all contact with him. It's just difficult because, as I'm sure you know (having been on the other side), that being in a relationship with someone like this can effect for you years afterwards- sometimes people are never the same again.

 

Trust is a weird thing, people don't trust because they refuse to trust themselves, perhaps the reason why you haven't been in a relationship for the last six years is because you've refused to trust your instincts when it comes to other people. Which is completely understandable.

 

This is also absolutely true. Part of the problem here, too, is that I was abused as a child by multiple people. Not only do I seem to attract these really bad guys, I can't seem to tell that they're really bad guys. That is very, very scary. Although it's a little crazy, there is part of me that thinks that I will only ever attract these really bad guys and that I should never be in a relationship again because I won't be able to tell they're bad until it is too late.

 

I just have to tell you, that no matter how bad you have it, this guy who hurt you so much, suffers from demons I dare think you may not completely understand, and you have to know by now that if the warning signs were there in a next relationship, that you would know what to do immediately (which is get out before it gets too serious).

 

I knew he had a few issues at the onset, even though I still believe I never got the whole truth about them. I suspected some sort of horrific childhood abuse. Being a survivor myself, I thought that maybe we could help each other. At the beginning of the relationship, he was "amazing"...or, at least, seemed to be. As the relationship progressed, however, he started showing his true colors. I think he had some serious intimacy issues and hated me for getting too close.

 

The biggest problem with sociopaths is that they tend to be pathological liars, and create a charming facade. So you need to know what kind of person you'll be dealing with, before you deal with them. Maybe taking things slow, and if need be explain to them why.

 

Again, totally right. This guy lied to me about everything he could've lied to me about. He lied about his full name, his age, his relationship status and everything in between. Anything he could've lied about, he lied about. I understand what you mean when you say to take things slowly. But it's so difficult, because if I were to start another relationship, I would be completely paranoid. I would be checking IDs and asking random people for information about him. I think I would ruin the relationship before it even started.

 

It is so strange to have a conversation with you about this stuff. While I am obviously not your ex and you are obviously not mine, the similarities are very striking.

[eraser]

I dated a sociopath 2 years ago. It felt just as you described. Luckily, I was just beginning a program of recovery that did some deep delving into everything, including why I felt the need to allow someone like that to determine my worth. And I did get over it.

 

But here's the thing: the things that make us go to and be affected by people like that take a long time to process. And just as I was starting to get my self-esteem back and be happy and confident and hopeful again, I stupidly chose someone who wasn't a good bet all over again. And now i sit here in great pain after all the work I did on myself. I set the ball rolling but the punishment he is giving me is brutal.

 

I am realizing that people like this don't have any tools. I have tools now and it's my tools that will get me past this. You could try something like this; weekly therapy isn't enough. We don't have to stay stuck or be victims. I know I've learned my lesson and the road back will be doubly hard this time, but I'll do it and so can you.

 

Thanks. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of recovery program are you in? What kind of tools do you have? I agree when you say that "the things that make us go to and be affected by people like that take a long time to process." While I know there is something fundamentally wrong with that guy that is completely separate from me, I am also starting to think that maybe part of it was my fault, too. I willingly put myself into that situation. I didn't know he was as bad as he was when I first got involved, but I think there must have been a few indications somewhere that I subconsciously chose to ignore. That is bad news.

[eraser]

Never dated a sociopath, but my mother is a sociopath. All you can do is understand they are mentally ill, accept them for who they are, and forgive them for all the hurt they've caused. They are not capable of loving ANYONE. My mother has 6 children and on her 2nd husband. She is not capable of loving her children unconditionally. She views us as her friends, and only her friends. She does not love her husband and only married him because he wanted her to (they have a child together).

I know it's hard but you have to understand he's mentally ill, will never change, and move on. PM me if you want as I know how f-ed up sociopaths are.

 

The guy I was with had a string of broken relationships behind him when I met him. I once spoke to someone who had some insight into his personality. She, like you, simply stated that he "didn't know how to love." Apparently, loving someone is something that he is incapable of. That revelation blew me away. It was obvious to me when he started behaving badly that he didn't really love me. But, man, did he fake a good game at the beginning of the relationship. What is terrifying is that he is so good at faking emotions. He has each of his girlfriends convinced that he truly loved them.

[Chitowngirl]

The guy I was with had a string of broken relationships behind him when I met him. I once spoke to someone who had some insight into his personality. She, like you, simply stated that he "didn't know how to love." Apparently, loving someone is something that he is incapable of. That revelation blew me away. It was obvious to me when he started behaving badly that he didn't really love me. But, man, did he fake a good game at the beginning of the relationship. What is terrifying is that he is so good at faking emotions. He has each of his girlfriends convinced that he truly loved them.

 

Yes, exactly. My mom's husband said he loved her by the 3rd date. They decided to have a child together after only 8 weeks of dating. Sociopaths are manipulative and very charismatic people, but deep down they are spawns of Satan. My mom of course was/is very abusive, physically and mentally, and I would say it took me until 2 years ago (I'm 27) to fully understand her disease. She has done major damage on my sisters, as one tried killing herself and her other 4 daughters do not speak to her!

The only way you're going to move on is to forgive him and not allow him to control you anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

My father is a sociopath/narcissist. He completely controlled and dominated evey aspect of my life. My mother is completely co-dependent. The thing that somewhat helped was escaping. But that came with the trappings of guilt/remorse and leaving behind my brother and sister.

 

I later saw that in a way I carried him with me, all the fear and anger (I didn't take it out on anyone else). I was suicidal for about 10 years. My whole world-view was completely screwed. I was so strongly taught that the only people that wouldn't "hurt" or "betray" me were my parents. Turns out the opposite was true. My mother is COMPLETELY brainwashed. I can't even talk to her like a normal person anymore, no lights go on.

 

He would harass me constantly, harass my friends and boyfriends. Be very aggressive with my boyfriends. Tried lots of ridiculous things to drive my husband away including accusing him of the sickest stuff to me. He lies without conscience or care of the damage it causes. He has messed with my employment, residences, vehicles, personal safety and education. Anything to keep me down. He has tried every means in the book to control me including money and false promises.

 

I now have a daughter, they cannot have a relationship with her. I will do everything to protect her from my father's controlling outbursts, even if it means disappearing again. I did for two years.

 

The only thing that has helped conclusively is EMDR therapy. It helps to remove the trauma and restore mental health enough to feel secure with my "people picker." I have some great friends.

[dreamingoftigers]

Odd, I am 27 as well and 2 years ago is when I started really being able to kick the demons as well.

[Chitowngirl]

My father is a sociopath/narcissist. He completely controlled and dominated evey aspect of my life. My mother is completely co-dependent. The thing that somewhat helped was escaping. But that came with the trappings of guilt/remorse and leaving behind my brother and sister.

 

I later saw that in a way I carried him with me, all the fear and anger (I didn't take it out on anyone else). I was suicidal for about 10 years. My whole world-view was completely screwed. I was so strongly taught that the only people that wouldn't "hurt" or "betray" me were my parents. Turns out the opposite was true. My mother is COMPLETELY brainwashed. I can't even talk to her like a normal person anymore, no lights go on.

 

He would harass me constantly, harass my friends and boyfriends. Be very aggressive with my boyfriends. Tried lots of ridiculous things to drive my husband away including accusing him of the sickest stuff to me. He lies without conscience or care of the damage it causes. He has messed with my employment, residences, vehicles, personal safety and education. Anything to keep me down. He has tried every means in the book to control me including money and false promises.

 

I now have a daughter, they cannot have a relationship with her. I will do everything to protect her from my father's controlling outbursts, even if it means disappearing again. I did for two years.

 

The only thing that has helped conclusively is EMDR therapy. It helps to remove the trauma and restore mental health enough to feel secure with my "people picker." I have some great friends.

 

Wow I can totally relate to you. My mom was the same way, except for the harassing of friends, etc. She tried to be everyone's best friend, including my school's principal! That way, no one believed me when I told them what a horrible person she was!

My sisters escaped. I would too if I had a relationship with my father, but he's even worse than my mom (different mental disorder).

My sister's have post-traumatic street disorder from my mom, I will suggest that therapy to them.

[Toki]

Behind the mask of a sociopath is fear, fear of everything, and everyone. It's giving in to every thing you are afraid of, and in doing so you shut out emotions, people, family. Fear is something most sociopaths have had beaten into them, the outwardly normal appearance is a shield of protection, but behind the mask is a clockwork of shattered thoughts all scrambling to come up with another way to protect yourself. It's the way they've learned how to survive and keep themselves "sane", being cunning, manipulative, and overbearing. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do to admit to myself that I was broken in every possible way, but I also knew I was fixable. There are so many people, who usually are deep into drugs or alcohol that the hatred of self becomes blurred with the hatred of everything. I used to think I knew what love is, I still wonder whether I can love (and yes, I can) but love is a complete disconnect of fear, the two cannot exist in the same household, and sociopaths confuse love with obsession, the feeling like someone actually care's they exist; but also the fear that it will end. So they do anything in their power to make sure that feeling will not go away, but it's such a self defeating cycle, the more control you think you have, the less you feel like you matter, and you lose respect for whomever is caught in the web.

 

But a psychopath doesn't know how to love, a pyschopath is absolutely ruthless and has absolutely zero feelings of remorse or regret. Everything a sociopath does is filled with regret, and being able to let those feelings go is an extremely difficult thing to do.

[eraser]

Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie - audiobook

 

Some therapists will see you based on your income. Do you not have access to mental health resources in your area?

 

I recently moved to the sticks. I used to live in an urban area. I moved, partly, because I didn't want to be in the same environment that I was in while I was with him. I'm also currently trying to cut off all ties to him...I don't even want to go to places we used to hang out at, etc. Anyway, I've never seen a therapist and I'm not sure how I could go about finding one who would see me on a sliding scale. Plus, there's the distance factor. I'd love for someone to share their own coping mechanisms. Maybe I could start there first.

[eraser]

Behind the mask of a sociopath is fear, fear of everything, and everyone. It's giving in to every thing you are afraid of, and in doing so you shut out emotions, people, family. Fear is something most sociopaths have had beaten into them, the outwardly normal appearance is a shield of protection, but behind the mask is a clockwork of shattered thoughts all scrambling to come up with another way to protect yourself. It's the way they've learned how to survive and keep themselves "sane", being cunning, manipulative, and overbearing. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do to admit to myself that I was broken in every possible way, but I also knew I was fixable.

 

On the outside, my ex had a completely "fearless" mask. It didn't take me long to realize that he was one of the most frightened individuals I've ever met. I'm not sure where that fear originated, but he was almost animal-like. You're pretty brave to have admitted to yourself that you needed to fix some things within yourself. My ex made a full-time job of blaming others for everything. I doubt he would ever admit that he needed to work on himself. That is sad because I know that there is a whole line of people that are going to be hurt because of it.

 

sociopaths confuse love with obsession

 

Absolutely true. That guy demanded all of my time and attention. When he didn't get it, he was furious.

 

the feeling like someone actually care's they exist; but also the fear that it will end. So they do anything in their power to make sure that feeling will not go away, but it's such a self defeating cycle, the more control you think you have, the less you feel like you matter, and you lose respect for whomever is caught in the web.

 

One of the most peculiar things about that guy is that he seemed to lose respect for me the more I felt for him. At the beginning, he put all of his effort into catching me. Once he caught me and I started developing real feelings for him, he became cold and cruel. It was almost like he was disgusted with the idea of anyone loving him and anyone who did wasn't worthy of any respect. This was not just me who he did this with, either. Other ex-girlfriends reported the same behavior.

[twinklecat]

On the outside, my ex had a completely "fearless" mask. It didn't take me long to realize that he was one of the most frightened individuals I've ever met. I'm not sure where that fear originated, but he was almost animal-like. You're pretty brave to have admitted to yourself that you needed to fix some things within yourself. My ex made a full-time job of blaming others for everything. I doubt he would ever admit that he needed to work on himself. That is sad because I know that there is a whole line of people that are going to be hurt because of it.

 

 

 

Absolutely true. That guy demanded all of my time and attention. When he didn't get it, he was furious.

 

 

 

One of the most peculiar things about that guy is that he seemed to lose respect for me the more I felt for him. At the beginning, he put all of his effort into catching me. Once he caught me and I started developing real feelings for him, he became cold and cruel. It was almost like he was disgusted with the idea of anyone loving him and anyone who did wasn't worthy of any respect. This was not just me who he did this with, either. Other ex-girlfriends reported the same behavior.

 

Wow, that's exactly how my ex was. He put a huge amount of effort into the chase, once he had me and I'd fallen head over heels, he did just seem to lose all respect for me. He would belittle me, tried to stop me seeing my friends, tried to turn me against my family (even when we split he tried to drive a wedge between me and my mother!) he controlled pretty much every aspect of my life - then left me for my best friend. I was devestated at first, but it's about 5 months on now, the shades are off and I can see things clearly, and can see exactly what he is. I'm alot happier these days, but the experience has scared me, I wasn't aware of people like this before him.

[Crazy Magnet]

Have any of you gone through something similar to this?

 

I believe the reality of my own situation sunk in when he left a detailed message on the answering machine about the ways he was going to kill me. Over the course of our relationship, he slowly cut me off from every friend I had, from my family, and essentially from contact with anyone but himself. I was never pretty enough or sexy enough to sleep with, I was a "bitch" and a "whore" and I was accused on a daily basis of screwing other men. (Oddly enough HE was the one screwing other men...). He would often start a scene in public, screaming that if I didn't do what he said then it would prove to him that I was a slut and cheating on him. He put keyloggers on the computer, he called every number that I dialed or who dialed me on my phone. He would call my family and make up things about me that I was doing, like cheating, and try to turn them against me. He would beat his own dog until it would wet on itself. And yes, he was violent towards me. He would lie about things to my face while I was standing there holding irrefutable evidence, and then tell me I was crazy and that I had fabricated the evidence to cover my own cheating ways. It was absolute HELL. For an entire year after I managed to leave him I had panic attacks every day, I lived in fear, I threw up almost everything I ate. My life was miserable.

 

 

How did you get over it?

 

I packed up and moved to another country for a while. Somehow an ocean seemed a safe distance away from him.

 

I started reconnecting with my friends. I called them and told them why I had not been talking to them and what had happened to me. I was so ashamed that I had let my life get so bad, but my friends are awesome, and they loved me anyway.

 

I went through two years of weekly therapy.

 

I've been out four years, and there are still things that trigger panic attacks, irrational thoughts and fears, and which cause me to not trust my current partner. I can't say that I'll ever be the same and it's still a constant battle to not get sucked back into that way of thinking. Now, to maintain what I did in therapy I journal about my thoughts and feelings. I write what I feel, and then I write all the ways those thoughts are irrational and all the evidence I have to prove those thoughts wrong (basically I'm doing cognitive behavioral therapy on myself.)

 

I am personally determined to get back to the person I was before b/c I refuse to let him win. He, of course, has gone on and destroyed another girl's life in the meantime. It's what he does, and it breaks my heart to know that she's going to hate herself in the end of it all.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from and it's not an easy place to be.

[Crazy Magnet]

[/b]

 

Wow, that's exactly how my ex was. He put a huge amount of effort into the chase, once he had me and I'd fallen head over heels, he did just seem to lose all respect for me. He would belittle me, tried to stop me seeing my friends, tried to turn me against my family (even when we split he tried to drive a wedge between me and my mother!) he controlled pretty much every aspect of my life - then left me for my best friend. I was devestated at first, but it's about 5 months on now, the shades are off and I can see things clearly, and can see exactly what he is. I'm alot happier these days, but the experience has scared me, I wasn't aware of people like this before him.

 

Yes! When my blinders came off and I realized that people like this existed it freaked me out! I never knew a human could be so calculating and cruel.

[Toki]

On the outside, my ex had a completely "fearless" mask. It didn't take me long to realize that he was one of the most frightened individuals I've ever met. I'm not sure where that fear originated, but he was almost animal-like. You're pretty brave to have admitted to yourself that you needed to fix some things within yourself. My ex made a full-time job of blaming others for everything. I doubt he would ever admit that he needed to work on himself. That is sad because I know that there is a whole line of people that are going to be hurt because of it.

 

It may not originate from anywhere, he could have psychosis. It is a very primal fear, and difficult to describe, and your sense of judgement is either that *you* are important to me, or you're not. Oddly, even though I had very little respect for my ex, and my parents, I would do anything to make sure my siblings were well. It's usually true that most will go on to hurt more people, have difficult holding down a job, and continuously defy sources of authority. I was incredibly lucky that in my case, I may have only hurt two or three people, but I know as is the case with some there is usually a string going into the twenties or thirties. I never blamed others for my problems (although certainly many do), I denied I ever had one, I lied to myself just as much as anyone else. You are right in that some won't ever get help, but a lot do, when you have psychiatric problems sociopathy is generally a symptom rather than a cause, and when you understand your mental health is in serious jeopardy, generally the sociopathy gets treated under the same pretense as whatever else you have. Just so happens the antipsychotic I take also treats the sociopathic symptoms I have because of my disorder.

 

 

 

 

One of the most peculiar things about that guy is that he seemed to lose respect for me the more I felt for him. At the beginning, he put all of his effort into catching me. Once he caught me and I started developing real feelings for him, he became cold and cruel. It was almost like he was disgusted with the idea of anyone loving him and anyone who did wasn't worthy of any respect. This was not just me who he did this with, either. Other ex-girlfriends reported the same behavior.

 

I won't ever try to justify his actions, but many don't understand that they are doing something wrong, it could be completely normal for him. It sounds to me, like he may be a psychopath rather than a sociopath. I can't recall ever being especially cold or cruel to my ex, except when she tried to destroy the little perfect world I created in my head, and even then I would apologize profusely. However you are right that once the chase is up, people with a mental conditon may move on to the next high. They have you, now they want to have a bit of "fun" with you, they want you to get angry with them, goad you into doing things you wouldn't normally do, it's both to exert that control, and to get a reaction out of you that will give them some sense that they have to have more control. The fantasy world often times becomes confused with the reality, especially if the relationship ends the fantasy the he still has control still exists. He might tell you he's going to kill you, or he might stalk you (both of which I never did) but it's unlikely a sociopath will act on his threats or fantasies, a psychopath is much more likely to do so. While both conditions fall under the same tree of disorders, a sociopath is more about control, where a psychopath is more about power.

[mickleb]

Have any of you gone through something similar to this?

 

I believe the reality of my own situation sunk in when he left a detailed message on the answering machine about the ways he was going to kill me. Over the course of our relationship, he slowly cut me off from every friend I had, from my family, and essentially from contact with anyone but himself. I was never pretty enough or sexy enough to sleep with, I was a "bitch" and a "whore" and I was accused on a daily basis of screwing other men. (Oddly enough HE was the one screwing other men...). He would often start a scene in public, screaming that if I didn't do what he said then it would prove to him that I was a slut and cheating on him. He put keyloggers on the computer, he called every number that I dialed or who dialed me on my phone. He would call my family and make up things about me that I was doing, like cheating, and try to turn them against me. He would beat his own dog until it would wet on itself. And yes, he was violent towards me. He would lie about things to my face while I was standing there holding irrefutable evidence, and then tell me I was crazy and that I had fabricated the evidence to cover my own cheating ways. It was absolute HELL. For an entire year after I managed to leave him I had panic attacks every day, I lived in fear, I threw up almost everything I ate. My life was miserable.

 

 

How did you get over it?

 

I packed up and moved to another country for a while. Somehow an ocean seemed a safe distance away from him.

 

I started reconnecting with my friends. I called them and told them why I had not been talking to them and what had happened to me. I was so ashamed that I had let my life get so bad, but my friends are awesome, and they loved me anyway.

 

I went through two years of weekly therapy.

 

I've been out four years, and there are still things that trigger panic attacks, irrational thoughts and fears, and which cause me to not trust my current partner. I can't say that I'll ever be the same and it's still a constant battle to not get sucked back into that way of thinking. Now, to maintain what I did in therapy I journal about my thoughts and feelings. I write what I feel, and then I write all the ways those thoughts are irrational and all the evidence I have to prove those thoughts wrong (basically I'm doing cognitive behavioral therapy on myself.)

 

I am personally determined to get back to the person I was before b/c I refuse to let him win. He, of course, has gone on and destroyed another girl's life in the meantime. It's what he does, and it breaks my heart to know that she's going to hate herself in the end of it all.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from and it's not an easy place to be.

 

It goes without saying but what horrible, horrible behaviour. Very sorry you were on the receiving end of it.

 

People have usually been treated similarly to behave in such a way, though.

 

May I just take the opportunity to thank people again for their honesty? I find this thread very valuable.

 

eraser - I am very glad that you asked your questions here. I think that self-understanding frees us to become who we want to be. There are many ways to do this and some have been suggested here: therapy, journaling, reading self-help books.

 

Perhaps it is important for us to form a picture of who we want to be, then look for the strengths we hold that can move us towards that? I do think it is hard to keep this journey up, though, without some support. Perhaps you could gain yours from us, if there is no-one else you wish to ask for help?

 

It is important to recognise the bits of yourself that can never be taken from you, by anyone. What are your skills, talents, knowledge? These things will always belong to you. Understanding things like this can restore your confidence in yourself, then you can begin to trust that self with others. Begin to share yourself. But only when you are certain of your true value.

 

x