green_tea Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 So the double standards thread has inspired me to ask for some advice. So there is this guy, who was being set up with me (not important how) - he was given my email address (due to me living in another country, but I often go back home for visits and eventually want to move back there). So I waited for an email, and never got one. But some friends of mine know him, and he was on one of their facebook page, so I decided to send him a message and add him. So he accepts my request, but I don't get a reply to my message. Now I thought, well I didn't say much except, well I heard that people were trying to set us up because we're both single, so hope you don't mind me sending you a message. So I thought well maybe that didn't really warrant a reply (even though I was expecting one). Anyway, I have no idea what this guy is like, but his photo looks ok, and I wouldn't mind getting to know him - but it's a bit difficult when he's made no effort whatsoever to communicate with me (except to accept my fb friend request) Some more background info, he was here a few years ago, and the mutual friends I talked about tried to get me to meet him back then - but I was involved with someone else at the time (that the mutual friends didn't know about) - so I thought well he might think he has no chance now because I turned down the chance to meet him back then.. I'm very confused about where I stand with this guy now..whether I've done enough to know for sure that he's not interested in meeting me? Which I find a bit hard to accept, because I've got quite an attractive fb photo?? I know looks aren't everything, but what could possibly be the problem in at least communicating with me?? By the way his fb status is single, so it's not like he is no longer available. Would it be too much to send him another message?? Or I was thinking well I could just wait until I've got another trip lined up back home, then see if wants to meet up? But I'm afraid of another non response, and of looking "desperate".
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Uh, you are already looking desparate. I have been in your situation a few times and I honestly didn't give a f. I mean why would you care about some random single guy that you had no previous interactions with? What is the difference between him and finding pretty much any single guy on your friends FB list and messaging them? What is the difference between him and any other random guy on the street for that matter? I just don't get why would you care at all. 1
Author green_tea Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Thanks for the response. I've been single for a long time now, and I hardly ever meet guys that I find interesting and attractive - which this guy seems to be, and he also ticks a lot of the things I'm looking for (age, cultural background etc). He's not just a random single guy, and I don't meet guys every day. Clearly you have more pick of guys than I do. I didn't say I cared about this guy - I've never met him, he just seems to have potential, and I was wondering if I had done enough to scope out his interest in meeting me - it seems I have done enough (going by your response), and should just forget about it now.
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Thanks for the response. I've been single for a long time now, and I hardly ever meet guys that I find interesting and attractive - which this guy seems to be, and he also ticks a lot of the things I'm looking for (age, cultural background etc). He's not just a random single guy, and I don't meet guys every day. Clearly you have more pick of guys than I do. I didn't say I cared about this guy - I've never met him, he just seems to have potential, and I was wondering if I had done enough to scope out his interest in meeting me - it seems I have done enough (going by your response), and should just forget about it now. OK, sorry if I was harsh. And yes, you have done enough, it's bad news to set yourself in the role of pursuer - trust me, it's only downhill from there. It is a lot better to be single than to be with someone who treats you less than what you deserve. Be patient. 1
spiderowl Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 You could send him another message asking a direct question, then he would have a reason to reply. If he doesn't reply, you'll know where you stand. However, you have sent a message and if he had wanted to get to know you, he could have easily responded in some form, if only to say 'hi'. He hasn't, so either he hasn't seen it yet or he's not that bothered. Personally, I wouldn't bother with him after that but then I'm a bit trigger-happy where rejection is concerned.
boogieboy Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 You should have stopped contacting him after he didnt email you. Once he accepted your freind request and didnt answer the email, you should have written him off. Hes clearly not anywhere near interested in you.
Author green_tea Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 Yes that's what I was thinking, because I didn't ask him a direct question I thought that could be why he didn't reply. There is also the fact that I turned down an opportunity to meet up with him in the past - that's why I made the effort to contact him this time. I do find it a bit hard to believe that he's not even bothering about me, I mean everyone goes on about how hard it is to meet people to date these days - and here I've made it easy for him and got absolutely nothing back. So much for guys liking women making the first move. Anyway I really appreciate the responses, and am glad I asked, because I really was quite close to emailing him again.
Author green_tea Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 It is a lot better to be single than to be with someone who treats you less than what you deserve. Be patient. Thanks that is good advice
St. Nick Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Yes that's what I was thinking, because I didn't ask him a direct question I thought that could be why he didn't reply. There is also the fact that I turned down an opportunity to meet up with him in the past - that's why I made the effort to contact him this time. I do find it a bit hard to believe that he's not even bothering about me, I mean everyone goes on about how hard it is to meet people to date these days - and here I've made it easy for him and got absolutely nothing back. So much for guys liking women making the first move. Anyway I really appreciate the responses, and am glad I asked, because I really was quite close to emailing him again. See, here's the thing they were arguing in that "double standard" thread. Women don't pursue men the way men pursue women. Women have different ways of doing it. And sometimes women think their pursuing when they really aren't. You asked the dude to add you to ask to fb and hinting something random in your invite, "well I heard that people were trying to set us up because we're both single, so hope you don't mind me sending you a message." That sentence right there does not look like you're making a move at all. I'm sure many guys would agree with me. I can't pick up any clear message from that at all. For women, that looks like you're sending your interests loud and clear. For guys, that doesn't seem like a message at all. The sentence is so passive that I find it hard to pick up anything clear about your interest in him. What a guy would consider a direct approach from a woman is, "Hey, wanna go on a date?" then you definitely don't look so passive and there aren't any hints. I'm sorry, greentea, but that definitely was not a move. My advice: ask your friends more about him; if you like what you hear then ask them to put in a good word for you. After they put in a good word then ask him directly, "Do you wanna go out?" Don't give random passive sentences, questions, or hints. Guys only consider it a move when it is a direct question.
Author green_tea Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Another interesting response, St Nick. My message was an actual fb email though - not just the bit where you can add a message when you send a friend request. But I see what you mean about it not really being a move - though I did take the trouble to make first contact, which I thought was quite bold. I think you are right, maybe see what happens later on - if and when I plan a trip over there (he's in New Zealand, I'm currently in Australia) I might ask him if he wants to meet up. Will leave him alone in the meantime. Thanks for everyone's point of view it was definitely an eye opener for me.
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