caretoomuch Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 Kit, This new desire to send roses ... does that mean you have dropped the need for 'revenge' and replaced it with love again. You must let go with love, this does not mean drop her from your life. Free the bird so it can come home again under its own desire.
julileg Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 your story is very sad. i think she loves you very much but is putting herself first. if she comes back to you it will be a very long time. by that time it will be probably too late to reconcile. she is on a totally different timetable in her personal quest for living her life. my advice to you is to stop dwelling on her and look for new exciting women to get to know.
lost_in_chgo Posted January 19, 2004 Posted January 19, 2004 Kit, Go ahead with the rose before she leaves. You are on good enough terms. BUT DONT FIGHT WITH HER. and don't give her a hard time. Try to salvage the penpal thing if you can. Make it an offer that she can write to you or email when she can. Email is easier because she can fetch it whenever and you don't have to worry about mailing addresses. YOu situation is very sad, but she is doing what she has to do for her life. Don't try to take that away from her and if you still want her back be as strong as you can, wish her well and tell her you'll be looking forward to seeing her when she returns.
caretoomuch Posted January 20, 2004 Posted January 20, 2004 lost, I do not agree that kit should send the rose. The rose is a symbol of something that his ex does not want to be reminded of now. It is pressure for a reply that maybe she cannot give. The constant pressure and nagging will only push her away from him closing more avenues of contact. I saw my ex a week ago and she said these same words to me. She told me that my persistence and 'nagging' have only pushed her away. it broke me when she said that if had left her alone to sort herself out then most probably we would have gotten back together. whether this is true or not the fact was that my 'nagging' only forced her into a decision based on her current state of mind. that state of mind said that it was over and i forced her into making and declaring that. now through nagging her mind is made up and i have absolutely no avenues to contact her or talk. Kit, she knows you love her you do not need the rose to tell her this. However i do agree that the penpal thing must be encouraged at all costs. even if it not what you want. it is an avenue to stay in her mind and you need to do this. leave v-day well alone, be sad but be sad in silence - you can only close more doors by contacting her on this day. cheers
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 20, 2004 Posted January 20, 2004 do not send that rose, it will make matters worse by pushing her further away!!!!! on Valentines Day don't be silent or sad, get together with your mates and get a load of beer and do something that is what i will be doing
sarah12 Posted January 20, 2004 Posted January 20, 2004 Don't send the rose for all the reasons stated in the above posts. Go out with all your single friends on that night. That's my plan and I am looking forward to a good time. I wish there were more events for singles on Valentines Day. Either way I think I'm going to be enjoying a dinner with the girls and avoid talking about the men as much as possible! You should really keep yourself occupied with other activities on that day. The last thing anyone wants on Valentines day is to be reminded of their failed relationships.
lost_in_chgo Posted January 20, 2004 Posted January 20, 2004 Kit, I didn't mean to do it for Valentines, don't, but do it before she leaves. Don't let her leave on a bad note.
SoleMate Posted January 20, 2004 Posted January 20, 2004 CareTooMuch said: "Be sad, but be sad in silence." This phrase stabbed me in the heart. The advice may be wise, but this is lonely advice to give. The human soul wants to cry out its pain, but tactics put a stopper in the mouth that is raw with sobbing.
Author KitWalker Posted January 20, 2004 Author Posted January 20, 2004 unfortunately, i think im the one and only single guy left in my group of friends, and I have a pretty extensive group!!! Talk about a ****ty Valentines Day! Thats my favourite day of the year!!!! What are most of you doing on Feb 14?
reasontosigh Posted January 20, 2004 Posted January 20, 2004 Since football season is over (for us here, anyway) I'll most likely be watching hockey .
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 20, 2004 Posted January 20, 2004 unfortunately, i think im the one and only single guy left in my group of friends that is part of your problem KitWalker, all your friends are attached and you think "why am i not attached?" this is a common thing in human nature, a form of peer pressure, its like girls or even guys at 30 starting to panic about living alone their whole life!!!!!!!!! V day was never important to me, i have only ever got 1 card my whole life, for some reason Christmas or New Year were always painful when breaking up but never V day join me my friend on V day even though you are 13,000 miles away to a beer or a crate of beer for i maybe be alone too!!!! that is the best solution!
Author KitWalker Posted January 20, 2004 Author Posted January 20, 2004 hehehehe, its a pity we arent all in the same area/country that we can all meet up!!!! Then again, wonder if we'd do ourselves any good? Or maybe laugh at each other's funny accents??
Marty_McFly Posted January 20, 2004 Posted January 20, 2004 Originally posted by KitWalker What are most of you doing on Feb 14? I know it's not your first choice of activities, but V-day is one of the best days of the year to meet single girls out on the town. All the attached girls are alone with their boyfriends, so you know 99% of the girls at the bar are single, and many of them are feeling "left out" just like you are right now. I'm pretty sure I'll be out trying to meet a new friend or two on V-day!
caretoomuch Posted January 20, 2004 Posted January 20, 2004 Guys, 'Sad in silence' .... By this I meant only not to contact your ex and leave her alone. by all means do not sit at home alone ... but rather go out and have fun. Just dont contact the ex with pressure tactics. this sacrifice you make now can only help the situation. we will all have this pain on v-day but sending roses cannot help. No matter what we are doing we will be sad, whether we are distracted for the day or not.
Author KitWalker Posted February 10, 2004 Author Posted February 10, 2004 Well its been a while since i last updated this thread, bits and pieces have happened, but nothing really important to write about. Today I had coffee with the ex, so i thought I would write up what happened and for all of those looking for answers to your questions, I maybe able to help, I may not be? It may help to look back at past posts I have written in this thread and also the thread in PART I, otherwise you may not know what I am going on about? I rang my ex up on the Sunday arvo not expecting her to answer....but after the phone nearly rang out she did pick up and we chatted small talk and asked if she wanted to catch up that arvo or evening for a meal? She said she was busy, but said that she could catch up for coffee on tuesday morning instead? So we made a time and place and I hung up Initially, all I wanted to do was to go to coffee and basically be there to listen whats been happening and to find out whats been going on her life. It started off well with her talking about what shes been up to, chatting about mutual friends and listening to her upset about some stuff with her family! All this time I listened, occassionally nodding my head and smiling or having a laugh/giggle where appropriate. We were getting along fine and I asked what she was up to that weekend. She did tell me she had a 21st to go to on the Friday night and another party (her mum's bday) on sat night and then recovering on the Sunday. I expected her to be busy as she has been out and about doing her thing. I asked her if she wanted to catch up on Sunday arvo/evening, but she said no as she'll be recovering! I said that im sure she'll be up and have to eat! She said no, she'll still be asleep. So I asked how about on Monday after she finishes at uni at 5pm, i could pick her up and we could go to dinner just up the road. She ummed and errred and then said ok. I laughed to myself and she asked what I was laughing at? I smiled and told her it was like pulling teeth to get her to come out, she smiled and said it was because it made her uncomfortable to go out for dinner with me. Ok.....so this is the cue for where I had a million and one questions to ask her about us........and I didnt hold back! I asked what she meant by that? She said that she didnt like to go out to dinner cos she didnt want to give me hope. She said the reasons for going out to dinner are different to what I want and to what she wants. I said i had no intention of doing anything or making any moves, she said she knows that, however, if its two friends meeting up, its rarely that its dinner, but instead just coffee or lunch? I asked what I was to her, she said i was a friend. I asked if she was avoiding me as I hadnt heard from her, she replied she wasnt avoiding me at all. I wanted to know then why didnt I ever hear from her either by a phone call, sms or email? She said that I never gave her a chance to have her contact me. She said that from the time that we had broken up, there were small periods that I did give her space, but i went back to dropping her sms's or emails here and there! She said I never gave her a chance to let her contact me! (so all of you who are wondering if you should contact ur ex?) I accepted that and then asked what was up with us. I told her that it had been 5mths since we've been apart and I wanted to know what she meant at Xmas time when she said that after we had met up why she had wondered if she had done the right thing by breaking up? I asked her now if she had thought she had made the right decision? she told me she had and that she had analysed why she had broken up with me leading up to the day of the break up and right up until Xmas. She said that she had weighed what was great about our relationship and what was bad and then figured if she could live with the stuff that was bad and in the end she couldnt? She hadnt changed her mind from when she broke up with me and she told me there and then that we wouldnt get back together before she went away! That was fact! I let her speak during all of this and then came back with my defence..... I told her that when we had our last talk at Xmas time, that she said 3mths that we were apart wasnt enough time for me to change nor change the things that she hated about me, i told her that its been 5mths apart now and it has been plenty time for me to change. How am i so sure? I asked her when we first got together, the very first day, did she fall in love with me then? She said yes, immediately. I asked how about afterwards? She said that i was everything that she was looking for and more. I said were there anythings that she didnt like? She said there were little quirks, but stuff she could look over. I told her that I am that person now that she loved back then! In the 18mths we were together, I had changed in the last 4mths or so becoming someone who i even hated myself after looking back. I told her that this time apart had allowed me to change BACK to someone who I initially was!! Im not trying to change to somebody who i never was, im not trying to break into new ground, instead im going back to my roots to the person she fell in love with initially! She went quiet when I told her that.... i could see her thinking ....i decided to keep going! I told her that I loved her with all my heart and that if it was a perfect world and we could get back together, that we would but when it was time for her to fly away on her trip, that I would happily have her go but I could wait for her return, she could come back when she was ready or even call me to meet her in somewhere that she's found as her 'new home'? She looked at me and said why would that be any different to leaving us how we are now and me leaving later? I told her because at the time when she decides to leave, we would have feelings for each other. We would have given it another go and when she leaves she and I would realise if we ARE supposed to be, if we should spend our lives together or not? At the moment, if she leaves tomorrow all she has is her thoughts of how I was toward the end of our relationship and basing her decisions on what I did in the past........if the second chance was given, i would have the chance to prove to her that I have changed and that I am the same person she met 18mths ago. I said my biggest scare was that like with two of her ex's that she had and that she was VERy close to marrying that I thought she would do the same again with some guy who just walked into her life. I said that the first guy she nearly married who she thought was 'prolly the best out there' she only broke up at the last minute, the 2nd guy who she was prolly going to settle down with was cos he was financially stable....none of them cos she loved them? She answered that the 1st guy she was only 21yrs old, (shes turning 28 this year) and that her decision back then was made when she was young and niave! She said the 2nd guy, i had misunderstood what she had said when in fact all she said that if she WERE to marry him, then life would be simple for her cos they would be financially stable. She did not in fact love the guy at all to even consider marrying him (I felt very small for making that error believe me!) She said that in the time she had her first relationship right up until today, she wanted to know if I thought she had grown in wisdom about relationships....i answered yes, she had! So she replied, what makes me think that I would make the mistake of ending up with someone that I didnt love or i didnt think that was right for her? I couldnt answer that.... We sat there for 2hrs talking and if it she didnt have to run off to meet a friend for lunch, we would've kept on talking. I laid it on the table to her telling her that I loved her very much, that I would want her as my wife and the mother of my children! She asked why i was telling her this? I said i was telling her because I didnt want any mis-communication between us and that i didnt want her wondering if I was scared of committment etc. I was getting to her (no, not pissing her off) and I could see it in her face, her eyes did well up a few times but she held back the tears. In the end I asked her, if the tables were turned what would she do if she was me? She replied that she would move on with her life, prove to me that she has done the changes. Don't tell that she's read books, that she's done research or seen a councillor.....just show that shes changed in the actions and in the conversations that we have. I asked her if she would ever call to catch up, she said she would! no doubt! We left the coffee shop and walked down the street where we then stopped before we parted ways. We turned to each other and gave each other a HUGE hug....what I noticed most was that she held onto me when she hugged me...i kissed her on the cheek a few times and then said goodbye and that i loved her at which she smiled!! Granted we did not get back together, but I felt a HUGE weight lift off my shoulders....i felt like i got everything off my chest and she really knew how i felt! After the conversation I had, the first thing I did was to delete her mobile number from my phone. If I dont have her number, I cant call nor can I msg..... For those of you who are still wondering or i've blinded you with all of this typing, let me summarise.... 1. NO CONTACT RULE......its fact! You NEED to keep away from your ex and not to contact them at all! Even to say hi for whatever reason! They know how you feel, they know what you want, you need to keep away at all costs! Let them call you! And when they do call, dont act sad/sulky/angry...be yourself, be happy if you are, be confident! 2. Move on with life, this doesnt necessarily mean that you have to forget about them, you can still keep fond memories, but you need to go out, see other people and hopefully meet a few that you can consistently go out on casual dating with? 3. Don't beg, write, or cry to your ex. It does nothing for you! If you want to get back with them, if you want to show that you have changed, prove it to them in your actions and in your words in CONVERSATION! You dont need to point out what you've improved, they can see it themselves! 4. Keep the faith. If you really really truly believe that she loves you and that you right for each other (and only you know that, nobody else!), then believe in it and work toward making yourself that better person. If you've changed for the better, she/he will see it and they will appreciate it and they will come back if they too love you as much as you love them! I know a few times i've read posts of people saying "if she loves u, she'll come back" and "no contact rule!" along with a few others. I thought to myself, how the hell can these things relate to me? Everyone is different???? But basically, after reading my post, you can see, that a lot of the stuff that has already been mentioned in this post is true? Guys and gals, this is not to say that this is whats going to happen for every single relationship out there. All of this is not made up, nor has it been 'air brushed' to make things look rosier than they are. Its the truth and I've posted it up here so that some of you who have been asking questions and wondering (including myself) will have some answers on how the other side thinks???? The only 1 regret i have, was that i didnt asked if she still loved me....and if she did, what kind of love was it? Love your friend? Or love your partner.......something I'll just have to decide on my own I guess? What am i going to do now? well i've taken the first step of getting rid of her mobile number. Im going to wait until she decides to call me, if she does at all? And if she does call and wants to meet up, i WILL show her that i've changed and that i am that guy she fell in love with too! In the meantime, I will have to 'try' and go out and have fun with other people. This doesnt mean you HAVE to sleep with someone, but going out and enjoying the companionship of the opposite sex? She will come back to Australia and I know that when she does come back, im hoping that we're both still single and that we could give it a real go! I truly believe that! The more we sit alone, not wanting to go out or sulking and thinking about the past, the less progress you make for yourself and the less chance you give yourself to improve and winning back your ex! Good luck!!!
SoleMate Posted February 10, 2004 Posted February 10, 2004 Hey Kit, congrats on having such a positive meeting and on coming up with so much good advice for other people in your boat. Yeah, I know it's the same old stuff, but coming from someone who has just LIVED it makes it powerful.
lost_in_chgo Posted February 10, 2004 Posted February 10, 2004 Kit, Welcome back, you were missed! I don't think you should regret not asking her about her feelings toward you. That might seem desparate or needy. I think you played it excellently. Who knows, perhaps she will initiate something before leaving. You mentioned dating etc... you never did date anyone did you? (too lazy to look it up right now) You are planning to though. Did you discuss the penpal thing with her? ---Initiate thread hijacking--- Thanks for the update. I've been considering a friendly call to the ex before valentines and keeping myself from doing it because I still feel that she might feel pressured. I've not called her friend for 2 months or her for almost four. This is ridiculous. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Frankly if this no contact thing is successful at this point I will be completely amazed and it hasn't done me a bit of good. Nevertheless, any other option I take will lead nowhere, but with a negative slant. I have another problem and that is in approaching unknown females. I have no problem whatsoever with women I know, well maybe a tiny bit, or with those that give a clear sign, but I've always felt extremely uncomfortable doing a cold call. It's maybe shyness, but I always feel like I am intruding. So the end result of this is that I spend alot of time alone between relationships. Years sometimes. So the reality is that I will likely not date anyone for awhile in any case. And over the past few months this has been compounded by hope. All of this, and the situation and what people are saying make no contact infinitely harder to manage. Everyone tells me that I should move on and not wait. Most everyone agrees that this is probably a temporary sow-her-oats divorce anxiety thing, and that she will eventually call when she settles a bit. But some just say (quite a few on this board too) that I should just move on find another and foggettabouther, that no relationship is worth the effort. If you've ever seen the movie "Michael" I feel like I'm stuck in a loop at the end of the movie, two people that keep nearly crossing paths and never reconnect until Michael puts them together. Except no Michael. So anyway..... ---Terminate thread hijacking--- If she calls before she leaves and you do see her, give her an international calling card with like 1000 minutes on it. Make her promise to call you at least once while she is away. Oh and give her my number. No reason she and I should be lonely if she's coming thru Chicago. (hehehehe)
maxmuscle Posted February 11, 2004 Posted February 11, 2004 Kit, I hope some people take your advice because it is true. Thanks for the post!
dario Posted February 11, 2004 Posted February 11, 2004 Kit, You are a friggin legend! You put on your cards on table with a great sense of humbleness and you truly acted like a man. I admire you and only wish (cause all is hindsight for me) that I can do the same...perhaps if the future treats me with such obstacles.
Author KitWalker Posted February 11, 2004 Author Posted February 11, 2004 Thanks guys, DARIO, if only the ex saw me through the eyes that you have, I'd be a very happy chappy!!!
NatoPMT Posted February 11, 2004 Posted February 11, 2004 Hi Kit What an impressive post - good work fella. If someone reads and listens to a quarter of that then you have done them a great service. forget your one regret, none - remember? i nearly stood up and applauded wildly but i wont, i'll look cool and nonchalant instead. BB
lost_in_chgo Posted February 11, 2004 Posted February 11, 2004 lol BB...very cool and somewhat nonchalant
lost_in_chgo Posted February 25, 2004 Posted February 25, 2004 Kit et al - help- OK, "no contact" is working for me..... Today I received an email from the ex. She started off with : I was glad to hear that you were doing well. The new job is working well for you I hope. I'm sorry I had to be so cold and cut all contact off with you. I felt it was the only way to make you realize that I was not coming back to you. This letter is not meant to give you that hope either. I just thought you would like to hear how things have fallen apart here (her work/my old work). It has gone from bad to worse. some stuff about work... some stuff about her family.... All I'm asking is that you don't take this as me trying to be your girlfriend again. [our old boss] kept trying to push me into getting back with you. I did not appreciate that at all. So if your curious about anything else just ask. Maybe we could actually be friends again some day. But please don't bring up anything about love or relationships or I will have to stop talking to you again. So while I'm thrilled that she is finally talking to me, I'm not so pleased that she is laying down the pretend we never were involved rules. I'm hesistant to respond at all. Though I probably will in a couple days. I'm also hesitant to establish some rules of my own. But basically I want to make it clear that she is going to have to treat me as a proper friend and not refuse to see me at all or to talk to me outside of work hours. What I want to do here is to give her the highest comfort level that I can so that I can at least have the friendship again. Beyond that will have to be up to her and wait and see. Thoughts??
caretoomuch Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 But what do you want .... a friend or a girlfriend back ? answer this first ... if u still want her back as a girlfirend then dont go there as it will hurt u more. if you want a friend then set your rules and abide by hers. why does she still fear your contact - does she have feelings for you still ? what is she gaining by having u as a friend. be careful and do what is best for you. you have come this far without her, to start this may set you back to the begining and none of us want to go back to the feelings when we first broke up.
lost_in_chgo Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 I understand that and agree. The thing is I'm not sure if the friendship things is worse. Yes I would like to get back together with her sometime down the road and I am willing to wait for her to come around. But regular contact is a double edged sword. It makes things more difficult for me, but it also give her some exposure to me that she otherwise would never have. That exposure may help her to reconsider things. But then so may "no contact" hehehe what a pickle. We've been exes for 6 months now, 4 months of no contact until today. No doubt she decided that if I didn't contact her on Valentine's Day that I was "safe". I am definitely not reading anything into this. But it is a first step toward any possibility of reconciliaton (or is it?). This is the point where some of the people on this forum would tell me to tell her to go to hell. But I'm not looking for vengeance. I'm looking to keep the door open for eventual reconciliation. I also dearly miss her as a friend and confidant. We were very close for so long. Her adamant stance on not talking about anything is also interesting. Obviously it makes her very uncomfortable to discuss things. The funny part is that talking it through and being very clear about everything would probably resolve it all in a short amount of time, one way or the other. At least everything would be clear and out in the open. I haven't been able to come to clear understanding of what that is all about.
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