kimflute26 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 My ex dumped me less than than a week ago. It was a 2-month long, long distance relationship where we'd only seen each other a few times (the first two over weekends and the last time for a week). We moved really fast and fell in love fast.... talked every single day. Unfortunately I took the relationship too seriously too soon... When little things changed I freaked out, I couldnt go with the flow. I realize now that I wouldnt let the relationship develop naturally in a fun carefree way, and I'm 1 million percent sure I'd never be that way in a relationship again.... But I can't change the past . He's been texting me every day.. just little things like "Hows ur day?" and "Wats up?". A couple days after the breakup he started making small talk with me... he talked about the weather, told me he liked my profile picture on facebook, told me about his day... etc. He sent me a "wats up?" message last night and I ignored it.... I'm at the point where I don't know what the heck to do. I went out to lunch today and that Rascle Flatts song "What Hurts The Most" came on, and I totally lost it. It's the one that goes: What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin' to do I don't know whether to just fall off the face of the earth, ask for a week or two of no contact so I can try and heal, or send him a note saying that I just can't be friends. I'm so hurt right now... still have very deep feelings (and he apparently still loves me too) but I have no idea if he will ever want to try things again with me. Today has been so depressing that I've been trying to sleep as much as possible. When I'm asleep and dreaming about things that have nothing to do with my ex I'm ok... then once I wake up it's like another slap in the face of reality.
angelaM Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I hate that feeling when you wake up in pain. For a split second you feel OK, and then WHAM it just hits you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. How did things end between you? Did he say it was moving too fast? Do you think you could talk it out and find a way to take it slow together? If there was no betrayal and you believe he still has feelings for you, I think I'd try to talk about what happened and see if there is another way to make it work. And if that isn't possible, the best thing you can do is go NC and try to create some space in order to heal. I'm a big fan of the direct approach: "I still have feelings for you and it's too painful to be friends right now." Then focus on you, and your healing. I am so sorry.
Author kimflute26 Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 No, no betrayal or anything like that.... Basically he said that the fact that I worried too much, that things went too fast, that I started to get jealous over weird things (which stemmed from the worrying) was th reason it ended. I've thought about asking if we could try it again slowly... but I fel like if he said no it would be too much for me to bare. And I wouldnt know whether to do that over the phone... or in a message or what.... UGH. It just hurts knowing that I'd be a model girlfriend if we tried things again. I'm so sure of it I'd bet my life on it. Damm-freaking-it.
angelaM Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I totally understand, I would have the same fear and you don't need to put yourself through that again while you're still hurting. So I guess the best thing is to either ignore/block his messages and don't respond, or tell him you can't be friends and you need space to heal, and ask him to respect that. But definitely don't go along with his friendly chit-chat, that will make you feel worse and you don't owe him that. For you to focus on yourself and your healing doesn't preclude having another chance together at some point, if that's what both of you want. NC is something you do for yourself to ease the pain and try to move on, but it doesn't hurt that sometimes that's what it takes for someone to realize they really do miss you and want to be together. So for now, just try to create some distance and look after what you need, really pamper yourself and do the little things that give you comfort in the moment. And go easy on yourself, you did the best you could at the time. Take care.
spriggig Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I'd like to stress here that any false hope you harbor about rekindling this relationship will make it harder for you to heal. If you love someone, set them free.
angelaM Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I'd like to stress here that any false hope you harbor about rekindling this relationship will make it harder for you to heal. If you love someone, set them free. I generally agree, however not always. One exception is when a breakup is such a horrific shock (for whatever reason) that a person feels suicidal or emotionally unstable to the point where beating that into your brain because people keep telling you to face reality actually makes the situation worse. Sometimes, early on, denial is necessary for survival. I have been there. There was a time years ago when I simply would not have survived the first week after a breakup without telling myself we would be back together some day. It didn't matter what anyone at the crisis clinic said about locking up the knives and dumping the pills, I knew I would die unless I held out hope. I was so devastated, it would have accomplished absolutely nothing at that point to keep reminding myself he wasn't coming back. Did I delay my healing? Maybe so, maybe not. But I had to do it my way. And I would do the very same thing if it happened again, because I needed that in order to survive. That's just me. My heart knew when I could let go, and it did. It was on my timetable, no one else's. Everyone is different. Some people need to rip the bandaid off immediately because that's how they heal; some people need to accept reality over time. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to matters of the heart. And I think that when someone's breakup is still so new and so devastating that they can't even face getting out of bed, it's OK to confront reality another day. If you're still clinging to hope a year after a breakup and your ex is married to someone else, yeah, that's bad. I just don't happen to subscribe to the theory that you have to go into emotional boot camp the minute a relationship ends. Focusing on your life and maintaining NC are the important things. Letting go is a process and it is different for everyone.
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