AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I invited a girl to a bar and it's not far from where I live. This is our second date. She knows where I live and so I have to ask: Is she assuming I'm going to invite her back to my place? Does this imply that she's "ready" to move forward? I invited her with the *intent* to just have a good time, but I am now wondering what she may be thinking. If a guy invites you in this way, what do you think?
Pfiend101 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Has she said yes? Play it by ear. If it goes well ask her if she wants to "watch a movie at your place". Then get it on.
Author AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 Yes she accepted the date -- I am asking if most girls would assume that they're going to be going back to the guy's place in this scenario.
Johnny M Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Yes she accepted the date -- I am asking if most girls would assume that they're going to be going back to the guy's place in this scenario. Well, I'm not a girl, but I don't believe most girls would automatically assume that you want to invite them over to your place later. So to answer the question you are really asking, the fact that she accepted the date does not necessarily mean she will say yes if you ask her to come home with you. So I'm going to reiterate Pfiend's advice: play it by ear.
marsle85 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I wouldn't assume so, especially since it's only the 2nd date.
DustySaltus Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 She may think of it than nothing more as a coincidence. If she asks, tell her you like the place, simple as that.
dazzle22 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Well, who knows what she's thinking, but honestly I believe you should plan all early dates near one person's house. In fact, I don't go on early dates unless they're near my place or hers. Because this leaves the possibility open for sex. You're less likely to have sex if you have to drive 20 minutes before it happens. You always want your eyes on the prize and do everything in your power to leave that option open, in my opinion. I am going to cut and paste this and put it up in girls' restrooms, so when they wonder "does he like me, do you think he cares?..blah, blah, blah," they can be hit over the head with the STONE COLD TRUTH ABOUT MEN.
terra Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I would not assume on a second date. I would think you picked the bar because you liked it and you are most likely to be familiar with places around your place.
Rearden Metal Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I am going to cut and paste this and put it up in girls' restrooms, so when they wonder "does he like me, do you think he cares?..blah, blah, blah," they can be hit over the head with the STONE COLD TRUTH ABOUT MEN. Enough of YOU sleep with US under these scenarios to make it the STONE COLD TRUTH ABOUT PEOPLE. It's not just men.
ADF Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 She may or may not recognize your intentions. It really depends on how innocent or sophisticated she is. If she is relatively innocent, she might not see the connection between the location of the bar and the location of your apartment. If she is more sophisticated, and knows men are always plotting ways to get women into bed, she will see the connection immediately. Frankly, I wouldn't push her too hard on the second date. That can signal to her that you are desperate, presumptuous, or both.
marsle85 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Oh my gosh, I never particularly envision myself sleeping with a guy on the first few dates. Those people make it very difficult for people like myself.
Author AbAeterno Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 The date went well -- no sleeping Was just curious what girls would think about such an invite. How many dates "on average" does it take you before you get into the physical side of things?
Author AbAeterno Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 When you say 5th/6th, do you flirt/touch at all physically before that?
marsle85 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Oh yeah. I like progression. Kiss me by the 2nd date and it's allll fun from there. Then you move into casual kissing and hugging and touching. I just don't want to be put in the position to have sex earlier than the 5th/6th date. I've rarely been ready by that point. I'm glad your date went well!
Author AbAeterno Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 It's been two dates so far and we haven't really been physically-flirty at all. It's been more friendly than anything, which is what worries me. We both admitted to being shy (although trying to get better at it throughout college), and she said that she found it "endearing." However, we've only really been going with these pretty weak hugs, haha. I'd like to get more physical at SOME point here but I'm not sure what's best, or if she's even interested. Neither of us have contacted each other since the date, if that matters.
carhill Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 OP, if you're not looking for a hook-up, consider, in the future, a quieter, less inebriated environment to get to know someone. Adjunct to that, again, if a relationship is your intent, focus more on the person and less on the methodology of extracting sex from the dynamic. Think about the bar scenario. For yourself, is the only difference between meeting this girl at the bar, versus one of your buddies, sex? Is that all? What do you want? Being clear about that, and communicating it, is likely to give you the most compatible result. If all you want is to get your noodle wet, own that. Perfectly healthy. Be clear about it. So, since you had a 'good result', where is the next date going to happen?
marsle85 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Let me tell you like this: I'm pretty reserved when it comes to physical contact initially in a relationship. A guy I was really into got the ball rolling. How? Our first kiss was shared in the middle of the street when he grabbed me. Go. with. that. approach. It's a mix of everything great. You're spontaneous, interested, romantic and sexy! From there, he continued the process and kept kissing me all night. I loved every minute of it, and he could tell by the way I kissed him back. You initiate contact. Unfortunately, women are put in waiting position for the entire "seeing" process, so she might be thinking you've lost interest, etc. It's your job. You may not like it, but it is. Embrace it. Do NOT contact super early- because like the guy I was into (who I'm not sure had the best intentions anyway) would wait days to reach me... and I was thinking about him all the time. Contact her late enough to make her go "hmm..."but early enough that she doesn't doubt your intentions, like I did. (Rightfully so).
Author AbAeterno Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Let me tell you like this: I'm pretty reserved when it comes to physical contact initially in a relationship. A guy I was really into got the ball rolling. How? Our first kiss was shared in the middle of the street when he grabbed me. Go. with. that. approach. It's a mix of everything great. You're spontaneous, interested, romantic and sexy! From there, he continued the process and kept kissing me all night. I loved every minute of it, and he could tell by the way I kissed him back. You initiate contact. Unfortunately, women are put in waiting position for the entire "seeing" process, so she might be thinking you've lost interest, etc. It's your job. You may not like it, but it is. Embrace it. Do NOT contact super early- because like the guy I was into (who I'm not sure had the best intentions anyway) would wait days to reach me... and I was thinking about him all the time. Contact her late enough to make her go "hmm..."but early enough that she doesn't doubt your intentions, like I did. (Rightfully so). I generally hate the "wait a few days" approach because if feels like a game to me, but unfortunately I think it's a social truth I have to just accept. If it works, it works, you know? I've always been pretty bad with being spontaneous, even though I'd love to. I just don't want to move in for a kiss and get rebuffed. That'd kick the **** out of my confidence, honestly, especially after two dates, haha.
carhill Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 OP, you have options. The nice lady at the bar is one of them. You ask her out when *you* want to. You kiss her when *you* want to. If this is not acceptable to her, she will let you know. If it isn't acceptable, you and she aren't compatible in those ways. You move on to the next option. It's called dating because you're getting to know a person with the intent of romance. You have your own unique romantic and interpersonal style. So does she. Don't 'bend' too much. Not healthy. Communicate. So, tell me, this lady at the bar, what activities does she enjoy? Any of them match up with interests of your own? Next date opportunity. What's *your* style?
Author AbAeterno Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 OP, you have options. The nice lady at the bar is one of them. You ask her out when *you* want to. You kiss her when *you* want to. If this is not acceptable to her, she will let you know. If it isn't acceptable, you and she aren't compatible in those ways. You move on to the next option. It's called dating because you're getting to know a person with the intent of romance. You have your own unique romantic and interpersonal style. So does she. Don't 'bend' too much. Not healthy. Communicate. So, tell me, this lady at the bar, what activities does she enjoy? Any of them match up with interests of your own? Next date opportunity. What's *your* style? This girl and I actually share interests insofar as that we're both fairly simple. We enjoy just going out and visiting restaurants, walking, etc. I have random side hobbies that she may not share, but that is not so much a big deal to me. I'm not looking for someone to share my passion for what would be considered to be fairly nerdy hobbies. I have friends for that. But we both enjoy a lot of the same entertainment/decent overlap in musical tastes since we're both very eclectic/we're both shy/we're both young professionals with dual degrees/we both share very similar views to how we live our lives (even though we may have different mindsets). We both also know what it's like to handle our own finances from an early age, etc.
marsle85 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 OP, you have options. The nice lady at the bar is one of them. You ask her out when *you* want to. You kiss her when *you* want to. If this is not acceptable to her, she will let you know. If it isn't acceptable, you and she aren't compatible in those ways. You move on to the next option. It's called dating because you're getting to know a person with the intent of romance. You have your own unique romantic and interpersonal style. So does she. Don't 'bend' too much. Not healthy. Communicate. So, tell me, this lady at the bar, what activities does she enjoy? Any of them match up with interests of your own? Next date opportunity. What's *your* style? Carhill, you provide some of the most enjoyable posts for me to read. You're considerate, interested and kind. Way to go!
OndaChin Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Here's the straight answer... A Girl will think: "Oh, he might expect me to put out! Oh my, does he think I'm an easy hoe? How dare him expect such things from little ol' me" A Woman will think: "How about we skip the BAR and just go back to your place and drink/ fool around! Did I ever tell you how hot you look?"
carhill Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 OP, is it too early (weather-wise) for a picnic at a nice park? Walk, enjoy nature, people-watch, have some snacks and beverage, and maybe share a kiss or two. Would she be up for that? You said simple and walks... quiet time together is a nice balance to high-energy fun and helps to build intimacy. If *you* want to do this, or something else, call her (no texting; I slap you) and ask her on *your* timeline. If she's compatible, the process will be fluid.
Author AbAeterno Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 The thing is, she lives about an hour away by train in another borough -- it took her about that long to get up to where I live for dinner last night. I don't want to keep burdening her with travel time. I'd have to find something closer to where she lives, perhaps? Either way, I am not sure what the rules of engagement are at this point, haha. We spoke for a week on eHarmony, then I invited her to meet last Wednesday (we had lunch). She quickly responded to me afterward (within the hour after we got back to our places of employment) and we exchanged a few mails. Later on that day I set up something for Saturday night (drinks/dinner), and she confirmed on Friday. So, last night went well. Now it's Sunday, and neither of us have spoken to the other quite yet. 1. Is the fact that she hasn't responded yet like last time indicative of anything at all? 2. Is she expecting me to send something? 3. What would you do here? I have relationship experience -- not dating experience. XD This stuff is new to me.
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