Friend or Girlfriend?

[EasyHeart]

About six months ago, I met a woman. I was not interested in dating right then and it seemed obvious to me that she was not ready for a serious relationship, but she was pretty and nice and we went out a few times.

 

I didn't see or hear much from her during the holidays, but in January, she called and asked me to a movie. Since then, we have gotten to know each other slowly and became really good friends, especially during the past two months. I'm surprised at how close we've become. She calls me 2-3 times per week and we text/email most every day. She usually initiates the calls and often our get-togethers. The whole time I've known her, she has always been the aggressor. That seemed weird at first, because I usually do the pursuing, but I confess that I really started to enjoy it and let her chase me.

 

I thought we were getting to know each other as "friends first" before we started to really "date". We're both very busy with work and have a hard time getting together. But she always said things that made me think that she wants to be romantic. Like about a month ago, she told me that I was one of her 2 or 3 most important people in her life and she asked me if I would always be part of her life. I said, "Don't worry, I'm here for the long haul".

 

We flirt constantly, she talks all the time about how she 'loves' me and 'loves where our relationship is right now', and about 2-3 weeks ago, she (semi-jokingly) said we should have sex with each other. And about 10 days ago, she said she was watching "When Harry Met Sally" and realized that the two of us are just like Harry and Sally. For Valentine's Day, I left her a romantic gift and she texted "Have I told you that I love you?" There are lots of other examples.

 

She joined eHarmony in December or January, and she's told me about some of the guys she met through it. I noticed that she always compared them (good or bad) to me. Like, "He's not easy to talk to, like you are", "He doesn't have nice hair, like you do" or "He's kind of wimpy, unlike you." Several times I teased her about "What if I signed up and it didn't match us?" She would get upset and say things like "Don't say that! That's not true! You don't really think that, do you?" So I figured she must think we're compatible.

 

Well, last Friday she told me that she gotten together with a guy she met on eHarmony on St. Patrick's Day. She said he was fun to hang out with, but there was no physical chemistry and "nothing would ever happen between the sheets", although she said that she kissed him. She even said that she noticed his arms were really skinny, unlike mine, and she teased that she always secretly felt my arms whenever we hugged.

 

Saturday, I called her and wanted to get together. I was having a miserable day, and I was frustrated because I hadn't seen her in a long time. She's been super-busy at work and has a little boy, so she had cancelled a lot of our plans, but I was trying to be understanding about it. And the Saturday before, she had asked me to dinner, but I had already made plans.

 

Anyways, she said she was going out with this guy again. For some reason, I just lost it and said "Why would you want to see him instead of me? If you want to date him, fine, but I can't be friends with you if you keep blowing me off". She said, "Wait! Do you 'like' me?" I said, "Of course I do! What do you think we've been doing the past couple months? We're falling in love."

 

She said that she 'loved' me as a friend. She told me that when we met last Fall, she wanted me really badly and I could have had her in a second, but since I didn't push things to the next level, she assumed I wanted to be "just friends" and that she "moved on". She also said that I was scaring her (I was mad, but not really yelling) and couldn't talk to me anymore. I asked if she would call me and she said "Not tomorrow. And not Monday, either."

 

She called on Thursday morning to "check in" and "see how I was doing". She said I had really scared her and every time she heard a sound at night, she thought I was trying to break into her house! (I have no idea where any of that kind of stuff is coming from). She said she wakes up in the morning thinking "I miss my [my name]!". But she also said she 'liked' the guy she had met and she wanted to 'see where things went' with him. Then she said we have to "step back" because she is confused and she doesn't know how to behave around me. She told me not to call her or contact her, but she would call me.

 

What do I do now? I have no regrets about not pushing things last Fall -- there's no way it would have worked out. I know I blew it, but I honestly thought she and I were being "Friends First", not "Just Friends". She admits that we have a great personal connection and that we have very strong physical chemistry, so frankly I don't see what more she could possible want from a guy.

 

Do I try to salvage the friendship? Is there any chance that we'll ever date? Is there any chance that she'll ever get back to how she felt last Fall? Can a woman move back to romantic attraction after she's 'moved on'? (I know guys definitely can).

 

And what the hell does "step back" mean, anyways?

[CollectiveVelvet]

It sounds like your friend is a game player; Yes, no, yes, no. She likes to draw you along and flirt and then pull away. You may have had a chance when you first met but you have been firmly 'friend zoned'. She has asked you to not contact her and I would suggest if she contacts you that you do not take her calls.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like there was a point when she was very keen on you and would have wanted you to be her boyfriend if you'd been interested, but you weren't at that time. Then time passed, other people came along, and you suddenly realised she meant a lot to you. When she signed up to see others and actually met someone, I guess it brought it home to you.

 

So now, all of a sudden, you are jealous of her and want her. You've let her do all the running for so long, while teasing her with little romantic gifts when you freely admit you saw her only as a friend at that time. You've said you enjoyed, even got used to, being chased. There's nothing wrong with enjoying her interest in you, but now you are suddenly turning the tables and treating her as if she's betraying you. She's bound to be confused! She probably gave up on you as a potential boyfriend due to your apparent lack of interest, moved on, met someone else, and now you appear and throw a tantrum. No wonder she doesn't know what to make of it. I don't think you really know what's happened either as I doubt you thought you would fall in love with her.

 

You've got to back off and stop shouting for a start off. Scaring her is definitely not cool and acceptable. Calm down. Apologise and tell her your own feelings took you by surprise and that you hadn't realised how involved you felt with her. Tell her you want her and have done for a while, even if you hadn't admitted it to yourself. Then tell her you understand she's seeing someone and that must run its course now. Tell her you'll wait if she changes her mind and does think it's worth a try with you. Then leave her to it. Be a friend to her, if you can, but don't pressure her at all. Hopefully, she, too, will realise you both mean a lot to each other. This other relationship may fizzle out, but prepare yourself for the fact that you may have missed the boat here. You can't really expect her to sit around waiting for you to notice her for ever - and she didn't.

[EasyHeart]

Thanks. I think you're right -- this did sneak up on me, and I think I'm as surprised at my reaction as she is. (Although in my defense, I was definitely starting to feel romantic by Valentine's Day; that wasn't a tease and it was only a few weeks ago). I wish this had been some kind plot for me to get close to her, because then I could have planned things out and handled them differently.

 

But telling her that I'll wait for her seems kind of wimpy and desperate, doesn't it? I don't want to end up the emotional boyfriend who gives her love and support, while some other guy is taking her out and sleeping with her.