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Posted

Firstly can I say that it is so encouraging to hear about other people having similar problems. I thought what happened to me was really odd and didn't make any sense, but it puts my mind at rest a bit to know I'm not alone.

 

So here's what happened. We'd been going out for 3 and a bit years - my first serious relationship and her first too. Everything was going brilliantly a couple of months ago, we were talking about moving in together etc. In fact she had always tried to push our relationship further (meeting parents etc.) and was now actively trying to convince me to move in - I wasn't so sure I was ready for that. Up until then, I'm pretty sure we'd had a completely trusting and faithful relationship. She was pretty dependent on me in many ways and used to spend most nights at mine. I spent all my money on her, and was as devoted, loyal and supportive of her many "issues" as any boyfriend could be. We were best friends.

 

Then a couple of months ago she started to get really worried about her future (she is finishing uni in a couple of months) and kept saying she was too dependent on me and had lost her "old self", etc. Then a month ago she said she wanted a break. She wanted to spend time with her friends and going out and doing things independently. Stupidly, probably, I thought this was innocent enough and agreed to it. We had over a month of barely speaking to each other. Then one day I get a text "We need to talk about where the break's going"; I'm not stupid, I can see a break-up is coming. So 2 days ago we met up to discuss, and she said "I love you you're perfect" but she needs to "find herself" and become independent to cope with her uncertain future. So I tried to be understanding and said okay. She said we should still be friends, but I said I couldn't do that, it would hurt too much, and I couldn't stay in touch with her. She seemed weirdly distant the whole time and seemed totally unsympathetic to my feelings (unlike her), so I was sure something else was going on.

 

Then that night I started to get confused about how she could throw away everything we had (I thought three years was a lot, but reading the posts here it seems like other people have had it much worse than me). I started to get angry, so I phoned her and asked how she could do this to me. I was a bit rude to her and she basically hung up on me (not surprisingly). Couldn't sleep that night and contacted a few close friends to talk about it all. Yesterday I felt a bit better and thought maybe i could cope with being friends - I rang her and apologised for being rude the night before, then wrote her a letter explaining how I felt, and how I was trying to understand her POV. Fortunately I didn't post the letter at the time. Then last night I recorded her a song and emailed it to her - soon after I decided this was a bad idea so I signed into her hotmail and deleted the email I'd sent. Then I did something *really* stupid - I saw a suspicious email and clicked on it; of course, she had started seeing someone else.

 

After screaming and destroying various things in my room (including the letter I'd written to her), I sent her a text saying I'd found out. Then in a blind rage I sent her a really offensive facebook message. I mean really, horribly worst-words-in-the-language offensive. After I'd cooled down a bit I sent her a long email explaining how terrible I felt (a bit like the letter I'd written but much more aggressive) and asking if he was better in bed than me, and telling her that I was too good for her and that it was her loss (I always thought I was a pretty damn good bf, though that sounds a little arrogant). I also said how mean it was of her trying to make me feel sorry for her situation in the break-up - her worries about the future etc. - when in fact she was off having fun. Anyway it wasn't a nice email and I didn't get a reply. I haven't slept all night since then. This morning I found she'd blocked me on facebook (can't blame her, after the things I said), and still had no email reply or texts or anything. So what do I do now (apart from try and get some sleep - haven't done for 2 nights!)?

 

I'm guessing you're all going to say No Contact - NC, which I'm starting to think is the best thing. I feel I need some sort of closure though, since I haven't heard from her since I found out - an apology from her, or an explanation or something. I don't want to leave it at just having found out by reading a private email. But if I'm doing NC I figure I can't go chasing her up for an answer. What to do?

 

Finally, speaking for everyone else in a similar position, isn't there something that can be done to stop b*******s like these people hurting us? I'm not keen on doing things to hurt them back though.

 

Sorry it's so long. Thanks for reading. All advice appreciated, especially from people with experience of this sort of thing!

Posted

You have no idea how familiar certain bits of your story sound to me. All I can say is sometimes people lose their minds; that's the only way I can put it. I'm sure you were great to her and for her, but for some reason (big life changes ahead like finishing uni are my guess), she snapped and decided she needed out. The other guy is there to make it feel like she's not alone, that she's having a great time and made an amazing decision.

 

Unfortunately, there isn't much I can say to you right now except I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, and I know every different feeling you have right now and how bad each and every one of them is.

 

The only positive thing I have to say is you will get better, right now that probably doesn't seem like a great thought but you'll be surprised by how good you feel every time you realise you're in a better place than you were a week ago.

 

Reading threads on here and getting involved will help so much, and if it ever sounds like it gets a bit repetitive, it's because it's true. NC will help you so much, so will working out, seeing friends, and doing anything that might lift you even temporarily.

 

 

When the pain and hurt hits you, let it. Get all of that out, it's cathartic, exhausting, and will make it easier to heal when you're ready.

 

When the jealousy, and the horrific images get too much; fight it. I know it sounds impossible, and you can't make it completely go away, but you can make it slightly more bearable. Just think ‘I’m torturing myself here, and I don’t have to do it’, you can’t change the facts, but you can decide whether to let them upset you or not (to a point).

 

 

Find CaliGuys guide to second chances (everyones got it in their signature somewhere) and read it. Even if you don't want a second chance it's good advice, and if you do it will help get you to a place where whether it happens or not; you'll be alright.

 

 

In terms of apologies, epiphanies, explanations from her: forget about it, for now. The best way I had it described to me is that she simply isn't the person you remember right now. She doesn't care about your feelings the way the girl you remember did, and for her mental wellbeing, she needs to feel like she isn't doing anything wrong, and that she has not suddenly become a truly awful person. I know you disagree with this, and I'm inclined to agree with you, but she won't realise it yet, and the last person she will listen to is you. Even if she did explain herself 1) it wouldn't make any sense to you (I promise you this) and 2) it wouldn't stop you thinking these things, and you'd have to start NC all over again.

 

 

I can't tell you how sorry I am that this happened. But you're not alone. Practically everyone on here knows intimately what you're going through and will help you with anything. You're story gives me serious deja vu (it's been 3 and a half months now, but for the first month I didn't know the truth, so still half believed and got confused by the load of crap reasons you were also initially given) so anything you want to talk about just let me know.

 

 

I'd say good luck, but you don't need it; I promise you it gets better.

  • Author
Posted

oh yeah i forgot to mention, i emailed her this morning apologising for the rude messages and for invading her privacy by reading her emails.

Posted

yeah thats ok.

 

listen man as a dude that went through pretty much the same thing 6 months ago...(search my EPIC threads in around oct/nov)...go NC and never talk to her again.

 

its going to hurt for awhile

  • Author
Posted

Thanks thepulse27. That does help a lot. It's a cliche (I guess, because it's true), but it really does help knowing other people have been through this too! Your explanation of her behaviour does make sense and certainly helps me straighten it out in my mind a bit. I couldn't figure out for the life of me why she would want another guy, and what he could give her that I couldn't (sorry, sounds arrogant again!). But what you say about it helping her with her decision makes sense.

 

I think you're also completely right about her not being the same person any more; I was thinking exactly the same thing earlier. She wasn't the girl i knew and loved when she came over to break up 2 days ago, and she hasn't been the same girl ever since. It's really weird.

 

I'm also glad you pointed out that it's not good trying to make her feel bad about it, because that's basically what i've been trying to do. Obviously I've stopped doing that now anyway with NC.

 

I haven't been holding back on the pain or hurt - I definitely feel better after every time I have a burst of emotion. Still the jealousy is the worst thing - like I said, it was our first "intimate" relationship for both of us, which made it special. And the thought of someone else taking that away is unbearable.

 

I've had amazing support from my friends though. It's funny how people come out of the woodwork to be there for you. Sometimes people you haven't seen in ages.

 

Thanks McGrupp as well. NC is going to be hard, I miss talking to her like crazy. Every time I see something interesting or something funny happens during the day, my reflex thought is that I want to text her or call her to tell her about it. But I know I've got to do NC and I know I can manage it...

 

I have one question still - did I screw everything up by reading her private email? I mean, I was suspicious, and rightly so, and I feel I deserve to know the truth about the break-up, after everything I've done for her. But clearly there's no excuse for invading someone's privacy. One of my friends said she'll think I'm a complete bastard now and feel she made the right decision in breaking up with me, which seems a little harsh. Do you think she hates me for it? Clearly it made things worse, but how much? And would it have been better to wait for months holding onto a naive illusion, not knowing what was really going on, until she eventually told me the truth and broke my heart all over again?

 

Oh. One more thing. Probably a completely stupid question, like how long is a piece of string, but how long is this going to hurt for? I've never been dumped before.

Posted

The invasion of privacy is bad. It's terribly disrespectful, and the end does not justify the means.

 

But it's over, it happened, time to move on. The only thing you can do is to put her behind you and out of your life. She cheated on you, basically. You know that now and there's NO reason to want that in your life.

 

You'll miss her for a while. You might miss her for a long time. The hurt will fade. There's no way to tell how long you'll feel what you feel. You just have to experience this for yourself.

 

Pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings. Learn something from the experience.

Posted

Sounds like you've got all the right ideas mate. The jealousy is a really tough one, just do anything to keep it at bay, and like everything else it gradually goes away.

 

I think this one comes down to personal opinion. No, I don't think you screwed anything up. Snooping around someones emails is not a great way to behave, and something you need to stop doing RIGHT now. But it seems she wasn't going to tell you, and to me that's an appauling way to treat someone you've been through all that with. If you hadn't found out you'd still be wondering, and probably still be in contact with her, which would hold you back so much and destroy any respect you or her had for you. Yes she will think you are a bastard for doing this, and will think she made the right desicion. But she already thought that, so you've lost nothing. And down the line when this isn't so fresh and horrible for both of you she'll probably realise why you did it and not care too much (and if she doesn't, you're better off out of that one mate).

I found out the truth in a very similar way. I don't regret it at all, it's what gave me closure and gave me what I needed to stop talking to her.

 

How long? God knows. I'm nearly four months in, it doesn't really hurt anymore, but I'm not over her, I think about her all the time. But fairly often I don't think of it like that anymore (I've just realised this and I'm very happy with myself!). You stop thinking of how long it has been and how long it will be, and start thinking 'where am I with my life, and all the things I want to do?'

The worst that can come out of this is you'll get to do all the things you couldn't cos of the relationship, and you'll learn a great deal about yourself, others and how we relate to each other along the way.

 

It's just a (very) long, (very) painful process to get there.

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Posted (edited)

Man, I am learning a lot today! These forums are so useful. I actually feel like I have some idea what to do with myself, or at least have some sort of plan: a plan that's clearly been tried and tested by so many people who've shared their experiences here. I was utterly lost, confused and scared only a few hours ago.

 

The privacy thing - I know, it was totally wrong, and it's not like me normally. I've never done it to anyone else and never would. I was just so mad and confused. I think it was made worse by the fact that we would always have access to each other's emails and flick through each other's texts when we were together - it was a good way of sharing and finding out about the other person, and also it meant there were no secrets! I guess I was kind of operating still in that mode when I signed into her account - it didn't occur to me that it was wrong now that we were broken up.

 

Still I'm glad I found out. If I hadn't, then, as you say, I would've been trying to stay friends with her or something. I remember thinking last night when I was trying to get to sleep that I was almost happier knowing that she was with someone else than not understanding what was going on at all - because I was no longer worrying about whether she'd come back to me or whether I should stay in touch with her. It was so final that I knew it had to be over. Period.

 

A couple of other questions - do I need to tell her that we're on NC? Should I just send her a message saying that I need to not speak to her for a while? Or can I just get started from right now? I'm worried she'll be confused about why I stopped talking to her. But then, I suppose I could just wait for her to make the first move and ask me what's going on?

 

And - when she asked for a break a month ago, do you think that was really the start of the breakup? It didn't feel like it at the time, but I was probably just naive. If it was the start of the breakup, did she know that it going to end with a breakup? Did she have it all planned? Or is it just the weird and wonderful way that relationships unfold? Maybe I shouldn't even be dwelling on it, it's in the past...

 

Thanks again everyone. I'm so glad I googled "my girlfriend dumped me" and found this site!

Edited by jmaclean
Posted

LOL we all Googled our way to LS. Welcome! There's a lot of great people on here.

 

You don't need to tell her anything. You owe her nothing. Now, you'll WANT to tell her, because that is good communication, and it's what we strive for in our relationships. BUT, you're not in a relationship anymore. She ended it, remember?

 

If it becomes an issue, a short message will suffice. "I respect your decision to end our relationship. As a result, I need to discontinue contact with you so as to make myself emotionally available to someone who may meet my needs. Best of luck to you, me"

 

That says EVERYTHING she needs to know. And it works whether you never want to talk to her again, OR if you want her back. It's your job to ignore all attempts to draw you back in. Give yourself ample time to get over her, and THEN you can decide what it is you want from her if she is to contact you.

 

Good luck!

Posted

I think again that's up to you, and how you feel you left it. You haven't agreed to meet or talk anymore so you don't owe her an explanation of why that's not going to happen. I would just leave it. If she contacts you and it's important you can deal with that as it comes up, all of the mindless 'how are you, haven't heard from you' crap, you can ignore. If she starts contacting you all the time I would tell her point blank what is going on. A lot of people say just keep ignoring, but I find NC much easier if you're not being temped every other day.

 

If you do decide to tell her, keep it short. Any emotional stuff you let out to her will just upset you straight afterwards.

 

If she contacts you and you have any questions, get back on here and ask us rather than her. It's always best to take a step back and think before we do anything when we're this emotionally involved in someone.

 

 

As a personal tip, get some sleep! I know right now that may be impossible, so don't beat yourself up, but when it does happen take full advantage. About a month in I realised just how much better I felt about the world when I wasn't utterly exhausted. Just keep an eye out for it, cos carrying as much emotion as you are around with you really takes it out of you physically.

Posted
I feel I need some sort of closure though

 

closure is just another word for trying to have an upper hand of some sort. you make your own closure. your not going to get an upper hand.

 

its a wrap. shes not coming back and if she did, why would you want her.

 

move on...just man up and move on.

 

she's one girl. you'll be alright.

Posted

Hi jmaclean, if it helps at all this post (specifically the original posters comments) described the identical situation I found myself in and likely you as well:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t223756/

 

the short version is that "the grass seemed greener", it wasnt better, it was just different for her. And eventually Unsaved does say that she wishes it might have been different. But she is unrepentant on how she handled it. And I took it out on her to a certain extent and I really should have directed it at my exGF. But it does help to explain it. We are all sometimes selfish in love and unfortunately we got burned.

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Posted

I've spent most of today reading all sorts of break up stories on this site and I think McGrupp you're right - thinking about it, i don't even know what i meant by closure when i wrote it back there. I suppose I want to know the whole truth, but reading what other people have experienced, it sounds as if finding out the truth isn't going to make things any better. In fact it probably makes things worse. Some things are better left unsaid. I have de-friended her on facebook so won't be keeping track of what she's up to, or trying to find out what's really going on with her. I do want her back, but then I think that it would never be the same if we did get back together - the beauty of what we had would be tarnished by this horrible experience. I'd never look at her the same way again, I don't think I could ever trust her again. So I want her back, but I also don't want her back. Confusing.

 

Thanks for that jerrytodd - I read something similar on another thread earlier today and it made me very sad, just as you said you felt sad on reading Unsaved's thread. I've been telling myself that this wasn't the case for us - the sex definitely didn't dwindle, and I honestly think the last few weeks of the relationship were the best we'd had. Maybe I'm in denial though, and she was really losing interest. I suppose there has to be explanation for the suddenness and abruptness of the whole thing. It really, really didn't seem that way though. As I say, she was trying to convince me to move in with her. Who knows though? I guess I'll never know, and one day hopefully I won't care, if i can stick with NC. In which case it won't matter. Is it the right thing to do to not even think about it? To pretend that it doesn't matter whether her feelings for me diminished?

 

Am going to spend the Easter break meeting up with some old friends who I know I will have a good time with. I'm trying to fill my time and punctuate the days with things I can look forward to. I figure if I have stuff to focus on I won't be staring at my phone thinking "maybe...". But I'm still on day 1 of NC and very new to this - it's probably going to be harder than I'm reckoning?!

 

Oh and I went for a jog this evening! First exercise in years. My legs ache like hell, but it did feel good; it made me smile, and made me feel like I was doing something - doing something for myself.

 

I can't say thanks enough for all the support I've got here. It's been a really steep learning curve for me and has helped me make sense of a lot of the issues that were confusing and upsetting me. I don't have the answers to the questions I keep asking myself - only she has those answers - but understanding what those answers might be, good or bad, is surely a step towards forgetting about them.

  • Author
Posted

More jogging this morning. Definitely helping.

 

So a friend of mine told me that he got back together with his ex by doing NC for a couple of weeks, then posting her a short note saying that he'd thought about things and he agreed the break up was a good idea. After another couple of weeks of NC, she came back to him.

 

Does this sound sensible to anyone? Clearly it's breaking NC, which doesn't seem right. Also it sounds a bit too much like mind games. And she'll probably see through it. I mean she's not stupid.

 

What do you guys think?

Posted (edited)
More jogging this morning. Definitely helping.

 

So a friend of mine told me that he got back together with his ex by doing NC for a couple of weeks, then posting her a short note saying that he'd thought about things and he agreed the break up was a good idea. After another couple of weeks of NC, she came back to him.

 

Does this sound sensible to anyone? Clearly it's breaking NC, which doesn't seem right. Also it sounds a bit too much like mind games. And she'll probably see through it. I mean she's not stupid.

 

What do you guys think?

 

It only puts you back a couple of weeks, why not. Maybe you find some points about her that she is sensitive about. And I'm not joking. It makes her realize she isnt perfect.

 

I'm not wanting mine back so NC is better for me. And I just finished 5K running myself. I wish she wasnt the thing I thought of for 4 of them.

Edited by jerrytodd
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Aaah I can't decide whether I want her back or not! brain says no, heart says yes. If I am thinking about her coming back to me, I could be getting my hopes up just to be hurt again. And if I do get her back will it be as great as it was before? I read somewhere that reuniting a relationship is really like starting a new altogether, not picking up where you left off.

 

I have been making a list of the things I wasn't happy with about her/our relationship. I've got 55 so far! Some of them are pretty petty - everything from physical appearances to "used up all my stationery" but hey. If I did send her a note I could definitely use some of those reasons. And it might be the closest thing I get to closure with her. But again, am I just getting my hopes up for a while just to feel terrible again?

 

Day 2 of NC. Had occasional urges to tell her things about how I'm feeling, how she's behaved, etc. but coping with NC fine so far. I am still massively p***ed off with her though which helps!

 

My mood seems to go in waves. This morning I woke up feeling okay. Happy, even. then every so often something hits me out of the blue, like an image of her in bed with someone else, or remembering something really special I did for her, or just remmebering the horrible way the break up happened, and then suddenly I'm in despair again. I think this is going to be the hardest thing to cope with and get over - it's like being hurt again and again and again, suddenly and at random throughout the day.

 

I remembered today that about two weeks into our break she said that she hadn't been watching one of our favourite TV programmes because she wanted to catch up the episodes together one day. That made me a feel a little bit better, thinking that she had some hope for us even then.

 

I also remembered something she said to me when she broke up with me - "If we stayed together now we'd probably stay together for ever." What's the point of that? Why would you say that when you're breaking up with someone? Don't understand. Mind you, she was lying about all her other reasons at that point.

Edited by jmaclean
Posted
Aaah I can't decide whether I want her back or not! brain says no, heart says yes. If I am thinking about her coming back to me, I could be getting my hopes up just to be hurt again. And if I do get her back will it be as great as it was before? I read somewhere that reuniting a relationship is really like starting a new altogether, not picking up where you left off.

 

I have been making a list of the things I wasn't happy with about her/our relationship. I've got 55 so far! Some of them are pretty petty - everything from physical appearances to "used up all my stationery" but hey. If I did send her a note I could definitely use some of those reasons. And it might be the closest thing I get to closure with her. But again, am I just getting my hopes up for a while just to feel terrible again?

 

Day 2 of NC. Had occasional urges to tell her things about how I'm feeling, how she's behaved, etc. but coping with NC fine so far. I am still massively p***ed off with her though which helps!

 

My mood seems to go in waves. This morning I woke up feeling okay. Happy, even. then every so often something hits me out of the blue, like an image of her in bed with someone else, or remembering something really special I did for her, or just remmebering the horrible way the break up happened, and then suddenly I'm in despair again. I think this is going to be the hardest thing to cope with and get over - it's like being hurt again and again and again, suddenly and at random throughout the day.

 

I remembered today that about two weeks into our break she said that she hadn't been watching one of our favourite TV programmes because she wanted to catch up the episodes together one day. That made me a feel a little bit better, thinking that she had some hope for us even then.

 

I also remembered something she said to me when she broke up with me - "If we stayed together now we'd probably stay together for ever." What's the point of that? Why would you say that when you're breaking up with someone? Don't understand. Mind you, she was lying about all her other reasons at that point.

 

Sorry when I said go for it I didnt remember that she had cheated on you. In that case no, dont go back. Sorry for the bad advice.

 

What I did and I posted elsewhere was to put a list together just like you did. She was fun, sexy, sexual, beautiful and smart. But also:

 

no trust

no spirit

lacks empathy/kindness

little personal appreciation of me

poor communication

no friends

no self respect

not willing to try stuff

angry

dumb tv and other media

games playing

floppy t*ts

 

And the good stuff all got outweighed by the trust issue. I wrote myself a note that I would suffer for three months now or for a lifetime of checking her emails and worrying every time she is out of my sight. And that would be punishing. It really helped me. I have looked at that list and the note to myself 100 times in the past two months, editing it and being very honest about it.

Posted
Aaah I can't decide whether I want her back or not! brain says no, heart says yes.

 

mate you're gonna swing between those two for a long time! Don't worry about it, it's all part of the experience, and you're gonna learna lot from this.

 

You need to let go - it's the most important part of the process.

Unfortunately it's impossible!

Or it is to do it instantaneously anyway. So instead of trying to let go this second, think of yourself as being in the process of letting go. That will tie in with all the other goals and efforts at self improvement you have set yourself, and means that whatever speed you move at, you will always be moving in the right direction. This for me is the main reason for NC, I think letting go would be impossible without it.

 

Don't send anything to her. Anything nice will seem like you're still begging and pleading, and anything negative will just sound bitter. You're not going to talk to her until 1) You have made enough progress to not fall to pieces the second she says something you don't like (easy to misjudge this one) and 2) She has sorted a few things in her head out and might actually be receptive to anything you say. So basically don't contact her until she contacts you, you can look at what she says to gauge number 2) and only you can decide on number 1).

 

You may find that you never want to talk to her again. Many people do. But I think every situation is different so you can decidethat in a few months time.

 

Keep doing what you're doing!

  • Author
Posted

And I just finished 5K running myself. I wish she wasnt the thing I thought of for 4 of them.

 

Same here. But if my feelings towards her can spur me on to do things to improve myself then it's almost worth it. I never did any exercise before, I didn't see the point, and I didn't even think I was capable of doing a 30 minute jog a few days ago. Learning that I have within me the determination and sheer physical ability to do things that I never thought I could do before has been an amazing revelation (even if that determination does stem from anger/sadness). They say you get superhuman strength when you see someone else's life in danger - maybe something similar happens to us here.

 

She was fun, sexy, sexual, beautiful and smart. But also:

 

no trust

no spirit

lacks empathy/kindness

little personal appreciation of me

poor communication

no friends

no self respect

not willing to try stuff

angry

dumb tv and other media

games playing

floppy t*ts

 

And the good stuff all got outweighed by the trust issue. I wrote myself a note that I would suffer for three months now or for a lifetime of checking her emails and worrying every time she is out of my sight. And that would be punishing. It really helped me. I have looked at that list and the note to myself 100 times in the past two months, editing it and being very honest about it.

 

jerry, did we go out with the same girl?! highlights from my list include:

 

deceitful

small t*ts

too obsessed with TV/films

embarrassed about doing anything

makes going out anywhere an ordeal

no prospects

no hobbies

ungrateful/inconsiderate

reluctant to try new things in bed

and of course, constantly used up all my stationery (which seems petty, but really reflects her total lack of consideration and respect for my stuff, as well as lack of gratitude for all the money I spent on her)

 

Don't send anything to her. Anything nice will seem like you're still begging and pleading, and anything negative will just sound bitter. You're not going to talk to her until 1) You have made enough progress to not fall to pieces the second she says something you don't like (easy to misjudge this one) and 2) She has sorted a few things in her head out and might actually be receptive to anything you say.

 

Yep. Understood. Guess I was glad to hear of any excuse to contact her. Your point (2) is the basic principle of NC that I've been going on, but point (1), now that you mention it, is a harsh but fair reality check on how NC is going. It's sort of an acid test - if I can't handle her saying she's not interested/wants someone else/"needs time"/etc etc then clearly I don't want to be hearing that and should be protecting myself from hearing that.

 

All of you guys make a lot of sense, and I'm pretty sure I would have made some major mistakes and hurt myself even more in some sort of downward spiral if it weren't for your help.

  • Author
Posted

This post is just a rant to vent something that just came back to me and made me feel crap.

 

So when she came over to break up with me a few days ago, after filling me with lies about why we had to break up, she said she'd lost her inhaler (we're both asthmatic). So I told her to take mine - my "lifeline". She let out a little "aww!" that I thought was gratitude, but I realise now was pure pity for me. I would have done anything for that girl a few days ago, and I can't believe she had the indecency to actually take my inhaler and leave with it. She should have turned down my offer, left me with some dignity. I'm having to get a new one today because I need it now! Talk about being a "taker" not a "giver". Maybe I was too much of a giver. Even then she didn't tell me the truth. I remember asking her if there was someone else and she said there wasn't. Lying selfish b***h. I don't deserve that.

 

Rant over. Feels better.

Posted

The phrase "I dont deserve this" echoes through this forum. Selfishness is an amazing thing. We should get called on it as children early and often. I think it contributes to a lot of unhappiness in life for both the selfish person and the ones they take from.

Posted
You have no idea how familiar certain bits of your story sound to me. All I can say is sometimes people lose their minds; that's the only way I can put it. I'm sure you were great to her and for her, but for some reason (big life changes ahead like finishing uni are my guess), she snapped and decided she needed out. The other guy is there to make it feel like she's not alone, that she's having a great time and made an amazing decision.

 

Unfortunately, there isn't much I can say to you right now except I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, and I know every different feeling you have right now and how bad each and every one of them is.

 

The only positive thing I have to say is you will get better, right now that probably doesn't seem like a great thought but you'll be surprised by how good you feel every time you realise you're in a better place than you were a week ago.

 

Reading threads on here and getting involved will help so much, and if it ever sounds like it gets a bit repetitive, it's because it's true. NC will help you so much, so will working out, seeing friends, and doing anything that might lift you even temporarily.

 

 

When the pain and hurt hits you, let it. Get all of that out, it's cathartic, exhausting, and will make it easier to heal when you're ready.

 

When the jealousy, and the horrific images get too much; fight it. I know it sounds impossible, and you can't make it completely go away, but you can make it slightly more bearable. Just think ‘I’m torturing myself here, and I don’t have to do it’, you can’t change the facts, but you can decide whether to let them upset you or not (to a point).

 

 

Find CaliGuys guide to second chances (everyones got it in their signature somewhere) and read it. Even if you don't want a second chance it's good advice, and if you do it will help get you to a place where whether it happens or not; you'll be alright.

 

 

In terms of apologies, epiphanies, explanations from her: forget about it, for now. The best way I had it described to me is that she simply isn't the person you remember right now. She doesn't care about your feelings the way the girl you remember did, and for her mental wellbeing, she needs to feel like she isn't doing anything wrong, and that she has not suddenly become a truly awful person. I know you disagree with this, and I'm inclined to agree with you, but she won't realise it yet, and the last person she will listen to is you. Even if she did explain herself 1) it wouldn't make any sense to you (I promise you this) and 2) it wouldn't stop you thinking these things, and you'd have to start NC all over again.

 

 

I can't tell you how sorry I am that this happened. But you're not alone. Practically everyone on here knows intimately what you're going through and will help you with anything. You're story gives me serious deja vu (it's been 3 and a half months now, but for the first month I didn't know the truth, so still half believed and got confused by the load of crap reasons you were also initially given) so anything you want to talk about just let me know.

 

 

I'd say good luck, but you don't need it; I promise you it gets better.

thanks man, what you said really helps.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
thanks man, what you said really helps.

 

Definitely. thepulse27's reply really helped me.

 

SO I NEED HELP! Day 4 of NC and I'm seriously thinking about contacting her. She hasn't tried to call me or message me at all. I don't know why, but I want to send her a text saying something like "I just want you to know that I'm not angry at you any more and I think this was the right decision" or something - nothing pleading or bitter. We left things on such a sour, horrific note, and I want to change that. I just want a message from her saying "I'm sorry" or something to that effect, so that we end in a more fitting way.

 

Also I'mgoing out for a couple of beers with some friends tonight (which should be fun), but I can genuinely see myself drunk dialling/texting after a few drinks. I've changed her number on my phone to say "DON'T ANSWER/CALL" but I don't know if that will be enough to stop me!

 

Someone please tell me why this is a bad idea!!

 

PS I joined a gym!

Edited by jmaclean
Posted

I think you better hand over your phone so you dont drunk text that is the worse way to break NC period. I've had to hand over my phone to my friend for 24 hours to make sure I did not.

 

You just dont want to get no response or some crappy response that makes you feel worse when you are under the influence.

 

I did send a similiar text day 8 and got a good response but he has made no effort to contact me first. I was sober it was somewhat of me wanting to end on a good note. But it only made it easier to break NC again.

 

Bottom line I agree with the folks hear - If they miss you they will contact you. If they broke up with you you can't control how the person feels. NC really gets you clear headed and not be so needy. It's hard as I am tryign to stick to it. I have literally had to tell me - No response or a snippy response would make me feel worse than I do - so I dont want to text and take a chance.

 

Give that phone to your friends and enjoy hanging out with your friends.

Posted
Definitely. thepulse27's reply really helped me.

 

SO I NEED HELP! Day 4 of NC and I'm seriously thinking about contacting her. She hasn't tried to call me or message me at all. I don't know why, but I want to send her a text saying something like "I just want you to know that I'm not angry at you any more and I think this was the right decision" or something - nothing pleading or bitter. We left things on such a sour, horrific note, and I want to change that. I just want a message from her saying "I'm sorry" or something to that effect, so that we end in a more fitting way.

 

Also I'mgoing out for a couple of beers with some friends tonight (which should be fun), but I can genuinely see myself drunk dialling/texting after a few drinks. I've changed her number on my phone to say "DON'T ANSWER/CALL" but I don't know if that will be enough to stop me!

 

Someone please tell me why this is a bad idea!!

 

PS I joined a gym!

 

 

I'm glad I could help, people here did the same for me.

 

Well done for joining a gym! Everything about our situation puts us in a perfect place to improve ouselves physically and mentally. And excercise will do both.

 

Now, here's where you need to listen very cafefully and be very strong. Do NOT contact her. This is still so fresh in your mind, and you are nowhere near the point where you can have a calm and rational conversation with her. Giving the phone to your friend is a great idea, so is finding a way to not get wasted enough to lose control. I've found the nights when I get drunk to be the nights when the pain comes back worst, so I'm trying to be clean for the most part.

 

Don't send that message: I know in your mind it is strong and independant, and I've been there. But it's not.

 

Regarding the apology; this is going to be tough. We all want our ex to see what they did to us and say sorry, even if they don't come back to us. But you can't rush it. It may come, and if it does it will be when you're so used to NC you've almost forgotten that you wanted it. It may not come; in which case you know she isn't worth your time or emotion anymore, and that you made the right choice by staying away.

 

This is what I love about NC - if you look at it in the right way, you win either way!

 

You're doing well, I hope you managed to stay strong. Keep letting us know how it's going.

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