This Hurts Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 The break up was on Tuesday. It was abrupt to me and I didn't see it coming. Just that morning she texted me telling me she missed my smell and my voice, and a few days before that we made love and she cried from how real she felt and told me never to leave her. I was (am) so confused. I have never felt this way. Everything hurts. I have an unlimited amount of questions constantly racing through my head. It hurts to live; to breathe, to eat, to sleep, to be awake. EVERYTHING reminds me of her, it's ridiculous. Things that shouldn't even remind me of her, do. The water that comes out of the shower, my favorite band, my family, my clothes, absolutely everything. I can't eat, play guitar, listen to music, read, watch TV/movies. Things that are supposed to help me get my mind off of her, remind me of her. I can't stop thinking about her no matter how hard I try. I tried going to a party but I had to leave early cause I was too depressed. I have no idea what to do, I'm so lost and devastated. I wake up in the morning and a new wave of pain hits me. I tried thinking of things that would usually make me feel amazing like winning the lottery or traveling the world, and I'm not moved at all. I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know what to do. By the way, she has Bipolar Disorder. I'm positive this is a manic episode, something similar to this happened last year but she still spoke to me then and she eventually snapped out of it and apologized and dedicated herself completely to me. This time she won't speak to me. I know it's only been a few days—I may be freaking out—but this has never happened before and I'm not only afraid I'll lose her to this disorder again, but that I'll lose her permanently. I need guidance, please.
nobmagnet Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 :love: Hi, Firstly im sorry for you pain. You and your feelings you are experiencing are normal.....thats no help i know but take a little comfort in the knowlege that most people on here have been there/are there.(( Hugs)) Bi polar is an evil illness. My cousin suffers too and its awful to see and be on the reciving end when they get ill again. I dont want to teach my grannie to suck eggs here but they live in a parallel world. When they are well they can bump along okbut when it takes hold their world is not ours. You can neither reason with them or comfort them because even if what they feel is unfounded its real to them. I would try to be patient. Have you contacted her family? are they aware she is suffering just now? Is she getting any help? Also its very important you talk too. Family, freinds on here......dont be brave its important to talk and express your greif and distress. keep posting love nobby xx
Author This Hurts Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 :love: Hi, Firstly im sorry for you pain. You and your feelings you are experiencing are normal.....thats no help i know but take a little comfort in the knowlege that most people on here have been there/are there.(( Hugs)) Bi polar is an evil illness. My cousin suffers too and its awful to see and be on the reciving end when they get ill again. I dont want to teach my grannie to suck eggs here but they live in a parallel world. When they are well they can bump along okbut when it takes hold their world is not ours. You can neither reason with them or comfort them because even if what they feel is unfounded its real to them. I would try to be patient. Have you contacted her family? are they aware she is suffering just now? Is she getting any help? Also its very important you talk too. Family, freinds on here......dont be brave its important to talk and express your greif and distress. keep posting love nobby xx Her family is pretty careless, they wouldn't do much about it and she's trying to get help but the psychiatrists she's had don't help her much, I think she just sees the wrong ones... I'm the only one who really helps her with anything and I guess in return everything bad she does is towards me, since I'm the only one who shows her attention, love and affection. Last time her manic episode lasted 4 months, I don't want it to last long I miss her so bad. She's being so cold towards me and it's tearing me apart. I'll be patient. Thank you for being understanding, I'm afraid most people are just going to tell me to stop talking to her and move on.
nobmagnet Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Her family is pretty careless, they wouldn't do much about it and she's trying to get help but the psychiatrists she's had don't help her much, I think she just sees the wrong ones... I'm the only one who really helps her with anything and I guess in return everything bad she does is towards me, since I'm the only one who shows her attention, love and affection. Last time her manic episode lasted 4 months, I don't want it to last long I miss her so bad. She's being so cold towards me and it's tearing me apart. I'll be patient. Thank you for being understanding, I'm afraid most people are just going to tell me to stop talking to her and move on. Bless you darling but no they wont. You love her and she is ill. Just because they cant see her leg in plaster or her hair fallen out through chemo doest mean she isnt poorly. Its very hard for a carer of this illness because when they are manic they can shine too. Has she been intouch with a crisis team? could you? you know her better than anyone and they will listen to you. They should be supporting you both as a couple. big hugs Nobby xx
spriggig Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 ...the psychiatrists she's had don't help her much, I think she just sees the wrong ones... I know nothing about this stuff, but this seems odd to me. She's seen multiple shrinks and none of them have helped her?
Author This Hurts Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 Bless you darling but no they wont. You love her and she is ill. Just because they cant see her leg in plaster or her hair fallen out through chemo doest mean she isnt poorly. Its very hard for a carer of this illness because when they are manic they can shine too. Has she been intouch with a crisis team? could you? you know her better than anyone and they will listen to you. They should be supporting you both as a couple. big hugs Nobby xx Well, I hope your opinion of me or my situation doesn't change when I tell you my age. I'm 18, I'll be 19 this summer. I have been with her for over 3.5 years. I may be the baby of this website but I assure you my feelings are mature and I love this girl with all that I am made of. Her family isn't very involved. Her own mother is bipolar and she's hard to communicate with; she isn't very aware of her surroundings. Her father is into drugs and even though he's a very caring man, he's not reliable in any way whatsoever. My 'ex' loves him very much but even he has disappointed her in the past with all of his broken promises. The rest of them (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) are all distant; her family isn't close AT ALL. And one of her aunts is also bipolar. But she doesn't see them very often. Her 'psychologist' is merely a cheap counselor at her alternative public school (she got kicked out of the regular one for failing miserably). All they talk to her about (which I'm sure is because of her age) is what she wants to do with her future, and she hates this a lot because it doesn't help her deal with her problem in any way, it just worries and scares her further. I have been her only support system for years. She's not the type of person to go to her psychologist and really be open with her/him, the only times she's made any progress in an appointment is when I'm her basically cheerleader prior to the actual appointment, telling her that she can do it and all that. She doesn't have any reliable friends, either, especially since the people she's been involved with in the past are all into drugs and don't understand her illness like I have. They're attitude towards her when she gets upset is something along of the lines of (quoting her once when she was venting to me about them) "Why be so weak?" She went through an episode like this last year, except this year she won't speak to me, so it makes it hard to try to convince her to get help. I tried to convince her that she's going through a manic episode, and I had information to back it up, but she won't buy it. She doesn't think she's going through one, but I know my baby, and like you said: she's in her own world right now. During her last episode, she skipped school a lot, was promiscuous, did drugs, and it all ended up 'making her worst', as she calls it. Eventually, she contacted me and we got back together until now... Between all that time and now (the time we've been together), I got her to get help again and even got her to start getting As and Bs. Note, I don't mean to sound cocky in any way, but I take pride in the fact that I've busted my ass (sorry for the foul language) helping her, and it also pains me that in return I get all the ****. I could try to contact her mom but I'm pretty sure she (my ex) would be extremely mad at me for it and I don't want to push her away even more, especially since I honestly don't think her mom would do much about it. What do you suggest? Again, thank you so much for your patience and understanding.
Author This Hurts Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 (edited) I know nothing about this stuff, but this seems odd to me. She's seen multiple shrinks and none of them have helped her? She's seeing her second 'real' one right now, though she's talked to a few school counselors before. The reply I just posted explains more. *Edit I apologize I made it seem like she's seen several. Edited March 27, 2010 by This Hurts
nobmagnet Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Hi, You are a sweet chap that understands her so well. I feel for you haveing your hands tied. Does she take any medication? I really would get intouch with her mum or dad because she needs help and is not allowing you to at the moment. They dont have to say it was you that told them but they need to take some responsability for her wellbeing and safety. Do you know where she is? Where she is staying? When was the last time you spoke to her? Nobby xx
Author This Hurts Posted April 4, 2010 Author Posted April 4, 2010 Hi, You are a sweet chap that understands her so well. I feel for you haveing your hands tied. Does she take any medication? I really would get intouch with her mum or dad because she needs help and is not allowing you to at the moment. They dont have to say it was you that told them but they need to take some responsability for her wellbeing and safety. Do you know where she is? Where she is staying? When was the last time you spoke to her? Nobby xx Hey, I've been putting off writing back because realization hurts, ha. She has a new boyfriend. I THINK she got him the day she broke up with me or a couple of days after, but there's still the possibility that she got him before she even broke up with me but that's something I don't really want to find out. It's odd—like I said—just that morning she told me she missed by voice and my smell. A few days before that, she was telling me not to leave her (I keep repeating this because I know it was genuine), and about a week before she broke up with me she was upset because she felt she was losing me for good. She said she still loves me and she's just "sheltering" those feelings for me. The fact that she has a boyfriend hasn't been something we've talked about but while I was texting her one day he left me a voicemail telling me to "stop leaving his girlfriend messages". What he doesn't know is she told me the night before that "love you" and goodnight. I'm pretty sure she's not being completely honest with him but again, I'm not really interested in knowing any of that right now. I just hurt. How could she fall out of love with me so fast? And even if she hasn't, like she's told me, how could she choose this guy over me, when she's been with me for over 3.5 years and I know her better than anyone else? I have been the only one that has had the patience and that's actually interested in her and her issues. She doesn't think she's going through a manic episode and sometimes I believe she isn't. She's still planning on finishing school and she hasn't been feeling depressed 24/7, though she told me she "doesn't give a **** about anything anymore and she does whatever she wants whenever she wants", which is not a good sign when you have bipolar disorder. I don't know how long this episode is going to last, or if it even is an episode, but that's exactly why I can't just sit and wait, especially when she's been treating me so god damn ****ty. I told her a few days ago she can come to me if she needs me for anything, and after treating me like **** a few more times and me telling her that I'm thinking about just not talking to her anymore she said, "Just go, I'll come to you." I told her if the next time she was going to contact me was going to be like a month later, I probably would want to know since I don't want to wait around every minute. She said she would in a few days. This is the second day without talking to her at all and I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm not a bad person; I did nothing to deserve this. I've been patient with her, I've helped her through everything, I've been affectionate, and I've been forgiving towards everything she's done to me and I just do not deserve this. I just want to be truly happy and worry-free again—it's something I haven't felt since I was a child; this feeling has been persistent the whole time I've been with her. I deserve to be happy and it ****ing kills me that I have to go through prolonged months of pain and grief to be able to reach the true contentment I want and need. I'm hopefully getting a psychologist soon and I'll be able to both deal with this AND some inner problems I believe I have. In the meanwhile, I just hope I can get through every day, and maybe even have her snap out of this trance and alleviate my pain at least for a second. Thank you for being patient and reading my problems, rants, whatever else.
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