AmeliaApple Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I've been considering divorce and/or separation for the last few months. My husband and I are going to a counselor who is really, really gifted. There are a lot of issues that I am concerned about. We've been married for 4 years, don't have any kids, I just finished my Ph.D. and he is about to finish his bachelor's degree. I work full-time and he is a full-time student. The main issues I am facing are: Violent outbursts when we have an argument...he has never hit me, but hits things and has hit them in extremely close proximity to me.I've realized that I'm at that point where I am thinking about kids and I don't want my children to grow up in a house where they would be scared of their father.I know my husband has a lot of personal baggage, but how long can you be the support and sacrifice your needs for the other person?My husband never tells me I am beautiful, smart, etc...I get more compliments from strangers. I don't feel like I am attractive any more.Invalidation of my emotions, needs, and the work that I do for us to survive in a one-income household.I do love him, but do not trust him (not in the infidelity sense, but in the sense that I can count on him for any type of support).I've realized that by being in this relationship, I do not need anyone to be "okay". I'd like to be in a relationship where I could count on someone, particularly if that someone is my husband, but I've only come to the realization that I don't "need" him... I went to my therapist alone the other day and we had a very candid conversation about how our couples therapy is going. He is encouraged, but warned me not to let my guard down. He said that there was abuse, but that he thinks if my husband is willing to do the work, then there is hope. I'm so appreciative that my therapist is willing to tell me how it is. He doesn't talk in circles, he always has a strategy when speaking with us as a couple or in a one-on-one session. I'm so grateful for him. We talked about the fact that I have pulled away from my husband emotionally and he told me that was actually okay and what I needed to to right now. He told me that it is clear that my husband is carrying around a lot of pain and taking it out on me, and that I need to protect myself. He said that even though I need to focus on protecting myself and preserving myself, that doesn't mean that I am being un-supportive or pulling away from our marriage. The strangest thing of all is that you can love someone so much, but come to the realization that you are not better together. You are better apart. I want what is best for both of us and, more importantly, I want what is best for the kids that I want to have in the future. I'd like that to be with my husband, but if he doesn't do the work, then it cannot be with him. Funny, though, I am still at peace with my life despite this. :-) Any advice would be wonderful!
nobmagnet Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Hi, Would you mind me asking your age? It seems a tick tock body clock isnt helping the situation. Has he always been the same? Could it be the stress of the studies if its a new thing? Has he been open at councelling sessions? do you feel he is hiding something? so many questions before i would dream off offering :love: Nobby x
mem11363 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 As the male - I just don't do stuff that makes my wife physically fearful / intimidated by me. That is just being a bully. Sounds like he is bullying you without hitting you - that is totally wrong. A good H should build you up. He should compliment you on your strengths, and tactfully help you improve in areas where you are weak. If you don't feel safe and loved around your man most of the time than it is a bad marriage. I've been considering divorce and/or separation for the last few months. My husband and I are going to a counselor who is really, really gifted. There are a lot of issues that I am concerned about. We've been married for 4 years, don't have any kids, I just finished my Ph.D. and he is about to finish his bachelor's degree. I work full-time and he is a full-time student. The main issues I am facing are: Violent outbursts when we have an argument...he has never hit me, but hits things and has hit them in extremely close proximity to me.I've realized that I'm at that point where I am thinking about kids and I don't want my children to grow up in a house where they would be scared of their father.I know my husband has a lot of personal baggage, but how long can you be the support and sacrifice your needs for the other person?My husband never tells me I am beautiful, smart, etc...I get more compliments from strangers. I don't feel like I am attractive any more.Invalidation of my emotions, needs, and the work that I do for us to survive in a one-income household.I do love him, but do not trust him (not in the infidelity sense, but in the sense that I can count on him for any type of support).I've realized that by being in this relationship, I do not need anyone to be "okay". I'd like to be in a relationship where I could count on someone, particularly if that someone is my husband, but I've only come to the realization that I don't "need" him... I went to my therapist alone the other day and we had a very candid conversation about how our couples therapy is going. He is encouraged, but warned me not to let my guard down. He said that there was abuse, but that he thinks if my husband is willing to do the work, then there is hope. I'm so appreciative that my therapist is willing to tell me how it is. He doesn't talk in circles, he always has a strategy when speaking with us as a couple or in a one-on-one session. I'm so grateful for him. We talked about the fact that I have pulled away from my husband emotionally and he told me that was actually okay and what I needed to to right now. He told me that it is clear that my husband is carrying around a lot of pain and taking it out on me, and that I need to protect myself. He said that even though I need to focus on protecting myself and preserving myself, that doesn't mean that I am being un-supportive or pulling away from our marriage. The strangest thing of all is that you can love someone so much, but come to the realization that you are not better together. You are better apart. I want what is best for both of us and, more importantly, I want what is best for the kids that I want to have in the future. I'd like that to be with my husband, but if he doesn't do the work, then it cannot be with him. Funny, though, I am still at peace with my life despite this. :-) Any advice would be wonderful!
tnttim Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 You are pointing your finger at him this whole entire thread. What part do you think you play in this degradation? You are the one and only person responsible for how you feel. You are letting your husbands emotions dictate your emotions. Life is not supposed to be like that. Marriage is a partnership, but it is made up of two free minded people. As the marriage goes on we all lose that realization and start pointing fingers at why we are unhappy. Point your finger at your problems and you'll see that 3 fingers are pointing at you but you don't notice that detail. It's up to you to be happy, or sad, it's your choice. When you guys argue try something different to diffuse the situation. Do not feed into it and then be surprised when he gets pissed and breaks something. Did you ever think that you may be the problem, or least contributing to the escalation? You may be causing his violent outbursts. Your are both under pressure and in a high stress part of both of your lives. kids will only add to that stress, so you need to work that out before you bring innocent children into the world.
Author AmeliaApple Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 Thank you for the constructive advice. Let me see if I can answer the questions posed: I'm 30 years old. While the "clock" is not necessarily ticking, I do know that I want children in the future. Whether naturally or adoption, that doesn't matter to me. Coming to the realization that I want children is one of the reasons I started thinking more about the environment in which they would be raised. Having someone beat the sh*t out of the car console to the point of breaking it out of the car while you are sitting five inches away was the last straw for me. He has changed since we got married. Before we were married, he was affectionate and didn't hit stuff, but about a half a year into the marriage it changed. Now, when we go out in public with friends, he won't talk to me or even sit close to me. When I try to talk to him he is just dismissive. He's said that he never really liked PDA...ever. This was expressed to me about three weeks ago. In all fairness, however, I've changed. I know more now what I want out of life and relationships. I don't think that was as clear when I was 25. My contributions to the relationship issues: allowing unacceptable behavior to continue from the time that it started. I also have had other issues, but make a conscious effort for my marriage to address his needs and to figure out what I need to be happy in a relationship and when I'm being unreasonable. I work to keep the house cleaner, but he isn't happy with what I do. As for the advice on I am the only one responsible for how I feel, if you had read close enough, you'd have gleaned that I am quite at peace with my life and taking responsibility for my marriage by trying to make it better or determining if we would be better off apart. Originally I started seeing a counselor alone because I thought I was being "crazy", but realized that it is both of us that is letting the marriage become the way it is. Please don't be so quick to pass judgment. I wouldn't be going to counseling and asking for advice if I didn't care about both of us. I was merely trying to explain the situation as best I understood it because I cannot explain it any other way.
nobmagnet Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 (edited) hi again, thanks for answering those questions:) Violence is never the answer and verbal abuse too........no. He sounds frustraited in his situation be it you or his studies. Frustration about feeling trapped maybe? Maybe the idea of marriage was better than the reality to him? Either way is not acceptable. He needs to understand this and you need to explain to him (with the help of your councellor) that is is not acceptable. He needs to understand he scares you. He needs to understand he makes you sad and the harder you try........the worse he seems to get and to ask himself why it is so. I havent read too much about you and your chap but may I just suggest you google narsassit? Have a look at the list of signs and see how many he or you tick. You need to be honest and self reflective too. Lables are lables but it might give you a greater understanding of who you/he is. As i say unless you communicate effectively how you feel and indeed he tell you why he is so angry/ frustated you only have one way to go. Invest in your marriage. find out whats happening. all the best Nobby x Edited March 27, 2010 by nobmagnet 2 glasses of Chardonnay
Lindsey Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 You posted on my story so I thought I would do the same. It does sound like our H are one in the same! It's crazy how they can go from semi normal people early in the relationship to crazy, irrational people. If you had told me a year ago I would have been thinking about divorcing my H, I would have told you that you were crazy! I hope you the best of luck in what ever choice you make. For me, I think I'm leaving! Nothing good ever happens in staying in the situation I'm in.
tnttim Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I think you missed my point. The fact that you are putting so much emphasis on him and his feelings affecting you shows that you are letting his feelings dictate your feelings. What I'm saying is let your feelings be independent of his feelings, why let him drag you down. When a child wants attention he will get it either good or bad. When he gets mad and hits stuff, do not react, do not give him attention. You keep feeling the way you felt before, I know it's hard but it's possible when you put in the effort. The more you focus on something the more profound the feelings you will have because feelings love justification and they need to be right. You feel like he's abusive and you will subconsciousely look for all the reasons to prove that feeling right. I understand women strive on feeings so what I'm saying is easier said then done. The grass is always greener on the other side. So if you leave the green grass will be on the marriage side. Stay and the green grass switches to the divorced side. You see no matter what we always question what side is better, or greener. You are the one and only person responsible for how you feel, think about it......................
Author AmeliaApple Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 Thank you for the insight. I know the "grass is greener" thing. I am happy, personally content, and at peace with things right now. Even though this is a difficult situation. But, I will admit to having that thought from time to time. I suppose that is natural, but I should be cautious about getting sucked into that type of thought. I know what you are saying about how others make you feel, but there are events that happen to us were we cannot control how we feel. It just seemed like you were saying that my fear response to him was something that I was allowing. Of course I'm going to be fearful. He is bigger than me by about 70 pounds and he has martial arts training. He could kill me with his hands if he "snapped". I think having the fear emotion to that is reasonable. As for the "beautiful" thing, I don't think that I am ugly, but I he doesn't do much to engender the feelings of desirability. Then wonders why I'm not "ready to go" if he wants to have sex. It is a partnership and both of us have to work at it. If one person is doing the work, then there is an issue regardless of how you look at it.
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