AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I chatted with this girl on EHarmony for a while and then we met in person at a restaurant -- things were okay, but I was probably a bit too shy and awkward for my liking. She did agree to meet for drinks/food tonight (Saturday) at a bar with me for a second date, so I figure that has to be a good sign, yes? The concern I have is that I've sent flirty comments before (very very infrequently, maybe countable on one hand) from time to time within my emails to her and they've essentially been avoided (that is, not acknowledged. It's like I may as well have not put anything at all). This, to me, is a mixed signal. If you aren't flirting back but accept a second date, what may that imply? Secondly, I am worried about how I am going to handle the night. I invited her to a bar that is very close to my place. I don't want to invite her back though and give her the wrong idea (I am after a relationship, not a hookup). I'd like to not be as awkward as I was on the first date. I want conversation to be smoother (it was decent last time, but I want things to go extremely well). The problem is that I feel like I've asked all the basic questions about her background. I know her college, major, what she spends her free time doing, where she's from, her family, her life at work, her exercise habits, her food habits, what she likes to eat, what she likes to listen to, etc. What are some good ways to step past these "basic" questions into questions that are a bit deeper without making everything sound like an interview? Basically I need some guidance for this second date. When do we end things? How do I end things? What can I ask her? How should I handle the experience? I want to show up "prepared" -- meaning letting everything flow naturally, but rely on some backups in case it seems like things are dying down. What works for you guys?
Author AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 It's in eight hours, if that matters any.
Cinderella7 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I wouldn't worry about her not picking up on the flirty comments. They can sometimes be hard to interpret via email. The fact is, she agreed to a second date. She must be somewhat interested. I know that trying to learn about someone without interviewing them can be frustrating. Personally, I like more hypothetical, open-ended questions after the basic "getting to know you" ones are out of the way. Like, "What would you live if you could live anywhere in the world?" or "If you won the lottery, what would you do with it?" I find you can still learn a lot about people through their answers, even if the questions are a little silly. Good luck!
Author AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 But don't those kind of questions seem forced and random at all?
tastytunaburger Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 (edited) Yes. Yes they do. Any prepared questions you come up with will seem forced--more like an interrogation than a date. That's probably one of the reasons you felt awkward on the first date! You need to remember that a date, first and foremost, is for *you* to have fun. Unless you think it's fun to prepare a list of questions and then read them off one by one, don't do that :-P I know where you're coming from with the questions, because I've done it many times before. Clearly you're worried about the awkward silence that might ensue if you don't fill it with questions. One thing I've been working on, myself, is not being afraid of silence. Remember, if there's silence, it's being created by *both* of you! If you have nothing to say at a particular moment, that's fine! See if she has anything to say. And she might not. You two might be staring at each other in silence for a bit. Sure, that might seem awkward, but it'll give both of you an opportunity to actually say something *worth* saying. She very well might be uncomfortable with silence, too--many people are--and she might start asking forced questions at that point. But if you stay calm and smile, without being affected by the silence, you'll come off far more confident. (And by the way, what's wrong with awkwardness? It makes life much funnier. Embrace it.) Oh, also: in the future, you'll be far less nervous if you don't exchange a ton of emails with someone before meeting up. It's too much pressure on yourself because you end up worrying about wasting all those hours online instead of just having fun. Edited March 27, 2010 by tastytunaburger
Author AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 Yes. Yes they do. Any prepared questions you come up with will seem forced--more like an interrogation than a date. That's probably one of the reasons you felt awkward on the first date! You need to remember that a date, first and foremost, is for *you* to have fun. Unless you think it's fun to prepare a list of questions and then read them off one by one, don't do that :-P I know where you're coming from with the questions, because I've done it many times before. Clearly you're worried about the awkward silence that might ensue if you don't fill it with questions. One thing I've been working on, myself, is not being afraid of silence. Remember, if there's silence, it's being created by *both* of you! If you have nothing to say at a particular moment, that's fine! See if she has anything to say. And she might not. You two might be staring at each other in silence for a bit. Sure, that might seem awkward, but it'll give both of you an opportunity to actually say something *worth* saying. She very well might be uncomfortable with silence, too--many people are--and she might start asking forced questions at that point. But if you stay calm and smile, without being affected by the silence, you'll come off far more confident. (And by the way, what's wrong with awkwardness? It makes life much funnier. Embrace it.) Oh, also: in the future, you'll be far less nervous if you don't exchange a ton of emails with someone before meeting up. It's too much pressure on yourself because you end up worrying about wasting all those hours online instead of just having fun. Yeah, learned that the hard way. I think I am going to move to meet in person a bit quicker in the future instead of waiting for like a week after exchanging like 2-3 messages per day. Problem is that her answers to some of my questions were pretty vague. She's training for a marathon but that's all she really tells me about her free time. I don't really know what else I can ask about her or what I can delve into. I do not want to talk about work again or anything like that.
tastytunaburger Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Yeah, learned that the hard way. I think I am going to move to meet in person a bit quicker in the future instead of waiting for like a week after exchanging like 2-3 messages per day. Problem is that her answers to some of my questions were pretty vague. She's training for a marathon but that's all she really tells me about her free time. I don't really know what else I can ask about her or what I can delve into. I do not want to talk about work again or anything like that. But that's exactly the point. You don't *need* to know what to ask her. Try seeing if she has anything interesting to say without being prompted with a question. That's how you let a conversation flow naturally. If you focus too much on questions, you'll forget to listen and the conversation doesn't have a chance. She might not have anything interesting to say right off the bat. She might by shy, or she might be boring. That's fine. Smile and enjoy the silence until you have something to say that isn't just a silence filler. Dates are supposed to be fun! If you're not having fun, then there's no point. FYI, last year I went on a date with a girl I thought was drop-dead gorgeous. But our first date, I found that the conversation was just me asking her questions. She didn't help me out at all. I figured she was shy, so we went on another date; this time, I made a purpose of staying a little more quiet. And guess what? There was no conversation. So I didn't ask her out again. (And by the way, "What do you do in your free time?" is a really hard question to answer. It's hard to be put on the spot like that.)
Author AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 The problem is when awkward silences kick in and I can't figure out anything to say quickly enough. That's my worry. XD I feel like I need SOME sort of base to go off of just in case we start running out of natural flowspeak.
tastytunaburger Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 The problem is when awkward silences kick in and I can't figure out anything to say quickly enough. That's my worry. XD I feel like I need SOME sort of base to go off of just in case we start running out of natural flowspeak. I think the problem is that you're trying to say something quickly. I know, because I do it. All the time. And I've been working for a while on stopping. It's not an easy habit to break. But take my manager, for instance--he's a very confident guy, and sometimes when I'm grabbing lunch with him and we're walking down the street, he says nothing for an entire 5 minutes! He only speaks when he has something to say, and he isn't uncomfortable with silence at all. It's not that he's in a bad mood, or that he's a boring person--he just doesn't use conversational filler. Don't get me wrong. There's a purpose for conversational filler, as it makes people comfortable if you do it *right*--in other words, if you're taking control of the conversation, they don't have to worry about what to say. *But* that only makes them comfortable if you're comfortable; and I'm willing to bet that when you're spouting off questions in an attempt to break the silence, you don't seem comfortable. I think the best first step for you would be to try saying nothing, and just see what happens. If there's silence for 5 minutes--well, okay. You're probably not that compatible. Better to find out now.
Author AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 I still feel like I would normally be able to converse -- it's just that nerves get the best of me. What are some good topics to delve into that aren't so interviewy?
BobSacamento Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 First of all you met her on eHarmony. She's interested in as more than friends. Second, you need to relax. I know it's brutal but if you go in there all apologetic for every little thing like an awkward silence or something like that she's going to think you're dramatic or something. Third, how would she know it's near your place, kinda moot. Fourth, a safe area for the conversation is to talk about your friends and crap like that. As her about that if things get slow. People love talking about their friends.
dazzle22 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 You need to trick your brain into caring less about the outcome. Tell yourself, that if it's meant to be, it will be, if not, eh, whatever. Next. Be the way you are with a platonic girlfriend. Go in with zero expectations. That is what I do about situations, like vacations, coming up, or parties. I don't think about them, or imagine them, because they never turn out the way you imagine anyway. Keep a sense of humor, and be able to laugh at yourself. That puts people at ease.
Author AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 I am not sure if drinking is going to help me much. XD I mean, what do you guys talk about on second dates? It feels like she isn't giving me much to go from here. Can probably ask her about a party I know she went to after our first date with her coworkers -- maybe talk about movies she likes and whatnot. But I'd like to get into "deeper" questions that reveal personality a bit more and possibly humor. What would be some good ways to build into that?
sweetjasmine Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Listen to her responses and let the conversation go from there? You're over-analyzing again already and you haven't even left the house yet. Calm down and relax a little.
dazzle22 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Don't be so intense. She will get the impression she is being "interviewed for the job of girlfriend". I would keep the date short and sweet and light, and then set up the next date as some kind of ACTIVITY where it is not just face to face talk/intensity. That is too much/too soon for a healthy relationship which tend to evolve gradually and slowly:).
Author AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 I guess... I just don't want to resort to talking about work and school again. I want to figure out what makes her tick. I want to avoid **** feeling like an interview. I have to leave in 20m. X_X
dazzle22 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 It will take a lot more than a few dates to really see how a person "ticks". So relax, just enjoy the experience and have no expectations. Talk about movies or travel, or some good comedians you've heard recently. Good luck:cool:
Author AbAeterno Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 I fully understand the need to relax, but it's hard to relax when you KNOW you're going to run out of things to say/ask on the spot. I know there's going to be awkward silence once I find nothing to build from. I'm just not quick enough under pressure, socially speaking.
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Please never ask a girl questions like "What what you do if you won a lottery?" or similar. I had a guy do that and I was uncomfrotable and felt like it's a forced interview with a guy not knowing what to say and having to resort to that. I pretty much said "What kind of question is that? sounds like you are interviewing me". The way I see it, if you have a natural connection with someone - conversation will flow and silences won't seem as awkward.
Author AbAeterno Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 (edited) Back from my date. Three hours long. No awkward questions needed. Conversation flowed pretty easily! I am surprised. Edited March 28, 2010 by AbAeterno
dazzle22 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Good for you! You don't give yourself enough credit apparently!
Author AbAeterno Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 I am realizing more and more that having a genuine intellectual curiosity makes for very easy conversations.
sweetjasmine Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I am realizing more and more that having a genuine intellectual curiosity makes for very easy conversations. Yup, and having things in common helps too. I'm glad it went well.
Author AbAeterno Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 I have a ton in common with this girl -- the only exception is that she doesn't really like pondering "deeper philosophical matters" but honestly, I don't care about that. We match practically everywhere else lmfao, it's eerie. Unfortunately we're both also shy and our physical contact has been limited to pretty half-assed hugs, lol.
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