double standard is alive and well . . .

[calizaggy]

I have asked out a guy the first I met him. Generally if the first date went well it opened the door for other dates. So I asked for, some they asked for. I don't let a guy pay for me on casual dates even when he asks me out, so I don't know why I would have to pay for him just because I asked him out. I have been the one who drove, but mostly I stick to meeting up when I'm just beginning to get to know them for safety reasons. If he ended up being freak, I wanted to be able to just leave.

On other occasions it was someone I saw a few times in my social circle before asking them out but those were more time where conversation made it obvious we were both digging each other and I was just the first one to vocalize it. Same situations there after though.

 

And dude, even if the "one hour" girl had been approached by you instead prior to hitting the sack, there STILL wouldn't be much pursuing going on....just saying.

 

 

Lol, what you describe is suggesting, or maybe even asking. Or expressing feelings.. Not pursuing..

[calizaggy]

So you're saying you overtake, capture and then kill all the woman you ask out?

Again with the Conan crap. C'mon

This is just more of your BS angling for a win here. This post you've offered makes no sense. Dating isn't about murder.

 

 

Etc is in the defnition, and I would include conquering.. Suggesting a date is not "pursuing"..

[sally4sara]

Women do not, and cannot pursue.. It is simply silly..Unless you are changing the definition of the word itself..

 

Oh trust, if we are going to use your offered definition of pursue, I am capable of doing it. Hell, "one hour" girl easily could've just shot and killed you in an alley using sex bait to capture you.

 

But this is YOUR BS definition here.

[sally4sara]

Lol, what you describe is suggesting, or maybe even asking. Or expressing feelings.. Not pursuing..

 

So you give a scenario, asking out someone you do not know, choosing the place for the date, picking the fella up and when I say yes I've done that - it is suddenly not pursuit anymore just because it didn't support your point?

 

Full of BS and no point in bothering. Whatever Conan.

[St. Nick]

Have you ever, in your life, been approached by a female you do not know, she asked for your number, then she called, picked you up, and paid for a date?

 

That is the "pursuit dance" men engage in to "conquer" a female.

 

When the stranger female approached me, we had sex within an hour.. No pursuit dance necessary..

Naw, never happened to me. But I think it's possible. I also think that if the following happened like you said here: "Have you ever, in your life, been approached by a female you do not know, she asked for your number, then she called, picked you up, and paid for a date?" it would also be possible a guy could end up liking a woman who did those things just as much if he did them himself. Do you agree with that?

[calizaggy]

Naw, never happened to me. But I think it's possible. I also think that if the following happened like you said here: "Have you ever, in your life, been approached by a female you do not know, she asked for your number, then she called, picked you up, and paid for a date?" it would also be possible a guy could end up liking a woman who did those things just as much if he did them himself. Do you agree with that?

 

 

Sure, it's possible.. I just never heard of it happening in my life.

 

Sally4sara, Let me make it simple for you..

 

An example of "pursuing", might be a cheetah chasing it's prey.. It's prey is offering resistance or running..

 

For women to "pursue" a man is 100% futile in all cases.. If that man offers resistance, or runs, HE IS NOT INTO YOU. He never will be.. At most, he might have sex with the woman.

 

However, for women it is quite different. A woman might not be sure, might not know the man well enough, might take some coaxing, and very often it leads to her being "conquered" or even spending a life together..

[St. Nick]

Sure, it's possible.. I just never heard of it happening in my life.

 

Sally4sara, Let me make it simple for you..

 

An example of "pursuing", might be a cheetah chasing it's prey.. It's prey is offering resistance or running..

 

For women to "pursue" a man is 100% futile in all cases.. If that man offers resistance, or runs, HE IS NOT INTO YOU. He never will be.. At most, he might have sex with the woman.

 

However, for women it is quite different. A woman might not be sure, might not know the man well enough, might take some coaxing, and very often it leads to her being "conquered" or even spending a life together..

Ah, but what if the man doesn't offer resistance and doesn't run. I say it's possible he could like her just as much as if he had pursued. It's even possible he could wanna get into a long-term relationship.

 

Also, I think you're wrong when you say he'll never be into you. Are you going to say you didn't once see a chick who looked ugly then later on see that chick dressed up and find her attractive? Happens to me all the time. Women in Chicago can look real ugly in the wintertime. But when summer rolls around they can look pretty attractive.

 

So I say, yeah, he could change his mind.

[sweetjasmine]

With my current boyfriend, I'm the one who suggested our first date.

 

Have you ever, in your life, been approached by a female you do not know, she asked for your number, then she called, picked you up, and paid for a date?

 

I've never had that happen with a male. I don't give strangers my phone number, and I've never accepted a date from someone I didn't know on some level. So, no, I wouldn't ask out a stranger.

[janie423]

Ah, but what if the man doesn't offer resistance and doesn't run. I say it's possible he could like her just as much as if he had pursued. It's even possible he could wanna get into a long-term relationship.

 

Also, I think you're wrong when you say he'll never be into you. Are you going to say you didn't once see a chick who looked ugly then later on see that chick dressed up and find her attractive? Happens to me all the time. Women in Chicago can look real ugly in the wintertime. But when summer rolls around they can look pretty attractive.

 

So I say, yeah, he could change his mind.

 

I have to agree with this post.

[calizaggy]

Ah, but what if the man doesn't offer resistance and doesn't run. I say it's possible he could like her just as much as if he had pursued. It's even possible he could wanna get into a long-term relationship.

 

Also, I think you're wrong when you say he'll never be into you. Are you going to say you didn't once see a chick who looked ugly then later on see that chick dressed up and find her attractive? Happens to me all the time. Women in Chicago can look real ugly in the wintertime. But when summer rolls around they can look pretty attractive.

 

So I say, yeah, he could change his mind.

 

Ok, let's say a woman asks you out.. You say no.. She "pursues" and asks again.. There is a chance you would then say yes and want to marry her one day?

 

Once again, I do not count pursuing (as the op defined as chasing) as a girl who knows a guy who meekly suggests going somewhere together, in which most likely he pays, plans, etc.

 

Pursuing would be a woman who is denied but does not give up to win her man.. The idea of that is quite silly and not based in reality.. Women are not, and never will be pursuers.. They have a vagina, and do not need to be.. If a woman really must pursue after rejections, then yes she is desperate.

[calizaggy]

With my current boyfriend, I'm the one who suggested our first date.

 

 

 

I've never had that happen with a male. I don't give strangers my phone number, and I've never accepted a date from someone I didn't know on some level. So, no, I wouldn't ask out a stranger.

 

 

So you then planned it, picked him up, paid, then followed up afterward? If he would have said no, would you have asked again and again?

Edited March 28, 2010 by calizaggy

[sweetjasmine]

So you then planned it, picked him up, paid, then followed up afterward? If he would have said no, would you have asked again and again?

 

We planned it together since we both had to travel a bit to get to the city we met up in. I chose the restaurant, and we walked there with me leading the way since he didn't know where we were going. He declined my offer to help pay for anything. We were immediately in contact afterwards, so I can't tell you who followed up with whom.

 

And if he said no, I wouldn't have asked again. I hate it when people ask me again after I've f-ing said no. That's not "pursuing" - that's being annoying.

[sally4sara]

We planned it together since we both had to travel a bit to get to the city we met up in. I chose the restaurant, and we walked there with me leading the way since he didn't know where we were going. He declined my offer to help pay for anything. We were immediately in contact afterwards, so I can't tell you who followed up with whom.

 

And if he said no, I wouldn't have asked again. I hate it when people ask me again after I've f-ing said no. That's not "pursuing" - that's being annoying.

 

I agree, I've never said "no"and then changed my mind, let alone been pestered into it. That is harassment.

Talk about putting off rapey vibes! gross! Sounds more like some guys only get dates by scaring the girl into saying yes. I wonder how many times they get stood up.

[sweetjasmine]

I agree, I've never said "no"and then changed my mind, let alone been pestered into it. That is harassment.

Talk about putting off rapey vibes! gross! Sounds more like some guys only get dates by scaring the girl into saying yes. I wonder how many times they get stood up.

 

Gross is exactly right. I had one guy [probably drunk] text me, asking to meet up with him, and I bluntly said, "No, I'm feeling really sick. I don't want to." I had a really bad cold and sore throat, hardly wanted to move let alone go out into the freezing cold. To see him, no less. But he texted me several more times. He wrote something like, "You can't scare me off. Want want want." Jesus christ. I went from irritated to disgusted in just a few seconds. After a while, I guess it sunk in that I had written that I was feeling really sick and to leave me alone, and he stopped.

[Gunny376]

BIG TIME DISAGREE!!

 

Any man (at least mature ones) would love to see a woman show some "Confidence" and "Initiative".

 

Very Sexy and beautiful... if you ask me.

 

I agree!

 

Men are human beings.

 

Human beings want/need to feel wanted, needed, desired.

 

I love it when a woman initiates and lets me know that she's into me.

 

The problem arises when I'm not into her?

 

Thus the problem is? Not that its right or wrong for a woman to pursue a man?

 

Its that many women simply are crushed and cannot handle any measure of rejection, even though men deal with this all of the time?

[calizaggy]

I agree, I've never said "no"and then changed my mind, let alone been pestered into it. That is harassment.

Talk about putting off rapey vibes! gross! Sounds more like some guys only get dates by scaring the girl into saying yes. I wonder how many times they get stood up.

 

 

hahaha.. Rapey vibes?

 

This is where women try to neuter men and change whom they biologically are..If it was not for persistent men most of us would not even be here today.

 

Women also change their mind SEVERAL times about almost everything.. Men do not...

 

I have no idea why some women are trying to portray themselves as pursuers, when they so obviously are not.. The entire idea is ridiculous in itself..

[St. Nick]

Ok, let's say a woman asks you out.. You say no.. She "pursues" and asks again.. There is a chance you would then say yes and want to marry her one day?

 

Once again, I do not count pursuing (as the op defined as chasing) as a girl who knows a guy who meekly suggests going somewhere together, in which most likely he pays, plans, etc.

 

Pursuing would be a woman who is denied but does not give up to win her man.. The idea of that is quite silly and not based in reality.. Women are not, and never will be pursuers.. They have a vagina, and do not need to be.. If a woman really must pursue after rejections, then yes she is desperate.

Ok, now I understand where you're going with this and I'm agreeing with you. Although, if a woman came up to me, I didn't find her attractive and said no, she left, came back dressed up and I found her attractive, I'd say yes to her second proposal. But yeah, you're right, I can't see a woman pursuing a man as aggressively as a man who pursues a woman. I'm just saying that if a woman made some effort to get the man she likes then that wouldn't be so bad. Like this scenario:

1. Woman sees guy she likes. She asks him out. He says no, she leaves.

2. Woman dresses up to look more attractive. She goes after him again. He says yes, they date--or he says no, she leaves and moves on.

 

Now that scenario wouldn't be so bad. Like I said, it would be nice to see a woman make some effort to snag a man, rather than always waiting around. If she made continuous effort after being rejected then I agree with that it looks like she's desperate. If she made two efforts like the scenario I described then I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's desperate.

[phineas]

Well, what do you think? If a man wants to date a woman, he calls her and chases her - that's called pursuing. If a woman wants to date a man and calls him and chases him - she's a bunny boiler, clingy, desparate.

 

Agree or disagree?

 

Disagree.

 

If a woman does not mirror my attempts to contact her I assume she isn't interested & leave her alone.

 

Most of the women I've met & dated asked me out first.

only a marginal amount of women I asked out actually accepted.

And I've been shot down quite a bit in my day.

 

It not only feels good to have woman make the first move, it builds a mans confidence if he's in a romantic dry spell.

[norajane]

I agree!

 

Men are human beings.

 

Human beings want/need to feel wanted, needed, desired.

 

I love it when a woman initiates and lets me know that she's into me.

 

The problem arises when I'm not into her?

 

Thus the problem is? Not that its right or wrong for a woman to pursue a man?

 

Its that many women simply are crushed and cannot handle any measure of rejection, even though men deal with this all of the time?

 

I'm just saying that if a woman made some effort to get the man she likes then that wouldn't be so bad. Like this scenario:

1. Woman sees guy she likes. She asks him out. He says no, she leaves.

2. Woman dresses up to look more attractive. She goes after him again. He says yes, they date--or he says no, she leaves and moves on.

 

Now that scenario wouldn't be so bad. Like I said, it would be nice to see a woman make some effort to snag a man, rather than always waiting around.

 

Women pursue men all the time, and they put a lot of effort into it. However, they generally do not pursue using the same tactics that men use, and they generally select their targets a bit differently than men do.

 

I'm simplifying here, but it's to make the point I'm trying to get across:

 

Example of a man pursuing a woman:

- Meets a woman he finds attractive, whether at a party, at work, a bar, etc.

- Chats her up

- Asks her out on a date

 

 

Example of a woman pursuing a man:

- Meets a man she finds attractive, but generally not at a bar because he is then a stranger and she won't typically pursue a stranger, AND the guy will make a move if he's interested long before she can apply many tactics to pursue him aside from flirting at the time of the meeting

- Chats him up to find out if he's single and to learn more about his personality, sense of humor, etc., to figure out if he's someone she wants to get to know better

- Asks around her friends/co-workers to find out more about who he is, what kind of guy he is, what kinds of things he likes to do, who he hangs out with, how long he's been single, is he looking for a relationship or just hook-ups at this time...all with the goal of understanding her target better and knowing how to attract him and where to find him so she can pursue him

- Steps up her attractiveness quotient so that every time she knows she will see him, she is looking her best. Extra care is given to hair, make-up, clothes, wearing heels that make her legs look awesome, scent.

- Flirts using a lot of eye contact, smiling, maybe small touches

- Goes out of her way to compliment him and let him know she admires him and enjoys seeing him and talking with him

- Invites him to join group events - happy hour, a group of mutual friends going out to dinner, concert, party, etc.

 

By this time, the guy should have noticed her, and would have asked her out if he actually is interested in her. If not, she probably now knows him well enough to pick an activity she knows he would like and throws out a suggestion as a cue for him to ask her out so they can be alone together.

 

- Hey, I noticed that Obscure Band #413 is playing at this club in my neighborhood next weekend.

 

- I've really been wanting to try that new seafood place...

 

- I've always wanted to try using weights at the gym, but the equipment is so intimidating...

 

If the guy doesn't pick up on the cues and ask her out, this is when an assertive woman might actually ask him out on a date. But, face it, if he's not responding to her pursuit, even if he says yes to the date, it's not likely to work out between them. Because if the guy was interested in her, he'd have picked up the ball at some point and run with it. So, there's really no point in her asking him out on a date.

 

So, Gunny, women do a LOT of things to initiate contact and make sure he knows she's into him.

 

And St. Nick, women put a LOT of effort into snagging a man they're attracted to and don't just wait around.

 

But there is a big difference in how men pursue, and how women pursue. It's not that women are afraid of rejection - their tactics certainly do not work all the time and they do feel rejected or frustrated when their target isn't interested. They've just learned that they are more likely to succeed in getting their man if they employ these tactics, if he hasn't asked her out right away.

 

If he doesn't ask her out right away, then her asking him out isn't going to make him any more interested. But her tactics might.

Edited March 28, 2010 by norajane

[sally4sara]

Disagree.

 

If a woman does not mirror my attempts to contact her I assume she isn't interested & leave her alone.

 

Most of the women I've met & dated asked me out first.

only a marginal amount of women I asked out actually accepted.

And I've been shot down quite a bit in my day.

 

It not only feels good to have woman make the first move, it builds a mans confidence if he's in a romantic dry spell.

 

But that's IMPOSSIBLE and so "unnatural"! Didn't you hear? I'm sure you are just imagining those women who asked you out.

 

To me, its whatever but this seems to seriously upset some folks despite the fact that it is a personal choice and a personal preference that they don't HAVE to agree with for it to exist and work for others.

[sweetjasmine]

But that's IMPOSSIBLE and so "unnatural"! Didn't you hear? I'm sure you are just imagining those women who asked you out.

 

To me, its whatever but this seems to seriously upset some folks despite the fact that it is a personal choice and a personal preference that they don't HAVE to agree with for it to exist and work for others.

 

It's because women can't be anything other than objects to be acquired by competing men. IT JUST CAN'T BE!!!11 It's biology!!!11

[You'reasian]

Well, what do you think? If a man wants to date a woman, he calls her and chases her - that's called pursuing. If a woman wants to date a man and calls him and chases him - she's a bunny boiler, clingy, desparate.

 

Agree or disagree?

 

We all have biases and imperfections in our judgement. Here's how you ladies look at us.

 

The guy that walks into the bar alone and isn't attractive to you is - creepy.

 

The guy that walks into the bar alone and isn't attractive to you but is funny is - cool.

 

Guy that walks into the bar alone and is attractive to you but doesn't say much is - mysterious.

 

Guy that walks into the bar with his buddies is - ok.

 

Guy that walks into the bar with a girl in arm is - interesting.

 

Guy that walks into the bar with two girls in both arms is - hawt lol.

[calizaggy]

Nora, good post.

 

Women and men are much different, and do typically pursue in different ways..

 

The OP seems to mention "pursuing" and "chasing" which in my opinion is quite silly for women to undertake.. Not only do they NEVER do this the way a male would, the end result would be at best, him sleeping with her.. No woman can "chase" and land a man that is not interested..

 

 

I think some of the other posters are confused about the words "pursuing" and "chasing".. Suggesting to hang out one time is not "chasing"..

 

Also, guys know immediately what they like and what they do not..I think some guys are imagining how cool it would be if young and beautiful women were chasing them.. But in reality it would probably be the older, fat, and desperate variety..

[Johnny M]

If a woman wants to date a man and calls him and chases him - she's a bunny boiler, clingy, desparate.

From my experience, this is just an excuse women use to justify their own passivity. I've never heard any man describe a woman who had asked him out as clingy or insecure. Men do not look down on proactive women - that's a fact. But women chose to believe ridiculous myths about this supposed male attitude because it goes with their agenda of doing nothing and letting men do all the hard work when it comes to dating.

[homersheineken]

Men who persue are also called stalkers and sometimes get restraining orders so it goes both ways.

 

If he's ignorant, stupid and not paying attention, then yes.