confused_pjl Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 My ex broke up with me a little over 2 months ago for another guy she works with. I have been NC for almost 7 weeks which wasn't so hard the first 2 weeks, then every day after that has been a struggle for me. I'm still living in our house, all she took was a bed, her clothes and some DVD's. I'm finding it hard because no matter what I do or where I go in the house I have memories of her or the two of us together doing things in the house. Now when these memories pop into my head I feel sad then I imagine her sharing the same memories with this new guy and I get depressed and angry. I'm trying hard to move on and am doing all the things suggested (working out, hanging with friends and family, taking on a new hobby, etc). Any advice on what I can do in or to my house to make some changes so I can move on. I've thought of moving furniture around, painting, anything to make my house look different and new. I also find it very hard hanging out with friends who are in relationships or married as well as going out to bars and seeing couples being affectionate. I get depressed because I'm lonely and can no longer share that affection with someone right now. I end up getting depressed, on the verge of a breakdown and end up having to leave. Once I get home I break down. This happens mostly on weekends. The mornings are especially hard because we used to cuddle in bed for a while then have breakfast together. It seems like this is a really big up hill battle. I can't see the peak yet but am in dire need of the easy slide down.
GrayClouds Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 It is stall all very fresh for you, so be kind to yourself. That crazy insain pain in the began at times seems like a welcome distraction from the thinking that comes latter. Take comfort you are doing the right things, it will get easier. Allow your self to feel the sadness and anger, let it out but do not stay there. Allow yourself a good cry, beat up a pillow, let it out and then let it go. If you find yourself focusing on it push yourself to move on. In the mean time turn up the music, paint the walls a new color, get some new art for the place, move the furniture around and make some of those changes for yourself. Hang in there, and give yourself time.
spriggig Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I'm in a very similar situation. I just kicked my STBX out this morning and now it's just me and my 11 year old son. Once school lets out, he's going to live with her. It will be just me here. UGH! There are twelve years of memories in this house. And it's my job to sort through them and clean them out. Here's what I found on this board: "Moving won't help. It doesn't matter where you live, you will take the memories and pain with you". My take on that is, I can sleep alone in this bed or alone in some other bed. I can rattle around this empty house or some other empty house. It's not the house, it's the person living in it.
Author confused_pjl Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Thanks GrayClouds. You've been really supportive and helpful with my posts. I'm trying really hard to be strong and move forward. The heartache and memories are killing me. I hate that I dream about her almost every night. They are not good dreams of us reconciling or anything like that. They are always dreams that she is still with this other guy and is rubbing it in my face. My mornings after are really hard because my mind then starts to think some of those things are real and thats who she really is as a person. I have to stay I am still in a period of shock, feels like all of this is a bad dream. I will never understand how someone can be in a 3yr relationship (living together for 2 of those years) and immediately jump head first into another relationship like the past 3 years didn't exist. I know 100% that I am not emotionally capable of dating right now, how can she be emotionally ready? I have said in my previous posts that their were no signs, some people don't believe that but I honestly didn't see any. Maybe I was blinded by love. It hurts me so much because I never in a million years would have thought my Ex could have or would have done this to me. I thought she loved me WAY too much. I'm not sure if you've read my previous posts, either way here are a few key points as to why this is such a shocker for me. -She spent $1500 on me at Christmas -Up until the day she said she wanted to break up she was kissing me goodbye in the morning, calling me on each of her breaks and txting me throughout the day, came home for lunch everyday to see me and always, always had to give me a HUGE bear hug first thing as soon as she walked in to door after work. -Second week of January she was asking me if I was ring shopping -Third week of January we thought she was pregnant and she stated verbatim "I would be really happy if I was pregnant" -3 days later she's confused and wants out of the relationship -3 days later she moves out of the house -3 days later I find out she is with this guy It kills me to know that someone I cared about so much and would have given the world to if I could just packed up and walked away so easily. I can't help but wonder how it was so easy for her to do this. She even said when we broke up "I love you, your my best friend and I will always remember you as being this amazing guy".. WTF, If I'm such an amazing guy then why did she bail on me without giving us a chance to work things out. So she left me, her best friend and amazing guy, our 2 dogs, my family and friends that treated her so great for what? She never met her father, her mother doesn't care about her and barely contacts her and she has one friend. I'm hurting, I really am. Its so hard right now because I am lonely and depressed and she (I'm assuming) is having the time of her life. I know things will get better, I do. I just wish I could see the tip of the mountain, a ray of sunshine, the light at the end of the tunnel. Tony Robbins sent a tweet out last night that said "U are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity 2 make the most important decision you will ever make. Who are U now? Who will you become?" It felt like it was a personal message he sent directly to me.
GrayClouds Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 (edited) Thanks GrayClouds. You've been really supportive and helpful with my posts. I'm trying really hard to be strong and move forward. The heartache and memories are killing me. I hate that I dream about her almost every night. They are not good dreams of us reconciling or anything like that. They are always dreams that she is still with this other guy and is rubbing it in my face. My mornings after are really hard because my mind then starts to think some of those things are real and thats who she really is as a person. I have to stay I am still in a period of shock, feels like all of this is a bad dream. I will never understand how someone can be in a 3yr relationship (living together for 2 of those years) and immediately jump head first into another relationship like the past 3 years didn't exist. I know 100% that I am not emotionally capable of dating right now, how can she be emotionally ready? It just your subconscious trying to help you heal, and in fact it appear its better job of seeing her for what she is then you are consciously. It sounds while she appeared quite different to you, in reality she does not allow herself depth. I call them surface dwellers, they are mile wide with personality and inch deep being personal. They can make you feel like your the most important thing in the world but deep down you really never where they are emotionally. I have said in my previous posts that their were no signs, some people don't believe that but I honestly didn't see any. Maybe I was blinded by love. It hurts me so much because I never in a million years would have thought my Ex could have or would have done this to me. I thought she loved me WAY too much. I'm not sure if you've read my previous posts, either way here are a few key points as to why this is such a shocker for me. She never met her father, her mother doesn't care about her and barely contacts her and she has one friend.She sounds as if she really never experienced real love when she was young. It is likely very painful to her and as an adult it is quite scary to here or she believes she does not deserve it now to her when she now experiences it. As much as it feels like she rejected you I suspect for her it is more that she is not ready to address the pain of not receiving it by those you was suppose to give it to her. The only way to receive it now would be to work though that pain. She simply not strong enough so running to a new distraction is easier. She very good at putting on the apperance of being happy but likely she is not. Again understand this is about her issues not you. If you see that then you understand, while it will still hurt because you did love deeply, there is little you could do to keep it together. She was able to show you your capacity to love she just was not able to show hers. Tony Robbins sent a tweet out last night that said "U are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity 2 make the most important decision you will ever make. Who are U now? Who will you become?" It felt like it was a personal message he sent directly to me. And understand that personal message will be follow by a price tag, there is nothing you can not do yourself that he can do for you. Ask yourself those question and make finding an answer your focus, it is how you will heal faster. Edited March 28, 2010 by GrayClouds
Rearden Metal Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 GC is really on point here. And a lot of what he's (he? right?) saying is true about my ex as well. pjl, your girl, like mine, is damaged goods. Bad parenting, bad upbringing. No exposure to real love. No understanding of empathy. Trouble communicating effectively. The part GC said about personality a mile wide but an inch deep especially hit home for me. They really do make you the most special person on the planet (while they're already moving on). Your girl didn't up and leave you pjl, she slowly left you but showed you no signs. She was gone but still feeding you. If you really need answers, read GC's last post over and over. I think he nailed it.
Author confused_pjl Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 My EX just sent me a FB message saying: "I hope things are going well. I was wondering if I can come by the house on friday (no this one but next) bc I submitted for an address change for my GST but I'm concerned it was too late. So if it doesn't come in the mail at my house...I will need to pick it up..orif someone can drop it off...sorry for being a pain. Thanks thou..." I know NC is the rule. Do I just ignore it and if it comes have someone drop it off? I hate this, as soon as I saw I received a message from her my heart fell to the pit of my stomach. I feel even worse now knowing the message is B.S.
Author confused_pjl Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Oh and to add to that, I obviously saw what her FB profile pic was because it shows it beside her message and its a pic of my dog. WTF?
Manutara Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Confused, as everyone above says, the problem isn't yours it's hers, and it sounds like she has serious commitment issues, and I speak from experience. From your brief description your situation sounds horrible, and I can see why you're suffering so much. Don't expect her to ever explain her actions like you feel you deserve, but do keep being the bigger man. Don't let her see you in pieces and don't let her straight back in if she tries...your best chance with someone with commitment issues is to completely shut the door on them and give them the impression that you're moving on with your life. Hopefully you can then do just that. Hang in there, man.
Rearden Metal Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 My EX just sent me a FB message saying: "I hope things are going well. I was wondering if I can come by the house on friday (no this one but next) bc I submitted for an address change for my GST but I'm concerned it was too late. So if it doesn't come in the mail at my house...I will need to pick it up..orif someone can drop it off...sorry for being a pain. Thanks thou..." I know NC is the rule. Do I just ignore it and if it comes have someone drop it off? I hate this, as soon as I saw I received a message from her my heart fell to the pit of my stomach. I feel even worse now knowing the message is B.S. It's ok to respond, but do it in an email if possible. Say something like "thanks I'm well, if your mail arrives here I'll have it delivered to you". Then, back to NC. This fulfills your obligation to her that she will get her belongings without engaging or allowing further talk.
LovelyDaze Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 It's ok to respond, but do it in an email if possible. Say something like "thanks I'm well, if your mail arrives here I'll have it delivered to you". Then, back to NC. This fulfills your obligation to her that she will get her belongings without engaging or allowing further talk. Exactly. And don't feed into any extras that your ex may bring up. It will all be just dangling carrots and BS. You will know it is if your ex "has" to contact you about something else like a favorite jacket, lost shoes, a ballpoint pen,etc.
Author confused_pjl Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 I hate that she contacted me, last night I was really upset and this morning I feel like crap. It also makes me angry that she is still putting pictures of my dog as her profile pic on FB. According to my mother she still has pics of us together on her FB photos as well. WTF.. It makes me want to tell her to take my damn pics of her FB and stop putting pics of my dog as your profile pic. She wanted out then be out completely and leave me and my life alone. I really hate that I have to respond back to that damn message. I don't want her to know how I am feeling wether its good or bad. Can I just send a reply back saying "If your GST arrives here I will have someone drop it off for you". I don't want to be nice, I don't want to be cold and I don't want her to know how I'm feeling. What are your thoughts? Also, how does this impact my NC. This tuesday would have been 7 weeks, Am I now back to Day 1?
Author confused_pjl Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 Today would have been 7 weeks NC if my Ex wouldn't have sent me that FB message. I still haven't replied to it yet. What I really want to say is "Don't contact me, stop putting a picture of MY dog as your profile pic on FB and get those damn pics of you and I off your FB. You wanted out of my life so stay out." I hate this. I wasn't doing great but I was doing better before she sent me that message. It really does set you back a bit. Its the nerve of her and it proves she is a selfish B****. All she is concerned about is getting her $90 GST check, no care for my feelings. I just wish she would leave me alone and let me move on with my life. I still don't understand why she keeps putting a pic of my dog as her FB profile pic and why she still has pics of the 2 of us on there. Its been 2 months that we've been broken up and that she's been with the new guy. Why is she doing this?
cdt76 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 GC is really on point here. And a lot of what he's (he? right?) saying is true about my ex as well. pjl, your girl, like mine, is damaged goods. Bad parenting, bad upbringing. No exposure to real love. No understanding of empathy. Trouble communicating effectively. The part GC said about personality a mile wide but an inch deep especially hit home for me. They really do make you the most special person on the planet (while they're already moving on). Your girl didn't up and leave you pjl, she slowly left you but showed you no signs. She was gone but still feeding you. If you really need answers, read GC's last post over and over. I think he nailed it. Good heavens did we date the same girl? I feel sick.
cdt76 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 As I know where your anger comes from, DO NOT let her know you are angry. The less she knows about how you are feeling the better. Don't look at her facebook because it doesn't matter what pictures she has up. I blasted my ex with everything in the book and I look back now and think that it would have been so much better if she were in the dark about how I was feeling. That way she doesn't know just how deeply you cared. She doesn't deserve to know. My recommendation is to not respond to the contact. If the check does come, have someone deliver it to her. If you respond then it will set you back even further because she will respond with something else that will set you off. Hell the check probably won't even come because she put the change of address in. Don't worry about it. Let it go and chalk it up to bread crumbs. Be strong my friend.
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Block Facy-facebook. What color are you going to paint the walls?
Author confused_pjl Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 So I've deleted her message and blocker her from FB. I'm not going to reply to it, I don't owe her anything and she doesn't deserve a response. If her check does arrive here I will have someone drop it off for her. I think I'm going to paint light beige. I'm also getting new area rugs, new pillows for the couch and putting up new pictures around the house. I need to be strong and push my thoughts of her out of my mind and move on with my life. Playing into her messages and the thoughts of them together will just make me worse.
GrayClouds Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 Very smart. beige sounds like a good idea, but I would suggest to go a bit darker then you think, it will give it a bit more of a "man cave" feel and with the pillow try to pick up some in leather... so all future ladies will know they are on your home court!
Author confused_pjl Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 LOL, I'm gonna Man Cave it up! So, I know my Ex is going to try to reach out again once she realizes that I'm ignoring her message. I assuming she will either create a new email address and send me an email, have her friend message me or contact my mother. If she emails me or has a friend message me I will do the same and ignore it. How should I handle it if she messages my mother? I told my mother a few weeks ago "NOT" to reply to any of my Ex's messages and to talk to me before she feels the urge to. Thoughts?
Rearden Metal Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 My thoughts are to start painting and to worry about other stuff as it comes.
GrayClouds Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 LOL, I'm gonna Man Cave it up! So, I know my Ex is going to try to reach out again once she realizes that I'm ignoring her message. I assuming she will either create a new email address and send me an email, have her friend message me or contact my mother. If she emails me or has a friend message me I will do the same and ignore it. How should I handle it if she messages my mother? I told my mother a few weeks ago "NOT" to reply to any of my Ex's messages and to talk to me before she feels the urge to. Thoughts? YES MAN CAVE ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Try to find a old cow skull to put on the wall. Just the touch. Other then that try think less about her and more about yourself. When you find yourself going there turn the focus on you, your painting, your workouts, your future.
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