turnstone Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 For those of you that actually have a life and can't remember my life story, I'm a BS, or rather an EX BS. My erstwhile husband (now EX husband) in brief, cheated on me, gave me an STD and then proceeded to spend what seems like his every waking moment, begging me, in one form or another, to take him back. Fortunately two organisations were able to benefit from his 'discrepancies', as he settled out of court for a considerable sum (oh, yes, he's very wealthy too. What is it about wealth and power that gives men the right to **** anything? That's rhetorical, by the way) and as I have been soiled enough by contact with him, I made sure the 'compensation' (as if any amount of money could make what he did, ok) was put to use elsewhere. Having been unable to achieve a moment's piece from this, I hesitate to call him a man, but that's what he is, I bought a dog, a big dog, to help dissuade him from visiting my apartment quite so often, and as that didn't work as effectively as I would have liked, finally made the decision to quit the country. Yes, I've emigrated and its the best thing I've ever done.... apart from I miss the dog I guess the most significant thing is that I was able to remain true to myself, my values and my beliefs, throughout the whole of this mess. Loveshack was part of that enablement, although it wasn't always supportive, infact I seem to remember a couple of times it was positively UNsupportive. But reading the car crash stories of affairs, the stories of BS's that have been hurt time and time again and, most importantly, the stories of the marriages that have survived to become a truly loving partnerships, helped me to put my big girl panties on and wise up. So, thanks
freestyle Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Glad to hear you're on the path to healing. As I recall , you made some insightful contributions when you were posting here. Hope you'll keep us posted on your progress........
boomboom63 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 So glad you feel that you made the right decision. Seriously what you have done is very very brave - well done for donning the "big girl panties" Big hugs to you xx
threebyfate Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Hey turnstone, glad to hear of another survivor of infidelity who found out that there's definitely a better life after divorce!!
Author turnstone Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 I'm glad you are getting on with your life. And I hope you found a good home for that big dog . Hopefully you can make an even better life for yourself than ever before. Yah, because of course once I didn't need her, I just booted her out on the streets to fend for herself... So glad you feel that you made the right decision. Seriously what you have done is very very brave - well done for donning the "big girl panties" Big hugs to you xx BoomBoom, thank you. I guess I don't feel I'm brave so much as a lacking imagination Glad to hear you're on the path to healing. As I recall , you made some insightful contributions when you were posting here. Hope you'll keep us posted on your progress........ That's a really lovely comment to make, thank you Freestyle. And I would love to update on my life, after all, I'm my favourite subject
MadMission Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I guess the most significant thing is that I was able to remain true to myself, my values and my beliefs, throughout the whole of this mess. I think this is exactly what troubles some BS for sometimes years after they feel they have R with their WS. Internally, the whole thing just doesn't feel right. That unsettled, uneasy feeling just never goes away. For someone who values loyalty, honesty, genuineness, integrity, etc, it feels like they have compromised themselves by tolerating the exact opposite in their lives from their WS. They are accepting the unacceptable....tolerating the intolerable. That comes at an emotional cost. You have maintained your dignity and self-respect by remaining true to yourself...your values and your beliefs. The life you have chosen is devoid of the things you likely wouldn't accept from anyone...let alone a husband. The choices you have made are consistant with and honor those values/beliefs. The external matches the internal. You are at peace. THAT is a wonderful thing. Good for you. :-)
stillafool Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 For those of you that actually have a life and can't remember my life story, I'm a BS, or rather an EX BS. My erstwhile husband (now EX husband) in brief, cheated on me, gave me an STD and then proceeded to spend what seems like his every waking moment, begging me, in one form or another, to take him back. Fortunately two organisations were able to benefit from his 'discrepancies', as he settled out of court for a considerable sum (oh, yes, he's very wealthy too. What is it about wealth and power that gives men the right to **** anything? That's rhetorical, by the way) and as I have been soiled enough by contact with him, I made sure the 'compensation' (as if any amount of money could make what he did, ok) was put to use elsewhere. Having been unable to achieve a moment's piece from this, I hesitate to call him a man, but that's what he is, I bought a dog, a big dog, to help dissuade him from visiting my apartment quite so often, and as that didn't work as effectively as I would have liked, finally made the decision to quit the country. Yes, I've emigrated and its the best thing I've ever done.... apart from I miss the dog I guess the most significant thing is that I was able to remain true to myself, my values and my beliefs, throughout the whole of this mess. Loveshack was part of that enablement, although it wasn't always supportive, infact I seem to remember a couple of times it was positively UNsupportive. But reading the car crash stories of affairs, the stories of BS's that have been hurt time and time again and, most importantly, the stories of the marriages that have survived to become a truly loving partnerships, helped me to put my big girl panties on and wise up. So, thanks I admire you so much for leaving his cheating butt. So many women do not have the "ovaries" to walk away and hold on to their values. I just admire you so much. My first husband cheated on me and I too walked away with him begging behind me. I never looked back and am remarried to a man who treats me with respect. So many women let fear keep them in a bad relationship and some say they hold on for the kids. I don't buy that because it does not make children feel safe when they constantly see Mommy upset because of daddy's bad deeds. You are especially special because you did not let his money make any difference in your decision. Basically you took away all of his power over you. Why aren't more women like us?
Spark1111 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I think my fWS did a reckless, stupid thing instead of seeking the therapy he needed during a very low point in our marriage. I forgave him and we both work hard everyday to make it right. That only works with a lot of patience and love and communication. If I did not instintually know that about his affair, I too would not be here. If I believed for one second he was some arrogant, self-entitled cake eater, I'd be long gone like you. That, to me, would represent a fundamental and rarely changeable flaw in the very core of a person's character. And who has the capacity or the desire to change or fix that? Certainly, love wouldn't be enough. You made the wise decision for you! Be proud of yourself.
Snowflower Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 I admire you so much for leaving his cheating butt. So many women do not have the "ovaries" to walk away and hold on to their values. I just admire you so much. My first husband cheated on me and I too walked away with him begging behind me. I never looked back and am remarried to a man who treats me with respect. So many women let fear keep them in a bad relationship and some say they hold on for the kids. I don't buy that because it does not make children feel safe when they constantly see Mommy upset because of daddy's bad deeds. You are especially special because you did not let his money make any difference in your decision. Basically you took away all of his power over you. Why aren't more women like us? Okay, I'm glad that your decision to leave your cheating first husband worked for you. I think many (if not most) times this is the best option for the woman. I just have a problem with the generalizations that are made here--so if a woman stays with a WS, she doesn't have the 'ovaries; (translated as 'b*lls' or guts) to leave and be true to herself? Maybe for some women, staying is the right way to be true for themselves. Who's to really say for sure what is best, except the woman involved as she makes her decision? For the record, I'm considering leaving my fWH at some point, so my thoughts here are not based on the fact that I stayed with my H after his betrayal. In fact, I'm considering doing the opposite...right now I'm thinking the pain he caused me is too much for me to overcome. However, I don't think that all marriages are unrecoverable based on what I have experienced. Each person is different. I just think asserting that a woman who experienced a horrible betrayal that she is not 'woman enough to leave' is projection. Some WH are very remorseful and are willing to do anything it takes to regain their marriage--I also know other WH are not 'sorry' and expect their BW to just get over it. Each person (woman) needs to make their own decision.
Spark1111 Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Okay, I'm glad that your decision to leave your cheating first husband worked for you. I think many (if not most) times this is the best option for the woman. I just have a problem with the generalizations that are made here--so if a woman stays with a WS, she doesn't have the 'ovaries; (translated as 'b*lls' or guts) to leave and be true to herself? Maybe for some women, staying is the right way to be true for themselves. Who's to really say for sure what is best, except the woman involved as she makes her decision? For the record, I'm considering leaving my fWH at some point, so my thoughts here are not based on the fact that I stayed with my H after his betrayal. In fact, I'm considering doing the opposite...right now I'm thinking the pain he caused me is too much for me to overcome. However, I don't think that all marriages are unrecoverable based on what I have experienced. Each person is different. I just think asserting that a woman who experienced a horrible betrayal that she is not 'woman enough to leave' is projection. Some WH are very remorseful and are willing to do anything it takes to regain their marriage--I also know other WH are not 'sorry' and expect their BW to just get over it. Each person (woman) needs to make their own decision. Agree SF! I have said repeatedly in therapy, and my therapist agrees, that it akes more courage to reconcile a marriage after infidelity than to walk away. It will only work as a proper relationship IF there is: a) true remorse b) the ability to forgive, love and build a new and better relationship c) communicating, intensive counseling and the ability of both partners to lead transparent lives with clearly defined boundaries. Not all CAN do this. Certainly, not all WANT to do this, as is their right to choose following an infidelity. It depends on the circumstances of the infidelity, IMHO.
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