processing Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I'm currently in NC with my ? as of a week. We were bumping heads too much and not agreeing on where things were going. When I asked where things were going, he always delayed answering and it started to feel like he was stringing me along. There was no talk of breaking up but there was so much anger from him in the last conversation we had, argument, I pretty much figure that that is that and told him that we needed some distance from one another because we keep arguing and it's not healthy. Yesterday he finally contacted me but his first sentence was angry and the second one was more calm, he stated he'd like to talk to me about some of the things I had brought up earlier. I did not contact him (yet) because I felt that his request for communication was confrontational. I have a feeling that he will also try to play the blame game or/and switch things so that I end up feeling bad and guilty. I do want to try to reconcile with him eventually but I am unsure how to approach it. I do believe that NC is a good thing in our situation. So I'm asking you if I should respond to his email yet? To see what he has to say? Or should I continue to keep NC up. I guess I'm just scared at this point in time that opening dialogue with him at the moment might cause more damage to the situation than there all ready is. Then again, I believe I need to remain strong and possibly just suck it up and see what he has to say? I guess I'm afraid of what I wrote above and words further damaging things until there's nothing left but hate. Please give me your thoughts and ideas on it.
ADF Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 The way you describe it, the dynamic between you two is pretty bad and always has been. Think hard before you decide to reconcile. What is gonna be different now?
spriggig Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 I guess I'm just scared at this point in time that opening dialogue with him at the moment might cause more damage to the situation than there all ready is. Then again, I believe I need to remain strong and possibly just suck it up and see what he has to say? The NC rules for re-contact are he sets the topic and you expect nothing. You politely follow along in the conversation and if he makes no moves toward reconciliation within an hour or so, you excuse yourself and get on with your day. Your position is that you are happy without him and you might take him back or you might not. You do not miss him, he misses you because he contacted you. He is handing you back the power in the relationship, use it wisely.
Author processing Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 The way you describe it, the dynamic between you two is pretty bad and always has been. Think hard before you decide to reconcile. What is gonna be different now? Not always. Just in the last couple of months since I've brought up taking things to the next step. I will think hard. He'd have to show me it's something he really wants. Spriggig - Soooo since he did contact me. So are you saying that you would think it's okay to see what he wants, rather than to continue to "ignore him"? And also, if the conversation is steered towards any direction that feels uncomfortable to me, I should politely bail? I have been thinking of responding to him via email or text to let him know that I am available to talk. (When I am)
spriggig Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Not always. Just in the last couple of months since I've brought up taking things to the next step. I will think hard. He'd have to show me it's something he really wants. Spriggig - Soooo since he did contact me. So are you saying that you would think it's okay to see what he wants, rather than to continue to "ignore him"? And also, if the conversation is steered towards any direction that feels uncomfortable to me, I should politely bail? I have been thinking of responding to him via email or text to let him know that I am available to talk. (When I am) Yes, you have put him off and put him off. That shows him that you aren't waiting by the phone for him to call. If he makes you feel uncomfortable at all he's doing something really wrong and may not want you back and might even be trying to manipulate you(?) MEET him and SHOW him how fantastic you look and how happy you are (implied: happy without him). Let him do the talking. Say as little as possible, just to prompt him along, deflect questions about yourself, talking about yourself is not why you're there. At this meeting you want him to leave feeling like he just put himself out there and you were polite but mostly indifferent. That's him taking a step toward you. Next meeting, if he takes another step toward you in the same fashion, you then put out a little of yourself--let him know you're wavering a little. It has to be a slow process--if you move too quickly toward him, he might see you as needy or start to feel like he's walking into a trap and possibly be turned off.
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