Going Back to Mail and Phone Calls Feels Harder Than Ever.

[Spiritofnow]

Hey!

 

I am new on here. Being in an LDR is something only other people in the same situation can relate too. I guess, I am hoping to hear some validation or some replies that will confirm that how I feel is acceptable.

 

I understand the psychological dynamics that an LDR can bring about. The coming and going part --attachment, grief, sadness, and more. I have been in my LDR for two years. We met online and then met in RL a year after that. We have visited each other 4 times in the last year. I have met his family who are wonderful and he fits in just fine with my family dynamics. We have only ever managed to visit for 10 days at a time due to both our commitments. This visit I was absolutely dreading him leaving as now I am more aware of how this works I know what I am letting myself in for -- weeks and weeks of mails, twitters and phone calls and after a while I get so frustrated with that dynamic.

 

He left yesterday and I have been really good at allowing myself to feel the feelings I feel....I just feel so bored with all the distance and the virtual communication.

 

We have been really inventive when we are apart, but sometimes if he is busy it feels like a one way street and I get bored of trying for the both of us. When we are together he is really attentive and thoughtful and when he is not busy he is the same. I guess I struggle when things get hectic and our lines of communication are compromised.

 

I do love him and, well, he is everything I have ever wanted in a partner and I know that itself can pull me through, I just feel so tired with the emotional ups and downs that come with an LDR.

 

I am so over living in a virtual world.

 

Ugh! Sorry. Maybe I should wait until I more settled after our visit.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Spiritofnow]

Thanks, so much for your response, LisaLee,

 

You described EXACTLY how I feel - when we are together I feel relieved that I am away from the computer and my phone. I hardly go on at all when he is here apart to work. Being mindful that this is all temporary is a good technique only it's harder when you are unsure as to how long you will have to endure those dynamics. We have discussed our long-term plans, but nothing is set in stone yet.

 

It's such a confusing feeling loving someone, but also wanting to distance yourself from them because they are in part responsible for the painful stimulus. We are usually always a team, but right now all I want to do is to protect myself from these feelings, which is in part due to an LDR, but also the complexities of being a person with all kinds of history.

 

Being in an LDR seems way more risky than a more conventional relationship. I feel envious of my friends who are living their lives with each other every day in the here and now. The most frustrating part is that I know that if I choose I can overcome these feelings, but sometimes they feel stronger than my will to do that. I knew it was going to be tough I just never realised quite how tough.

 

I will not see him now until the end of July, which just makes me want to cry. I am usually such a positive person and I am struggling a little with these feelings. Perhaps, I just need to be patient and give myself some time.

 

I am lucky to have found someone as special as him, but all this emotional turmoil is a real test.

[marionthelibrarian]

I can totally relate, having just returned from seeing him for 6 days. We get along fabulously when we are together, but apart?... it's not great, I have to admit. The lack of effort to communicate does get to me sometimes. We've talked about it, but it always goes back to the same pattern.

 

I've decided until I have some clarity about his true feelings for me, I'm going to focus on the life I have here and not worry so much about the outcome, because it will be what it will be. And I don't know how long that will be either. I'm willing to see how this transpires and in a few months, maybe six, see where we stand. A year seems to me like a good effort to find out if we'll be in this for the long haul.

 

In the meantime, as I've posted before, I must live for today because these moments in my life with my children, family and friends will not come back. Sorry, that's a 50 yr old talking who is looking at all that has transpired over 50 years and realizing time - NOW - is all we have.

[Spiritofnow]

'Here and now' are wise words, marionthelibrarian,

 

If I allow it the time difference can suck away my here and now - constantly waiting to be in his time. We are 6 hours apart in time difference, he is 6 hours behind me living in the States. Sometimes that makes it all the more frustrating waiting for him to call, mail or twitter when my day is nearly over. Especially, when we have pertinent things to discuss.

 

I feel like I am doing a disservice to LDR's as I have come on here at a time in our relationship when I am struggling with the LD.

 

I said to him in a mail earlier that I know how I feel about him, but whilst we are in an LDR I do struggle with that dynamic - it makes it harder to find your truths as a couple when you are unable to spend time together in a consistent manner.

 

However, the beauty of an LDR is that we have learned so much about each other due to the nature of the forms of communication that you have to rely on -- I mean, there are less external distractions. It's just you and them, and it allows you to really get to know someone on a deeper level - plus getting to 2 years in an LDR means we do have a strong bond.

 

Nevertheless, I am struggling right now. I know I am a self-sufficient independent women and I am definitely not defined by my relationship, but nonetheless it really tests me. I was wondering earlier if there are people who are perhaps more suited to the dynamics of and LDR than others? He works really, really hard and immerses himself in his job so I think he finds the distance easier in some ways as it allows him to be that person. I think he is validated as a person by the measure of his work, whereas I perhaps, feel like I am making a difference in the world by working at having healthy happy relationships. I think it depends on the types of support you have too. I am not close with any of my family and have a few friends from University, whereas he has extremely strong ties with his family so he perhaps receives emotional nourishment from them. I am aware of being careful of not making our relationship 'everything' to me.

 

LDR's are very different from conventional relationships and require a lot of work and mindfulness, but I am sure the rewards will far outweigh the cons. I think we all just need a place where we can let off some steam and be okay with having a moan. Sometimes this world is so caught up in pursuing happiness that it disempowers people by not letting them feel okay with having the balance of good and not so good. Right now I am not feeling quite so good, but I know that that state of being is transient and with the opportunity to express myself I will move through these feelings with ease.

 

I think you are right to be mindful of what you have in your here and now, but I would also say that without taking risks life would be rather dull and none of us would grow is individuals.

[Spiritofnow]

Life is all about balance - not 'all or nothing' thinking. A balance of the things that make you happy. I guess getting that balance in an LDR can be a little bit more tricky, but I believe if we are with people who enhance our happiness, and are not purely a source to 'make' us happy that we will find the balance we are looking for.

 

I am trying to help myself and not make him responsible for my feelings. I know we are a team and I am sure he will meet me half way at finding a way to get that balance.

 

I think that is the best we can ask for - some help.

 

This forum is a source of comfort...knowing that I am not the only crazy fool putting myself through the ups and downs that come with an LDR, and hearing all different kinds of stories and ways to deal with those dynamics.

 

I think communicating with others is a way for us to hear ourselves.

[marionthelibrarian]

Oh I totally agree! No one has all the answers! For one, coming here is not a disservice. I don't know of anyone who "prefers" a LDR. It helps to know we're not alone.

 

And we are taking the risk, right? Right now, I think it's worth the risk. I do find myself pitiful though, after just having seen him and having a wonderful time, to feel so down like this. Not because I don't know when I will see him next but, I truly don't know how deeply he feels about me. And I tell myself, well... it just needs time to develop... besides all the other things he has to deal with right now. So I'm finding that I have to be more patient than I'm used to being. Its like - "I wanna know right now!" But I can't, can I? And I don't know what I'm allowed to expect or if I can expect anything at all.

 

You have 2 years of this, and it sounds like you're both in this for each other. That's a good thing, no? Do you two have a goal?

[Spiritofnow]

I do find myself pitiful though, after just having seen him and having a wonderful time, to feel so down like this. Not because I don't know when I will see him next but, I truly don't know how deeply he feels about me. And I tell myself, well... it just needs time to develop... besides all the other things he has to deal with right now. So I'm finding that I have to be more patient than I'm used to being. Its like - "I wanna know right now!" But I can't, can I? And I don't know what I'm allowed to expect or if I can expect anything at all.

 

You have 2 years of this, and it sounds like you're both in this for each other. That's a good thing, no? Do you two have a goal?

 

I have an issue with the patience thing and I think that is because in an LDR you do not get the same cues you get when you are in a conventional relationship - instant gratification. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, little gestures, just being together without having to talk. I think the lack of those physical aspects makes it all feel more like 'guess' work.

 

We have been conditioned to interpret how someone feels by all the senses and sometimes an LDR feels like you are blindfolded. I think you will establish your boundaries and goals over time - that is what happened with my LDR. At first we decided to become exclusive with each other and it grew from there. We have talked about me moving over there and he mentioned applying for a finacee visa for me, but we have not decided anything at all.

 

I think we are both mindful of not rushing in. He wants everything to be right between us because I would be giving up so much by moving out there. Some of those unknowns make the LDR a little more stressful.

 

It's almost like you have to be more concise about your intentions than in a conventional relationship in order to feel okay with the distance.

 

I think it is one of the most important aspects of an LDR - each decision you make together makes the risks seem less risky and the future more tangible.

 

I think you are doing the right thing researching and looking into how this can feel and work for people. I had no idea that there is actual scientific research on the emotional stages people go through while in an LDR until I started looking on the net. I wanted to understand why after a visit I felt almost depressed for a while - its like separation anxiety and grief. I have a paper on it if you would like to have a look?

Edited March 27, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[marionthelibrarian]

Yes! Concise about your intentions. Bang on! So I will not know for however long... it's just how long I'm willing to wait to hear the words I want to hear so I know how to move forward.

 

But I no longer have separation anxiety and grief because I have reigned in my emotions, not knowing how he feels.

 

So, can I assume you both know how you feel about each other? And do you ever wonder if he still cares because of this distance? Or do you get the comfort you need when you communicate with him?

[Spiritofnow]

You know, I was thinking about you saying you will have to wait to hear what you need to hear, and this is where I am; he may be thinking the same thing? If you feel ready to make some kind of commitment then perhaps he does??? Perhaps, you could take the conversation to that place? I know one night when we were on the phone I so desperately wanted to say goodbye by saying 'I love you' to him - I just realised that that was how I felt about him. He could sense that I was feeling that way and told me he felt the same way. Usually, if both people are working at a relationship there will be some synchronisity regarding your emotional feelings towards each other. I work hard on not assuming anything.

 

I guess, as he has travelled 4000miles on three separate occasions and helped finance my 1st visit it's hard to wonder whether he really cares for me. I know he does, but saying that I still have times when I feel a little more sensitive or vulnerable and the distance does make those times harder. I tell him how I am feeling as I figure if we are to build a relationship on trust that I should be able to trust him with my feelings. He has always been wonderful at reassuring me. I tried my best to take responsibility for my own feelings, and I try my best to let him know how I feel. I think that works better for us than assuming why one of us feels a certain way and making more out of something you could just be honest about. Relationships are about taking risks, right! Ha! : )

Edited March 27, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[marionthelibrarian]

Well mine is a bit different. I told him I love him. So many things I love about him. He even asked, "are you saying you love me?" But I told him certain things I would never say first over the phone. So when we did get together again, I did tell him I loved him. Not long after that, he said to me "are you upset because I haven't said I love you?" And pretty truthfully, I told him, "No. I respected him more for not saying it because he felt he had to. And I never wanted to hear those words from his mouth unless he really did feel it." And afterwards, I would say it because I wanted to. I wanted him to know how I felt. He always told me it did not bother him that I said it.

 

Now much time has gone on and I have not heard those words. And I don't "feel" like he loves me, despite how wonderful our time is together. I thought surely by now I would know where his feelings are at or, at the very least, that he would have said it. So that is the "concise" thing I am waiting for.

 

In the beginning, we were sad getting off the phone. Now, it's just an acceptance. As a result, I have not said it anymore - because of it not being reciprocated.

 

I guess I assumed, since it's been 2 years for you, that you had both expressed that to each other.

[pandagirl]

I dated my boyfriend for two months, until he moved away because of his job, and now we've been apart for two months. I've never been in a LDR, and it's definitely challenging and not for everyone.

 

I've accepted that on some days I will feel close to him; other days, he might feel distant. Some days I might question things and other days I feel secure. But, I think, having these feelings is normal. Especially in the beginning of a LDR when you're figuring out everything.

 

On the days when I'm feeling down, I ask myself: "Is my life better with him in it?" And the answer is always: Yes.

 

I just got back from a visit about a week ago. It sucked to leave, but instead of focusing on your time apart, think about how great things are when you're together. I think that's a better indicator of the strength of your relationship!

[marionthelibrarian]

 

On the days when I'm feeling down, I ask myself: "Is my life better with him in it?" And the answer is always: Yes.

 

I just got back from a visit about a week ago. It sucked to leave, but instead of focusing on your time apart, think about how great things are when you're together. I think that's a better indicator of the strength of your relationship!

 

I ask myself that same question which is why I continue. Or "How would I feel without him in my life?" and I just don't want to know.

 

As for how you are together, I think you've got a great point. Humans thrive naturally toward physical relationships and interaction. So we're not exactly experts at carrying on distance relationships.

[Spiritofnow]

On the days when I'm feeling down, I ask myself: "Is my life better with him in it?" And the answer is always: Yes.

 

The same is true for me, Pandagirl.

 

I just got back from a visit about a week ago. It sucked to leave, but instead of focusing on your time apart, think about how great things are when you're together. I think that's a better indicator of the strength of your relationship!

 

This is the part I have trouble with. Ever since we began visiting each other every visit has left me with the same feelings -- overwhelmed, unsettled emotions, like I want to protect myself from him even though I intellectually understand that he is not the issue. My feelings of loss and change overwhelm me and I feel cross that he has left.

 

I am trying to resolve this because he is the man I want to be with. I love him and he loves me.

[Spiritofnow]

You guys have been so helpful. It's amazing how sharing makes this all feel so much better. I told my bf about me using a forum to thrash out my feelings and he totally supports me. He told me that he is there to hear me and support me when I feel like this, which makes feeling like this all that much easier to work through. I am one lucky girl.

 

Pandagirl, you said; " I just got back from a visit about a week ago. It sucked to leave, but instead of focusing on your time apart, think about how great things are when you're together. I think that's a better indicator of the strength of your relationship!"

The part I have highlighted in bold was a key factor in helping me understand the way I have been viewing our distance and why. Thank you

 

LisaLee, when I say mail I do mean email (a UK term). We had a chat tonight about our future plans and a rough time line. It helped me a lot and I asked him if we could have more of those kind of chats -- just talking about the possibilities and the things we would like for the future. I think the lack of talk makes it seem scarier and less tangible.

 

I did try webcam on msn once, but I felt really uncomfortable and it made me miss him more, perhaps we could try again. We have date nights and watch a dvd together, we have created our own wiki, which we call monkey island and we create pages and ddicsussion topics on there. We play virtual games together and have even created a second life account so we can travel and actually share experiences rather than just talking. We even started a game called 'what's in the box?' and would send a mystery parcel wrapped in a little box without telling each other when we were doing it. I think we have been really resourceful, but face to face maybe what we need now we are 2 years in. You are so lucky to have all that time. Our window is much smaller, but we do try to work in a long chat on the weekends and we send tweets throughout our days.

 

I am so grateful for everything you have shared. I don't know anyone else in an LDR. It can be so consuming at times, but when it comes down to it he is worth it. ; )