Johnootes Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 We were great friends for five years. We became lovers. We had a whirlwind relationship. We were so right for each other. We called one another “the love of my life”, “ my one true love”, etc. We got married. It was great except we tried to blend a family of three teenage girls and a 5 year old girl. It caused many problems but nothing that wouldn’t be expected. Last November, it all went south. She met someone and although she denied it – she was in an affair. She kept one foot in his house and one in mine until I had enough. In January, she came and got the rest of her things and moved in with the OM completely. Her teenage daughter has been through many cycles of this throughout her life. It seems her mother changes partners every three years or so. So, her daughter is now old enough to say no – I’m not leaving this time. She (daughter) chooses to stay with me. I am ok with it but it does keep me from completely not knowing anything about what is happening in the stbxw’s life. My question is why does the stbxw behave hostile towards me? I am the dumpee! Please, I know I am not supposed to even care or try to figure psychopathic behavior out but I’m just curious. I am completely NC as possible. I answer her in one or two words if she texts me. I never call, email or txt her first. She left her wedding dress (ripped up the back) in my garbage can. I’m sure it was there for me to find. She is as nasty as possible whenever she can be. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m not hurting enough for her. Again, please spare me the – you shouldn’t care responses- I already know that. I just want to know if anyone has any experience like this.
jerrytodd Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 She left her wedding dress (ripped up the back) in my garbage can. I’m sure it was there for me to find. She is as nasty as possible whenever she can be. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m not hurting enough for her. Again, please spare me the – you shouldn’t care responses- I already know that. I just want to know if anyone has any experience like this. Was she generally an angry person in situations with somewhat low self esteem? It is her way of protecting herself and pushing you away because she cant face her behaviour or her issues. She is running away from them - new men, same old issues arise each time. Yes, I am 51 days NC from the same sort of person. She broke my heart and then has been angry ever since then with me. She is in self defense mode. I am lucky I never married mine. The fog of the relationship and great sex screwed me up. You seem OK and in a better place than her. Congrats and feel free to read about my messy situation - the original post is me heartbroken, the ones later decribing her behaviours is closer to what you are experiencing.
Author Johnootes Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 She is generally a selfish person. If she is low self-esteem she hides it well. I thought maybe it was some type of defense mechanism. Surely, the path she's taken needs justification in her mind. That can't be easy unless I'm a bad guy. Hence, in her mind, I have to be that guy. Thanks.
donh58 Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Yes I have had some experience with this sort of thing. I am married for the second time and my first wife acted some what the same. You see my ex wife had 2 girls already when we were married. We were together about 5 years when she apparently met some other guy and was having an affair. I confronted her about it but that's when she really came at me as if I were the one cheating. I thought about it for a while and near as I can figure The reason she acted that way is because of the big G word, "GUILT". It was guilt that made her come at me like I were the heavy, like I were the one cheating not her. So you you see it's her way of dealing with her guilt. Nothing more nothing less. SO just stay strong and things will work out for you in the long run. I have been there and done that.
Perhaps Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 If you say she does cyclically - leave a guy, etc., then maybe she's doing this to ease whatever guilt she may feel. Some people get defensive to cover their back. I suspect she's a rather manipulative person as well.
Author Johnootes Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Don/Perhaps, thanks for your replies. At first glance I thought that maybe I was dealing with simple psychotic behavior in which the person feels no guilt. You both could be right. This behavior may be a defense mechanism employed to stuff down any twinges of conscience. In any case - its sad and very confounding.
jerrytodd Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I asked a psych nurse about this behaviour and she said maybe borderline personaility disorder which can be treated with meds. I then looked up the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and from the wiki page I saw this and said "bingo": "It has been suggested that narcissistic personality disorder may be related to defenses against shame. Glen Gabbard suggested NPD could be broken down into two subtypes. He saw the "oblivious" subtype as being grandiose, arrogant and thick-skinned and the "hypervigilant" subtype as easily hurt, oversensitive and ashamed". Mine was the latter - there is much literature on it but sadly it is almost not treatable - how could someone who is never wrong need treatment??
Recommended Posts