late update:

[DNR]

Hi all,

I last posted back in January. This is an update that I need some insight on or maybe just to be told to move on.

 

Back in January my MM was divorcing. Papers were signed, things finalized and away we go. Things had been good. We were together every chance we had, he was practically living with me on the weeks he didn't have his kids, he's got a lot of stuff at my house, we took small trips, concerts, etc. all the fun things you do as a couple.

 

This February he asked me to be his GF and I told him to please be sure it was what he wanted and he said it was. He said he loves and wants to be with me. He started telling me he loved me in September of 09 and this was 2 1/2 years into the affair. I really believe that he is sincere about his feelings for me and has been.

 

So ok...2 weeks later we go to lunch and he tells me that he needs to be alone, be by himself, that his kids aren't adjusting well the divorce..(I might add that they've only told the kids that mommy and daddy aren't gong to be together anymore and that things aren't going to be the way they used to be. They haven't used the D word.) He needs to concentrate on helping the kids adjust, they like me and he doesn't want them to hate me or think I was the reason for their break up......light bulb.....I AM....

Anyway, so after he breaks it off from me, he calls me a couple of days later telling me he misses me and misses talking to me etc. So I go to see him. We started talking and he mentions we really never did break up, I mentioned that as many times as he's tried to break it off with me, (this last time was #4 in the relationship) for whatever crazy reason we always end up back together again. He said it's because he know he wants to be with me. So we start talking again.

 

This past weekend he really didn't call much. On Saturday when he did call the conversation consisted of him basically telling me he doesn't want my advise or my help. I didn't take it personally and I said fine. I'm a nurse so it's in nature to 'help'. I was hurt over the comment but I understood he needs to figure it out on his own. I briefly talked to him on Sunday and I totally avoided his calls on Monday. I started thinking that he needs time to figure things out, not to mention I didn't want to be his rebound relationship. So I finally talk to him on Tuesday and break up #5 in underway. He started telling me that this kid thing is really hard on him, they aren't sleeping, they are crying themselves to sleep every night, he needs to be by himself to figure things out, etc. He said he loves me and we both deserve something real in our relationship and if continues trying to give me something he can't he's afraid he'll lose me in the process and he doesn't want that. So I said ok. Today it's Friday, I haven't heard from him, but not really expecting to.

 

I guess I want to hear that he will come back to me. that in the end we will be together. He has in the past. He's always come back. The fairy tale part of me says it's because he loves me, the rational part and the part I don't want to believe is that I've allowed him to break it off and I've always been there for him, and he knows that, and it is possible he's taking advantage of that. But can he really let 3 years go down the drain???

 

When we are together we are both so happy. It's painfully obvious. People can really tell he's in love with me and that I love him. So do I wait for him again? what do I do if he calls? What's the time frame to move on if he doesn't call? I realize that we can't predict the future, but any ideas or advise?

 

DNR

[awkward]

My advice is to take an extended break from him until he is more stable and divorced. He sounds confused. Would you take this on and off from a single man?

[califnan]

From your story - it sounds like he just wants to keep you Roped. More than understandably, he is torn because of his children - and maybe his wife as well.. He knows you always receive him back ... but he wants it all: You - as well as his family..

 

When you decide you have had enough.. you will make your exit .. But for now, all I can say is for you to back off - for your own sake, sanity .. .. He doesn't deserve it all: a mistress and a family ..

[DNR]

no you're right , i wouldn't take it from a single man. thanks

[DNR]

i have thought about that. just keeping me around for his convenience. i understand it's tearing him apart thinking he's hurt his children. As for his wife, she knows about me and they don't really communicate other than the immediate needs of the kids. You're right, i do take him back. every time......

[xpaperxcutx]

You asked if he would really throw 3 years down the drain... but then again how long has he been with his wife and children?

 

A guy like him is selfish, he doesn't know what he wants, and in the frenzy, he's dragging both his family and you into it. Of course you can't help him since he's being stubborn, but you have to give it thought that suppose there comes a time when he won't come back?

[awkward]

That's why I asked about taking this crap from a single man. It's ok for him to hurt you and jerk you and your relationship around because he doesn't want to hurt his kids? BTW, he IS hurting his kids.

 

People get divorced and kids survive that. If they didn't there wouldn't be many divorces right? Parents always say they'd take a bullet for their kids. And I believe they would. Why they can't choose to get divorced before they get girl/boyfriends blows my mind.

 

Single guys can't get away with being so selfish because single women won't put up with it. If a single guy dumped you five times, he would be gone. I doubt he would have got to #2 break-up. What is wrong with this picture?

 

Most importantly to you and your life, he is hurting you. How does he reconcile hurting you? How do you reconcile allowing it?

 

And he will be back.

[whichwayisup]

So he left and moved more or less straight in with you ... No time alone during the D or right after the D.

 

I don't know how anyone can expect a new relationship to work so soon after a D.

 

Also, you two were and still are in affair mode dynamtic.

 

Back off completely and YOU tell him not to call or see you for atleast 6 months so he can BE ALONE and figure things out, help his kids adjust.

 

It honestly seems he didn't think this through and didn't realize how hard it would be, the D, being away from his kids, dealing with their pain and adjustment of losing the family unit as one.

 

He needs this time, so give it to him. It doesn't have to end so badly, just be put on "hold". BUT, give him a time limit as you don't want to be waiting for two years for him..

[fooled once]

So he is divorced?

 

Where does he live?

 

And the kids don't know they are divorced? How old are the kids? What is he telling you to stop advising him about? The divorce?

 

Honestly, he keeps doing this to you because you let him.

 

I don't see how any woman could keep "taking a break" like this. WHY do you allow it? Please don't say "because I love him". Love isn't treating someone like this. Love isn't the flip flopping.

 

If he loves you, then he wants to be with you.

 

You are telling him it is okay for him to keep doing this to you because you keep accepting it.

 

What are his ACTIONS telling you? Follow those, not his words.

 

I would back completely off. Something tells me, you are just the exit affair and the rebound girl and when it comes down to it, you and he won't be together a year from now.

 

Until you DEMAND the respect you deserve, he is going to continue to keep doing this. I also don't buy the "we can't stay broken up". That is crap, IMHO. You are CHOOSING to tell him it is okay for him to do this to you. Like you said, you wouldn't take it from a single guy -- which he is, right? So why are you taking it?

 

And I agree with this

 

You asked if he would really throw 3 years down the drain... but then again how long has he been with his wife and children?

 

he has shown you he can do this. I understand you not wanting to let go, but how much longer are you going to accept this treatment from him? How much longer are you going to play the game of break up?

[DNR]

hi fooled once:

 

He is divorced, paper signed and filed.

 

Ironically he lives basically the next street over. If there was no fence separating the property we could see earch others houses.

 

Last I spoke to him they had told the kids that things weren't going to be like they were before and that mommy and daddy aren't together. When he and I had this conversation he had said he didn't use the 'D' word. I did tell him he was putting himself in a bad place, especially if his kids found out. I'm afraid if they find out they will no longer be able to trust teir father, but i guess that's his problem.

 

His son is in the 3rd grade and his daughter in the 5th. I see them everyday.....I'm the district nurse.

 

He would ask me what I thought about how to deal with his ex wife, the kids, how he should tell them, if they don't do well how should he handle it. Stuff like that. (I guess my problem is that my immediate instict is to want to help and make things better by giving advice or just taking care of it myself. I guess that's why I'm a nurse.) You see, I've been throught this. I had 4 kids, 2 step children and 2 of our own. It absolutely killed me to have to put those kids through a second divorce. (I was his 2nd wife) I had to tell them by myself without daddy about the divorce. So that's where the advise was coming from. I never nagged him about the divorce, i never told him to leave her for me.

 

I know i contiunue to let him do this to me....This morning he showed up at my door because he said he needed a certain shirt that he had apparently left at my house. He came in got his shirt, tried to make small talk but i was a bit cold to him, he gave me a long hard hug and kissed me and left. He told me to have a good day. UGH!!!!!

 

I do love him, and you are right, the way I'm being treated isn't love. What am I supposed to believe when his actions are him inching his way back into my life and then abruptly saying 'peace out'. His actions are now telling me he is a mess. He got himself into this major cluster f*#% and doesn't know what to do.

[MizzBlue72]

OMG DNR - this is my situation - except I have the kid!!

I have wondered for awhile if he will do this (need his alone time).

I have suggested to him that he may need to have his alone time - although, it would kill me. I want him to be happy, and to heal. I want all the great things in life that life can give him. But I am selfish - and I want him to be with me, to stay with me. And, when he tells me he needs his space, and I am almost 100% sure some days that he will tell me this - I don't know what I will do.

 

OK - that sounds pathetic - I know it does. But, it is true.

 

We have been together almost 1.5 yrs. We do the same as you - and we live for the weekends that we have together.

 

My girlfriends tell me to not introduce him to my kid - and he agrees, and so do I. That is not even on the table. They also tell me to relax, and have fun. to nnot expect anything to come from this.

 

I am having fun. As long as I don't think too much in the future - I am great. If I think in the future - I freak, and get jittery.

 

Your story is exactly what I have been dreading to read ......

Damn. I am so sorry.

[Lauriebell82]

You're right, i do take him back. every time......

 

That's your problem right there. He knows that he can just come slithering back to you and you will take him back.

 

I love the line about him not really breaking up with you! That's such b.s. He has convinced himself that he can have momentary "lapses" and doubt your relationship then change his mind and come back. You really shouldn't let him do that to you. He won't stop and it will keep happening.

 

It sounds like there is too much drama in his life right now and he is incredibly selfish. He doesn't deserve your loyalty or devotion. I agree with the others that you should distant yourself from him for now. Maybe then he will realize that he can't walk all over you..but I doubt it.

[2sunny]

hi fooled once:

 

He is divorced, paper signed and filed.

 

Ironically he lives basically the next street over. If there was no fence separating the property we could see earch others houses.

 

Last I spoke to him they had told the kids that things weren't going to be like they were before and that mommy and daddy aren't together. When he and I had this conversation he had said he didn't use the 'D' word. I did tell him he was putting himself in a bad place, especially if his kids found out. I'm afraid if they find out they will no longer be able to trust teir father, but i guess that's his problem.

 

His son is in the 3rd grade and his daughter in the 5th. I see them everyday.....I'm the district nurse.

 

He would ask me what I thought about how to deal with his ex wife, the kids, how he should tell them, if they don't do well how should he handle it. Stuff like that. (I guess my problem is that my immediate instict is to want to help and make things better by giving advice or just taking care of it myself. I guess that's why I'm a nurse.) You see, I've been throught this. I had 4 kids, 2 step children and 2 of our own. It absolutely killed me to have to put those kids through a second divorce. (I was his 2nd wife) I had to tell them by myself without daddy about the divorce. So that's where the advise was coming from. I never nagged him about the divorce, i never told him to leave her for me.

 

I know i contiunue to let him do this to me....This morning he showed up at my door because he said he needed a certain shirt that he had apparently left at my house. He came in got his shirt, tried to make small talk but i was a bit cold to him, he gave me a long hard hug and kissed me and left. He told me to have a good day. UGH!!!!!

 

I do love him, and you are right, the way I'm being treated isn't love. What am I supposed to believe when his actions are him inching his way back into my life and then abruptly saying 'peace out'. His actions are now telling me he is a mess. He got himself into this major cluster f*#% and doesn't know what to do.

 

is the divorce FINAL? if it's final - why aren't they telling the truth to the kids?

 

this is important. why with hold that truth? his actions seem that he is still married - maybe HE is the one having a hard time facing the reality of not being married to her any longer.

 

looks that way.

 

his actions state to you that YOU are not HIS priority. until he changes that - there is nothing to do.

 

unless you want to be the constant 3rd, 4th or 5th placed priority in his life forever - do not correspond with him at all.

 

he's also playing such a babyish game by dropping by to get something. pack ALL his things and leave him a message that it will all be at the curb for four hours. if he doesn't pick it up by that time... you take it to a donation center.

 

THAT might send him a clear message that you aren't putting up with his games any longer.

[GreenEyedLady]

He doesn't take you seriously because you aren't serious.

 

Put the writing on the wall.

 

Do NOT answer his calls or texts or emails. You are making it easy on him.

 

If he is playing the Kids not taking it well card, then call his bluff. Tell him that you're sorry that it's worked out that way and you're moving on.

 

Then do it. Go out, date and make new friends. If he was serious, he'd make it happen. People divorce every day and it's hard on EVERYONE'S kids. But it still happens.

 

Don't let him engage you, don't argue or beg. Be strong and make him yesterday's news.

 

GEL

[DNR]

Hi Gel,

 

I was hoping you'd write.

 

i've already decided that i'm not going to beg. The big problem is that we live in a very small comunity, everyone knows we are dating because he knows everyone and they were asking him, i see his kids everyday, he is a very active parent in the school, i have to see him a lot because of activites, whether it's school stuff, admin stuff, or community stuff. it's really hard. He is also prominent and well known and so am I.

 

Today for example, people in supprt for an issue involving the school were out on the corners for support. He shows up, I have to act like everything is ok with us because people here have nothing better to do than to talk about everyone. i don't need people thinking, ha, ha, that's what she gets, it didn't work out. I realize it's petty. He tried to talk to me but I was trying to avoid him as best as could. He came up behind me was, bumping into me, etc. I caught him watching me, and smiling at me quite a few times.

 

After we were finished everyone went to eat. I wasn't going to go but then i realized that would cause talking. He sat next to me, we talked as if nothing was wrong, he was acting like we do when we were together, the looks he gives me, he ended up paying for my meal, was getting my money and he gave it to me and told me to pay the bill. I asked him if was going to wait for his change and he said with yours there won't be any. At the table I was really uncomfortable. My brother and my sister in law saw that. afterwards we walked out and he followed me. He comes to my car and just stares at me. I said, "what?" He plays his little what what game, trying to gain time. i asked him if he was going to say anything, he says no and then he says, I'll call you, and i didn't say anything and he says, "OK?" i said whatever.

 

He hasn't called and i'm actually kind of glad right now. i wasn't planning on answering the phone anyway. All this crap is hard. i know that i don't want to be 3rd, 4th,or 5th, in his life. i wonder if he really is serious about us? I don't call him or seek him out. he said he needed time and i'm giving it to him. What i don't understand is why he keeps comming back. Yeah, I know i keep letting him, but other than that obvious reason, why????? I'm such an idiot.